One of my favorite cousins, Nick, gave me some advice a few months ago, and I remember just feeling sorry for him for even saying it out loud. It was before I met S, which is weird because it feels like it was just yesterday that he and I had this conversation, but it also feels like I've known S for a really long time. In actuality, we've only known each other for about 4 months, maybe a little less, but it's funny how time plays tricks on you. It seems like such a long time. It's rather amazing to me that in less than 4 months, I've fallen in love with someone, have made so many memories with them... enough to make my head spin when looking back on things, and have managed to even come to a crossroads with this same person, all in less than 4 months. It's just weird, and really unbelievable. But back to my original topic...
My cousin, Nick. He's a few years older than me, and he lives up in Maryland, about 4 hours away from me. So we don't see each other that often, and we pretty much never talk (he's still one of those 'losers' that refuses to get a facebook, even though it would make keeping in touch soooooo much easier) unless he's coming down to visit the family. But the last time that I saw him, he was at my dad's house, and we had a family bbq. He's been dating this one girl for a few years, and he's never been that excited about her. The first time I met her was at my uncle's 60th birthday (Nick's father) maybe 2 years ago. It was actually painful to witness them, she was there because she was invited by my aunt (Nick's mother) and Nick was acting annoyed about it. Nick is the life of the party kinda guy, he's a bartender, and he's lots of fun and full of life, but he was being a complete douchbag to this girl, and I was so disappointed over the whole ordeal. She actually gave my sister and me a ride to the condo we were staying in that night after the party, and she was saying that she thought that was the last time she'd be seeing Nick. Well, now, they are living together, and it sounds like neither one of them are ecstatic over it. During this past time that I saw him over this last summer, we were grilling each other about our love lives. He asked me how mine was going, and I was single at the time so I was telling him about that, and some of the crazy dates I've had and such. He jokingly asked if I was still into the poon, and I laughed and nodded. He's quite the comedian... let me tell you. I don't embarrass easily, but he knows how to embarrass anyone. Anyway, I started asking him about K, his girl, and how they were doing. He started immediately talking about how they are living in his dad's condo, thank goodness... because without her and his dad's condo, he'd have to move back home........... needless to say he was basically not saying anything about being with this girl based on love or commitment. I kinda interrupted him, because he was side-stepping my question, and I looked him in his eyes and asked... 'Nick... are you happy?'
As he gets a stupid grin on his face, he blurted out, 'can't you tell?'
He then proceeded to tell me that if I ever have a good relationship, and I end up ending things over something stupid, then it's not worth it to lose out on something that might have been. I assume that he must be looking back on some past relationship of his, missing some girl that he let get away over something that might not have really mattered in the end. Now I can look at this in a few different ways. His advice makes me look at one situation from so many different angles. I remember feeling sorry for him as he said that. He's in this relationship that he's not happy in, but he feels the need to just stay in it, because maybe it's not as bad as it coulda been with someone else who was even more wrong for him. Maybe he thinks that she loves him enough for the both of them. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. Or worst of all, maybe he's staying with her because of his financial issues (he's always been the type who is between jobs.) I would never want to be in his position, feeling stuck, for whatever reason, in a relationship that doesn't make me happy, that lacks passion and love.
But then I look at his advice from a completely different angle, and think about how our generation is becoming too picky. Divorce is such an option that is considered ok now, that there is really no sense of commitment. There is no sense of real commitment anymore. Marriage doesn't mean what it used to... and that makes me sad. Now, if we get upset about one thing or another, breaking up is a real option. Instead of staying in something because you've made the commitment to, and because you really love that person and wanna work past things, you let your pride get in the way and think to yourself 'I don't need them, I am just fine on my own, I can do better, and the grass will be greener.'
As I'm talking about this... I've kinda lost my own train of thought... but I think it comes down to wanting to find real love with someone (which I have, I think, I mean I know I love her...) and then creating a life and sticking to it. I am tired of everything changing just as soon as I think I'm in something special. I think it's just who I am, I'm a commitment type of person. Yes, we both have our reasons of doubt in the relationship, but are any of those real reasons to end it? are any of those reasons that we actually wouldn't work out in the end? Are they really reason to not want to work through things? In my opinion they're not. If you think about the long term, all of this doesn't seem like a big deal, but who knows. I can't make her think like me, and I can't make her feel something. And if we don't think alike, then maybe we aren't meant to be. But only time will tell. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out as it should, but I just don't want 'too much thinking' to get in the way of something that could be great, ya know? Meh.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Nights are the hardest... always.
I don't like not having someone to say goodnight to. I don't like it.
But anyway, we're going to remain friends, which I'm happy about. I don't want to let her go. I think things just kinda blew up in our faces out of nowhere, and it was all so unexpected so it made me that much more dramatic. Things were so calm and peaceful with us, and then boom... explosion. Right in your face. So out of the blue... so not what I expected to happen 2 days after moving here. But I'm gonna be ok.
She told me tonight that she honestly doesn't think that she should even be with anyone right now, and that she thinks she has some things to work out on her own. That made me feel better. I don't want to be left for someone else. I don't want to feel like I'm the lesser of two. And if anything, I'm glad that she told me that just because it tells me that she's really being honest with herself, and with me.
Who knows what will happen in the future... maybe we'll come back together, or maybe we'll just stay friends... but I'm glad I met her. She can't hardly ever get her words out, but she's a genuine person.
meh... I miss... ......
But anyway, we're going to remain friends, which I'm happy about. I don't want to let her go. I think things just kinda blew up in our faces out of nowhere, and it was all so unexpected so it made me that much more dramatic. Things were so calm and peaceful with us, and then boom... explosion. Right in your face. So out of the blue... so not what I expected to happen 2 days after moving here. But I'm gonna be ok.
She told me tonight that she honestly doesn't think that she should even be with anyone right now, and that she thinks she has some things to work out on her own. That made me feel better. I don't want to be left for someone else. I don't want to feel like I'm the lesser of two. And if anything, I'm glad that she told me that just because it tells me that she's really being honest with herself, and with me.
Who knows what will happen in the future... maybe we'll come back together, or maybe we'll just stay friends... but I'm glad I met her. She can't hardly ever get her words out, but she's a genuine person.
meh... I miss... ......
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Okay that's it.
I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I just moved to Richmond! This is my life! Damnit!
SquirtyB is playing the tough love card and tellin me that I need to stop. I do have friends here and I could have none, you're right.
And I texted Joy that I've been here for 4 days and that my gf and I are already probably done. And she said 'well fuck it babe, you got a whole new city to play in!' haha. PERFECT response. Totally made me laugh.. and it's true. I just did this big thing that I've been wanting to do for years, to move away from home. And I should be embracing it, instead of being upset because my start here is a little different than I thought it would be. Joy reminded me that I didn't move here for her, and said that I'm an easy friend maker and talented, and the city is 'mine!' lol. And I talked to my mom this morning, who I hadn't talked to since I moved here. She said really similar things basically, and it helps to hear that same thing from a few different people. It kinda reinforces it in my head. I'm gonna be ok. This isn't what I expected, but I am here now, and I moved here for my fresh start. This life is only what I make it, so I need to MAKE IT!
SquirtyB is playing the tough love card and tellin me that I need to stop. I do have friends here and I could have none, you're right.
And I texted Joy that I've been here for 4 days and that my gf and I are already probably done. And she said 'well fuck it babe, you got a whole new city to play in!' haha. PERFECT response. Totally made me laugh.. and it's true. I just did this big thing that I've been wanting to do for years, to move away from home. And I should be embracing it, instead of being upset because my start here is a little different than I thought it would be. Joy reminded me that I didn't move here for her, and said that I'm an easy friend maker and talented, and the city is 'mine!' lol. And I talked to my mom this morning, who I hadn't talked to since I moved here. She said really similar things basically, and it helps to hear that same thing from a few different people. It kinda reinforces it in my head. I'm gonna be ok. This isn't what I expected, but I am here now, and I moved here for my fresh start. This life is only what I make it, so I need to MAKE IT!
Don't believe what you hear.
Ok so I'm all moved up to Richmond. Made the move last weekend, and since then I feel like my world has turned upside down. And I feel like it's getting too heavy for me to be able to carry and deal with. I'm literally sitting here actually so lost and hurt that I can't even figure out which way is up. I feel like it's hard to breathe.
A couple days ago S's ex emailed her... which in return made S tell me that she's not over her ex. At first I thought that it was because it was an unexpected email since they hadn't talked in 2 1/2 years, so it must have thrown her for a loop. But last night, I found out that she has always known that she hasn't been over her, and there apparently have been times that she's wanted to tell me that, and now she can't hide it anymore. I've been in Richmond for 3 days.
Now I'm a very understanding person, and I also know that I would want someone to genuinely want to be with me, so we said that i'd give her time to figure out what she wants to do and where her head is. But that was before I knew that it was something that was already on her mind.
My head is spinning right now... it's difficult just to formulate a thought.
Anyway, I went over to her house last night so we could talk some more. I actually thought that I had a fighting chance, because I was comparing her story to the story of my ex Joy... and how she and I broke up and got back together quite a few times. It wouldn't matter if I was with someone or not, as soon as she came back around, I was hooked, but it was always so pointless and it wasted so much time. So I was explaining that to S, telling her that she and her ex had already tried things twice and that there were reasons that it didn't work out. And that it's understandable that because her ex had suddenly made this surprise entrance back into her world, that it didn't have to mean that everything was going to fall apart.
Seriously... I can't even get through writing one paragraph without my head just spinning. I can't believe that I thought I was going to her house to comfort her and to try to smooth things over, only to find out that maybe we didn't have what I thought we did. After my entire speech about how her ex doens't have to ruin everything, I ask her if she thinks that we are missing anything. As far as I knew we werent. I asked her this because I wanted to know if her ex hadnt shown up, would there really be any reason for us to worry. I had to hear her seperate the conflict in her mind, seperate what we have from her feelings about her ex. She said no, at first. I told her that if there is something missing, that this is the time to tell me, because we're getting everything out now, and we need to be completely honest. Then I see her body shift. Ok, she has something to tell me. I'm thinking, whatever it is, it must be something small because we've been so happy together, and whatever it is, we'll be able to just work on it together. At this point, I'm not worried to hear what she has to say. And then she drops a bomb on me. And it's just sitting there between us and I'm scared to move. She tells me that she has been struggling with the fact that during the weekends that we've spent together (which were usually 3 and 4 days together), by the 3rd or 4th day, she was ready for me to leave.
I also found out that she had a pretty lenghty conversation with the ex the day before, and she said that she couldn't bring herself to tell the ex that she was dating someone. I had thought previously that they had had a quick conversation, and that she basically didn't have the time to tell her. But she did have the time, they talked for at least an hour she said. And she said that shouldn't have been so hard for her to tell her ex.
So I have two strikes against me in 2 days. She can't be around me for very long without actually neeeding her alone time, and she has never gotten over her ex who just suddenly appeared in her world again. We're supposed to be taking time to just think things over before we make any decisions to end things, a few days or something. But I just don't really see where I have a choice in the matter. I think her mind is made up, she's just not ready to say it yet.
I know that I was originally not moving to Richmond because of her, but she became such a big part of it. She became the biggest part of what I thought my happiness would be here. And 4 days into the big move, I'm losing her. I feel like my security is being ripped out from under me. This is all just so unexpected. I just keep thinking back to how happy I thought we were. And we were really so happy. I guess in the grand scheme of things, we weren't even together that long, but man I had just never felt so safe and connected to someone, ever.
She has said that she's scared of losing me, that she doesn't want me to ever go away. But I don't know how I'm supposed to stick around while she rekindles things with her ex. I just feel like everything is just one more jab through the heart. I'll be thinking about one thing, and then my mind shifts to another part of the hurt and I lose my breath again. It's all just so in my face right now that I don't know how to escape it. I'm in a foreign place that doesn't feel like home yet, and I've lost the person that was supposed to make this move easier on me. I was always excited about moving, but I was also always terrified, and I put my strength in her. I just feel like this is another lesson in learning that you really can't trust anyone except yourself. And I'm surrounded by happy couples here. My roommates are so madly in love. I'm absolutely terrified of New Years coming up. I was so looking foward to being with her for all of that, and then her birthday is 4 days later, and I was just so excited about all of that.
What the fuck do I do now? I feel like I'm being tested to see how strong I am, and it's funny because SquirtyB just said the same thing to me, that she thinks I'm being tested to show myself that I can do it on my own. But I'm tired of being tested. Yes, I know that life will go on and I'll be fine at some point, and I'll make new friends here and build a life for myself here, and even learn to enjoy myself here. But I'm tired of being tested. I'm tired of having to tell myself that 'life will go on, I don't need them.' All I want is to find my partner. That's all I've ever wanted. I want that feeling of belonging to someone else. I already know that I can do things on my own, that's never been a question. I'm more used to doing things on my own than with someone else. I just feel like I'm such a good person and I try so hard to do things right, and I really did think that I'd found something special this time. And when you connect with someone... your whole being connects with them, including your strength and identity. So now I'm going to feel the weight of losing part of myself as we break apart, and I have to find the strength to just stand on my own again, and find the strength to deal with this whole move and finding myself here, all at once.
She said last night that she can't change that something bothers her, she can't change that she still has feelings for someone else, and she can't change that she still loves me. It's just the way it is, and it's making her feel crazy. I don't know. Maybe time will tell how this all plays out... but it really fucking hurts right now.
A couple days ago S's ex emailed her... which in return made S tell me that she's not over her ex. At first I thought that it was because it was an unexpected email since they hadn't talked in 2 1/2 years, so it must have thrown her for a loop. But last night, I found out that she has always known that she hasn't been over her, and there apparently have been times that she's wanted to tell me that, and now she can't hide it anymore. I've been in Richmond for 3 days.
Now I'm a very understanding person, and I also know that I would want someone to genuinely want to be with me, so we said that i'd give her time to figure out what she wants to do and where her head is. But that was before I knew that it was something that was already on her mind.
My head is spinning right now... it's difficult just to formulate a thought.
Anyway, I went over to her house last night so we could talk some more. I actually thought that I had a fighting chance, because I was comparing her story to the story of my ex Joy... and how she and I broke up and got back together quite a few times. It wouldn't matter if I was with someone or not, as soon as she came back around, I was hooked, but it was always so pointless and it wasted so much time. So I was explaining that to S, telling her that she and her ex had already tried things twice and that there were reasons that it didn't work out. And that it's understandable that because her ex had suddenly made this surprise entrance back into her world, that it didn't have to mean that everything was going to fall apart.
Seriously... I can't even get through writing one paragraph without my head just spinning. I can't believe that I thought I was going to her house to comfort her and to try to smooth things over, only to find out that maybe we didn't have what I thought we did. After my entire speech about how her ex doens't have to ruin everything, I ask her if she thinks that we are missing anything. As far as I knew we werent. I asked her this because I wanted to know if her ex hadnt shown up, would there really be any reason for us to worry. I had to hear her seperate the conflict in her mind, seperate what we have from her feelings about her ex. She said no, at first. I told her that if there is something missing, that this is the time to tell me, because we're getting everything out now, and we need to be completely honest. Then I see her body shift. Ok, she has something to tell me. I'm thinking, whatever it is, it must be something small because we've been so happy together, and whatever it is, we'll be able to just work on it together. At this point, I'm not worried to hear what she has to say. And then she drops a bomb on me. And it's just sitting there between us and I'm scared to move. She tells me that she has been struggling with the fact that during the weekends that we've spent together (which were usually 3 and 4 days together), by the 3rd or 4th day, she was ready for me to leave.
I also found out that she had a pretty lenghty conversation with the ex the day before, and she said that she couldn't bring herself to tell the ex that she was dating someone. I had thought previously that they had had a quick conversation, and that she basically didn't have the time to tell her. But she did have the time, they talked for at least an hour she said. And she said that shouldn't have been so hard for her to tell her ex.
So I have two strikes against me in 2 days. She can't be around me for very long without actually neeeding her alone time, and she has never gotten over her ex who just suddenly appeared in her world again. We're supposed to be taking time to just think things over before we make any decisions to end things, a few days or something. But I just don't really see where I have a choice in the matter. I think her mind is made up, she's just not ready to say it yet.
I know that I was originally not moving to Richmond because of her, but she became such a big part of it. She became the biggest part of what I thought my happiness would be here. And 4 days into the big move, I'm losing her. I feel like my security is being ripped out from under me. This is all just so unexpected. I just keep thinking back to how happy I thought we were. And we were really so happy. I guess in the grand scheme of things, we weren't even together that long, but man I had just never felt so safe and connected to someone, ever.
She has said that she's scared of losing me, that she doesn't want me to ever go away. But I don't know how I'm supposed to stick around while she rekindles things with her ex. I just feel like everything is just one more jab through the heart. I'll be thinking about one thing, and then my mind shifts to another part of the hurt and I lose my breath again. It's all just so in my face right now that I don't know how to escape it. I'm in a foreign place that doesn't feel like home yet, and I've lost the person that was supposed to make this move easier on me. I was always excited about moving, but I was also always terrified, and I put my strength in her. I just feel like this is another lesson in learning that you really can't trust anyone except yourself. And I'm surrounded by happy couples here. My roommates are so madly in love. I'm absolutely terrified of New Years coming up. I was so looking foward to being with her for all of that, and then her birthday is 4 days later, and I was just so excited about all of that.
What the fuck do I do now? I feel like I'm being tested to see how strong I am, and it's funny because SquirtyB just said the same thing to me, that she thinks I'm being tested to show myself that I can do it on my own. But I'm tired of being tested. Yes, I know that life will go on and I'll be fine at some point, and I'll make new friends here and build a life for myself here, and even learn to enjoy myself here. But I'm tired of being tested. I'm tired of having to tell myself that 'life will go on, I don't need them.' All I want is to find my partner. That's all I've ever wanted. I want that feeling of belonging to someone else. I already know that I can do things on my own, that's never been a question. I'm more used to doing things on my own than with someone else. I just feel like I'm such a good person and I try so hard to do things right, and I really did think that I'd found something special this time. And when you connect with someone... your whole being connects with them, including your strength and identity. So now I'm going to feel the weight of losing part of myself as we break apart, and I have to find the strength to just stand on my own again, and find the strength to deal with this whole move and finding myself here, all at once.
She said last night that she can't change that something bothers her, she can't change that she still has feelings for someone else, and she can't change that she still loves me. It's just the way it is, and it's making her feel crazy. I don't know. Maybe time will tell how this all plays out... but it really fucking hurts right now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
On my way :).
Well I know it's been a while... but I just really havent felt like writing in a bit. It's funny... cuz when things happen, I always think about how I'll want to write about it, but then when I sit down, I never feel like writing. I've actually been thinking a lot more about starting to write a book. I want a write a book about all of my bad dates... kinda like short story/chelsea handler style. I wanna ask others to also add their stories too, if they think they have a date in their past that is worth writing about... because it was soooo bad! (I have oodles of them. It's ridiculous!) But anyway... I think it would be fun to really share my stories. Some of them (well one in particular) is kinda graphic.. and I wanna put the story in there cuz it is hilarious, but I'm not sure that I should. S has said that she'll help me edit the book... so maybe I'll see what she thinks.
Anyway... the big update: I'm moving to Richmond this weekend! I've been packing up my stuff... and I'm just about ready to go. I got offered a job, and found some really great roommates all in one weekend about 3 weeks ago. Since then, I'm still really excited about the roommates, who are a lesbian couple, plus one other lesbian; but ive been having second thoughts about the salon. Luckily I had another salon call me so I had a phone interview today with the owner, and I think this might be a better fit for me. I'm meetin with her in person on Friday, and I'll make my decision after that. But wow... moving to Richmond in 3 days! It, for serious, just still doesnt seem real. I'm looking foward to getting there, and then fastfowarding like a week, so then I can feel more settled... and hopefully it'll start to feel like home. I'm totally stoked... I'm so excited that I made this decision and that I'm following through with it. This is the perfect ending to this year! I found a path that I wanted to take, and I'm taking it. I found love, and she's wonderful and adorable. I'm so happy for this fresh start to my life... and I can't wait until it all feels real. :)
Anyway... the big update: I'm moving to Richmond this weekend! I've been packing up my stuff... and I'm just about ready to go. I got offered a job, and found some really great roommates all in one weekend about 3 weeks ago. Since then, I'm still really excited about the roommates, who are a lesbian couple, plus one other lesbian; but ive been having second thoughts about the salon. Luckily I had another salon call me so I had a phone interview today with the owner, and I think this might be a better fit for me. I'm meetin with her in person on Friday, and I'll make my decision after that. But wow... moving to Richmond in 3 days! It, for serious, just still doesnt seem real. I'm looking foward to getting there, and then fastfowarding like a week, so then I can feel more settled... and hopefully it'll start to feel like home. I'm totally stoked... I'm so excited that I made this decision and that I'm following through with it. This is the perfect ending to this year! I found a path that I wanted to take, and I'm taking it. I found love, and she's wonderful and adorable. I'm so happy for this fresh start to my life... and I can't wait until it all feels real. :)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The process.
So I'm in the process of looking for a job and a place to live in Richmond, the city I want to move to. I've posted ads on some roommate websites, and I've been calling and emailing a few salons in the area. When I take a step back and think about it, it doesnt really seem that scary, but when I let myself fall into this mindset, the entire thing just scares me. I don't know why, and I can't even put a finger on what about it scares me, but it just seems like such a big thing. The city of Richmond is only 2 hours away from where I am now, and I know I want to move there, and start my life over and make a home for myself there, but it just seems like this big feat that feels unattainable, even though I know it is attainable and I can do it. I don't want to doubt myself, but it seems easy to do that right now.
My mom is no help at all with this. She just seems to be so negative on the idea, and has said a few times that she doesnt want me to make 'another mistake'. My mom sells insurance, and she is of the mindset that everyone should be in her business and it's like it's her life dream for my sister and I to follow in her footsteps. I did it when I was fresh out of high school, simply because I had no idea what else I wanted to do, but I ended up hating it, and eventually let my insurance license lapse. My sister has just recently caved and taken her insurance licensing exam, passed it, and is now my mom's little star child. Mom hasn't skipped a beat on telling me how my sister will now be able to earn her way towards the next company trip, which is to Hawaii, with this little grin on her face. I wanted to punch her. She also made a comment about how in the future my sister and I could take over all of her accounts. She has said all of this since I've made it known that I was planning on moving away. Well... not that that would matter, she has made her little comments ever since I started doing hair, about how I will always have to work two jobs, and I'll never be able to make a real living out of it. I completely disagree... the hair industry is always growing, it's something that I love doing, and it's something that I'm very good at, so if I want it bad enough, I can make a living out of doing what I love. I am so tired of hearing her negativity towards my profession. I just need to get out of this house, more than anything. But I'm not moving out of this house until I have a place in Richmond. So until then, I'll just have to get over it.
I went to see my dad last night, and he took me out to dinner. His wife was out of town, yay me. My dad is always good for a pick me up. I totally unloaded on him about how I'm feeling, and he knew exactly what to say. I am so thankful that he and I have gotten closer. But anyway, he told me that I can do anything that I put my mind to, because I'm his daughter. He was so encouraging, and he even said something that made me laugh my ass. He told me that my life should be fun. I asked what did he mean... and he said 'well, you've got the hair thing, and you've got the gay thing' hahaha. I think it's hilarious that he associated my being gay with being a fun life. But anyway, he's right. I do want my life to be fun. I'm an artist, and 'artists see the world differently,' said one of my aunts a couple months ago at a bbq. I do want my life to be full of beauty and love and peace and happiness, and I feel that I can truly create all of that around me if I just put my mind to it.
I can't wait to get out of this house. I think I'll start feeling better as soon as find a place to live and a job, so I can start making plans for the actual move. I just wish that that had all happened.. like... yesterday.
My mom is no help at all with this. She just seems to be so negative on the idea, and has said a few times that she doesnt want me to make 'another mistake'. My mom sells insurance, and she is of the mindset that everyone should be in her business and it's like it's her life dream for my sister and I to follow in her footsteps. I did it when I was fresh out of high school, simply because I had no idea what else I wanted to do, but I ended up hating it, and eventually let my insurance license lapse. My sister has just recently caved and taken her insurance licensing exam, passed it, and is now my mom's little star child. Mom hasn't skipped a beat on telling me how my sister will now be able to earn her way towards the next company trip, which is to Hawaii, with this little grin on her face. I wanted to punch her. She also made a comment about how in the future my sister and I could take over all of her accounts. She has said all of this since I've made it known that I was planning on moving away. Well... not that that would matter, she has made her little comments ever since I started doing hair, about how I will always have to work two jobs, and I'll never be able to make a real living out of it. I completely disagree... the hair industry is always growing, it's something that I love doing, and it's something that I'm very good at, so if I want it bad enough, I can make a living out of doing what I love. I am so tired of hearing her negativity towards my profession. I just need to get out of this house, more than anything. But I'm not moving out of this house until I have a place in Richmond. So until then, I'll just have to get over it.
I went to see my dad last night, and he took me out to dinner. His wife was out of town, yay me. My dad is always good for a pick me up. I totally unloaded on him about how I'm feeling, and he knew exactly what to say. I am so thankful that he and I have gotten closer. But anyway, he told me that I can do anything that I put my mind to, because I'm his daughter. He was so encouraging, and he even said something that made me laugh my ass. He told me that my life should be fun. I asked what did he mean... and he said 'well, you've got the hair thing, and you've got the gay thing' hahaha. I think it's hilarious that he associated my being gay with being a fun life. But anyway, he's right. I do want my life to be fun. I'm an artist, and 'artists see the world differently,' said one of my aunts a couple months ago at a bbq. I do want my life to be full of beauty and love and peace and happiness, and I feel that I can truly create all of that around me if I just put my mind to it.
I can't wait to get out of this house. I think I'll start feeling better as soon as find a place to live and a job, so I can start making plans for the actual move. I just wish that that had all happened.. like... yesterday.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Bloggerstock October: Ghost Stories
Yayyyyy it's bloggerstock day!!! If you havent heard of bloggerstock, go take a look and sign up for next month's list. It's basically a big blog swap, all writing about our version of a topic. Whoop!
And now, without further adooo... I present:
Hi there, I'm Jennifer Z from Fickle Kitsch, and I'm appearing here today for Bloggerstock, a great guest-blogging program!
Bloggerstock asked us to tell ghost stories, but I've never seen a ghost. To be honest, that's probably a good thing. For most of my life, I've been a giant wimp. When I was around seven or eight, I decided that I wanted go into the Haunted Barn at the apple orchard my family always went to. My dad knew this was a terrible idea, since I'd previously proven myself too delicate to watch Casper the Friendly Ghost, but I insisted. We waited in line for a good hour, and finally entered the silo. There was a big window that I happily scurried up to and pressed my nose against. There was water about up to my chest and long murky vines, a swamp.
"You might want to step back, honey," my dad said. He knew what was coming even if I didn't. I peered into the water, thinking This isn't so scary! And then a swamp monster burst from under the water, I screamed, and had to be carried sobbing out of the barn with my face buried in my dad's neck.
Obviously, I felt it would be best to avoid the a scarier parts of the holiday. I never watched scary movies, and when I volunteered at a haunted house in high school, I worked concessions (although that was pretty horrifying itself--the Monster Mash over and over again for five hours). I love Halloween because it's the only day of the year that everyone else seems to understand how awesome dressing up is. I'm all about dressing up and inappropriately elaborate costumes. Luckily, I find friends with the same kind of burning desire to look ridiculous in public.
I guess the point of the story is that Halloween is awesome. And even though it turns out I'm not scared of scary movies anymore (as long as there are people more scared than me that I can laugh at), I would still rather spend my afternoon taking a few hundred photos of me and my roommates locking each other up and staging elaborate fight scenes around campus (we were Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Batgirl, and Supergirl, for inquiring minds). You have to make the holidays work for you, in whatever way you have to.
If you care less about touching Halloween sentiments, and more about clothes, you're my kind of person! It's a bit late to give advice about picking costumes, but never forget how much awesome stuff you have in your own house. There are props, costumes, and accessories aplenty that can be found lying on the floor of your closet or in the back of a drawer. It's always fun to spend money on the things that would really make the outfit, and be creative with the rest. (in my own example, I cut up a dress I already owned to make my Poison Ivy costume, plus glove and boot accessories. The only thing I needed to buy were lime green tights).
Have a safe and happy Halloween!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Also, be sure to check out where I posted today, over at Cerebral Lunchbox, and read about my spooky story. :)
And now, without further adooo... I present:
Hi there, I'm Jennifer Z from Fickle Kitsch, and I'm appearing here today for Bloggerstock, a great guest-blogging program!
Bloggerstock asked us to tell ghost stories, but I've never seen a ghost. To be honest, that's probably a good thing. For most of my life, I've been a giant wimp. When I was around seven or eight, I decided that I wanted go into the Haunted Barn at the apple orchard my family always went to. My dad knew this was a terrible idea, since I'd previously proven myself too delicate to watch Casper the Friendly Ghost, but I insisted. We waited in line for a good hour, and finally entered the silo. There was a big window that I happily scurried up to and pressed my nose against. There was water about up to my chest and long murky vines, a swamp.
"You might want to step back, honey," my dad said. He knew what was coming even if I didn't. I peered into the water, thinking This isn't so scary! And then a swamp monster burst from under the water, I screamed, and had to be carried sobbing out of the barn with my face buried in my dad's neck.
Obviously, I felt it would be best to avoid the a scarier parts of the holiday. I never watched scary movies, and when I volunteered at a haunted house in high school, I worked concessions (although that was pretty horrifying itself--the Monster Mash over and over again for five hours). I love Halloween because it's the only day of the year that everyone else seems to understand how awesome dressing up is. I'm all about dressing up and inappropriately elaborate costumes. Luckily, I find friends with the same kind of burning desire to look ridiculous in public.
I guess the point of the story is that Halloween is awesome. And even though it turns out I'm not scared of scary movies anymore (as long as there are people more scared than me that I can laugh at), I would still rather spend my afternoon taking a few hundred photos of me and my roommates locking each other up and staging elaborate fight scenes around campus (we were Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Batgirl, and Supergirl, for inquiring minds). You have to make the holidays work for you, in whatever way you have to.
If you care less about touching Halloween sentiments, and more about clothes, you're my kind of person! It's a bit late to give advice about picking costumes, but never forget how much awesome stuff you have in your own house. There are props, costumes, and accessories aplenty that can be found lying on the floor of your closet or in the back of a drawer. It's always fun to spend money on the things that would really make the outfit, and be creative with the rest. (in my own example, I cut up a dress I already owned to make my Poison Ivy costume, plus glove and boot accessories. The only thing I needed to buy were lime green tights).
Have a safe and happy Halloween!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Also, be sure to check out where I posted today, over at Cerebral Lunchbox, and read about my spooky story. :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I got orchids. Purple ones. WIN!!
So this past weekend, I got to meet S's baby sister who is 14. I couldn't believe how much she reminded me of my little sister. They are both super hyper and talkative and have to tell you every little detail of every story even when you have no idea who or what they are talking about... the only difference is that my sister is a little more bitchy and she's also 8 years older. Her sister was so cute though, I cut her hair and plucked her eyebrows and you could just tell she felt so pretty and I love seein young girls feel good about themselves.
We also made a trip to Walmart with their dad, and baby sister and their dad wrestled in the backseat on the way-so cute. I love her family, everyone gets along so well and they're so playful. :) After the walmart trip, we all 4 played texas holdem and then apples to apples... and it was so much fun. I love playing games!! I totally kicked ass in apples to apples and it was my first time playing MUAHAHAHA! I just loved that we were all laughing the whole time together, and most of all I love seeing S smile. Her face just takes on a whole new shape when she laughs really hard... and it gives me butterflies every time I see her laugh like that.
On Sunday, her older sister and her husband and 4 kids came over, and I did her daughter's highlights and haircut. She loved it hehe... could it be that I'm winning brownie points with the family? :) It was a really great weekend. We went and saw Hereafter that night though, and wow that was a waste of time and money. Don't see it.
Early Monday morning, I started feeling sick though, and ended up not feeling to well for the next two days. Trust me, you don't want details. But S came home early from work on Monday to take care of me. She went to the store to get me some fruit and soup (I was scared to try to eat anything else) and she came home with purple orchids too :). Seeeee??
Oh and she pulled out some of her old family home videos from when she was a kid... lol she was such a cute kid! My favorite video was her when she was maybe 3 or 4, singing all the songs that she had learned in preschool, but she was kinda hard to understand... but still kept singin hehe. PRECIOUSSSS.
It's raining tonight and I'm so happy about that... I've gotten spoiled when I'm with her, she has a fancy iphone... and she has this app on it called ambiance, and you can play different sounds to put you to sleep, and my favorite is the sound of rain with light thunder in the background... puts me right to sleep. I'm home on my own, and I think I'm gonna crack my bedroom window just so I can hear it better. Drinkin my sleepy-time strawberry tea, and gonna get ready for bed. :)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Best Lovey Weekend Part 2 (continued from my last post)
So yeah. I'm in love. Sooooo in loooooveee haha (seriously... I can hear the music in the background).
She told me she loved me, and it was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment. I cut her hair before we went out, and while I was cutting, she said 'I'm glad you said it back,' lol... as if I wouldn't have. But she said 'you never know!' While we were out that night with some friends, I just kept looking at her and swooning. I'm just so proud and lucky to have her next to me. She's just the cutest thing I've ever seen. Is this gushy enough for you??
So the next night, we went to her bosses work party at his house. Wow... this house was gorgeous. HUGE. The backyard was amazing, had this huge patio with a big open fireplace, a big pool, hot tub, huge detached garage, and even a little pool house. I got to meet all the crazy hilarious girls that she works with, and I really liked them. We all brought our own beer and snacks.. and whew it was some good eatin! Her boss and his wife were really nice too, they were all just a really welcoming group of people. Every now and then, S would put her hand on my back or on my leg if we were sitting down and every single time she did that I'd get little butterflies. At one point S went inside to use the potty, and one of her coworkers and I struck up a conversation. This girl was one of the really funny ones, who was crackin jokes all night, but she was so sweet when it was just her and me talking. She asked how long S and I had been together, and I said we'd only known each other for a couple months, and her jaw dropped. She said that we looked like we'd been together for a really long time, and that you can just tell when people are really 'in it' together, and she said we are. It was so cute! What a nice compliment :)
When we were leaving, her boss gave me a hug goodbye, and he's gotta be like at least 6'5 or something, cuz he had to bend over a lot to hug me lol (I'm 5'1). I had so much fun, and we'd both had our fair share of drinkies, so when we got home, I started seeing that S was a little drunk haha. We had a quick picture fest (but not before S took her pants off and I had to grab her before the shirt came off too so we could take pictures since we both looked so cute that night). Wanna see?
And then, we remembered that we had cheesecake in the fridge downstairs, but our clothes were already off. SOOOOOO... we went downstairs half naked, her in only her underwear, and me in my bra and underwear, and ate our yummy cheesecake. I'm not sure that life can get any better than that, watching my naked girlfriend eat cheesecake, while I eat cheesecake lol. Is it possible??
I had to get up early the next morning to drive home (2 hour drive) since I had wedding clients to do at 11, and my sweetness got up and made me french toast, folded my clothes and packed my bags, got me all situated while I was in the shower. She is so good to me. She's my little dream come true. :)
She told me she loved me, and it was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment. I cut her hair before we went out, and while I was cutting, she said 'I'm glad you said it back,' lol... as if I wouldn't have. But she said 'you never know!' While we were out that night with some friends, I just kept looking at her and swooning. I'm just so proud and lucky to have her next to me. She's just the cutest thing I've ever seen. Is this gushy enough for you??
So the next night, we went to her bosses work party at his house. Wow... this house was gorgeous. HUGE. The backyard was amazing, had this huge patio with a big open fireplace, a big pool, hot tub, huge detached garage, and even a little pool house. I got to meet all the crazy hilarious girls that she works with, and I really liked them. We all brought our own beer and snacks.. and whew it was some good eatin! Her boss and his wife were really nice too, they were all just a really welcoming group of people. Every now and then, S would put her hand on my back or on my leg if we were sitting down and every single time she did that I'd get little butterflies. At one point S went inside to use the potty, and one of her coworkers and I struck up a conversation. This girl was one of the really funny ones, who was crackin jokes all night, but she was so sweet when it was just her and me talking. She asked how long S and I had been together, and I said we'd only known each other for a couple months, and her jaw dropped. She said that we looked like we'd been together for a really long time, and that you can just tell when people are really 'in it' together, and she said we are. It was so cute! What a nice compliment :)
When we were leaving, her boss gave me a hug goodbye, and he's gotta be like at least 6'5 or something, cuz he had to bend over a lot to hug me lol (I'm 5'1). I had so much fun, and we'd both had our fair share of drinkies, so when we got home, I started seeing that S was a little drunk haha. We had a quick picture fest (but not before S took her pants off and I had to grab her before the shirt came off too so we could take pictures since we both looked so cute that night). Wanna see?
I had to get up early the next morning to drive home (2 hour drive) since I had wedding clients to do at 11, and my sweetness got up and made me french toast, folded my clothes and packed my bags, got me all situated while I was in the shower. She is so good to me. She's my little dream come true. :)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Best lovey weekend so far :)
So I wasnt planning on going to visit S this past weekend, but all it took was a little whining on her end and I decided to plan a surprise trip. Her boss was planning an employee party at his home Saturday night, and everyone was going to be bringing their significant others but 'hers wasn't going to be there... mehhhh', so that made her not want to go. Well I knew that I could do a couple haircuts in the area if I went, and since she had to work all day Saturday, I thought I could get those done that day, so I made the calls to set those up. And then I started asking S inquiring questions about her other weekend plans to see when I should show up on her doorstep unexpected. Well, apparently I asked too much, and she figured it out that I was planning on coming up to see her, and once she said 'I know your surprise', I couldn't hide it anymore lol. But! I still got her anyway. I told her I wouldn't be able to get up there til late Friday night, after work, but I ended up calling in, and getting on the road at about 10am, so I was on her doorstep by 12. The timing was perfect because that's when I would usually be taking my lunch break, so I was able to call her and ask what she was doing, so I would know where she was in the house. She was cleaning her bathroom, and I said 'okay, well let me run in here and get some food, and I'll call you back'. I ended up running to her door, and rang the doorbell. Took her a minute to calm her bedhead down, not knowing who was gonna be on the other side of the door, but she was able to look through the peephole before slowly opening the door with one of the cutest faces I've seen yet on her-a half smile with a look of 'you tricked me' hehe. I don't know if this is possible, but she literally looks cuter and cuter everytime I see her. I jumped in the house and started laughing as I swallowed her up in my arms, and she fought to cover her lips with her shirt since she hadn't yet brushed her teeth for the day lol (baby just woke up like half an hour before!). "You tricked me. hmph," she kept saying, with a smile on her cute little face, and it was so worth the drive, just to see that face. Man... I'm just so smitten lol.
We've decided to be Danny and Sandy from Grease for Halloween, and since she had the day off, she was planning on going out to look for a leather jacket that day. So after she got ready, we went out for our shopping day. She treated me to Cheesecake Factory (which by the way is just ridiculously expensive, there's a reason I hardly ever eat there!) and then we walked around Short Pump Mall for the rest of the day. I can't even describe why, but it was just the most perfect day we'd had. We held hands, she rubbed my shoulders as we stood in line for starbucks, she laughed at me as this english woman in a tea shop ended up talking me into buying a new tea pot, loose leaf blooming tea, and a tea tin to keep my tea in (which by the way I'm in love with, and will be telling you about later) and she tried on different jackets (all of which she looked ridiculously hot in... seriously... how is this girl my girlfriend?? she's way too hot for me!) and as we walked around the mall, we were that couple that I used to joke but secretly be jealous of, the ones that walk with their arms around each other, the ones that just look so happy. That was finally me. I'm telling you, I've found her. I have never felt this happy. She'd put her arm around my shoulders and squeeze me close as hard as she could, and I'd have my arm around her hip, and we'd just love on each other, even when we were just looking at the directory to figure out where to go next. I just can't get enough of this girl, and I've never had that feeling be so mutual with someone.
We ran a few more errands before getting back home, and by then I was exhausted. We had made plans to meet up with SquirtyB and her gf and roommate that night, but we had about 2 hours to kill before doing that. I told S that I might need a cat nap, as I collapsed on her couch. She came over to me after dropping all our bags on the floor, and straddled my lap facing me. We loved on each other for a bit, this is definitely one of my favorite cuddle positions, when she just curls up her little body on top of me and wraps her whole body around me... and she took my face in her hands as she kissed me a bit, then she sat back up and placed her hands down on my legs and said 'wanna know a secret?' I knodded and smiled, I knew what was coming, I wasnt sure, but I thought maybe just maybe... and she said 'I love you' while looking at me with a half happy smile, half slightly scared smile, and I just melted. I literally felt this ZING go through my whole body, and I said 'I love you too' as my heart raced :). I just wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her so tightly, and then told her... 'I'm awake!' haha... I definitely didn't need a nap after that. It was so sweet and intimate and just perfect. I knew I was falling in love with her by at least the last time we hung out, but after that day together, there was no question. That's only the first half of our lovey weekend, but I have to get ready for work, so I'll finish this up later. I'm so happy and lucky!! :)
We've decided to be Danny and Sandy from Grease for Halloween, and since she had the day off, she was planning on going out to look for a leather jacket that day. So after she got ready, we went out for our shopping day. She treated me to Cheesecake Factory (which by the way is just ridiculously expensive, there's a reason I hardly ever eat there!) and then we walked around Short Pump Mall for the rest of the day. I can't even describe why, but it was just the most perfect day we'd had. We held hands, she rubbed my shoulders as we stood in line for starbucks, she laughed at me as this english woman in a tea shop ended up talking me into buying a new tea pot, loose leaf blooming tea, and a tea tin to keep my tea in (which by the way I'm in love with, and will be telling you about later) and she tried on different jackets (all of which she looked ridiculously hot in... seriously... how is this girl my girlfriend?? she's way too hot for me!) and as we walked around the mall, we were that couple that I used to joke but secretly be jealous of, the ones that walk with their arms around each other, the ones that just look so happy. That was finally me. I'm telling you, I've found her. I have never felt this happy. She'd put her arm around my shoulders and squeeze me close as hard as she could, and I'd have my arm around her hip, and we'd just love on each other, even when we were just looking at the directory to figure out where to go next. I just can't get enough of this girl, and I've never had that feeling be so mutual with someone.
We ran a few more errands before getting back home, and by then I was exhausted. We had made plans to meet up with SquirtyB and her gf and roommate that night, but we had about 2 hours to kill before doing that. I told S that I might need a cat nap, as I collapsed on her couch. She came over to me after dropping all our bags on the floor, and straddled my lap facing me. We loved on each other for a bit, this is definitely one of my favorite cuddle positions, when she just curls up her little body on top of me and wraps her whole body around me... and she took my face in her hands as she kissed me a bit, then she sat back up and placed her hands down on my legs and said 'wanna know a secret?' I knodded and smiled, I knew what was coming, I wasnt sure, but I thought maybe just maybe... and she said 'I love you' while looking at me with a half happy smile, half slightly scared smile, and I just melted. I literally felt this ZING go through my whole body, and I said 'I love you too' as my heart raced :). I just wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her so tightly, and then told her... 'I'm awake!' haha... I definitely didn't need a nap after that. It was so sweet and intimate and just perfect. I knew I was falling in love with her by at least the last time we hung out, but after that day together, there was no question. That's only the first half of our lovey weekend, but I have to get ready for work, so I'll finish this up later. I'm so happy and lucky!! :)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
100 Things About Me-2010
Ok here we go, I'm thinking I'm gonna try to do this every year. Here's a new list of 100 things about me, read my list from Sept 2009 HERE. I might end up repeating some things, but this is meant to be an update. I dunno, we'll just see what happens. :)
1. My last name is Jones. Yep... one of the many.
2. I hate that my name is so plain. I think no matter what my first and middle names were, my name would still sound plain and common.
3. I have a habit of using my middle name whenever I'm writing my name... I have my full name on my business cards. I never actually go by my middle name, or even both first and middle together, but my name just looks too short and plain to me without it.
4. I used to dream of the day I could get married just so I could change my name lol. I don't think like that anymore, I'm proud to be a member of my family, and take pride in my name. But the looks of it on paper just looks too plain for my taste. I think the only way I would change my name now, marriage or not, is if I had kids. I'd hyphenate my name with my partners, so that the baby could have the same last name as me. Or a variation of sorts. haha.
5. Speaking of babes, at this point in my life, I don't think it would be the worst thing if I didn't reproduce. I have friends now that have kids, and see how much they have changed and how much their lives have changed, it's all too much for me to consider to be a good thing. Maybe when I'm settled in a relationship, like EXTREMELY settled I might think otherwise, but right now I just can't see raising kids as being a part of my life.
6. anddddd thennnn I look at my baby pictures, and other peoples' babies and baby pictures... and I totally rethink everything lol. I think it will just depend on who I end up with. I would never consider having kids on my own.
7. I still daydream all the time, but it's much more about just finding my partner for life, rather than a partner and kids.
8. I zone out a lot. This is pretty much just daydreaming, but I've come to realize that I will zone out when I'm not interested in something, even if it's someone talking to me.
9. I probably do this the most with my sister, and she has made it very apparent that it pisses her off. But I can't help it. The girl does not shut up, and is often talking everyone's ears off about stuff that we don't care about, or about people that we don't know. It's turned into a family joke, but sometimes she makes it known how much my zoning gets to her.
10. I have also realized over the past year that my sister and I might never be as close as I'd hope to be with a sister. She and I are just too different.
11. She and I get along fine when we see each other, but we are not involved in each others' lives outside of family get togethers. I wonder if this will ever change. People used to tell me that we would become closer when we were older, but I just don't see it happening.
12. We got in such a major fight over christmas last year that we didn't even talk for the first few months of this year. During that time, it didn't even up feeling all that different than we usually do, since we don't ever really talk. My mom ended up paying for me to send my sister flowers to try to break the ice, even though it was clear that it was my sister's stubborn attitude that was the reason for us not talking. I guess I'll always be the one who is expected to be the mature one.
13. This year has become a really bad year for insomnia for me. I don't remember ever having this much trouble sleeping.
14. The insomnia got so bad at one point that I was literally up until I could hear the birds chirping outside before I could go to sleep. I am thinking that it has something to do with the stress of living back at home with my mom.
15. I am much more like my dad than I ever realized. I used to think that I was more like my mom, but my cousin pointed it out to me a few months ago, that he thinks I'm so much like my dad. I am starting to agree, we seem to both have the same outlook on life, a strong need to enjoy life for all that it's worth.
16. I have to use Q-tips after every shower. If I don't, I will feel like I have water in my ears all day. Ok maybe not all day, but enough to annoy the crap out of me for a while.
17. I have an obsession with Chelsea Handler. I have all 3 of her books, and think that she is an absolute genius when it comes to comedy. I have never read a book make me laugh OUT LOUD so hard.
18. If my dog Daisy is near me when I'm eating, I always give her the last bite of whatever I'm eating. She is the sweetest and most well behaved dog ever, but she knows I'm a sucker hehe.
19. I think that The Office and Friends are the two greatest comedy shows ever made. I have seen every episode of both shows, many times, and it will never get old.
20. As far as dramas, Six Feet Under is at the absolute top of my list. That is another show that I could repeatedly watch over and over. It's just amazing, and I was so sad when it ended. But, the ending was epic, and I cried like a baby.
21. My new favorite guilty pleasure show is Jerseylicious. I refuse to watch Jersey Shore, but Jerseylicious is reality gold lol.
22. I have a habit of leaving bobby pins wherever I go. They're like my fairy dust. :)
23. I decided to leave the salon I was working in for 4 years back in December of last year. It was my time to move on, but it was a very difficult decision to come to. I miss my salon family, but I don't miss the minimal compensation.
24. When I told my bosses that I was leaving, the wife (husband and wife team own the salon) burst into tears and had to leave the room. I balled like a baby, and could hardly get my words out to say why I had to go.
25. When I told them that I was going to be doing hair from home, going to my clients' homes to do their hair, the husband told me that it was completely tacky and rolled his eyes, and then I remembered immediately why I was leaving the salon. I will always love that man and appreciate everything that he taught me, but I will never be ok with a man putting me down, no matter how much he thinks I owe him.
26. The next day, the wife asked me to stay on at the salon for one day a week. I ended up doing that for the next few months, but eventually it just wasn't worth my while. Like I said, I miss the salon family, but I'm glad that I found the courage to move on and do what was best for me.
27. Since then, I have been a traveling hairstylist, and I've had a blast. I go to my clients' homes to do their hair, and they often feed me dinner and/or drinks. The money is so much better, and I've definitely spoiled myself with being able to work whenever I want.
28. I've been doing this for about 9 months now, and I do love it, but lately I've been going back and forth with wanting to be a part of a salon family again. I wouldn't go back to the salon where I was, but it would be nice to feel like I'm a part of something again, instead of just always riding solo. I think it has left me feeling more lonely than anything, but I wouldn't trade this experience.
29. I have been wanting to move away from my hometown for years, and I've recently decided that it's time to do that. The thought of it terrifies me, but not enough for the excitement of it to completely outweigh my fears.
30. I worry that I won't be able to fully do it on my own. I have had help from my parents in one way or another my whole life. But I think that this is the leap that I want and need to take. I want to feel self sufficient more than anything right now. I imagine that it will really be the best feeling ever.
31. I've decided to move to Richmond, Va. It's about 2 hours from where I am now. I think this is the perfect place for me. The art scene is huge there, and it just feels like an entirely different world. Plus I will be close enough to home that I can come stay for a few days each month and keep a lot of my clients, just get them all done back to back in a few days.
32. I am the opposite of a germ-a-phob.
33. If I don't have a toothbrush and need one, I will (and have) use a friend's toothbrush, even if it means I don't tell them lol.
34. I pick my nose, and you do too. Don't lie.
35. My natural hair color is dark blonde, and since I color my hair darker, I have to color my eyebrows too so they don't look too light.
36. I swear that I wished my hair curly. I've had straight hair all my life and I had always wanted curly hair, and just in the past couple years it started just curling by itself. totally stoked :)
37. I absolutely love being in my car. Driving with my music up really high is seriously the most therapeutic thing to me.
38. I take cat naps whenever I need some energy. Like just 20 minutes of a nap will totally energize me... and if I take it late in the day then it'll mess up my sleep schedule for the night... i'll be up really late.
39. I can fall asleep with the tv on, but I know it'll wake me up soon after, so I use that as an alarm clock whenever I'm taking a cat nap. I just leave the tv on with the volume on low, and I know it'll wake me back up soon.
40. I'm still obsessed with sudoku. I like it because it clears my head while I'm working on the grids.
41. I've probably had the craziest and worst dates of anyone I know.
42. I have had a girl stalk me for 6 months after only 2 dates.
43. Reading Chelsea Handler's books made me want to write my own book, making it about all of my horrible dates. I have sooooo many crazy dating stories. I could definitely write a book, and I'd probably ask some friends to give me their stories too and make it a collaboration book. Would be hilarious!
44. I've lived at the beach my whole life, but dream about living in the mountains.
45. I also prefer cooler weather, which is not the norm for someone who grew up at the beach haha.
46. Autumn is my favorite season, all the warm colors in the changing of the leaves literally fills me up inside.
47. I also love flowers. Flowers literally make me sooooo happy haha. It's a different thing then just that I like to get flowers... I just love flowers and am amazed that their beauty occurs naturally in nature.
48. I'm actually not a big fan of getting roses though. I prefer different and exotic types of flowers to traditional ones. Wild flowers are the best though. Just picked right out of a field :).
49. My favorite color is still purple.
50. I think it's funny how much of my stuff ends up being purple without me even planning on it. Like my shampoo and conditioner bottles are purple, my face wash bottle is purple, a lot of my make up packaging is purple, and I even tried out a new mascara because the bottle was purple. I didn't actually realize that until later, but it's funny how I'm just drawn to purple things.
I'm gonna go ahead and post this... took me forever just to get this far, but I'm gonna try to finish the 100 things soon.
1. My last name is Jones. Yep... one of the many.
2. I hate that my name is so plain. I think no matter what my first and middle names were, my name would still sound plain and common.
3. I have a habit of using my middle name whenever I'm writing my name... I have my full name on my business cards. I never actually go by my middle name, or even both first and middle together, but my name just looks too short and plain to me without it.
4. I used to dream of the day I could get married just so I could change my name lol. I don't think like that anymore, I'm proud to be a member of my family, and take pride in my name. But the looks of it on paper just looks too plain for my taste. I think the only way I would change my name now, marriage or not, is if I had kids. I'd hyphenate my name with my partners, so that the baby could have the same last name as me. Or a variation of sorts. haha.
5. Speaking of babes, at this point in my life, I don't think it would be the worst thing if I didn't reproduce. I have friends now that have kids, and see how much they have changed and how much their lives have changed, it's all too much for me to consider to be a good thing. Maybe when I'm settled in a relationship, like EXTREMELY settled I might think otherwise, but right now I just can't see raising kids as being a part of my life.
6. anddddd thennnn I look at my baby pictures, and other peoples' babies and baby pictures... and I totally rethink everything lol. I think it will just depend on who I end up with. I would never consider having kids on my own.
7. I still daydream all the time, but it's much more about just finding my partner for life, rather than a partner and kids.
8. I zone out a lot. This is pretty much just daydreaming, but I've come to realize that I will zone out when I'm not interested in something, even if it's someone talking to me.
9. I probably do this the most with my sister, and she has made it very apparent that it pisses her off. But I can't help it. The girl does not shut up, and is often talking everyone's ears off about stuff that we don't care about, or about people that we don't know. It's turned into a family joke, but sometimes she makes it known how much my zoning gets to her.
10. I have also realized over the past year that my sister and I might never be as close as I'd hope to be with a sister. She and I are just too different.
11. She and I get along fine when we see each other, but we are not involved in each others' lives outside of family get togethers. I wonder if this will ever change. People used to tell me that we would become closer when we were older, but I just don't see it happening.
12. We got in such a major fight over christmas last year that we didn't even talk for the first few months of this year. During that time, it didn't even up feeling all that different than we usually do, since we don't ever really talk. My mom ended up paying for me to send my sister flowers to try to break the ice, even though it was clear that it was my sister's stubborn attitude that was the reason for us not talking. I guess I'll always be the one who is expected to be the mature one.
13. This year has become a really bad year for insomnia for me. I don't remember ever having this much trouble sleeping.
14. The insomnia got so bad at one point that I was literally up until I could hear the birds chirping outside before I could go to sleep. I am thinking that it has something to do with the stress of living back at home with my mom.
15. I am much more like my dad than I ever realized. I used to think that I was more like my mom, but my cousin pointed it out to me a few months ago, that he thinks I'm so much like my dad. I am starting to agree, we seem to both have the same outlook on life, a strong need to enjoy life for all that it's worth.
16. I have to use Q-tips after every shower. If I don't, I will feel like I have water in my ears all day. Ok maybe not all day, but enough to annoy the crap out of me for a while.
17. I have an obsession with Chelsea Handler. I have all 3 of her books, and think that she is an absolute genius when it comes to comedy. I have never read a book make me laugh OUT LOUD so hard.
18. If my dog Daisy is near me when I'm eating, I always give her the last bite of whatever I'm eating. She is the sweetest and most well behaved dog ever, but she knows I'm a sucker hehe.
19. I think that The Office and Friends are the two greatest comedy shows ever made. I have seen every episode of both shows, many times, and it will never get old.
20. As far as dramas, Six Feet Under is at the absolute top of my list. That is another show that I could repeatedly watch over and over. It's just amazing, and I was so sad when it ended. But, the ending was epic, and I cried like a baby.
21. My new favorite guilty pleasure show is Jerseylicious. I refuse to watch Jersey Shore, but Jerseylicious is reality gold lol.
22. I have a habit of leaving bobby pins wherever I go. They're like my fairy dust. :)
23. I decided to leave the salon I was working in for 4 years back in December of last year. It was my time to move on, but it was a very difficult decision to come to. I miss my salon family, but I don't miss the minimal compensation.
24. When I told my bosses that I was leaving, the wife (husband and wife team own the salon) burst into tears and had to leave the room. I balled like a baby, and could hardly get my words out to say why I had to go.
25. When I told them that I was going to be doing hair from home, going to my clients' homes to do their hair, the husband told me that it was completely tacky and rolled his eyes, and then I remembered immediately why I was leaving the salon. I will always love that man and appreciate everything that he taught me, but I will never be ok with a man putting me down, no matter how much he thinks I owe him.
26. The next day, the wife asked me to stay on at the salon for one day a week. I ended up doing that for the next few months, but eventually it just wasn't worth my while. Like I said, I miss the salon family, but I'm glad that I found the courage to move on and do what was best for me.
27. Since then, I have been a traveling hairstylist, and I've had a blast. I go to my clients' homes to do their hair, and they often feed me dinner and/or drinks. The money is so much better, and I've definitely spoiled myself with being able to work whenever I want.
28. I've been doing this for about 9 months now, and I do love it, but lately I've been going back and forth with wanting to be a part of a salon family again. I wouldn't go back to the salon where I was, but it would be nice to feel like I'm a part of something again, instead of just always riding solo. I think it has left me feeling more lonely than anything, but I wouldn't trade this experience.
29. I have been wanting to move away from my hometown for years, and I've recently decided that it's time to do that. The thought of it terrifies me, but not enough for the excitement of it to completely outweigh my fears.
30. I worry that I won't be able to fully do it on my own. I have had help from my parents in one way or another my whole life. But I think that this is the leap that I want and need to take. I want to feel self sufficient more than anything right now. I imagine that it will really be the best feeling ever.
31. I've decided to move to Richmond, Va. It's about 2 hours from where I am now. I think this is the perfect place for me. The art scene is huge there, and it just feels like an entirely different world. Plus I will be close enough to home that I can come stay for a few days each month and keep a lot of my clients, just get them all done back to back in a few days.
32. I am the opposite of a germ-a-phob.
33. If I don't have a toothbrush and need one, I will (and have) use a friend's toothbrush, even if it means I don't tell them lol.
34. I pick my nose, and you do too. Don't lie.
35. My natural hair color is dark blonde, and since I color my hair darker, I have to color my eyebrows too so they don't look too light.
36. I swear that I wished my hair curly. I've had straight hair all my life and I had always wanted curly hair, and just in the past couple years it started just curling by itself. totally stoked :)
37. I absolutely love being in my car. Driving with my music up really high is seriously the most therapeutic thing to me.
38. I take cat naps whenever I need some energy. Like just 20 minutes of a nap will totally energize me... and if I take it late in the day then it'll mess up my sleep schedule for the night... i'll be up really late.
39. I can fall asleep with the tv on, but I know it'll wake me up soon after, so I use that as an alarm clock whenever I'm taking a cat nap. I just leave the tv on with the volume on low, and I know it'll wake me back up soon.
40. I'm still obsessed with sudoku. I like it because it clears my head while I'm working on the grids.
41. I've probably had the craziest and worst dates of anyone I know.
42. I have had a girl stalk me for 6 months after only 2 dates.
43. Reading Chelsea Handler's books made me want to write my own book, making it about all of my horrible dates. I have sooooo many crazy dating stories. I could definitely write a book, and I'd probably ask some friends to give me their stories too and make it a collaboration book. Would be hilarious!
44. I've lived at the beach my whole life, but dream about living in the mountains.
45. I also prefer cooler weather, which is not the norm for someone who grew up at the beach haha.
46. Autumn is my favorite season, all the warm colors in the changing of the leaves literally fills me up inside.
47. I also love flowers. Flowers literally make me sooooo happy haha. It's a different thing then just that I like to get flowers... I just love flowers and am amazed that their beauty occurs naturally in nature.
48. I'm actually not a big fan of getting roses though. I prefer different and exotic types of flowers to traditional ones. Wild flowers are the best though. Just picked right out of a field :).
49. My favorite color is still purple.
50. I think it's funny how much of my stuff ends up being purple without me even planning on it. Like my shampoo and conditioner bottles are purple, my face wash bottle is purple, a lot of my make up packaging is purple, and I even tried out a new mascara because the bottle was purple. I didn't actually realize that until later, but it's funny how I'm just drawn to purple things.
I'm gonna go ahead and post this... took me forever just to get this far, but I'm gonna try to finish the 100 things soon.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
So as I was saying...
I'm totally smitten with S. I feel so lucky. I feel like this is what I've been waiting for. She is just the cutest little thing to ever creep into my heart.
A few weeks ago, we got a really cheap motel room for the weekend in Fredericksburg, VA. Yeah, we sure did stay at a Days Inn lol. It was a little scary, and I kept getting freaked out that someone was gonna break into our room and murder us, but she kept me calm and reassured me that no one was outside our door at 4am ready to attack us. She even got up in her little underwear to look out the window for me lol.
A few weeks ago, we got a really cheap motel room for the weekend in Fredericksburg, VA. Yeah, we sure did stay at a Days Inn lol. It was a little scary, and I kept getting freaked out that someone was gonna break into our room and murder us, but she kept me calm and reassured me that no one was outside our door at 4am ready to attack us. She even got up in her little underwear to look out the window for me lol. 
We have also started taking every single shower together when we are together lol. I didn't even realize it until this past weekend, but I said 'do you realize that we never take seperate showers now? Not ONE??' haha. She makes shampoo mohawks that make me laugh hysterically and she pinches my nips while my eyes are closed with soap or water and I pinch her butt to make her jump and squirm and smile and we switch back and forth to share the hot water<3. But while we were in the motel room, I heard something and swore up and down that someone was in our room while we were in the shower, and again, she had to save the day and reassure me in her towel that no one was in there lol. 
So during the days on our cheap motel weekend, we spent one day going to the DC Zoo, and the next day going to a Nationals Baseball Game before we headed back home to her house late Sunday night. We had a photo-fest while at the game... all these pics are my favs :)
So during the days on our cheap motel weekend, we spent one day going to the DC Zoo, and the next day going to a Nationals Baseball Game before we headed back home to her house late Sunday night. We had a photo-fest while at the game... all these pics are my favs :)
But my favorite part of that whole weekend was Saturday night. We know nothing about Fredericksburg, and there is really nothing to do there at night, so after a late night shower since we were gross from being at the zoo, we decided to go to Walmart there lol. Oh yeah, we shoooo did go to walmart on our vacay weekend lol. While we were there, we came upon the arts and crafts section (which is of course my favorite section in ANY store lol) and she suggested we get something to take back to the motel room to work on as like an art project. I said... "are you just saying this to try to make me happy?" Or maybe I was thinking that lol... but no... she really wanted to do something artsy. Which FLIPPIN made my day lol. So we decided on getting some puff paint and some canvas bags that you can paint, and said we'd paint the bags for each other. We sat up on the bed for like 3 hours and painted our bags. She was just in a tank top and her underwear... and I kept catching myself just staring at her while she painted. She makes this really cute face when she's concentrating on something, like painting my bag, I can see the little tip of her tongue stick out sometimes and her eyes are big and bright and focused. Whew... just soooo cute.
So our next project was that we took the leftover blank bags home, and we were supposed to paint them for each other and bring them to each other next time we got together (which was 2 weeks later, this past weekend). Buttttt... she couldnt wait that long lol. She has no patience. She made my bag and then HAD to send me a picture of it immediately lol. I wanted to wait and surprise each other, but she wasnt havin it haha. So she sent me a picture... and I almost started crying. It was the cutest thing ever. She drew out our faces right next to each other, put 'K+S' underneath our faces, and put a big red heart around all of it. How precious is that?????? So I had already made plans of what to do with her bag. We already have a lot of inside jokes, so I was going to write out our 'phrases' on her bag. So I did... and it turned out awesome... and she loved it :). and we are definitely planning on using these bags. We are so corny! And I love it!
This past weekend, she introduced me to her family. I had already met her dad, but I also got to meet her sweet Mama, and her sister and neice and nephews. I had a blast with them. They are for realll country folk, live out in the boonies, and we drank beers in the front yard while the kids ran wild, I watched S play basketball with her mom and the others, and she is a baller, she's got some skillz let me tell you (and i laughed to myself as she tried to get me to play with them. I am NOT a sports girl at all lol. I coware when the ball comes near me hahaha) and finished the night off with a bonfire and chairs wrapped around it right next to the woods. It was like a little slice of heaven, totally the life I'd like to have (maybe minus a few kids lol). But it was just great. Her mom is so sweet, and S looks just like her. They both have big pretty blue eyes and the same sweet soft spoken voice :). So cute!
So yeah, things are going really well. I'm aware that we've only been dating for a short time, but wow. I'm just astonished at how well we get along. How there is no fighting, just cuddling. How we can talk about anything. So this is what a normal functioning relationship feels like! I'm a lucky girl :)
Irritants, but I'm still smiling.
Ok so may I just say that I have never been so happy with someone, as I am with S. I know I have been slacking in writing in here lately... but don't worry... it's cuz I've been too busy swooning over her lol. But I'll write more about her later. Her cuteness can wait.
So I recently got really super irritated with an old friend of mine, D. D and I have known each other since middle school, and were best friends all through high school. During our senior year, her mom had to move, and so she had to go with her. She only ended up moving about 30 minutes away, but with that move, we slowly fell out of contact. I had a boyfriend that I spent most of my time with (he was actually my last boyfriend) and she was busy dating and making new friends out that way too. Well, after high school, we didn't talk for about a year. She called me out of the blue one night, and totally rocked my world. She told me that 1-she had gotten married. 2-she had had a baby, and 3-she had moved to Florida. (we're in VA). So over the past 7 years, we have seen each other maybe 3 times, usually quick dinners while she was in town here visiting her mom, and I'd gotten to meet her baby and husband during those dinners too. Other than that, we'd just occassionally talk through myspace. Well she recently moved back here and they bought a house and she had another baby a year ago, so we've been getting closer and spending time together.
Well, D is a completely different person now than she was in high school. I mean I know that happens to us all, we all grow up and change... but she is just SOOOOOOOO different. In high school, she was the class clown (I was the quiet shy girl) and she was outgoing and outspoken and vulgar and hilarious. Now... all she can talk about are her kids, and her husband who is an asshole half the time, and just AMAZING the other time... but I'm realizing that married life has made her... well... 'spoken for'. She doesn't seem to have her own opinion about anything anymore. I remember we had been talking about something pretty unimportant a few weeks ago, while I was at her house before her husband got home... and she said that she was gonna have to ask him when he got home what he thought about it. It totally made me wince for a second.. it was such a simple subject that she and I were talking about... and she couldn't even have this conversation with me unless she know how he felt about it. Maybe I'm looking too much into it but it's just so weird. She's just totally not the same person.
Which brings me to the part where I got really irritated. A couple weeks ago, when they put the block on getting rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Lady Gaga had spoken out about it. She had said somthing to the effect of she is on our side, wants equal rights for us, and that she thinks that if the straight soldiers in the military have an issue with gay soldiers, then they should just go home. I didn't actually watch the video of this myself, but heard about it from what D wrote on her facebook page. She said "I think that Lady Gaga should stick to perfoming songs & stop saying that straight soldiers should leave the military for not wanting gays in it. She really should think before opening her diarrhea mouth. The reason she can speak at all is because of the straight & gay soldiers in the military.....Shut uP Gaga ur a politcal idiot. We know u love ur gays, but stay away from politics!"
Well... I didn't even know what to make of this. I mean.. she was contradicting herself in so many ways in this statement. Her friends from Florida were all agreeing with her in their comments, so I wrote "Politics affect us all babe, she has just as much a right to make her opinion known as the rest of us. xoxo"
D: okay, but she's an idiot. she needs to pick her words...or only open her mouth to sing :)
(I'm thinking... ummm... she DID pick her words lol. The point she was making was a heavy one... she picked her words pretty well I'd say.)
I wrote: So just because you don't agree with her opinion, she shouldnt be allowed to say it?
D: She said "straight soldiers should go home" for being prejudice....if that happens, who is goingto fight for us?? She's retarded :)
I wrote: well maybe it wouldn't be an issue if there wasnt so much prejudice. She is acknowledging how ridiculous it is to be prejudice over gays who are doing the same damn thing, fighting for our rights. She isn't retarded. (by now I was really getting fed up.)
She started trying to just be funny I think after that.. which infuriated me even more. I don't want to sound 'prejudice' against house wives... but what it has done to her is just ridiculous. I know that her husband doesnt agree with gays being out in the military, so that has become her opinion as well. Instead of forming her own opinion, or keeping the backbone she used to have, she's basically just become a second voice for his opinions. He and I have gotten into it before when I was over there for dinner. He and I get along just fine, but I think he was taken aback when his wife's friend stood up to him. Probably didn't know what to do with himself lol. But I finally just ended up writing her an email cuz I was tired of going back and forth about it on her page for everyone to see. I wrote:
So I recently got really super irritated with an old friend of mine, D. D and I have known each other since middle school, and were best friends all through high school. During our senior year, her mom had to move, and so she had to go with her. She only ended up moving about 30 minutes away, but with that move, we slowly fell out of contact. I had a boyfriend that I spent most of my time with (he was actually my last boyfriend) and she was busy dating and making new friends out that way too. Well, after high school, we didn't talk for about a year. She called me out of the blue one night, and totally rocked my world. She told me that 1-she had gotten married. 2-she had had a baby, and 3-she had moved to Florida. (we're in VA). So over the past 7 years, we have seen each other maybe 3 times, usually quick dinners while she was in town here visiting her mom, and I'd gotten to meet her baby and husband during those dinners too. Other than that, we'd just occassionally talk through myspace. Well she recently moved back here and they bought a house and she had another baby a year ago, so we've been getting closer and spending time together.
Well, D is a completely different person now than she was in high school. I mean I know that happens to us all, we all grow up and change... but she is just SOOOOOOOO different. In high school, she was the class clown (I was the quiet shy girl) and she was outgoing and outspoken and vulgar and hilarious. Now... all she can talk about are her kids, and her husband who is an asshole half the time, and just AMAZING the other time... but I'm realizing that married life has made her... well... 'spoken for'. She doesn't seem to have her own opinion about anything anymore. I remember we had been talking about something pretty unimportant a few weeks ago, while I was at her house before her husband got home... and she said that she was gonna have to ask him when he got home what he thought about it. It totally made me wince for a second.. it was such a simple subject that she and I were talking about... and she couldn't even have this conversation with me unless she know how he felt about it. Maybe I'm looking too much into it but it's just so weird. She's just totally not the same person.
Which brings me to the part where I got really irritated. A couple weeks ago, when they put the block on getting rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Lady Gaga had spoken out about it. She had said somthing to the effect of she is on our side, wants equal rights for us, and that she thinks that if the straight soldiers in the military have an issue with gay soldiers, then they should just go home. I didn't actually watch the video of this myself, but heard about it from what D wrote on her facebook page. She said "I think that Lady Gaga should stick to perfoming songs & stop saying that straight soldiers should leave the military for not wanting gays in it. She really should think before opening her diarrhea mouth. The reason she can speak at all is because of the straight & gay soldiers in the military.....Shut uP Gaga ur a politcal idiot. We know u love ur gays, but stay away from politics!"
Well... I didn't even know what to make of this. I mean.. she was contradicting herself in so many ways in this statement. Her friends from Florida were all agreeing with her in their comments, so I wrote "Politics affect us all babe, she has just as much a right to make her opinion known as the rest of us. xoxo"
D: okay, but she's an idiot. she needs to pick her words...or only open her mouth to sing :)
(I'm thinking... ummm... she DID pick her words lol. The point she was making was a heavy one... she picked her words pretty well I'd say.)
I wrote: So just because you don't agree with her opinion, she shouldnt be allowed to say it?
D: She said "straight soldiers should go home" for being prejudice....if that happens, who is goingto fight for us?? She's retarded :)
I wrote: well maybe it wouldn't be an issue if there wasnt so much prejudice. She is acknowledging how ridiculous it is to be prejudice over gays who are doing the same damn thing, fighting for our rights. She isn't retarded. (by now I was really getting fed up.)
She started trying to just be funny I think after that.. which infuriated me even more. I don't want to sound 'prejudice' against house wives... but what it has done to her is just ridiculous. I know that her husband doesnt agree with gays being out in the military, so that has become her opinion as well. Instead of forming her own opinion, or keeping the backbone she used to have, she's basically just become a second voice for his opinions. He and I have gotten into it before when I was over there for dinner. He and I get along just fine, but I think he was taken aback when his wife's friend stood up to him. Probably didn't know what to do with himself lol. But I finally just ended up writing her an email cuz I was tired of going back and forth about it on her page for everyone to see. I wrote:
I can't discuss that anymore with you babe, you'll never understand the struggle and stress that comes with fighting for our rights as humans. You're married, and have a husband who can be open about who he is and what he loves in the military. I am not allowed those same basic human rights. You just don't understand the fight going on right now. I welcome anyone fighting for our rights, including Lady Gaga.
She wrote back "talk at me later. Still luv you!"
Ugh. I'm realizing that I have very little in common with this person who used to be my best friend. But I guess that's ok... I heard once that we all change our friends about every 7 years... and that's because we are always constantly growing and evolving who we are. I just wish that I could get through to her. It's not even something that she cares about... but she chooses to downplay the importance of it for other people. Meh.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Bitch-face. New job.
So I finally quit the dreadful coffee shop. I'm not even sure if I've talked much about how ridiculous that place was on here very much... but here's a quickie catch up.
The owner is filipino. She has lived here for most of her life, yet I still can't understand most of what comes out of her mouth. Now I'm all for different cultures finding a home here, but when you're trying to boss me around, it'd be best if I can understand you. And when you're yelling at me in front of customers because I'm doing something wrong because you didn't teach me how in the first place, please use proper english. Great, thanks.
And then... all of my paychecks were under, except for one. That's one, out of 5, and they were under by at least $50. All of the other girls that worked there had the same issue, which just led me to think... why in the hell are you still working here you idiots?? When we tried to talk to the dragon-lady-boss, she told us that we must not be clocking in and out correctly, and that it's our fault. Next, she had hired me to work during the day, since I do my hair clients at night. I had a great schedule for the first week, and then after that she started giving me all night shifts. Like seriously, every single one. I'd get an opening shift like once a week. So I'd have to dispute my schedule with her on a weekly basis. Oh and our schedule was from Sunday through Saturday, and she wouldn't make the schedule for the following week until Saturday night. That works out really well when I have to make appts for my clients, and she keeps messing up my schedule. After all of the disputing, her 'fix it' was then only scheduling me for 9 hours a week. Ok, now... what is the fucking point?
So this past week, I had asked her the week before to let me know what my schedule would be as soon as she could because I had to get back to like 4 different clients about scheduling their appts. I texted her that on friday, and she didn't get back to me until the following Monday (of last week). Well by then, I was over it and my clients were blowin up my phone, so I had to just go ahead and schedule them. I mean they are more important anyway. So when she finally gets back to me, it's too late. I text her a couple days later that I'm gonna have to leave the coffee shop, and she then goes off on me and tries to give me like 8 guilt trips. Says that I'm totally screwing her over. And her texts were all in completely broken english, which just irritated me more. I jsut had to shake my head, I never did respond.
So I'm done there. Well, the same day that this all went down, I got a call from my girl at the temp agency where I had applied a bit before I started at the coffee shop, asking me if I was interested in working on an assignment for them. I said... UMMMM YEAH! Perfect timing :). So she set me up with a short term job, it's only 2 weeks, but it's paying $10 an hour, so it'll be a nice little chunk of monayyy. I'm working for the American Heart Association (have been now for 2 days starting last week on Thursday) helping them raise money for a fundraiser walk that they have coming up. I'm basically just making warm calls all day to people that have already signed up to help, and asking them if they'd be willing to ask their contacts for help or donations through an email that I jsut fwd to them. Easiest job, and everyone there is sooooo nice. And I feel like I'm working for a good cause, so that makes me feel great :). So anyway, on my second day there, my boss Julie came up behind me and gave me a hug and told me that I'm doing such a great job and that she wishes she could keep me! Unfortunately they don't have an opening for a fulltimer there, but that they do have an office in Richmond (where I'm moving in a couple months) that always has openings and she'd love to refer me there. She's actually from there so we'd been talking about my move. So I'm thinking that might actually be a good idea. That way I could do the same thing I've been doing here. I'd have to work on building a clientel, so making money in a salon right from the start would be slow. So if I had a steady reasonable income to start with in an office, I could work on getting a clientel at home at night, and then maybe I'd go into a salon later with a clientel. I think this sounds like a great idea, and I really like the idea of working for a non profit organization too. I'm really good at marketing and fundraising, and getting people involved in things, so this could be great. We'll see what happens, but I'm getting more excited about moving with this idea. I've been scared that i'd be struggling financially for a long time after I move there, but this could be my way around that. yay!
The owner is filipino. She has lived here for most of her life, yet I still can't understand most of what comes out of her mouth. Now I'm all for different cultures finding a home here, but when you're trying to boss me around, it'd be best if I can understand you. And when you're yelling at me in front of customers because I'm doing something wrong because you didn't teach me how in the first place, please use proper english. Great, thanks.
And then... all of my paychecks were under, except for one. That's one, out of 5, and they were under by at least $50. All of the other girls that worked there had the same issue, which just led me to think... why in the hell are you still working here you idiots?? When we tried to talk to the dragon-lady-boss, she told us that we must not be clocking in and out correctly, and that it's our fault. Next, she had hired me to work during the day, since I do my hair clients at night. I had a great schedule for the first week, and then after that she started giving me all night shifts. Like seriously, every single one. I'd get an opening shift like once a week. So I'd have to dispute my schedule with her on a weekly basis. Oh and our schedule was from Sunday through Saturday, and she wouldn't make the schedule for the following week until Saturday night. That works out really well when I have to make appts for my clients, and she keeps messing up my schedule. After all of the disputing, her 'fix it' was then only scheduling me for 9 hours a week. Ok, now... what is the fucking point?
So this past week, I had asked her the week before to let me know what my schedule would be as soon as she could because I had to get back to like 4 different clients about scheduling their appts. I texted her that on friday, and she didn't get back to me until the following Monday (of last week). Well by then, I was over it and my clients were blowin up my phone, so I had to just go ahead and schedule them. I mean they are more important anyway. So when she finally gets back to me, it's too late. I text her a couple days later that I'm gonna have to leave the coffee shop, and she then goes off on me and tries to give me like 8 guilt trips. Says that I'm totally screwing her over. And her texts were all in completely broken english, which just irritated me more. I jsut had to shake my head, I never did respond.
So I'm done there. Well, the same day that this all went down, I got a call from my girl at the temp agency where I had applied a bit before I started at the coffee shop, asking me if I was interested in working on an assignment for them. I said... UMMMM YEAH! Perfect timing :). So she set me up with a short term job, it's only 2 weeks, but it's paying $10 an hour, so it'll be a nice little chunk of monayyy. I'm working for the American Heart Association (have been now for 2 days starting last week on Thursday) helping them raise money for a fundraiser walk that they have coming up. I'm basically just making warm calls all day to people that have already signed up to help, and asking them if they'd be willing to ask their contacts for help or donations through an email that I jsut fwd to them. Easiest job, and everyone there is sooooo nice. And I feel like I'm working for a good cause, so that makes me feel great :). So anyway, on my second day there, my boss Julie came up behind me and gave me a hug and told me that I'm doing such a great job and that she wishes she could keep me! Unfortunately they don't have an opening for a fulltimer there, but that they do have an office in Richmond (where I'm moving in a couple months) that always has openings and she'd love to refer me there. She's actually from there so we'd been talking about my move. So I'm thinking that might actually be a good idea. That way I could do the same thing I've been doing here. I'd have to work on building a clientel, so making money in a salon right from the start would be slow. So if I had a steady reasonable income to start with in an office, I could work on getting a clientel at home at night, and then maybe I'd go into a salon later with a clientel. I think this sounds like a great idea, and I really like the idea of working for a non profit organization too. I'm really good at marketing and fundraising, and getting people involved in things, so this could be great. We'll see what happens, but I'm getting more excited about moving with this idea. I've been scared that i'd be struggling financially for a long time after I move there, but this could be my way around that. yay!
Oh I forgot: Bloggerstock
I totally forgot to post on my bloggerstock post (the last post on here) where I was going to be posting. And that ya'll should definitely sign up for next month too. I posted on Sara Swears A Lot's blog. She is HIGHHHH-larious! And that's the point... is that signing up for bloggerstock exposes you to other blogs that you would have never read before. I'm so glad I got to post on Sara's! Anyway, here's the link to my post on her blog, and here's the link to sign up for bloggerstock for October. DOOOO ITTT!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Bloggerstock!!! Do-overs.
Before I begin, I want to give some background on what Bloggerstock is and why I've hijacked StarGazer's blog. I found out about Bloggerstock through 20sb.net (a great place for a beginning blogger, btw). Basically it's blog-swapping but on a big scale. It introduces you to tons of great blogs out there, some of which you would miss in the vastness of the net. If you want some exposure as well as some new things for your feed, check it out!
I'll be honest, when I saw the theme of this month's post, do-overs, regrets, etc, I didn't even know where to begin. There are few big moments that I regret in my life. I really do believe that all the colossal f-ups I've committed have made me a better person. We truly do learn more in the hard times than the easy.
Instead it's little moments that I regret. Things that wouldn't have changed the coarse of history, but would have made life just a little easier:
If you want a really interesting story (one way better than my little list), check out what That Ain't Kosher has as her regret on my blog Cerebral Lunchbox.
I'll be honest, when I saw the theme of this month's post, do-overs, regrets, etc, I didn't even know where to begin. There are few big moments that I regret in my life. I really do believe that all the colossal f-ups I've committed have made me a better person. We truly do learn more in the hard times than the easy.
Instead it's little moments that I regret. Things that wouldn't have changed the coarse of history, but would have made life just a little easier:
- I would have come up with something charming and blow-breaking to say to my friend who told me he loved me, instead of answering with five minutes of silence.
- I would never have tried roller bladeing: chain-link fences and soft-fleshy bits don't mix well.
- I wouldn't have gone to see Linkin Park live.
- I would have eaten more vegetables as a child.
- I wouldn't have tried dating two guys at once.
- I would have called my mom more often when I moved away.
- I would have gotten a big, floppy hat much sooner.
If you want a really interesting story (one way better than my little list), check out what That Ain't Kosher has as her regret on my blog Cerebral Lunchbox.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Missing kitty, but great weekend.
Ok so I know it's almost next weekend and I'm just now writing about last weekend hehe. But I went to stay with S (new girl) this past weekend, and ended up staying through Tuesday. I'll tell ya what... I am trying to keep a level head, but she is just... great. :)
We had a little bit of bad luck though, the first night I stayed with her, one of her cats happened to escape through her window. She has an AC unit in her window, and when we woke up after sleeping in until 12 (FINALLY someone who likes to sleep in as much as I do lol) she discovered that one of the sides had been peeled off of the window sill, just big enough for a kitty to fit through. She quickly yelled FIND ALL OF MY CATS! (she has 3) so I jumped up outta bed, and we found 2. We ran outside, but we knew it had been 5 hours since we had gotten up to feed the kitties that morning, so he coulda been gone for quite some time. S is totally against letting me see her cry (so soon anyway) but she couldn't help but break down. We looked around for him for a while, probably looking really funny cuz we both had bed head and only in tank tops and sweat pants, and yelling out 'Rabbit! Here kitty kitty kitty!' (is that not the cutest thing ever? She named her cat Rabbit hehe). After a while, we went back to the backyard and sat out on the patio for a while. She sheepishly let out a couple tears, and was trying to hide it... but it really just made me melt. Her precious little face.. and I just started rubbin her back, and she grasped my hand. She called her mom, and after telling her what happened, she said 'No, she's not supposed to see me cry so soon' as she looked over at me and smiled through her tears. So, she's already told her mom about me, and ugh. I would never want to see her cry, but she just looked so beautiful.
So anyway, we spent the rest of that day walking all around and looking for her cat, after I went to the store to get stuff to make breakfast for her. Yes, we had breakfast around 230 lol. I got her a rose while I was out, and surprised her with it, held it up in front of her face as I hugged her from behind. She showered me with kisses and a tight squeeze. :)
She had to work the next day, and I had a client in town, so I went back to her house when I was done. I cleaned her room, and the whole house actually haha. When she got home from work, she just curled up on me on the couch before we went back out to look around for Rabbit. I love how she just seems to meld to me perfectly when we cuddle. And I love that she always touches me if we're anywhere near each other, even when we're eating. I love the constant contact, and all the kisses. I just feel like this is the way it's supposed to be in the beginning. Just all smiles and kisses and cuddling. I've never had anything ever go so smoothly. So many butterflies all the time, but yet, it still just feels natural and calm. Even with my major ex, we were already arguing by now lol.
I cut her hair... and oh my god... she looks freakin hot. her hair was in a bob before, but we cut it shorter.. a really fractured and texturized cut, where the short little pieces fall right over her eyes... oooooh wow. haha. I thought she was adorable before, but now... just, wow. haha. Yummmmm!
Anyway, when we went out looking for Rabbit Monday night, we took a walk first, and she held my hand the whole time. Even when we were turning around, she'd take my hand with her other hand so she could turn around. It was just so sweet. She'd squeeze my hand every now and then. Anyway, after a while, we actually spotted him. We were then driving around to the neighborhood that is directly behind her house, and saw him there. She jumped outta the car and I put the lights right on him. He crouched down for about 20 seconds before running away when she tried to approach him further. She hasnt caught him yet, but she made flyers and has had a few neighbors call to say they've spotted him too, and she's seen him everyday, just hasnt been able to catch him. I'm just glad that she can at least see him, she was just so scared that he was hurt or something before we saw him. Hopefully she'll figure out a way to catch him, but at least she knows he's ok.
Tuesday, she came home and again curled right up to me on the couch for a while before I had to go home. She kept saying I'm not allowed to go home hehe.
Oh and we took a pretty steamy shower together. It was her idea, I told her she needed to wet her hair down so I could cut it, to which she said 'I'll just take a shower. Wanna join me?' I went red immediately... said 'buttttttt i'm shyyyy about my boddyyyyyyy' and she just started kissing me and so she got her way lol. She's so tiny, like seriously little and perfect and just all together delicious, and for some reason, she's attracted to me and can't keep her hands off me. It's really nice :). And she's just so sweet, and I can see her guard coming down little by little.
We had a little bit of bad luck though, the first night I stayed with her, one of her cats happened to escape through her window. She has an AC unit in her window, and when we woke up after sleeping in until 12 (FINALLY someone who likes to sleep in as much as I do lol) she discovered that one of the sides had been peeled off of the window sill, just big enough for a kitty to fit through. She quickly yelled FIND ALL OF MY CATS! (she has 3) so I jumped up outta bed, and we found 2. We ran outside, but we knew it had been 5 hours since we had gotten up to feed the kitties that morning, so he coulda been gone for quite some time. S is totally against letting me see her cry (so soon anyway) but she couldn't help but break down. We looked around for him for a while, probably looking really funny cuz we both had bed head and only in tank tops and sweat pants, and yelling out 'Rabbit! Here kitty kitty kitty!' (is that not the cutest thing ever? She named her cat Rabbit hehe). After a while, we went back to the backyard and sat out on the patio for a while. She sheepishly let out a couple tears, and was trying to hide it... but it really just made me melt. Her precious little face.. and I just started rubbin her back, and she grasped my hand. She called her mom, and after telling her what happened, she said 'No, she's not supposed to see me cry so soon' as she looked over at me and smiled through her tears. So, she's already told her mom about me, and ugh. I would never want to see her cry, but she just looked so beautiful.
So anyway, we spent the rest of that day walking all around and looking for her cat, after I went to the store to get stuff to make breakfast for her. Yes, we had breakfast around 230 lol. I got her a rose while I was out, and surprised her with it, held it up in front of her face as I hugged her from behind. She showered me with kisses and a tight squeeze. :)
She had to work the next day, and I had a client in town, so I went back to her house when I was done. I cleaned her room, and the whole house actually haha. When she got home from work, she just curled up on me on the couch before we went back out to look around for Rabbit. I love how she just seems to meld to me perfectly when we cuddle. And I love that she always touches me if we're anywhere near each other, even when we're eating. I love the constant contact, and all the kisses. I just feel like this is the way it's supposed to be in the beginning. Just all smiles and kisses and cuddling. I've never had anything ever go so smoothly. So many butterflies all the time, but yet, it still just feels natural and calm. Even with my major ex, we were already arguing by now lol.
I cut her hair... and oh my god... she looks freakin hot. her hair was in a bob before, but we cut it shorter.. a really fractured and texturized cut, where the short little pieces fall right over her eyes... oooooh wow. haha. I thought she was adorable before, but now... just, wow. haha. Yummmmm!
Anyway, when we went out looking for Rabbit Monday night, we took a walk first, and she held my hand the whole time. Even when we were turning around, she'd take my hand with her other hand so she could turn around. It was just so sweet. She'd squeeze my hand every now and then. Anyway, after a while, we actually spotted him. We were then driving around to the neighborhood that is directly behind her house, and saw him there. She jumped outta the car and I put the lights right on him. He crouched down for about 20 seconds before running away when she tried to approach him further. She hasnt caught him yet, but she made flyers and has had a few neighbors call to say they've spotted him too, and she's seen him everyday, just hasnt been able to catch him. I'm just glad that she can at least see him, she was just so scared that he was hurt or something before we saw him. Hopefully she'll figure out a way to catch him, but at least she knows he's ok.
Tuesday, she came home and again curled right up to me on the couch for a while before I had to go home. She kept saying I'm not allowed to go home hehe.
Oh and we took a pretty steamy shower together. It was her idea, I told her she needed to wet her hair down so I could cut it, to which she said 'I'll just take a shower. Wanna join me?' I went red immediately... said 'buttttttt i'm shyyyy about my boddyyyyyyy' and she just started kissing me and so she got her way lol. She's so tiny, like seriously little and perfect and just all together delicious, and for some reason, she's attracted to me and can't keep her hands off me. It's really nice :). And she's just so sweet, and I can see her guard coming down little by little.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Mama... mama... mama... WHAT???... hi. :)
Oh... Mama. Oh dear....
So things about my relationship with my mother have been recently brought to my attention by some outsiders. Things that I didn't even realize. It's amazing how much someone else's few comments can be like a huge lightbulb flashing in front of your eyes in the middle of the night.
I have been involved in some marketing groups recently, one of them called "The Geekettes Club" which is basically a big group of women who are business owners or others of the like who are wanting a place to market themselves, and meet other women who are empowering and supportive. We meet once a month, and I've been involved in the group for about 4 months. I've met so many amazing women, and everyone is just so supportive of me and what I do, and it's definitely been something I look foward to every month. My mom decided to join as well, and has gone to a couple of the meetings with me. My experience in these meetings is very different, depending on if my mom is with me or not. And I didn't even realize how much differernt until someone else pointed it out to me. The leader of the Geekettes and I have gotten close. She is an amazing woman. She's from Australia (which is why I love talking to her, I could listen to her accent forever hehe) and she's traveled all over the world before settling here with her hubby. She is amazing with marketing and ideas, and just one of those really great motivating people. I've done her hair, and her sister's hair as well, so while I've been at her house we've had time to chat. After meeting me and my mom at least twice, she asked me if I'm an only child. I thought it an odd question, and said no, I have one little sister. She said that my mom acts like she's a show mom, like she is constantly trying to sell me to everyone we meet, and that I act completely different when I'm with her. I just kinda stood there, thinking to myself, and realizing how much this is true.
After our first meeting with the Geekettes, I was livid with my mother. I just had no idea that it was so apparent to everyone else. She is completely smothering when we are together. We are both there to market ourselves, and during the mingling part of the meeting, she is attached to my hip and introducing me to everyone we meet, telling everyone what I do and how great I am and how talented I am and "here take her business card, she'll come to your house and do your kids' hair too and your husband's hair, are you married? Kelly is just great with kids, and with men's haircuts, and she's great with your short women's cuts, see?? Look at my hair! she does my hair, and she's also great with long hair and color....ETC." I know that she means well, and that she really is proud of me, but she makes me look like I can't speak for myself. At one point during that first meeting I gracefully took her arm in my hand and SQUEEEEEZED firmly in an effort to tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP MOM. She just looked at me and giggled, and shut up for about a minute, then started right back up with the next person we met. On the way home I told her that I was seriously about to lose my shit in there, and that I couldn't even get a word in and it makes me look like I'm this little kid with no experience and that I probably have no idea what I'm doing. She just said that she was trying to help me and that she's used to me being this little shy girl... but I've come so far from being that little shy girl and I guess that she just has no idea. I know that she means well, but she's just completely overwhelming.
Then, as of late, I'm getting even more and more frustrated with her. She is soooo nosey. I didn't even realize how much until I had moved back in with her. It's of course gotten 20million times worse since I've moved back in, because I'm now a part of her everyday life, so she wants to know everything that's going on with everything. If she's leaving early for work in the morning, she wakes me up just to ask me what I'm doing that day, even if I've already told her. Just yesterday she woke me up to say 'don't forget to mow the lawn' even though I had told her the night before that it was the first thing I was planning on doing with my day. If I'm at home during the day and she is too, she'll literally check in on me at least 3 times just to ask 'what are you doing?' and it leaves me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells in my own house. This is a daily thing for me. Over the past two weeks, Mom and her husband have been going outta town a lot, and you wouldn't believe how much more at ease I feel in general. This past weekend, they were gone from Thursday through Monday. It was like I could breathe again.
After much frustration with my mom asking me repeatedly what am I doing to further my business and what am I planning on doing with my life and what are my plans for the future and what am I doing to get there, I broke down and yelled out 'I'M MOVING TO RICHMOND!' It turned into this huge screaming fit, she is the only person in this entire world who can get me so worked up that I actually have to scream. I am usually so laid back and easy going in general, but she makes me feel like my chest is going to explode, like if I don't scream I won't be able to breathe. So yeah... she flipped out with that one, and started acting like she was about to cry, just saying 'I don't want you to keep making bad choices Kelly... I'm just so worried about you... you just keep making bad decisions." I lost it at that point, and full on started screaming at her. She said that she thinks I'm running away... and that I'm not going to find myself somewhere else. I need to have my stuff in order first, I need to be able to find myself here. I completely disagree. I've hated it here ever since I knew I might someday have a choice. I think that at 26 years of age, if I'm not happy with my life, I should damn well do something about it. I should get up and move. I should go find myself. I should follow my heart. This is fucking age to do that! Life doesn't always have to be by the book, by now, I know that first hand. I told her that there is nothing for me here. And there isn't. I have felt like I'm done with this place for years, but never had the guts to do something about it. I just wanted to wait for someone or something to give me a reason to move away. But I'm done with that. I love it there, I never want to leave when I'm there, and it's my time to really do something that I know in my heart will be good for me.
I told myself at the beginning of this year that this was my year. And it's something that I have repeated in my head to myself on many occassions this year. This is my year to find myself, to find happiness, to hopefully find love, but most importantly, just to find where it is I'm supposed to be, and what path I'm supposed to be on. I can't let my overly controlling mother make me feel like this isn't what I'm supposed to do. I know she means well, but she and I look at life so differently. Right now I'm craving adventure, and I'm craving the feeling of just feeling alive. I want to make mistakes and learn from them, and I want to feel like it's ok to do that. And I do feel like it's ok. Life is about living and learning, not just constantly trying to do everything right.
So anyway (and I apologize this is like the longest post ever haha), I went and saw a good friend the other day, T, to do her hair. She's my trainer, and I also wrote about her in this post. She's about 20 years my senior, but she's someone who I feel like I can always talk to about anything. I love going to see her, we always exchange stories about the new ladies in our lives, since we're both doing the online dating thing. She's recently come out to herself, and to others, and she has asked me on more than one occassion "sooo... why are women so crazy?' hahaha. She cracks me up. But back to my subject. She's met my mom now a few times, I invited T to one of the marketing events with me, and my mom is now consulting with her for training and diet stuff. So anyway, when I went to see her without my mom being there, I told her about my plans for moving to Richmond, and she was so excited for me. "You're gonna still come do my hair right?" hehe.. that was her one and only concern. But when she started asking me details about it.. she said.. "is it so that you can get away from your mom?" and i just stood there thinking... uhhh... what? And then it came out. This was the second person that has commented on my relationship with my mother within the past month, and they have been the ones to bring it up, not me. But T told me that I am a completely different person when she's with me. My posture changes, my arms kinda turn forward and my hands are constantly in fists, like I'm defensively ready for a confrontation or a fight. She said that I don't smile nearly as much as I usually do, that I seem to just shut down, and give quick responses to whatever we're talking about. She said that it's the same way during all of the times she's seen me with her. That really made me take a step back from doing her hair, and I just stood there and thought for a while. She's right. I am totally more at ease when my mom is not there, or even the subject of conversation. Man.. it's just crazy to hear it from someone else.
I love my mom, but there is no greater stress in my life right now than her. I know she doesn't mean it, but she is just so overwhelming and stressful and completely smothering. I haven't even told her yet about my new girl, and I would have usually told her all the details by now. I just need privacy right now. I need time away and without her being so far up my ass. It's exhausting.
So things about my relationship with my mother have been recently brought to my attention by some outsiders. Things that I didn't even realize. It's amazing how much someone else's few comments can be like a huge lightbulb flashing in front of your eyes in the middle of the night.
I have been involved in some marketing groups recently, one of them called "The Geekettes Club" which is basically a big group of women who are business owners or others of the like who are wanting a place to market themselves, and meet other women who are empowering and supportive. We meet once a month, and I've been involved in the group for about 4 months. I've met so many amazing women, and everyone is just so supportive of me and what I do, and it's definitely been something I look foward to every month. My mom decided to join as well, and has gone to a couple of the meetings with me. My experience in these meetings is very different, depending on if my mom is with me or not. And I didn't even realize how much differernt until someone else pointed it out to me. The leader of the Geekettes and I have gotten close. She is an amazing woman. She's from Australia (which is why I love talking to her, I could listen to her accent forever hehe) and she's traveled all over the world before settling here with her hubby. She is amazing with marketing and ideas, and just one of those really great motivating people. I've done her hair, and her sister's hair as well, so while I've been at her house we've had time to chat. After meeting me and my mom at least twice, she asked me if I'm an only child. I thought it an odd question, and said no, I have one little sister. She said that my mom acts like she's a show mom, like she is constantly trying to sell me to everyone we meet, and that I act completely different when I'm with her. I just kinda stood there, thinking to myself, and realizing how much this is true.
After our first meeting with the Geekettes, I was livid with my mother. I just had no idea that it was so apparent to everyone else. She is completely smothering when we are together. We are both there to market ourselves, and during the mingling part of the meeting, she is attached to my hip and introducing me to everyone we meet, telling everyone what I do and how great I am and how talented I am and "here take her business card, she'll come to your house and do your kids' hair too and your husband's hair, are you married? Kelly is just great with kids, and with men's haircuts, and she's great with your short women's cuts, see?? Look at my hair! she does my hair, and she's also great with long hair and color....ETC." I know that she means well, and that she really is proud of me, but she makes me look like I can't speak for myself. At one point during that first meeting I gracefully took her arm in my hand and SQUEEEEEZED firmly in an effort to tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP MOM. She just looked at me and giggled, and shut up for about a minute, then started right back up with the next person we met. On the way home I told her that I was seriously about to lose my shit in there, and that I couldn't even get a word in and it makes me look like I'm this little kid with no experience and that I probably have no idea what I'm doing. She just said that she was trying to help me and that she's used to me being this little shy girl... but I've come so far from being that little shy girl and I guess that she just has no idea. I know that she means well, but she's just completely overwhelming.
Then, as of late, I'm getting even more and more frustrated with her. She is soooo nosey. I didn't even realize how much until I had moved back in with her. It's of course gotten 20million times worse since I've moved back in, because I'm now a part of her everyday life, so she wants to know everything that's going on with everything. If she's leaving early for work in the morning, she wakes me up just to ask me what I'm doing that day, even if I've already told her. Just yesterday she woke me up to say 'don't forget to mow the lawn' even though I had told her the night before that it was the first thing I was planning on doing with my day. If I'm at home during the day and she is too, she'll literally check in on me at least 3 times just to ask 'what are you doing?' and it leaves me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells in my own house. This is a daily thing for me. Over the past two weeks, Mom and her husband have been going outta town a lot, and you wouldn't believe how much more at ease I feel in general. This past weekend, they were gone from Thursday through Monday. It was like I could breathe again.
After much frustration with my mom asking me repeatedly what am I doing to further my business and what am I planning on doing with my life and what are my plans for the future and what am I doing to get there, I broke down and yelled out 'I'M MOVING TO RICHMOND!' It turned into this huge screaming fit, she is the only person in this entire world who can get me so worked up that I actually have to scream. I am usually so laid back and easy going in general, but she makes me feel like my chest is going to explode, like if I don't scream I won't be able to breathe. So yeah... she flipped out with that one, and started acting like she was about to cry, just saying 'I don't want you to keep making bad choices Kelly... I'm just so worried about you... you just keep making bad decisions." I lost it at that point, and full on started screaming at her. She said that she thinks I'm running away... and that I'm not going to find myself somewhere else. I need to have my stuff in order first, I need to be able to find myself here. I completely disagree. I've hated it here ever since I knew I might someday have a choice. I think that at 26 years of age, if I'm not happy with my life, I should damn well do something about it. I should get up and move. I should go find myself. I should follow my heart. This is fucking age to do that! Life doesn't always have to be by the book, by now, I know that first hand. I told her that there is nothing for me here. And there isn't. I have felt like I'm done with this place for years, but never had the guts to do something about it. I just wanted to wait for someone or something to give me a reason to move away. But I'm done with that. I love it there, I never want to leave when I'm there, and it's my time to really do something that I know in my heart will be good for me.
I told myself at the beginning of this year that this was my year. And it's something that I have repeated in my head to myself on many occassions this year. This is my year to find myself, to find happiness, to hopefully find love, but most importantly, just to find where it is I'm supposed to be, and what path I'm supposed to be on. I can't let my overly controlling mother make me feel like this isn't what I'm supposed to do. I know she means well, but she and I look at life so differently. Right now I'm craving adventure, and I'm craving the feeling of just feeling alive. I want to make mistakes and learn from them, and I want to feel like it's ok to do that. And I do feel like it's ok. Life is about living and learning, not just constantly trying to do everything right.
So anyway (and I apologize this is like the longest post ever haha), I went and saw a good friend the other day, T, to do her hair. She's my trainer, and I also wrote about her in this post. She's about 20 years my senior, but she's someone who I feel like I can always talk to about anything. I love going to see her, we always exchange stories about the new ladies in our lives, since we're both doing the online dating thing. She's recently come out to herself, and to others, and she has asked me on more than one occassion "sooo... why are women so crazy?' hahaha. She cracks me up. But back to my subject. She's met my mom now a few times, I invited T to one of the marketing events with me, and my mom is now consulting with her for training and diet stuff. So anyway, when I went to see her without my mom being there, I told her about my plans for moving to Richmond, and she was so excited for me. "You're gonna still come do my hair right?" hehe.. that was her one and only concern. But when she started asking me details about it.. she said.. "is it so that you can get away from your mom?" and i just stood there thinking... uhhh... what? And then it came out. This was the second person that has commented on my relationship with my mother within the past month, and they have been the ones to bring it up, not me. But T told me that I am a completely different person when she's with me. My posture changes, my arms kinda turn forward and my hands are constantly in fists, like I'm defensively ready for a confrontation or a fight. She said that I don't smile nearly as much as I usually do, that I seem to just shut down, and give quick responses to whatever we're talking about. She said that it's the same way during all of the times she's seen me with her. That really made me take a step back from doing her hair, and I just stood there and thought for a while. She's right. I am totally more at ease when my mom is not there, or even the subject of conversation. Man.. it's just crazy to hear it from someone else.
I love my mom, but there is no greater stress in my life right now than her. I know she doesn't mean it, but she is just so overwhelming and stressful and completely smothering. I haven't even told her yet about my new girl, and I would have usually told her all the details by now. I just need privacy right now. I need time away and without her being so far up my ass. It's exhausting.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My weekend.
So I'm learning really fast that I already need to find another part time job. I've gotten two paychecks from the coffee shop and both of them were dramatically less than I had expected. After talking to a few of the girls there, they all said that they're all having paycheck issues, and when they try to talk to the boss lady about it, she gets really defensive and says that we must not be clocking in and out properly (bullshit). I'm already having trouble with scheduling... she always gives me pretty much the opposite of what we had originally discussed while I was being hired... so that is cutting into my hair client time. I'm just going to look for another job... my sole reason for taking this job is to make some extra money so that I can save up a good amount before moving. If I'm not even getting a paycheck for all of my hours working, then what's the point? I just don't want to have to deal with this shit every two weeks.
On the upside of my weekend :)... New Girl came to see me. My parents were out of town for 5 days, so New Girl (we'll call her S) and I looked at our work schedules and decided that she could come here on Sunday and stay through Monday. We hadn't even decided this until just the night before, so I was in a frenzy getting the place ready.. cleaning my room, washing my sheets, shaving my legs hehe... all the while she is laughing at me over the phone saying 'I hope you don't expect me to deep clean my place when you come here!! I'd rather you just see the real me, the slob.' She chuckled. She also sent me pictures of her room, and she's really not that bad, but again, I like that she's honest about who she is. And after dating someone who thought that even every bobby pin should have its place, I have much more in common with someone who is not so uptight. But I also can't wait to go to her place so that I can help her get organized. She just moved into this place a couple months ago, and she still has some stuff in boxes haha.
During the previous week, I had told S that she could earn a massage from me only by payment of kisses. Since we hadn't had a first kiss on the first date, I figured that was fair, and an excuse for her to kiss me. Yes, I have an agenda, lol. So when she got here, we both discovered that we were still just as nervous and giddy around each other as we had been during the first date, even after talking on the phone pretty constantly for almost 2 weeks since our first date. She already knew she was gonna be shy and nervous still, but I had actually thought that I'd be ok. Yeah... I was still nervous lol. It's such a good nervous though.
I surprised her by making avocado egg rolls from scratch (her favorite). I waited for her to get here before we went to the store to get the ingrediants together. We had both never actually bought avocados from the store, so she pulled out her iphone and looked up 'how to tell if an avocado is ripe'. It was pretty hilarious actually... it told us to put the avocado in the palm of your hand, and squeeze to see if it is firm or if the skin is loose. It told us that it should feel like you're pressing down on your own palm, so we both pressed on each others palms and squeezed a bunch of avocados while giggling uncontrollably like little girls. It probably was more fun for us than it is for you to read this, but it was pretty silly. She just makes me giggle :). We went back to my place and I started prepping the food while we both had a few beers. I was one ahead of her at first, but she caught up fast, and it turned into a game of 'I win.' We actually turn a lot of things into that haha. So when she had finished one of her beers before me, she started making her way to the fridge to pull out another one, but I stepped in front of her so I could try to finish mine so that we'd be even again. Wellllll.. my plan worked, even more so than I'd hoped. Instead of trying to get past me, she glided in for a kiss... and it was perfect. :) It was definitely the best first kiss I've had in a long time. I got instant butterflies all over.
I'll write more later, I need to get to sleep. But I'm really enjoying myself with her, and getting to know her. It feels like there's no pressure, and it feels natural. Good weekend :)
On the upside of my weekend :)... New Girl came to see me. My parents were out of town for 5 days, so New Girl (we'll call her S) and I looked at our work schedules and decided that she could come here on Sunday and stay through Monday. We hadn't even decided this until just the night before, so I was in a frenzy getting the place ready.. cleaning my room, washing my sheets, shaving my legs hehe... all the while she is laughing at me over the phone saying 'I hope you don't expect me to deep clean my place when you come here!! I'd rather you just see the real me, the slob.' She chuckled. She also sent me pictures of her room, and she's really not that bad, but again, I like that she's honest about who she is. And after dating someone who thought that even every bobby pin should have its place, I have much more in common with someone who is not so uptight. But I also can't wait to go to her place so that I can help her get organized. She just moved into this place a couple months ago, and she still has some stuff in boxes haha.
During the previous week, I had told S that she could earn a massage from me only by payment of kisses. Since we hadn't had a first kiss on the first date, I figured that was fair, and an excuse for her to kiss me. Yes, I have an agenda, lol. So when she got here, we both discovered that we were still just as nervous and giddy around each other as we had been during the first date, even after talking on the phone pretty constantly for almost 2 weeks since our first date. She already knew she was gonna be shy and nervous still, but I had actually thought that I'd be ok. Yeah... I was still nervous lol. It's such a good nervous though.
I surprised her by making avocado egg rolls from scratch (her favorite). I waited for her to get here before we went to the store to get the ingrediants together. We had both never actually bought avocados from the store, so she pulled out her iphone and looked up 'how to tell if an avocado is ripe'. It was pretty hilarious actually... it told us to put the avocado in the palm of your hand, and squeeze to see if it is firm or if the skin is loose. It told us that it should feel like you're pressing down on your own palm, so we both pressed on each others palms and squeezed a bunch of avocados while giggling uncontrollably like little girls. It probably was more fun for us than it is for you to read this, but it was pretty silly. She just makes me giggle :). We went back to my place and I started prepping the food while we both had a few beers. I was one ahead of her at first, but she caught up fast, and it turned into a game of 'I win.' We actually turn a lot of things into that haha. So when she had finished one of her beers before me, she started making her way to the fridge to pull out another one, but I stepped in front of her so I could try to finish mine so that we'd be even again. Wellllll.. my plan worked, even more so than I'd hoped. Instead of trying to get past me, she glided in for a kiss... and it was perfect. :) It was definitely the best first kiss I've had in a long time. I got instant butterflies all over.
I'll write more later, I need to get to sleep. But I'm really enjoying myself with her, and getting to know her. It feels like there's no pressure, and it feels natural. Good weekend :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)