On my way :).

Well I know it's been a while... but I just really havent felt like writing in a bit.  It's funny... cuz when things happen, I always think about how I'll want to write about it, but then when I sit down, I never feel like writing.  I've actually been thinking a lot more about starting to write a book.  I want a write a book about all of my bad dates...  kinda like short story/chelsea handler style.  I wanna ask others to also add their stories too, if they think they have a date in their past that is worth writing about... because it was soooo bad!  (I have oodles of them.  It's ridiculous!)  But anyway... I think it would be fun to really share my stories.  Some of them (well one in particular) is kinda graphic..  and I wanna put the story in there cuz it is hilarious, but I'm not sure that I should.  S has said that she'll help me edit the book... so maybe I'll see what she thinks. 

Anyway... the big update:  I'm moving to Richmond this weekend!  I've been packing up my stuff... and I'm just about ready to go.  I got offered a job, and found some really great roommates all in one weekend about 3 weeks ago.  Since then, I'm still really excited about the roommates, who are a lesbian couple, plus one other lesbian; but ive been having second thoughts about the salon.  Luckily I had another salon call me so I had a phone interview today with the owner, and I think this might be a better fit for me.  I'm meetin with her in person on Friday, and I'll make my decision after that.  But wow... moving to Richmond in 3 days!  It, for serious, just still doesnt seem real.  I'm looking foward to getting there, and then fastfowarding like a week, so then I can feel more settled... and hopefully it'll start to feel like home.  I'm totally stoked... I'm so excited that I made this decision and that I'm following through with it.  This is the perfect ending to this year!  I found a path that I wanted to take, and I'm taking it.  I found love, and she's wonderful and adorable.  I'm so happy for this fresh start to my life... and I can't wait until it all feels real.  :)

not crazy, just a little unwell-ishhhh.

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty (rob thomas is my baby daddy) just came on my pandora and I'm sitting here listening to the words and isn't it weird how songs that you've heard a thousand times already can suddenly make sense to you in a completely new and different way?

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me.

I'm actually feeling better right now, after writing that last post, and I've just been reading a ton of ya'lls blogs and getting my mind off of my own life, and then a song like that comes on, and it makes me wonder how long I'm gonna be able to keep it up.  I really do need to get some sleep, and stop fucking up my sleep schedule so much.  Now Somewhere Over the Rainbow just came on..  the version of it that I love.. and just instantly brings tears to my eyes.  This has always been one of my favorite songs.  My friend actually got married last weekend, and this man who worked at the bed and breakfast sang this song to us as we were getting ready, hair and makeup stuff.  It was so sweet.  And I can look at her, my newly married friend, and know that I'll find that happiness one day.  I'll find my fairytale.  Why is it in me to want to search so much for it though?  I have so many other things to search for, and this is always the subject that seems to overtake my mind.  The never ending search for love.  Who knows. 

Dreams.

I had a really weird dream last night and I've been trying to figure it out all day.  It, of course, involved my ex.  We'll call her H.

A little background.  She and I dated off and on for a little over a year.  I originally started dating her in an effort to get over my ex before her, but I guess that's how a lot of relationships start off unfortunately.  Anyway, in my mind, she was safe.  She was a nice girl from a nice family.  Close with her sisters, and seemed to want all of the same things that I did in a future.  Kids, a house in the country, a nice family life.  She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, and was crazy about me right from the start.  I mistakenly left her a couple times to go back to the ex before her, the one I couldn't get over, the one who knew all of the right things to say and when to say them and who knew exactly how to get to me and break me down and make me feel crazy.  I'll talk more about her later.

Back to H.  I'm gonna try to simplify the story.  During one of the times I had left her, she started dating this other woman.  Whenever I talked to H about her, she said that she was nice, but that she didn't have an opinion of her own, H claimed that she couldn't take her in public without feeling embarrassed, that she was a pill popper, that she called into work at least once a week and was always on the verge of getting fired from her job for calling in and being lazy, she always had a headache (or something else to complain about).  The list went on and on of things she was unhappy with.  As lesbians stereotypically do, they ended up moving in together only a few months after dating.  During their relationship, H left her twice to come back to me, and we made plans for our life, and plans for moving in together and getting out of her lease and all that jazz.  I saw a life with her like I never had with anyone else.  I was planning on moving away from my hometown (which I never have before) with her to a small town we'd decided to live in, in the mountains.  Kids were going to be in our near future, but not soon enough for her.  She ended up leaving me for the final time when I said I wasn't ready to pop out the little ones just yet, I was still eager to have a real life with her, without all of the drama of our exes in our lives.  I wanted to be settled in our new home and with good jobs first.  She wasn't havin it.  Kids were to be had ASAP. 

She went back to the woman she was still living with.  The one she had all of the complaints about.  The one that was convenient and was too scared to stand up to her or put her foot down.  Maybe I'm wrong about their relationship, but this is the information I was presented with by H.  And I'm sure I was insecure during our relationship, but who wouldn't be?  she was still living with that woman, and our past as a couple was full of ups and downs.  I was just wanting things to calm down so we could be the happy couple that we both envisioned we could be.  Maybe it was wishful thinking.  It ended badly.  I didn't need to, but it did.  She left me the day before my birthday, and later wrote out horrible things about me, all of my insecurities about myself and secrets about myself on her blog.  It was definitely an attempt to destroy me, and it almost did.  there was no need for it, she had been the one to leave me afterall.  I'm over it now, I refuse to read her blog.  Not going to put myself through any of that again. 

I did have a dream about her last night though.  I had a dream that she came back, left that other woman.  In reality, I don't want this to happen, I know that we're just not right for each other, but in my dream I was happy.  We just sat and talked in the dream.  Just looked at each other and I felt comfort in her being there.  I don't want her back, there ended up being so many lies that surfaced...  etc.  typical breakup stuff.  I'm over it, but I think I just miss the closeness of having someone.  It's not her, it's just the idea I had of her, or the idea of what I really want.  I'm looking foward to finding my own idea of love.