Oh crystal ball... tell me life is beautiful.

New favorite music:  Keane.

Well, I got the privilege of hearing tonight that MJ's first date with the new girl went great. 

I'm not really sure why I'm putting myself through this.  I tell myself that it's a good idea, and that the hurt feelings will go away... but so far no good.  The fucked up part is that I don't even want her back.  That, for one thing, is getting easier and easier to see everyday.  But what I don't get is why it still turns my stomach.  It makes me feel so mixed up, almost sick, like I can't make myself completely step away from the situation.  I want to know, for some sick reason, what's going on.  But it's always been easier for me to just walk away and not have to subject myself to hearing about their new life without me.  I know what I need to do.  I need to do what I KNOW is best for me.

In my last post, I have to say that every single person's comment pissed me off.  I wanted ya'll to side with meeee!  and for some reason, I felt like no one did that.  No one said what I WANTED to hear.  I know that's not actually true.  But I want to feel ok with making a decision that seems 'cold' to some people, by just stepping away.  It's what's easier for me, and I just don't think I can heal otherwise.  Maybe I'll be able to go back and be friends with an ex later, but I just can't do that until I'm fully healed from the breakup.  I'm not even fucking hurting that much over this shit, it's just something that literally sits in the middle of my head and it won't go away.  I just need it gone right now.  I don't need this kind of distraction.

After MJ and I got off the phone tonight, I went straight into the bathroom and took a burning hot bubble bath.  I never take baths.  Like seriously, maybe once a year.  I put on my pandora and typed in coldplay and blasted the speakers and just layed in there, taking deep breaths.  The water was so hot I could hardly stand it at first, but I needed to feel the stimulation. 

Lines ever more unclear

I'm not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

Breakup aftermath.

Hey guess what?  I'm really doing fine.  I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be, but it just always seems so dramatic when you're still in that mindset.  So end of the worldish, so woe is me.  But yeah, didn't take me long to snap out of that.  I guess that just justifies the thought that was in my head all along, that I just wasn't in love. 

I think my problem is that I don't know how to let go of things.  Like, even though I knew the spark was barely glowing, I just wanted to move foward with it and hope that it would grow.  So that's something I'm gonna have to learn.  I had gotten myself into it, so I wanted to stick with it and be faithful to it.  I thought that was the adult thing to do.  Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing it even now, which we all know I'm just FAMOUS for doing anyway.  haha...  it really is funny I guess.  Relationships are just a bitch!

Why do they seem to take over some parts of your mind?  Why do I feel so differently now that I'm out of the 'blinders' mindset?  Who knows.  But yeah...  me snapping out of it so quickly isn't entirely just because of me.  Some great friends really just came out of the woodwork yesterday, and said all kinds of nice things and I even made a couple of them sit through me talking the whole thing out and give me their input, and a lot of it was so constructive and helpful.  Things I didn't even realize until they said it.  All of the red flags that were flying SO HIGH!  And I didn't even know it all or consider it all or realize how blinded I was. 

I do have one special person who really made me feel great.  Yeah, it's kind of a sticky situation though haha.  Of course it is right?  She's an ex.  S, we'll call her.  We had only dated a while ago for a short period of time, but she recently found me on facebook and added me, maybe like 5 months ago or something.  She's now in a serious relationship, living with her gf, and they're happy and I'm happy for her.  She and I never really had a fair shot at things, I was still not over J, the major ex, and my head was cloudy (I honestly don't even recognize that version of myself, when I was in love with J, it was the most disfunctional relationship I think I'll ever have) and after S and I had a 'big misunderstanding' (as we call it now) I went running back to J who was sweet talkin me again.  Anyway, S works for an eye doctor, and my eyes have been bothering me, so I had messaged her on facebook asking if she still worked there and that I wanted to get my eyes checked.  She told me to come on in.  This was all completely innocent, I didn't think there would be any feelings there, I mean seriously the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.  So I went in to see her last Friday, and of course she just looked as gorgeous as ever.  She looked very excited to see me, it had been at least a year and a half since we'd seen each other, maybe even two years.  So I get my eyes checked with the Doc, who is her best friend.  He's a goofball, older, with 3 kids.  I had met him when we dated, and even went out to dinner and a movie with him and S and his kids, so it was good to see him too.  S and I had some good laughs about how I still hated to have anything near my eyes, and she had to almost hold me down while she put drops in my eyes.  She also told me how her gf is extremely jealous of me and would probably kill her if she knew that I was coming in to the office.  Why??? I thought...  we haven't seen each other in a long time and we didn't even date that long to begin with, she replied that it was because I was pretty.  haha... ok... 

Anyway, I left there feeling light on my feet and happy to have caught up with an old friend, when she texts me.  "Off the record, you look beautiful.  Absolutely amazing.  On the record, it was really good to see you." Uh oh... trouble.  How is it that I was thinking the same thing about her?

Ok, let's not get ahead of ourselves.  She and I have since seen each other again yesterday for me to get the damn contacts for my eyeballs (my eyeballs do NOT like them at all haha), sweet talked each other A LOT but I would never feel ok about going behind her gf's back, and I know she's not the kind of person who would do anything to disrespect her partner, or me, or anyone for that matter.  So we both stopped it before it got to anything close that was out of hand.  But nevertheless, she did say some things to me that just made me feel so great.

Whether the relationship was good or not, a breakup always kinda feels like a bit of a blow to the ego.  This one did to me with no exceptions.  MJ had told me that I'm really sensitive, and that it didn't work because she isn't.  Well I'll be damned!  I've never heard that one before.  I've heard that from pretty much every girl I've been with, with just a couple small exceptions.  But S texted me yesterday after I left her office, and had just unloaded on her the details of MJ's and my breakup.  She said 'just so you know, you being sensitive is not a bad thing.  You will find someone like me that will love you for you and be happy with that part of you.  I just think that you're a great girl.  You have a lot going for you, ur beautiful and fun and you're not too sensitive.... There is nothing wrong with caring too much.  Don't let it change you.  Like I said, I love that part of someone and I can't be the only one that does.'  Ok so that was like 4 different texts that she sent, but I put them all together.  But it meant a lot, and of course I start crying as I'm driving down the road and my new contacts got dried out haha.  But it was nice.  She made me feel more special, and just flat out 'ok' with myself in that one conversation than in the entirety of mine and MJ's relationship.  So that definitely says something about what I had with MJ, it definitely wasn't as much as I'd been thinking it was.

And I know it can't go anywhere, I know she has a gf who she loves.  But it was just simply nice to hear that from someone who had actually been a personal witness to that side of me in a relationship, and didn't despise that side of me.  And I know I'm sensitive and emotional, but that's just who I am.  I'm not going to change!  So that makes accepting that side of myself a little easier, to hear that it's actually appreciated by someone else. 

So I'm ok.  Gonna be fine.  Again!

What a week.

I don't even really know where to start to be honest.  My mind is still spinning a little bit.  Just going over things that were said and agreeing with things and then disagreeing with other things, not that any of it matters at this point.

MJ and I are over.  She made the call last night.  I have to admit that I was somewhat expecting it, but I wasnt expecting it to happen when or how it did. 

We just had such a great weekend at the lake.  It was just the two of us.  It was relaxing and we also got a lot done.  I helped her with yard work for the better part of Saturday, mowing about 85% of the lawn while she blew the leaves out of the flower beds and used the weed wacker.  We went out for dinner that night, made a bonfire in the backyard when we got back, had cuddle time all weekend, and then layed out on the dock on the lake on Sunday.  It was just perfect, and then it was just over, just like that.  When we got back to the house sunday afternoon, it was time to take showers, then eat a late lunch, then clean up the house before hitting the road at 6.  This was the plan we'd come up with while planning out the rest of the day.  We take showers, one of us in each shower, then I pack my bags up and then head to the kitchen to make lunch.  She was already working on cleaning up her stuff and so i yelled through the house what she wanted me to make for her lunch.  I said I was going to have my leftovers from dinner the night before, and could make something else for her.  And there's the tone.  She is apparently pissed off thhat I'm not eating the pizza we had said we'd put in the oven and eat for lunch, we'd had the same thing the day before so I just wasn't in the mood for it again.  But I said I'd put it in the oven for her if she wanted it, or I could make something else for her.  She says no.  I ask what's wrong.  Nothing.  No really, what's wrong?  Nothing, just eat your lunch.  Out of nowhere, she's mad at me.  Well I'm starving, so I go ahead and heat up my food.  I then go into the den and turn the tv on while I eat, like we usually do.  I ask her again, is she sure that i can't make something for her.  No.  Ok then... 

I go on eating.  It's about 430 now.  I keep thinking she'll stop what she's doing back in the bedrooms and come and make herself something to eat and sit with me so we can spend some time together before we finish cleaning up.  Didnt happen.  She kept on cleaning.  I asked her again about food for her.  No, I'm not hungry.  Now I know she's lying, because she was the one who said we'd go back and eat lunch while we were at the lake.  So I clean up  my lunch mess, and go and finish packing my bags and see that she has already remade the bed after washing the sheets earlier in the day, which is something we usually do together.  Why didn't she tell me she was doing that?   I guess in her mind it was better to do it all herself and be the martyr.  To act like I was purposefully not helping her clean.  At 5, she yells across the house 'are you gonna start packing your car?'  when I'm thinking we still have another hour before we're leaving.  I tell her I can, and so I do.  When I go outside, I see that she's already got her dog strappped into her doggy seat in her truck.  I say 'are we leaving now?' she says yes, she's done cleaning and ready to go.  I'm just completely stumped.  What just happened in the past hour?  How do you go from having a really great weekend to letting something upset you that much to just erase everything else?  She comes over to my car and gives me a quick peck kiss, no hug, and walks over and gets in her truck.  I say through our opened windows...  why is this so weird?  we're not gonna see each other for two weeks, and she really wants to leave like this?  I just didn't get it.  She said she didnt wanna talk about it right now, but that if anything she was pissed off that I didn't help her clean.  She says I'm a grown woman and she shouldn't have to tell me what needs to be done.  I'm a little in shock at this point.  That she decided to talk to me like that, and that she was actually willing to just drive away and end our weekend over being upset over one small thing.  I sat there in my car in the driveway, just thinking she'll snap out of it and get out of her truck and come give me a hug and a real kiss, a real fucking goodbye, but it didn't happen.  She said that there was nothing that either one of us could say to change the situation, so she was just going to go, and she did just that.  She just pulled right out of the driveway and left me sitting there with my jaw hanging open. 

We talked a little on the way home, I called her pretty much as we were both driving out of the neighborhood, but there was no coming to an agreement or even just letting it go.  She just said she'd call me when she got home and needed to cool off.  I literally didn't even know how to react.  I just couldnt understand why she would leave that way, knowing that we wont be seeing each other for 2 weeks.  We had a great weekend.  There was never a bit of tension in the air until the last hour that we were there.  I still just don't get it.  Later that night, we talked and she pretty much said she was over it, so I just let the conversation go, even though I was still feeling uneasy about how she'd handled things.  But I needed time to process I guess.  I just didn't even know what tto do. 

Monday she was distant while she was at work.  I had a bad day, got in an arguement with my stepdad, then my mom, and pretty much just had one of those days where you feel like the world is caving in.  I still didn't know how to feel about things with MJ, and since I'm living with my parents right now it was just really uncomfortable being in my house.  I even texted MJ around 3 asking her if she was busy.  I hadn't heard from her in about 3 hours and she knew I was having a bad day from texts that morning.  She hadn't ever asked me if I was ok or tried to check on me in any way.  She then called me and asked me what was up.  I just said that I didn't really know what to say but that i felt like she was feeling like i was just quite the irritation to her.  It just struck me as odd that she hadn't seemed to care that I was having a bad day.  Her response was that we'd talk later, she couldnt get into it now, but that she didn't think she was acting any different than she usually did.  Yeah... right.  Thankfully I had some clients last night, so I went and did them and then came home and got on the treadmill for about an hour.  MJ was helping a friend move a grill with her truck, and she was out pretty late, so we didn't even catch up on the phone until close to 11pm.  She then sounded fine, told me about her night with her friend, and then asked about my day, and actually genuinely sounded concerned.  I told her everything that happened.  She then asked me about some other things, like if I'd heard from my lawyer about the old roommate situation.  Then we even made small talk, she was watching her dvr'd dancing with the stars, which I don't watch at all.  I said I was getting tired around midnight, and asked if I could go pee and call her back to say our goodnights.  I did, called her back, and after a bit more small talk, she comes out with 'well I know you've had a bad day, but I do think we need to talk.'

Ok...

She says "I just don't know if this is working for me anymore Kel."  She said it so matter of factly, and so out of nowhere, that i actually considered in my head that she might be joking.  But no, she wasn't. 

I don't even want to get into everything else that was said cuz it'll just make me upset again at this point, but yeah, it's over.  In the end, i agree that we're probably just not right for each other.  At times, it did feel like I was hanging out more with a buddy than with my gf.  And after her startling exit on sunday, I was already expecting this to happen.  But it still sucks either way.  So in the end she's saying she wants to stay friends, and that she knows that I'm not prone to do that, but that she wants me to try to be open minded about it.  I just don't know at this point. 

When all is said and done...  I just feel a bit used.  For quite a few different reasons too.  Just looking back on things, you never realize how much you readily sacrifice for someone until you find out it was all for nothing.  I'm having bouts of anger and sadness, going back and forth with them.  But i'll be fine. 

I'll be fine.