Bloggerstock!!! Do-overs.

Before I begin, I want to give some background on what Bloggerstock is and why I've hijacked StarGazer's blog. I found out about Bloggerstock through 20sb.net (a great place for a beginning blogger, btw). Basically it's blog-swapping but on a big scale. It introduces you to tons of great blogs out there, some of which you would miss in the vastness of the net. If you want some exposure as well as some new things for your feed, check it out!

I'll be honest, when I saw the theme of this month's post, do-overs, regrets, etc, I didn't even know where to begin.  There are few big moments that I regret in my life.  I really do believe that all the colossal f-ups I've committed have made me a better person.  We truly do learn more in the hard times than the easy.

Instead it's little moments that I regret.  Things that wouldn't have changed the coarse of history, but would have made life just a little easier:

• I would have come up with something charming and blow-breaking to say to my friend who told me he loved me, instead of answering with five minutes of silence.
• I would never have tried roller bladeing: chain-link fences and soft-fleshy bits don't mix well.
• I wouldn't have gone to see Linkin Park live.
• I would have eaten more vegetables as a child.
• I wouldn't have tried dating two guys at once.
• I would have called my mom more often when I moved away.
• I would have gotten a big, floppy hat much sooner.

I'm sure there's countless others.  Those small moments that are insignificant, but still make up what we truly think of as life.

If you want a really interesting story (one way better than my little list), check out what That Ain't Kosher has as her regret on my blog Cerebral Lunchbox.

Missing kitty, but great weekend.

Ok so I know it's almost next weekend and I'm just now writing about last weekend hehe.  But I went to stay with S (new girl) this past weekend, and ended up staying through Tuesday.  I'll tell ya what...  I am trying to keep a level head, but she is just... great.  :) 

We had a little bit of bad luck though, the first night I stayed with her, one of her cats happened to escape through her window.  She has an AC unit in her window, and when we woke up after sleeping in until 12 (FINALLY someone who likes to sleep in as much as I do lol) she discovered that one of the sides had been peeled off of the window sill, just big enough for a kitty to fit through.  She quickly yelled FIND ALL OF MY CATS!  (she has 3) so I jumped up outta bed, and we found 2.  We ran outside, but we knew it had been 5 hours since we had gotten up to feed the kitties that morning, so he coulda been gone for quite some time.  S is totally against letting me see her cry (so soon anyway) but she couldn't help but break down.  We looked around for him for a while, probably looking really funny cuz we both had bed head and only in tank tops and sweat pants, and yelling out 'Rabbit!  Here kitty kitty kitty!' (is that not the cutest thing ever?  She named her cat Rabbit hehe).  After a while, we went back to the backyard and sat out on the patio for a while.  She sheepishly let out a couple tears, and was trying to hide it... but it really just made me melt.  Her precious little face..  and I just started rubbin her back, and she grasped my hand.  She called her mom, and after telling her what happened, she said 'No, she's not supposed to see me cry so soon' as she looked over at me and smiled through her tears.  So, she's already told her mom about me, and ugh.  I would never want to see her cry, but she just looked so beautiful. 

So anyway, we spent the rest of that day walking all around and looking for her cat, after I went to the store to get stuff to make breakfast for her.  Yes, we had breakfast around 230 lol.  I got her a rose while I was out, and surprised her with it, held it up in front of her face as I hugged her from behind.  She showered me with kisses and a tight squeeze.  :) 

She had to work the next day, and I had a client in town, so I went back to her house when I was done.  I cleaned her room, and the whole house actually haha.  When she got home from work, she just curled up on me on the couch before we went back out to look around for Rabbit.  I love how she just seems to meld to me perfectly when we cuddle.  And I love that she always touches me if we're anywhere near each other, even when we're eating.  I love the constant contact, and all the kisses.  I just feel like this is the way it's supposed to be in the beginning.  Just all smiles and kisses and cuddling.  I've never had anything ever go so smoothly.  So many butterflies all the time, but yet, it still just feels natural and calm.  Even with my major ex, we were already arguing by now lol. 

I cut her hair...  and oh my god... she looks freakin hot.  her hair was in a bob before, but we cut it shorter..  a really fractured and texturized cut, where the short little pieces fall right over her eyes...  oooooh wow.  haha.  I thought she was adorable before, but now... just, wow.  haha.  Yummmmm!

Anyway, when we went out looking for Rabbit Monday night, we took a walk first, and she held my hand the whole time.  Even when we were turning around, she'd take my hand with her other hand so she could turn around.  It was just so sweet.  She'd squeeze my hand every now and then.  Anyway, after a while, we actually spotted him.  We were then driving around to the neighborhood that is directly behind her house, and saw him there.  She jumped outta the car and I put the lights right on him.  He crouched down for about 20 seconds before running away when she tried to approach him further.  She hasnt caught him yet, but she made flyers and has had a few neighbors call to say they've spotted him too, and she's seen him everyday, just hasnt been able to catch him.  I'm just glad that she can at least see him, she was just so scared that he was hurt or something before we saw him.  Hopefully she'll figure out a way to catch him, but at least she knows he's ok. 

Tuesday, she came home and again curled right up to me on the couch for a while before I had to go home.  She kept saying I'm not allowed to go home hehe. 

Oh and we took a pretty steamy shower together.  It was her idea, I told her she needed to wet her hair down so I could cut it, to which she said 'I'll just take a shower.  Wanna join me?'  I went red immediately... said 'buttttttt i'm shyyyy about my boddyyyyyyy' and she just started kissing me and so she got her way lol.  She's so tiny, like seriously little and perfect and just all together delicious, and for some reason, she's attracted to me and can't keep her hands off me.  It's really nice :).  And she's just so sweet, and I can see her guard coming down little by little.

Mama... mama... mama... WHAT???... hi. :)

Oh... Mama.  Oh dear....

So things about my relationship with my mother have been recently brought to my attention by some outsiders.  Things that I didn't even realize.  It's amazing how much someone else's few comments can be like a huge lightbulb flashing in front of your eyes in the middle of the night. 

I have been involved in some marketing groups recently, one of them called "The Geekettes Club" which is basically a big group of women who are business owners or others of the like who are wanting a place to market themselves, and meet other women who are empowering and supportive.  We meet once a month, and I've been involved in the group for about 4 months.  I've met so many amazing women, and everyone is just so supportive of me and what I do, and it's definitely been something I look foward to every month.  My mom decided to join as well, and has gone to a couple of the meetings with me.  My experience in these meetings is very different, depending on if my mom is with me or not.  And I didn't even realize how much differernt until someone else pointed it out to me.  The leader of the Geekettes and I have gotten close.  She is an amazing woman.  She's from Australia (which is why I love talking to her, I could listen to her accent forever hehe) and she's traveled all over the world before settling here with her hubby.  She is amazing with marketing and ideas, and just one of those really great motivating people.  I've done her hair, and her sister's hair as well, so while I've been at her house we've had time to chat.  After meeting me and my mom at least twice, she asked me if I'm an only child.  I thought it an odd question, and said no, I have one little sister.  She said that my mom acts like she's a show mom, like she is constantly trying to sell me to everyone we meet, and that I act completely different when I'm with her.  I just kinda stood there, thinking to myself, and realizing how much this is true.

After our first meeting with the Geekettes, I was livid with my mother.  I just had no idea that it was so apparent to everyone else.  She is completely smothering when we are together.  We are both there to market ourselves, and during the mingling part of the meeting, she is attached to my hip and introducing me to everyone we meet, telling everyone what I do and how great I am and how talented I am and "here take her business card, she'll come to your house and do your kids' hair too and your husband's hair, are you married?  Kelly is just great with kids, and with men's haircuts, and she's great with your short women's cuts, see??  Look at my hair!  she does my hair, and she's also great with long hair and color....ETC."  I know that she means well, and that she really is proud of me, but she makes me look like I can't speak for myself.  At one point during that first meeting I gracefully took her arm in my hand and SQUEEEEEZED firmly in an effort to tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP MOM. She just looked at me and giggled, and shut up for about a minute, then started right back up with the next person we met.  On the way home I told her that I was seriously about to lose my shit in there, and that I couldn't even get a word in and it makes me look like I'm this little kid with no experience and that I probably have no idea what I'm doing.  She just said that she was trying to help me and that she's used to me being this little shy girl... but I've come so far from being that little shy girl and I guess that she just has no idea.  I know that she means well, but she's just completely overwhelming.

Then, as of late, I'm getting even more and more frustrated with her.  She is soooo nosey.  I didn't even realize how much until I had moved back in with her.  It's of course gotten 20million times worse since I've moved back in, because I'm now a part of her everyday life, so she wants to know everything that's going on with everything.  If she's leaving early for work in the morning, she wakes me up just to ask me what I'm doing that day, even if I've already told her.  Just yesterday she woke me up to say 'don't forget to mow the lawn' even though I had told her the night before that it was the first thing I was planning on doing with my day.  If I'm at home during the day and she is too, she'll literally check in on me at least 3 times just to ask 'what are you doing?'  and it leaves me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells in my own house.  This is a daily thing for me.  Over the past two weeks, Mom and her husband have been going outta town a lot, and you wouldn't believe how much more at ease I feel in general.  This past weekend, they were gone from Thursday through Monday.  It was like I could breathe again. 

After much frustration with my mom asking me repeatedly what am I doing to further my business and what am I planning on doing with my life and what are my plans for the future and what am I doing to get there, I broke down and yelled out 'I'M MOVING TO RICHMOND!'  It turned into this huge screaming fit, she is the only person in this entire world who can get me so worked up that I actually have to scream.  I am usually so laid back and easy going in general, but she makes me feel like my chest is going to explode, like if I don't scream I won't be able to breathe.  So yeah... she flipped out with that one, and started acting like she was about to cry, just saying 'I don't want you to keep making bad choices Kelly...  I'm just so worried about you...  you just keep making bad decisions."  I lost it at that point, and full on started screaming at her.  She said that she thinks I'm running away... and that I'm not going to find myself somewhere else.  I need to have my stuff in order first, I need to be able to find myself here.  I completely disagree.  I've hated it here ever since I knew I might someday have a choice.  I think that at 26 years of age, if I'm not happy with my life, I should damn well do something about it.  I should get up and move.  I should go find myself.  I should follow my heart.  This is fucking age to do that!  Life doesn't always have to be by the book, by now, I know that first hand.  I told her that there is nothing for me here.  And there isn't.  I have felt like I'm done with this place for years, but never had the guts to do something about it.  I just wanted to wait for someone or something to give me a reason to move away.  But I'm done with that.  I love it there, I never want to leave when I'm there, and it's my time to really do something that I know in my heart will be good for me.

I told myself at the beginning of this year that this was my year.  And it's something that I have repeated in my head to myself on many occassions this year.  This is my year to find myself, to find happiness, to hopefully find love, but most importantly, just to find where it is I'm supposed to be, and what path I'm supposed to be on.  I can't let my overly controlling mother make me feel like this isn't what I'm supposed to do.  I know she means well, but she and I look at life so differently.  Right now I'm craving adventure, and I'm craving the feeling of just feeling alive.  I want to make mistakes and learn from them, and I want to feel like it's ok to do that.  And I do feel like it's ok.  Life is about living and learning, not just constantly trying to do everything right. 

So anyway (and I apologize this is like the longest post ever haha), I went and saw a good friend the other day, T, to do her hair.  She's my trainer, and I also wrote about her in this post.  She's about 20 years my senior, but she's someone who I feel like I can always talk to about anything.  I love going to see her, we always exchange stories about the new ladies in our lives, since we're both doing the online dating thing.  She's recently come out to herself, and to others, and she has asked me on more than one occassion "sooo...  why are women so crazy?'  hahaha.  She cracks me up.  But back to my subject.  She's met my mom now a few times, I invited T to one of the marketing events with me, and my mom is now consulting with her for training and diet stuff.  So anyway, when I went to see her without my mom being there, I told her about my plans for moving to Richmond, and she was so excited for me.  "You're gonna still come do my hair right?" hehe.. that was her one and only concern.  But when she started asking me details about it.. she said.. "is it so that you can get away from your mom?"  and i just stood there thinking... uhhh... what?  And then it came out.  This was the second person that has commented on my relationship with my mother within the past month, and they have been the ones to bring it up, not me.  But T told me that I am a completely different person when she's with me.  My posture changes, my arms kinda turn forward and my hands are constantly in fists, like I'm defensively ready for a confrontation or a fight. She said that I don't smile nearly as much as I usually do, that I seem to just shut down, and give quick responses to whatever we're talking about.  She said that it's the same way during all of the times she's seen me with her.  That really made me take a step back from doing her hair, and I just stood there and thought for a while.  She's right.  I am totally more at ease when my mom is not there, or even the subject of conversation.  Man..  it's just crazy to hear it from someone else. 

I love my mom, but there is no greater stress in my life right now than her.  I know she doesn't mean it, but she is just so overwhelming and stressful and completely smothering.  I haven't even told her yet about my new girl, and I would have usually told her all the details by now.  I just need privacy right now.  I need time away and without her being so far up my ass.  It's exhausting.

My weekend.

So I'm learning really fast that I already need to find another part time job.  I've gotten two paychecks from the coffee shop and both of them were dramatically less than I had expected.  After talking to a few of the girls there, they all said that they're all having paycheck issues, and when they try to talk to the boss lady about it, she gets really defensive and says that we must not be clocking in and out properly (bullshit).  I'm already having trouble with scheduling... she always gives me pretty much the opposite of what we had originally discussed while I was being hired... so that is cutting into my hair client time.  I'm just going to look for another job... my sole reason for taking this job is to make some extra money so that I can save up a good amount before moving.  If I'm not even getting a paycheck for all of my hours working, then what's the point?  I just don't want to have to deal with this shit every two weeks.

On the upside of my weekend :)...  New Girl came to see me.  My parents were out of town for 5 days, so New Girl (we'll call her S) and I looked at our work schedules and decided that she could come here on Sunday and stay through Monday.  We hadn't even decided this until just the night before, so I was in a frenzy getting the place ready.. cleaning my room, washing my sheets, shaving my legs hehe... all the while she is laughing at me over the phone saying 'I hope you don't expect me to deep clean my place when you come here!!  I'd rather you just see the real me, the slob.'  She chuckled.  She also sent me pictures of her room, and she's really not that bad, but again, I like that she's honest about who she is.  And after dating someone who thought that even every bobby pin should have its place, I have much more in common with someone who is not so uptight.  But I also can't wait to go to her place so that I can help her get organized.  She just moved into this place a couple months ago, and she still has some stuff in boxes haha. 

During the previous week, I had told S that she could earn a massage from me only by payment of kisses.  Since we hadn't had a first kiss on the first date, I figured that was fair, and an excuse for her to kiss me.  Yes, I have an agenda, lol.  So when she got here, we both discovered that we were still just as nervous and giddy around each other as we had been during the first date, even after talking on the phone pretty constantly for almost 2 weeks since our first date.  She already knew she was gonna be shy and nervous still, but I had actually thought that I'd be ok.  Yeah... I was still nervous lol.  It's such a good nervous though. 

I surprised her by making avocado egg rolls from scratch (her favorite).  I waited for her to get here before we went to the store to get the ingrediants together.  We had both never actually bought avocados from the store, so she pulled out her iphone and looked up 'how to tell if an avocado is ripe'.  It was pretty hilarious actually...  it told us to put the avocado in the palm of your hand, and squeeze to see if it is firm or if the skin is loose.  It told us that it should feel like you're pressing down on your own palm, so we both pressed on each others palms and squeezed a bunch of avocados while giggling uncontrollably like little girls.  It probably was more fun for us than it is for you to read this, but it was pretty silly.  She just makes me giggle :).  We went back to my place and I started prepping the food while we both had a few beers.  I was one ahead of her at first, but she caught up fast, and it turned into a game of 'I win.'  We actually turn a lot of things into that haha.  So when she had finished one of her beers before me, she started making her way to the fridge to pull out another one, but I stepped in front of her so I could try to finish mine so that we'd be even again.  Wellllll..  my plan worked, even more so than I'd hoped.  Instead of trying to get past me, she glided in for a kiss... and it was perfect.  :)  It was definitely the best first kiss I've had in a long time.  I got instant butterflies all over. 

I'll write more later, I need to get to sleep.  But I'm really enjoying myself with her, and getting to know her.  It feels like there's no pressure, and it feels natural.  Good weekend :)