Bigger and better things.

I had a really great week this week.  I have been so busy!  I've met quite a few amazing women, made a couple new friends, and have gotten a lot of new ideas for my business.  I'm really excited!  I feel like I'm on the brink of something great, something that I'm creating all on my own, something that is really me, and something that is going to create my future. 

I had met with a woman, Allison, for lunch about a month ago.  She and my mom had met at a networking function, and my mom had been tooting my horn to her haha.  (what are mama's for??)  She is starting her own business, basically she's wanting to help other small business owners get on their feet, and help with marketing and such.  So I met with her for lunch, she gave me a ton of great ideas, and also put me in touch with this woman's group in the area.  They're called the "Geekettes Club" and basically, they are just all about promoting and helping each other, no matter what business we are in.  There's over 300 women in the group!  They meet once every month, and I went to my first meeting this past week.  Sonya, the creator of the group, is such a doll.  I latched onto her so fast!  She has the cutest australian accent, so of course I'm hanging on her every word as she's giving me tips for my business.  She does online marketing, so she had so many great ideas for me.  I had made a brochure (instead of the flyer I was using) using Microsoft Publisher, and brought a copy of it with me to the meeting, so I could get some input on it.  Sonya had said that the whole thing ended up looking to corporate, and that she thought that since I'm an artist, I should use my creativity to make the whole thing stand out.  I was scared to go too overboard with it originally, not wanting to make it look too out there, but now I'm really having fun with it and I think it's definitely gonna catch some people's eyes.   I even singled in on a logo.  I have literally made like 40 of them and finally made one that I love (a lot better than the one I was going to use, that I simply didn't hate, but didn't love haha).  Here it is:

Pretty cute eh?  I love it.  I did make the mistake of ordering new business cards with a different design, but it's ok, they're still really cute, and they look a lot better than my old ones, and most importantly, they have my new website on them. 

I met with a client today, and asked her for her input on my website (take a look at it, click on the picture on the right under my bio), and she gave me some different ideas too, so I think my website will continually be a work in progress.  I have at least gotten the look of it to be something that I don't hate.  I have literally been working on it everyday and night of this week, whenever I wasn't with clients.  I haven't been able to sleep!  I'm just so excited about everything, and I want to make sure that I'm making the most of all of the new ideas.  I really think that all of this is going to make a difference, and I'll actually be able to hand out my business card proudly, with a nice brochure and website to back it up.

The Geekettes Club is planning on having workshops that I'm going to attend.  They bring in business specialists to teach us the ins and outs of starting your own business.  I'm so excited!  They are also planning a vendor event, and Sonya said that I could bring my paintings to show and also do live hairstyling right there in the show.  Luckily I've been 'on stage' before, my old salon used to do stage shows and I got to help. 

I'm just so excited.  I feel like so many opportunities are opening up for me, and they couldn't have come sooner.  I'm in a good place emotionally, and just ready to grab everything that comes towards me. 

I am thinking that I'm going to hold off on moving out of mom's house.  I have so many things that are coming together, and I realize I need to have a bigger base before I take all of those expenses back on.  I'm lucky to be able to not have to pay rent, and things really are calming down around here.  No reason to rock the boat at this point.  I was always thinking that living here would just completely diminish my social and dating life, but who cares at this point?  That's not what my focus is right now.  I really want to establish my business, and essentially establish myself.  I'm feeling great!

Pictures as promised.

So these are a little late, but here's some pics from last weekend seeing Grace Potter and the Nocturnals with SquirtyB and her friends. 

The view as we're walking to the festival.

Blurry Grace Potter, the woman who stole my heart!

Grace rockin out.  Be still my heart.  She was so sexy.

And her voice is just amazing.

hahahha sorry Squirty, I just couldn't help but to put this up!  This is SquirtyB on the left, with her gf.

Here's a better one hehhehe.

And here's me with SquirtyB.  The stage is behind us!  We had such a good time, even though we were all sweating so bad that my makeup literally melted right off my face.  See the shine???  Good times.

I am also super excited because I got a new computer.  My old one was broken and it turned out that the repairs were gonna be more expensive than the thing was even worth, so I got a really nice used laptop for only $150!!!  It's way newer than the one I had and works great and I love it.  It even has windows 7 on it. 

Again more excitedness because my friend S has a friend who just put her condo up for rent and H and I are gonna go look at it this week.  It's a 2 bedroom 2 full bath, in a great part of town, and she's bringing the price down to only $900 a month for us since I know her best friend.  I'm so excited, I'm ready!  She's revamping the whole place, so it'll be ready for us to look at by wednesday.  Whooooop!

And the search begins.

So I've been living back at my mom's house now for a little over 3 months, and I'm pretty much at my breaking point.  My friend H has had to recently move back in with her mom, and she's ready to lose it too.  I met up with her last night for her cousin's birthday celebration, and we had some drinks and formulated a plan.  The plan is to find a place together.  The plan is to begin this week.  The plan is now.  The plan is genius. 

I'm really excited about this, I really think that she and I will be the refreshment that the other needs, and it's definitely something to look foward to.  I'm happy that I was able to save up some money while being at home, but it's definitely time to go!

I bought Chelsea Handler's book "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" and just started reading it.  I've only just read the first chapter, and already I was laughing so hard that there were tears streaming down my face and my jaw about fell to the floor like 3 times.  She is hilarious!  And raunchy as hell, but I love it.  I can't wait to see what else this crazy broad has to say.  I love her show, so when I saw her book, I knew I had to get it.  I think she has a couple others out too, so I'll probably be getting those soon too. 

Ohhh like so many done before, ya always leave me wanting more...

I am very much in love and mesmerized by Grace Potter.  Good lord, what a sexy and talented woman.  I mean, for real.  I went up to visit SquirtyB last night, to go to the Grace Potter and the Nocturnals show.  I got stuck in major traffic going there and coming home this morning, but let me tell you, it was welllll worth it!

I was all set to write up a great blog about all of the fun I had last night and this morning, but I am just too appalled right now to go there.  I feel like I have pulled the wool away from my eyes.  I will never again call MJ a friend of mine.  That woman is not who I thought she was.  And I'll never understand how it makes someone sleep easy at night when they are so cold hearted... to actually place blame on someone else who was so good to them.  I don't know how I manage to get involved with people like this, how I seem to get fooled so easily.  But I guess it's one more lesson somehow.  Ya know what?  Who gives a shit. I'm done wasting my time thinking about her.  I had a great night last night, and she is not going to ruin that, or this post, or anything else.

Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  My god, seriously, she's amazing.  This video is a couple years old, but here ya go.  I got some pictures of her last night too, I'll post those next time.  But yeah, I'm in love.  hehe ;-)



And I also found another love last night too, but I was too chicken shit to even say hi to her.  SquirtyB, her gf, and a couple of her friends and I went to the local lesbo bar in her town after seeing Grace Potter sing her skirt off. 

There was this girl there.  She caught my eye as soon as I saw her, from across the room.  I caught hers too.  We made eye contact countless times, and even locked eyes for a few seconds a few times, you know those locked eyes when you can't look away but you're terrified and buzzzzerflies are shooting all over your body...  oh man.  She was a sight.  I kept telling SquirtyB that I thought she was so cute but that I'm scared and I'm too shy to just go up to some girl and say hi... and of course Squirty was... shall we say... very happily tipsy hahaha, and kept literally booty bumping me towards my dreamgirl.  Squirty is much taller than me, and had no trouble over powering me hahaha.  So as I'm being pushed across the dance floor against my will, I'm trying to get up the courage to go say hi to this beam of light.  It didn't happen.  I then see her friends all pulling her out onto the dancefloor against her will, and I discover that she too is apparently very shy, which just made me all mushy even more for her.  Her table where she's standing is near the back hallway to go to the potty, so I again lock eyes with her on my two trips to the bathroom.  The second time, when i was walking out, was the biggest eyeball lock.  We both even turned our heads a bit to keep our eyes locked as i walked by.  I just smiled, sheepishly, but still enough for her to see that I was smiling at her.  So, is it gonna be me or her that has to jump the hurdle?  As i keep locking eyes with her, and she is usually the first one to look away, even when I see her trying to find my eyes through the crowd, I see that I will probably have to be the one to say hello.  So, I make one last trip to the potty, to make sure that I look ok and to empty my peeps so that I don't feel the need to wet myself from nervousness. 

When I came back out, she was gone.  Gone!  Can you believe it?  I waited too long.  I must have bitched the entire way home to Squirty and her gf about how I was so mad at myself for letting her pass me by.  I can't get her big brown eyes locked on mine out of my head.  My plan?  To pester Squirty into letting me come visit her any weekend that she has available so that we can go back and I can see if I see her again.  If ever I were to see her again, I wouldn't let her pass me by!

I love awards.

Don't ask me why! 

I do believe that this is actually my 4th blog.  I have changed blogs so many times haha.  I had gotten quite a few awards in my first blog, couple in my second, but didn't want to take any with me to my latest one.  So thisssss is my kinda sorta my first one here.  Yeah it was given to every one of her followers by I'm No Miss but that's ok.  I'm taking it, just like she said. 

yayyyy. 

I want to pass this award along to a few of my favorites, and for those who have really been there (even if only in my lovely blogger world) for me while I'm having my crazy days haha.  I really appreciate all of the helpful comments, even if it's not always what I want to hear!

1. Miss Squirty B-I love you to pieces and I miss you and I wanna hang out soon and thank you for being there for me and always making me feel better.  You are truly a great friend.

2. Mel's Way-Thank you for all of your comments, I don't know you very well but for some reason you really do always know what to say to make me feel better!  And I love your blog!  And I know you already have this award, but now you have it twice :)

3. Emily's Last Word-she's my new favorite follower and she looks so familiar to me but I can't figure out why, but I love her blog so here ya go!

4. To any one of my other followers.  I know my last few posts have seemed a bit crazy and dramatic, but in times like these, it's comforting to know that someone out there is listening.  Thank you all!

Better days.

Here's to having a better day!  I'm in a much better mood today.  I'm well aware that it could be gone just as quickly tomorrow, but my good mood is here right now so I think that calls for a celebration. 

MJ is on a trip to Washington to see some relatives, and although she doesn't live next door to me at all, it feels good to have even more distance between us.  I know it's not needed, but maybe it's just in my mind and it seems to be working.  She had texted saying that she wouldn't be able to talk much while she's there, and it actually made me feel so much better.  I told her this is probably a good time for me to get my head back on straight, and told her to have a good time.  She's gonna be there for a week.  She's gonna be busy with her family for a week.  I'm sure I'll hear from her a little bit here and there, but for this next week, I think it's gonna be my time to find my own peace again. 

I had written about how I was supposed to be going up to her this past week, to be her nurse while she had surgery.  I went on Thursday, her surgery was friday.  I took care of her.  I took really really good care of her.  I ran her errands, and walked her dog.  I did everything I could to make her as comfortable as possible.  I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours while she was having the procedure, by myself.  I dressed her before it was time to go home.  I layed in bed next to her while she slept after the procedure, dozed off myself a couple of times, but just wanted to be there close to her in case she needed anything.  I rubbed her back, and even got her a big bag of her favorite candies for when she was feeling better.  I had to leave that night, because I had 7 prom hairdos starting at 1030 the next morning, but I stayed with her late enough that I didn't even get home until 2am, just because I was so scared to leave her in case she needed me. 

I'm glad I did all of these things.  She did thank me.  But yeah, I cried for about 2 hours of the 4 hour drive home.  It left me feeling confused, and lost.  I'm glad that feeling's past.  I didn't know what to expect when i saw her.  She had said that she didn't know either, she didn't know how she was going to feel when we saw each other.  But it was confirmed the next morning, that my being there hadn't changed how she felt.  It felt like a sucker punch.  I had just been there for her in one of her lowest moments, drove a total of 8 hours in two days to take care of her, and it didn't even make her flinch in her decision.  It made me feel like I'm too nice.  I actually wonder if she would have done the same for me.  But I guess it doesn't matter to think about things like that.  It's over.  I don't have to wonder anymore if we will someday change our minds and try again.  Maybe in a way, it was a very weird case of closure, and maybe I needed it. 

Just last night, when she called me, she snapped at me because I had texted her asking her how her MRI went (she had to have one last night for some back issues, and the appointment was right after her date with the new girl), and had texted her again half an hour later asking why she couldn't answer me.  I knew I was just digging a hole, don't ask me why I did it..  but when she called me, she had no issues with making me feel like shit, like I owed her an apology for texting her.  The same feeling I had felt when my major ex would make me feel like a worthless piece of shit, that's the feeling I felt all over again.  Not as serious, but still the same.  It disgusted me.  No one should be made to feel like that, and I will never let someone make me feel that lowly again.  I will not give anyone the satisfaction.  She knows that I'm having issues, and trying to heal, trying my best.  I will never again apologize for having a heart.  She got the last apology. 

I don't believe that she is as cold hearted as she is seeming to me right now.  I think that she actually may be an ex that I can have a constructive friendship with in the future.  But for now, she's just making me feel like shit and today was a good day without having her be such a part of it.  The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter.  Here I come.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool...

not crazy, just a little unwell-ishhhh.

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty (rob thomas is my baby daddy) just came on my pandora and I'm sitting here listening to the words and isn't it weird how songs that you've heard a thousand times already can suddenly make sense to you in a completely new and different way?

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me.

I'm actually feeling better right now, after writing that last post, and I've just been reading a ton of ya'lls blogs and getting my mind off of my own life, and then a song like that comes on, and it makes me wonder how long I'm gonna be able to keep it up.  I really do need to get some sleep, and stop fucking up my sleep schedule so much.  Now Somewhere Over the Rainbow just came on..  the version of it that I love.. and just instantly brings tears to my eyes.  This has always been one of my favorite songs.  My friend actually got married last weekend, and this man who worked at the bed and breakfast sang this song to us as we were getting ready, hair and makeup stuff.  It was so sweet.  And I can look at her, my newly married friend, and know that I'll find that happiness one day.  I'll find my fairytale.  Why is it in me to want to search so much for it though?  I have so many other things to search for, and this is always the subject that seems to overtake my mind.  The never ending search for love.  Who knows. 

Oh crystal ball... tell me life is beautiful.

New favorite music:  Keane.

Well, I got the privilege of hearing tonight that MJ's first date with the new girl went great. 

I'm not really sure why I'm putting myself through this.  I tell myself that it's a good idea, and that the hurt feelings will go away... but so far no good.  The fucked up part is that I don't even want her back.  That, for one thing, is getting easier and easier to see everyday.  But what I don't get is why it still turns my stomach.  It makes me feel so mixed up, almost sick, like I can't make myself completely step away from the situation.  I want to know, for some sick reason, what's going on.  But it's always been easier for me to just walk away and not have to subject myself to hearing about their new life without me.  I know what I need to do.  I need to do what I KNOW is best for me.

In my last post, I have to say that every single person's comment pissed me off.  I wanted ya'll to side with meeee!  and for some reason, I felt like no one did that.  No one said what I WANTED to hear.  I know that's not actually true.  But I want to feel ok with making a decision that seems 'cold' to some people, by just stepping away.  It's what's easier for me, and I just don't think I can heal otherwise.  Maybe I'll be able to go back and be friends with an ex later, but I just can't do that until I'm fully healed from the breakup.  I'm not even fucking hurting that much over this shit, it's just something that literally sits in the middle of my head and it won't go away.  I just need it gone right now.  I don't need this kind of distraction.

After MJ and I got off the phone tonight, I went straight into the bathroom and took a burning hot bubble bath.  I never take baths.  Like seriously, maybe once a year.  I put on my pandora and typed in coldplay and blasted the speakers and just layed in there, taking deep breaths.  The water was so hot I could hardly stand it at first, but I needed to feel the stimulation. 

Lines ever more unclear

I'm not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

Here we go.

I actually don't even know what to say or where to start...  I'm so confused with myself right now and I hate feeling this way and I hate that I STILL don't know how to find my way out of shit like this.  I feel like any choice I make will be the wrong one.  I feel like it's not even up to me to make a decision. 

I'm not a go with the flow kind of person.  It actually makes me crazy to just sit back and watch things happen, I want to be more involved and I feel like it will all blow up in my face if I just say that I'll come back to this later and make a decision.  Again, I think I get this from my mother.  She is a control freak, a really big one.  Like, for real, big time.  So I guess I got some of that wonderful little trait from her, yay me.  But I really just don't know how to just sit back and let things happen, when I know that it's hurting me, and that it's going to hurt me if I am able to see it all happening in front of me.

Confused enough yet?  I'm trying to be vague because I have a new reader!  But that was my decision, which was another one that I wanted to trust wouldn't come bite me in the ass.  So here it is.  MJ and I are friends now.  That's the decision that we came to together.  I have never been able to be friends with an ex, and I've just gotten the sting of remembering why.  I'm a softie.  And it's been easier for us to just be friends, and keep each other in our lives, so that we wouldn't have to feel the full on sting of the breakup.  And yes, we did break up, it's over, and I can say with 95% certainty that I haven't been hoping for us to get back together.  It's just been flat out nice to still be someone else's number one.  And that's probably been the issue that we hadn't realized until now.  We have still been talking just as much as we did when we were dating... yeah, seriously like all day everyday, we're in touch, and we know what the other person is doing.  I was actually at an all day wedding yesterday where my phone didn't get service, and by the end of the night, I felt like I needed to rush home so that I'd be able to talk to her on the phone.  I actually felt guilty for not being able to talk to her throughout the day, even though we're not even a couple.  So yeah, this isn't ideal, but it's been easy and nice and comfortable. 

And then today, I found out that she might have a new love interest.  She was very honest with me, she didn't try to hide it.  She and I are both on a well known dating online site (which is actually how we met) and she has been emailing a new girl back and forth over this weekend.  Ouch, that stings!  Why?  Well I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we've never really seperated ourselves, and so I haven't had time to prepare for the thought of her maybe talking to someone else.  She said that the other girl had given her her number, and that MJ planned on calling her. 

So, our predicament.  And don't worry kids, I had no issues telling her that it hurts me and that I don't know how to deal with it and all that stuff.  And yeah, it's not even anything yet to fret over, they only talked on the phone once tonight.  But it's scaring me because of how I'm reacting to this, and if it does turn out to be something more, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.  It seems too soon.  And I know she doesn't mean for it to be, but it seems hurtful.  I think it seems hurtful to me because I'm planning on going up to see her this Thursday, to be there for her and take care of her because she's having surgery, a procedure that's going to be pretty life altering.  I want to be there for her.  I want her to know that she has me to count on, that I'll always be there for her, but now it just feels like I'm a step in.  I don't want to feel this way, and she doesn't want me to feel this way, and she says that she still wants us to be friends and that it shouldn't be a conditional friendship.  But it's just hard for me.  I'm finding out today that it's just not that easy for me to turn off my feelings like a light switch, and there's been no warning of this coming.  We've still pretty much been each other's daily companions, even if it's just been over the phone for 3 weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.  It's just pretty shitty timing that this gets all jumbled up right before I want to be there for her in 3 days.  I don't want to be there and wonder who she's texting, and I know that that is just how my mind works.  I wish I didn't think that way.  I wish I didn't have so much jealousy in me.  I don't want to be this way, but I hurt and I don't know how to make it stop.  I'm just tired of always being the one who gets their feelings hurt.  I feel like I strive to do best by others, and I feel that I'm genuinely a good person, and that karma should be making its way back around to me, but it just seems like everything leads to one more dead end.  I'm tired of having a reason to tear up, or a reason for me to question if I'm doing what's really best for myself. 

I try to live so that if I do enough good and if I care enough about other people, it'll come back around to me.  It would just be nice for someone else to put my feelings first.  I don't even know what I'm asking for, but it always seems like it's just too much. 

I want to be there for her at the end of this week, and I still think I'm going to go.  I'd feel guilty for not going, and just get upset with myself.  I just wish I knew what to do with all this stuff in my head and heart.  I don't even know where to put it, which way to push it or pull it.