Holy jesus mary mother of god.

Ok we really need to stop talking about this...  We're still finding out more and more about the dreaded X bitch asshole.  I contacted her other ex (apparently all 3 of us overlapped each other on more than one occassion) to apologize for all of this stuff that I didn't even know, and then we started comparing stories and it's like what else can we possibly pile on to this?  But there's always more. 

I think I found the topper though.  While X and I were together (this was over a year ago) I had been working on a painting that was going to be her birthday present.  I wasn't finished with it when we broke up, but I put it away for a long time and didn't work on it.  About 6 months after the breakup, I pulled the painting back out, and kept the general design of it all, but added a bunch of different colors, to change it.  It felt amazing.  I was fully over her, and this was my way of getting full closure, something that I really could have only given myself.  The painting is beautiful.  It's currently hanging in the salon where I used to work, on display.  It transformed itself into one of my favorite paintings, and it means a lot to me, naturally.  Well, as I was talking to the 3rd ex tonight, she was talking about X's new girl and sent me a link to a picture of her and X on facebook.  I then scrolled through about 3 more pictures in the album, and I came upon this picture of X smiling at the camera, facing her laptop computer, so the open laptop back is facing the camera.  The entire back of her laptop is a picture of that painting.  I fucking flipped out.  3rd Ex told me that she actually bought that for her, X had gotten a new laptop, and ordered that picture of my painting as a sticker to put on the top of the laptop.  Yeah.  She has been keeping her nose in my websites for my art, she stole my painting, somehow put it on a sticker, and she actually had her other ex buy it for her online. 

I was just livid when I saw that picture.  After all we've discovered about this disgusting human being, she still had to steal one more thing from me, something that meant so much to me, and even if it wasn't so sentimental to me, it doesn't matter.  This asshole/waste of space/absolute worthless human being took so much from me without even a second thought in her head. 

Ok I'm done.  This is the last time I get angry over her.  It's just amazing to know that this kind of person was ever allowed to be in my life.  I can safely say I hate her.  And I don't ever say that. 

If you're reading this, cuz I know you're a nosey little shit, you're gonna get what's coming to you.  I hope you're ready for it. 

Wow. Still in shock.

And even more so now.  I'm finding out more and more about the reality of the relationship that I had with this girl  'X' that i was talking about.  After talking to J, her other ex, more tonight, we're still piecing things together.  She knows a helluva lot more than I do, cuz 'X' confided in her about all the shit she was doing to me.  After the convo tonight, I feel like a major dumbass.  Like...  i don't even know.  I know it's not worth talking about, much less even worrying about or thinking about, but I have just never been this blindsided by someone.  I knew I had been through heartbreak, and bad relationships before, but I just can't believe how much this takes the fucking cake.  I just can't believe all of the lies, I can't even piece them together.  Every single thing that we had together was a lie.  And it wasn't even a good lie.  All of the cheating.  Finding out now that I was pretty much always 'the other woman' and I didn't even know it.  I wasn't even the other woman, I was probably one of many.  I know this feeling will pass by tomorrow, but right now, it's just a little hard to breathe. 

And get this shit!  I made a new lesbian friend recently, and we just figured out that we both have a history with this girl!  and we live like 2 hours apart.  Luckily she didn't stick around as long as I did.  But she, too, was 'the other woman' and didn't realize it at first. She was with her just this year, while 'X' was with the girl that she left me for in the end.  And she was one of many, as I'm hearing from a few different people.   I'm just mortified.  I've just always thought that I have a good idea of who people are.  'X' even told me a few times that it scared her how much she thought I could read her, and how no one else ever could.  Well I apparently couldn't read her enough. 

I know that this all happened over a year ago, and I'm so thankful for that, but it still just jolts you to know that your own history isn't what you thought it was.  I'll get over it.  It's just crazy.  I literally can't wrap my head around everything that was going on.  I couldn't even write it all out if I wanted to.  To now know that I was cuddling her on the couch in her grandfather's hospital room as he lay there dying... and she was actually still with someone else while this was happening.  To now know that when her car broke down when she was on her way to meet my family for superbowl sunday 3 years ago, and I came out to save her, she was actually texting her other gf asking her to come save her first, but she couldn't because she was at work.  All of the lies.  All of the secrets. 

Ok, I'm fine.  I just had to vent this out.  I really am just jolted.  But I'm fine.  Just crazy.

Holy shit.

Well I just found out who my craziest ex is.  Wow.  Holy...shit.  Like...  I just found out so much that I didn't even know, and we've been broken up for over a year.  I'm literally sitting here, just in shock, appalled, I can't even believe what i just heard.

All I can say is that I'm lucky to have gotten out of that when I did.  I didn't know people were really able to treat people so badly, and still be able to look in the mirror and sleep at night.  I knew there were lies in my relationship with her, but I just simply had no idea the extent of them.  Apparently she cheated on me with her ex before me, with the girl she left me for, and 'some dude' that no one knows who he is.    And, while she and I were beginning our relationship, apparently she was still with the ex before me.  And this is just the beginning.  I mean, there is so much more, I just can't even believe it.  After talking to another one of her exes, I just can't believe what a sociopath this girl is.  She literally wants to ruin everyones lives that she comes into contact with.  She needs to be cut off.  She needs to be medicated.  She needs to be put in a corner until she can learn how to interact with the rest of the human race in a respectful manner. 

I'm mortified that this was a person that I thought I loved at one time.  I had talked about a real future with this girl, talked about children, talked about opening a business with her. She was the first person that I ever saw a real future with, one that excited me and made me feel amazing.  I spent time with her family, I made a painting especially for her that was probably the most sentimental thing I've ever painted in my life.  I held her hand and cried with her.  I even danced around naked in the moonlight on the beach with her and her sister in the middle of the night in Corolla, NC, at my dad's beach house.  I would go and play cards with her grandma and her.  That girl even got me going to mass with her.  Looking back on the great memories we had, I feel like I have NO idea of who she was the entire time we were together.  How do I come into contact with these people?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???  How is it so easy for some people to just completely lie to your face?  To just flat out make up everything about who they are and what they care about?

Thankfully, I'm finding out about this a long time after it's been over, so it definitely doesn't affect me like it would have if I found this stuff out back when it was still fresh.  I'll admit that hearing these things definitely turned my stomach, but I was able to brush it off rather quickly. I have known for a long time that I wouldn't touch this girl with a 10ft pole, I just had no idea the extent of her absolute craziness.  The funny thing is that she recently asked her ex (the one who told me all of this info) that she wanted her to help her get me back.  Really???  I mean really.  She even added that she missed my boobs and chocha!!  My boobs and chocha are mine, and she sure as hell can't have them back!!! This is the same girl that left me the day before my birthday, the day after I had taken her to see Fleetwood Mac, and who I just now found out that she actually told people that she was staying with me because she wanted to go to the concert.  I already knew that, but the fact that she actually said it out loud as if she were proud of it...  just wow.  Haha... wow. This is the same damn girl that was the reason behind me starting a new blog, just because I didn't want her to be able to keep her tabs on me. I'm just lucky to have not stayed with her longer.  I'm ecstatic that she left when she did!  I'll still always look at that night on the beach with her and her sister as being one of the most meaningful nights of my life.  I felt free and beautiful and healthy and one with every spec of earth and water around me, and I thank her and her sister for bringing that feeling to life in me.  It really was the most amazing feeling, it's just such a shame that she didn't appreciate it all as much as I did.  But I'm glad.  I will just never be able to understand some people.  The guilt I would feel for treating someone like that (and she has treated multiple people this way)... I just can't even imagine.  Seriously CRAZY.

Just one more lesson on my path to the right one.  At least I can look back and remember that feeling that I'm still searching for in the future.

lost... hmmm.

I feel like I'm in a hole lately.  I feel lost and I don't really know how to find my way back to myself.  This so isn't like me, I'm usually a happy bubbly person, but there are just so many things that aren't going my way right now and I feel like I'm sinking.  And then when I actually see myself write these words, it makes me feel selfish for all the other people that are going through things far worse than I am.  I feel low just because I'm complaining.  Lol... what a pickle!

I did something stupid last night.  I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday.  Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her.  This scenario still hurts me.  I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me.  I just don't feel like I deserved it.  I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?

So anyway.  About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook.  This completely surprised me.  They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will.  They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me.  Everything about us was just a big lie.  And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work.  Well, it didn't. But anyway...  those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me.  I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her.  She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me.  She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all.  I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog.  She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does.  But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me. 

Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now.  I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures.  Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey.  There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined.  Ok, that's fine.  After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible.  But why is it so easy for her to find someone?  She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me.  She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose.  It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness. 

So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her.  Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning.  It seemed so real.  In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times.  She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work.  She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with.  We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl.  No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds.  But anyway, that was it.  That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream.  We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being.  Lord I'm rambling I know. 

My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me.  That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great.  I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.

Dreams.

I had a really weird dream last night and I've been trying to figure it out all day.  It, of course, involved my ex.  We'll call her H.

A little background.  She and I dated off and on for a little over a year.  I originally started dating her in an effort to get over my ex before her, but I guess that's how a lot of relationships start off unfortunately.  Anyway, in my mind, she was safe.  She was a nice girl from a nice family.  Close with her sisters, and seemed to want all of the same things that I did in a future.  Kids, a house in the country, a nice family life.  She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, and was crazy about me right from the start.  I mistakenly left her a couple times to go back to the ex before her, the one I couldn't get over, the one who knew all of the right things to say and when to say them and who knew exactly how to get to me and break me down and make me feel crazy.  I'll talk more about her later.

Back to H.  I'm gonna try to simplify the story.  During one of the times I had left her, she started dating this other woman.  Whenever I talked to H about her, she said that she was nice, but that she didn't have an opinion of her own, H claimed that she couldn't take her in public without feeling embarrassed, that she was a pill popper, that she called into work at least once a week and was always on the verge of getting fired from her job for calling in and being lazy, she always had a headache (or something else to complain about).  The list went on and on of things she was unhappy with.  As lesbians stereotypically do, they ended up moving in together only a few months after dating.  During their relationship, H left her twice to come back to me, and we made plans for our life, and plans for moving in together and getting out of her lease and all that jazz.  I saw a life with her like I never had with anyone else.  I was planning on moving away from my hometown (which I never have before) with her to a small town we'd decided to live in, in the mountains.  Kids were going to be in our near future, but not soon enough for her.  She ended up leaving me for the final time when I said I wasn't ready to pop out the little ones just yet, I was still eager to have a real life with her, without all of the drama of our exes in our lives.  I wanted to be settled in our new home and with good jobs first.  She wasn't havin it.  Kids were to be had ASAP. 

She went back to the woman she was still living with.  The one she had all of the complaints about.  The one that was convenient and was too scared to stand up to her or put her foot down.  Maybe I'm wrong about their relationship, but this is the information I was presented with by H.  And I'm sure I was insecure during our relationship, but who wouldn't be?  she was still living with that woman, and our past as a couple was full of ups and downs.  I was just wanting things to calm down so we could be the happy couple that we both envisioned we could be.  Maybe it was wishful thinking.  It ended badly.  I didn't need to, but it did.  She left me the day before my birthday, and later wrote out horrible things about me, all of my insecurities about myself and secrets about myself on her blog.  It was definitely an attempt to destroy me, and it almost did.  there was no need for it, she had been the one to leave me afterall.  I'm over it now, I refuse to read her blog.  Not going to put myself through any of that again. 

I did have a dream about her last night though.  I had a dream that she came back, left that other woman.  In reality, I don't want this to happen, I know that we're just not right for each other, but in my dream I was happy.  We just sat and talked in the dream.  Just looked at each other and I felt comfort in her being there.  I don't want her back, there ended up being so many lies that surfaced...  etc.  typical breakup stuff.  I'm over it, but I think I just miss the closeness of having someone.  It's not her, it's just the idea I had of her, or the idea of what I really want.  I'm looking foward to finding my own idea of love.