I'm really feeling things build up lately, and I don't like it. The 'one more bad date' and Jamie, this person that i called a friend, stealing something that was so personal and sentimental to me (read my past two blog posts)... and a few other things. I just can really feel things weighing on me, and I can feel it all getting heavier and heavier. It might not even be things that are that bad, it's definitely not anything I can't handle, but I just can't stand feeling this way. I want to tell myself that this is me hitting rock bottom, because once you hit rock bottom you can only go up. I thrive on being a positive and happy person, and whenever that's not my mood, it really affects me. It makes me not able to focus on things, makes me feel completely uninspired, and unmotivated to do anything.
My closest friend right now, H, has really gone off the deep end lately. She's been going through a lot, and it's gotten to the point where I don't really know how to help her or communicate with her anymore. She's drinking everyday, and it's just not fun anymore. At the beginning of the summer, it really was just all about having fun, but now it's like she's drowning her sorrows in it, and she's also started dating her new neighbor who is very recently going through a divorce.... I'm talking about like a couple weeks before H and he met, and started dating. So now, she's putting all of her time into him, and all I hear about are her drunken episodes, how they've already fought so many times, but that she still wants to hang out with him cuz she doesn't wanna be alone. So yeah, the entire situation is not any fun for me anymore. Like, at all. I'm really over it actually.
Other friends have moved away, other friends turned out to not be friends at all, and overall I'm just feeling really disconnected. I went and saw a friend and her gf this past weekend, and we had fun, I always love going there and seeing her, but her gf got upset with me over something that I said, that either came out the wrong way, or she took the wrong way. We were both drinking, so I don't even really remember what was said, but i just remember all of a sudden feeling like she thought i was a giant asshole, and there wasn't really a way to talk myself out of it. As much as I tried, it was just silence on the other end. I don't know... but it was just like one more thing that I had to sulk about and deal with... And it was really nobody's fault, well maybe it was my fault and I just don't know or don't remember, but ugh. I'm really just needing a bright light at the end of this tunnel.
I think that right now, while I'm feeling disconnected anyway, it's gonna be a really good time to just work on myself. I'm not happy with my weight and health, and I want to work on that. I saw my trainer today, and she's just gotten affiliated with a company that does healthy living and meal plans, and she's a health coach. We had a long long talk about how I've been feeling, and she helped me to see that I need to work on my relationship with myself to be able to get out of this tunnel. I need this, and I deserve this. It's going to be a lot of work, but I realize now more than ever how much I need this kind of change for myself. I need to feel good about myself, and I think that just that simple change about how I feel about me, will change so much of how I feel about the world around me. She has said that if I start working now, I could lose 40lbs by Christmas. I don't want to plan on that, because I've never lost that much weight at one time, and it just sounds completely unattainable, but I am going to just focus on losing 20lbs to start with. I need to actually lose about 60lbs according to my height, to be in a healthy place, but I need to start with baby steps. I also think that losing 20lbs would just make me feel so great, and hopefully will be the jumping off point for change.
I know I need to change something, because whatever I'm doing now isn't working, and I can feel it everyday. I need change. I need to feel the sunshine in my life again.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Here we go.
I actually don't even know what to say or where to start... I'm so confused with myself right now and I hate feeling this way and I hate that I STILL don't know how to find my way out of shit like this. I feel like any choice I make will be the wrong one. I feel like it's not even up to me to make a decision.
I'm not a go with the flow kind of person. It actually makes me crazy to just sit back and watch things happen, I want to be more involved and I feel like it will all blow up in my face if I just say that I'll come back to this later and make a decision. Again, I think I get this from my mother. She is a control freak, a really big one. Like, for real, big time. So I guess I got some of that wonderful little trait from her, yay me. But I really just don't know how to just sit back and let things happen, when I know that it's hurting me, and that it's going to hurt me if I am able to see it all happening in front of me.
Confused enough yet? I'm trying to be vague because I have a new reader! But that was my decision, which was another one that I wanted to trust wouldn't come bite me in the ass. So here it is. MJ and I are friends now. That's the decision that we came to together. I have never been able to be friends with an ex, and I've just gotten the sting of remembering why. I'm a softie. And it's been easier for us to just be friends, and keep each other in our lives, so that we wouldn't have to feel the full on sting of the breakup. And yes, we did break up, it's over, and I can say with 95% certainty that I haven't been hoping for us to get back together. It's just been flat out nice to still be someone else's number one. And that's probably been the issue that we hadn't realized until now. We have still been talking just as much as we did when we were dating... yeah, seriously like all day everyday, we're in touch, and we know what the other person is doing. I was actually at an all day wedding yesterday where my phone didn't get service, and by the end of the night, I felt like I needed to rush home so that I'd be able to talk to her on the phone. I actually felt guilty for not being able to talk to her throughout the day, even though we're not even a couple. So yeah, this isn't ideal, but it's been easy and nice and comfortable.
And then today, I found out that she might have a new love interest. She was very honest with me, she didn't try to hide it. She and I are both on a well known dating online site (which is actually how we met) and she has been emailing a new girl back and forth over this weekend. Ouch, that stings! Why? Well I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we've never really seperated ourselves, and so I haven't had time to prepare for the thought of her maybe talking to someone else. She said that the other girl had given her her number, and that MJ planned on calling her.
So, our predicament. And don't worry kids, I had no issues telling her that it hurts me and that I don't know how to deal with it and all that stuff. And yeah, it's not even anything yet to fret over, they only talked on the phone once tonight. But it's scaring me because of how I'm reacting to this, and if it does turn out to be something more, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. It seems too soon. And I know she doesn't mean for it to be, but it seems hurtful. I think it seems hurtful to me because I'm planning on going up to see her this Thursday, to be there for her and take care of her because she's having surgery, a procedure that's going to be pretty life altering. I want to be there for her. I want her to know that she has me to count on, that I'll always be there for her, but now it just feels like I'm a step in. I don't want to feel this way, and she doesn't want me to feel this way, and she says that she still wants us to be friends and that it shouldn't be a conditional friendship. But it's just hard for me. I'm finding out today that it's just not that easy for me to turn off my feelings like a light switch, and there's been no warning of this coming. We've still pretty much been each other's daily companions, even if it's just been over the phone for 3 weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. It's just pretty shitty timing that this gets all jumbled up right before I want to be there for her in 3 days. I don't want to be there and wonder who she's texting, and I know that that is just how my mind works. I wish I didn't think that way. I wish I didn't have so much jealousy in me. I don't want to be this way, but I hurt and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm just tired of always being the one who gets their feelings hurt. I feel like I strive to do best by others, and I feel that I'm genuinely a good person, and that karma should be making its way back around to me, but it just seems like everything leads to one more dead end. I'm tired of having a reason to tear up, or a reason for me to question if I'm doing what's really best for myself.
I try to live so that if I do enough good and if I care enough about other people, it'll come back around to me. It would just be nice for someone else to put my feelings first. I don't even know what I'm asking for, but it always seems like it's just too much.
I want to be there for her at the end of this week, and I still think I'm going to go. I'd feel guilty for not going, and just get upset with myself. I just wish I knew what to do with all this stuff in my head and heart. I don't even know where to put it, which way to push it or pull it.
I'm not a go with the flow kind of person. It actually makes me crazy to just sit back and watch things happen, I want to be more involved and I feel like it will all blow up in my face if I just say that I'll come back to this later and make a decision. Again, I think I get this from my mother. She is a control freak, a really big one. Like, for real, big time. So I guess I got some of that wonderful little trait from her, yay me. But I really just don't know how to just sit back and let things happen, when I know that it's hurting me, and that it's going to hurt me if I am able to see it all happening in front of me.
Confused enough yet? I'm trying to be vague because I have a new reader! But that was my decision, which was another one that I wanted to trust wouldn't come bite me in the ass. So here it is. MJ and I are friends now. That's the decision that we came to together. I have never been able to be friends with an ex, and I've just gotten the sting of remembering why. I'm a softie. And it's been easier for us to just be friends, and keep each other in our lives, so that we wouldn't have to feel the full on sting of the breakup. And yes, we did break up, it's over, and I can say with 95% certainty that I haven't been hoping for us to get back together. It's just been flat out nice to still be someone else's number one. And that's probably been the issue that we hadn't realized until now. We have still been talking just as much as we did when we were dating... yeah, seriously like all day everyday, we're in touch, and we know what the other person is doing. I was actually at an all day wedding yesterday where my phone didn't get service, and by the end of the night, I felt like I needed to rush home so that I'd be able to talk to her on the phone. I actually felt guilty for not being able to talk to her throughout the day, even though we're not even a couple. So yeah, this isn't ideal, but it's been easy and nice and comfortable.
And then today, I found out that she might have a new love interest. She was very honest with me, she didn't try to hide it. She and I are both on a well known dating online site (which is actually how we met) and she has been emailing a new girl back and forth over this weekend. Ouch, that stings! Why? Well I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we've never really seperated ourselves, and so I haven't had time to prepare for the thought of her maybe talking to someone else. She said that the other girl had given her her number, and that MJ planned on calling her.
So, our predicament. And don't worry kids, I had no issues telling her that it hurts me and that I don't know how to deal with it and all that stuff. And yeah, it's not even anything yet to fret over, they only talked on the phone once tonight. But it's scaring me because of how I'm reacting to this, and if it does turn out to be something more, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. It seems too soon. And I know she doesn't mean for it to be, but it seems hurtful. I think it seems hurtful to me because I'm planning on going up to see her this Thursday, to be there for her and take care of her because she's having surgery, a procedure that's going to be pretty life altering. I want to be there for her. I want her to know that she has me to count on, that I'll always be there for her, but now it just feels like I'm a step in. I don't want to feel this way, and she doesn't want me to feel this way, and she says that she still wants us to be friends and that it shouldn't be a conditional friendship. But it's just hard for me. I'm finding out today that it's just not that easy for me to turn off my feelings like a light switch, and there's been no warning of this coming. We've still pretty much been each other's daily companions, even if it's just been over the phone for 3 weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. It's just pretty shitty timing that this gets all jumbled up right before I want to be there for her in 3 days. I don't want to be there and wonder who she's texting, and I know that that is just how my mind works. I wish I didn't think that way. I wish I didn't have so much jealousy in me. I don't want to be this way, but I hurt and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm just tired of always being the one who gets their feelings hurt. I feel like I strive to do best by others, and I feel that I'm genuinely a good person, and that karma should be making its way back around to me, but it just seems like everything leads to one more dead end. I'm tired of having a reason to tear up, or a reason for me to question if I'm doing what's really best for myself.
I try to live so that if I do enough good and if I care enough about other people, it'll come back around to me. It would just be nice for someone else to put my feelings first. I don't even know what I'm asking for, but it always seems like it's just too much.
I want to be there for her at the end of this week, and I still think I'm going to go. I'd feel guilty for not going, and just get upset with myself. I just wish I knew what to do with all this stuff in my head and heart. I don't even know where to put it, which way to push it or pull it.
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