One of my favorite cousins, Nick, gave me some advice a few months ago, and I remember just feeling sorry for him for even saying it out loud. It was before I met S, which is weird because it feels like it was just yesterday that he and I had this conversation, but it also feels like I've known S for a really long time. In actuality, we've only known each other for about 4 months, maybe a little less, but it's funny how time plays tricks on you. It seems like such a long time. It's rather amazing to me that in less than 4 months, I've fallen in love with someone, have made so many memories with them... enough to make my head spin when looking back on things, and have managed to even come to a crossroads with this same person, all in less than 4 months. It's just weird, and really unbelievable. But back to my original topic...
My cousin, Nick. He's a few years older than me, and he lives up in Maryland, about 4 hours away from me. So we don't see each other that often, and we pretty much never talk (he's still one of those 'losers' that refuses to get a facebook, even though it would make keeping in touch soooooo much easier) unless he's coming down to visit the family. But the last time that I saw him, he was at my dad's house, and we had a family bbq. He's been dating this one girl for a few years, and he's never been that excited about her. The first time I met her was at my uncle's 60th birthday (Nick's father) maybe 2 years ago. It was actually painful to witness them, she was there because she was invited by my aunt (Nick's mother) and Nick was acting annoyed about it. Nick is the life of the party kinda guy, he's a bartender, and he's lots of fun and full of life, but he was being a complete douchbag to this girl, and I was so disappointed over the whole ordeal. She actually gave my sister and me a ride to the condo we were staying in that night after the party, and she was saying that she thought that was the last time she'd be seeing Nick. Well, now, they are living together, and it sounds like neither one of them are ecstatic over it. During this past time that I saw him over this last summer, we were grilling each other about our love lives. He asked me how mine was going, and I was single at the time so I was telling him about that, and some of the crazy dates I've had and such. He jokingly asked if I was still into the poon, and I laughed and nodded. He's quite the comedian... let me tell you. I don't embarrass easily, but he knows how to embarrass anyone. Anyway, I started asking him about K, his girl, and how they were doing. He started immediately talking about how they are living in his dad's condo, thank goodness... because without her and his dad's condo, he'd have to move back home........... needless to say he was basically not saying anything about being with this girl based on love or commitment. I kinda interrupted him, because he was side-stepping my question, and I looked him in his eyes and asked... 'Nick... are you happy?'
As he gets a stupid grin on his face, he blurted out, 'can't you tell?'
He then proceeded to tell me that if I ever have a good relationship, and I end up ending things over something stupid, then it's not worth it to lose out on something that might have been. I assume that he must be looking back on some past relationship of his, missing some girl that he let get away over something that might not have really mattered in the end. Now I can look at this in a few different ways. His advice makes me look at one situation from so many different angles. I remember feeling sorry for him as he said that. He's in this relationship that he's not happy in, but he feels the need to just stay in it, because maybe it's not as bad as it coulda been with someone else who was even more wrong for him. Maybe he thinks that she loves him enough for the both of them. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. Or worst of all, maybe he's staying with her because of his financial issues (he's always been the type who is between jobs.) I would never want to be in his position, feeling stuck, for whatever reason, in a relationship that doesn't make me happy, that lacks passion and love.
But then I look at his advice from a completely different angle, and think about how our generation is becoming too picky. Divorce is such an option that is considered ok now, that there is really no sense of commitment. There is no sense of real commitment anymore. Marriage doesn't mean what it used to... and that makes me sad. Now, if we get upset about one thing or another, breaking up is a real option. Instead of staying in something because you've made the commitment to, and because you really love that person and wanna work past things, you let your pride get in the way and think to yourself 'I don't need them, I am just fine on my own, I can do better, and the grass will be greener.'
As I'm talking about this... I've kinda lost my own train of thought... but I think it comes down to wanting to find real love with someone (which I have, I think, I mean I know I love her...) and then creating a life and sticking to it. I am tired of everything changing just as soon as I think I'm in something special. I think it's just who I am, I'm a commitment type of person. Yes, we both have our reasons of doubt in the relationship, but are any of those real reasons to end it? are any of those reasons that we actually wouldn't work out in the end? Are they really reason to not want to work through things? In my opinion they're not. If you think about the long term, all of this doesn't seem like a big deal, but who knows. I can't make her think like me, and I can't make her feel something. And if we don't think alike, then maybe we aren't meant to be. But only time will tell. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out as it should, but I just don't want 'too much thinking' to get in the way of something that could be great, ya know? Meh.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Nights are the hardest... always.
I don't like not having someone to say goodnight to. I don't like it.
But anyway, we're going to remain friends, which I'm happy about. I don't want to let her go. I think things just kinda blew up in our faces out of nowhere, and it was all so unexpected so it made me that much more dramatic. Things were so calm and peaceful with us, and then boom... explosion. Right in your face. So out of the blue... so not what I expected to happen 2 days after moving here. But I'm gonna be ok.
She told me tonight that she honestly doesn't think that she should even be with anyone right now, and that she thinks she has some things to work out on her own. That made me feel better. I don't want to be left for someone else. I don't want to feel like I'm the lesser of two. And if anything, I'm glad that she told me that just because it tells me that she's really being honest with herself, and with me.
Who knows what will happen in the future... maybe we'll come back together, or maybe we'll just stay friends... but I'm glad I met her. She can't hardly ever get her words out, but she's a genuine person.
meh... I miss... ......
But anyway, we're going to remain friends, which I'm happy about. I don't want to let her go. I think things just kinda blew up in our faces out of nowhere, and it was all so unexpected so it made me that much more dramatic. Things were so calm and peaceful with us, and then boom... explosion. Right in your face. So out of the blue... so not what I expected to happen 2 days after moving here. But I'm gonna be ok.
She told me tonight that she honestly doesn't think that she should even be with anyone right now, and that she thinks she has some things to work out on her own. That made me feel better. I don't want to be left for someone else. I don't want to feel like I'm the lesser of two. And if anything, I'm glad that she told me that just because it tells me that she's really being honest with herself, and with me.
Who knows what will happen in the future... maybe we'll come back together, or maybe we'll just stay friends... but I'm glad I met her. She can't hardly ever get her words out, but she's a genuine person.
meh... I miss... ......
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Okay that's it.
I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I just moved to Richmond! This is my life! Damnit!
SquirtyB is playing the tough love card and tellin me that I need to stop. I do have friends here and I could have none, you're right.
And I texted Joy that I've been here for 4 days and that my gf and I are already probably done. And she said 'well fuck it babe, you got a whole new city to play in!' haha. PERFECT response. Totally made me laugh.. and it's true. I just did this big thing that I've been wanting to do for years, to move away from home. And I should be embracing it, instead of being upset because my start here is a little different than I thought it would be. Joy reminded me that I didn't move here for her, and said that I'm an easy friend maker and talented, and the city is 'mine!' lol. And I talked to my mom this morning, who I hadn't talked to since I moved here. She said really similar things basically, and it helps to hear that same thing from a few different people. It kinda reinforces it in my head. I'm gonna be ok. This isn't what I expected, but I am here now, and I moved here for my fresh start. This life is only what I make it, so I need to MAKE IT!
SquirtyB is playing the tough love card and tellin me that I need to stop. I do have friends here and I could have none, you're right.
And I texted Joy that I've been here for 4 days and that my gf and I are already probably done. And she said 'well fuck it babe, you got a whole new city to play in!' haha. PERFECT response. Totally made me laugh.. and it's true. I just did this big thing that I've been wanting to do for years, to move away from home. And I should be embracing it, instead of being upset because my start here is a little different than I thought it would be. Joy reminded me that I didn't move here for her, and said that I'm an easy friend maker and talented, and the city is 'mine!' lol. And I talked to my mom this morning, who I hadn't talked to since I moved here. She said really similar things basically, and it helps to hear that same thing from a few different people. It kinda reinforces it in my head. I'm gonna be ok. This isn't what I expected, but I am here now, and I moved here for my fresh start. This life is only what I make it, so I need to MAKE IT!
Don't believe what you hear.
Ok so I'm all moved up to Richmond. Made the move last weekend, and since then I feel like my world has turned upside down. And I feel like it's getting too heavy for me to be able to carry and deal with. I'm literally sitting here actually so lost and hurt that I can't even figure out which way is up. I feel like it's hard to breathe.
A couple days ago S's ex emailed her... which in return made S tell me that she's not over her ex. At first I thought that it was because it was an unexpected email since they hadn't talked in 2 1/2 years, so it must have thrown her for a loop. But last night, I found out that she has always known that she hasn't been over her, and there apparently have been times that she's wanted to tell me that, and now she can't hide it anymore. I've been in Richmond for 3 days.
Now I'm a very understanding person, and I also know that I would want someone to genuinely want to be with me, so we said that i'd give her time to figure out what she wants to do and where her head is. But that was before I knew that it was something that was already on her mind.
My head is spinning right now... it's difficult just to formulate a thought.
Anyway, I went over to her house last night so we could talk some more. I actually thought that I had a fighting chance, because I was comparing her story to the story of my ex Joy... and how she and I broke up and got back together quite a few times. It wouldn't matter if I was with someone or not, as soon as she came back around, I was hooked, but it was always so pointless and it wasted so much time. So I was explaining that to S, telling her that she and her ex had already tried things twice and that there were reasons that it didn't work out. And that it's understandable that because her ex had suddenly made this surprise entrance back into her world, that it didn't have to mean that everything was going to fall apart.
Seriously... I can't even get through writing one paragraph without my head just spinning. I can't believe that I thought I was going to her house to comfort her and to try to smooth things over, only to find out that maybe we didn't have what I thought we did. After my entire speech about how her ex doens't have to ruin everything, I ask her if she thinks that we are missing anything. As far as I knew we werent. I asked her this because I wanted to know if her ex hadnt shown up, would there really be any reason for us to worry. I had to hear her seperate the conflict in her mind, seperate what we have from her feelings about her ex. She said no, at first. I told her that if there is something missing, that this is the time to tell me, because we're getting everything out now, and we need to be completely honest. Then I see her body shift. Ok, she has something to tell me. I'm thinking, whatever it is, it must be something small because we've been so happy together, and whatever it is, we'll be able to just work on it together. At this point, I'm not worried to hear what she has to say. And then she drops a bomb on me. And it's just sitting there between us and I'm scared to move. She tells me that she has been struggling with the fact that during the weekends that we've spent together (which were usually 3 and 4 days together), by the 3rd or 4th day, she was ready for me to leave.
I also found out that she had a pretty lenghty conversation with the ex the day before, and she said that she couldn't bring herself to tell the ex that she was dating someone. I had thought previously that they had had a quick conversation, and that she basically didn't have the time to tell her. But she did have the time, they talked for at least an hour she said. And she said that shouldn't have been so hard for her to tell her ex.
So I have two strikes against me in 2 days. She can't be around me for very long without actually neeeding her alone time, and she has never gotten over her ex who just suddenly appeared in her world again. We're supposed to be taking time to just think things over before we make any decisions to end things, a few days or something. But I just don't really see where I have a choice in the matter. I think her mind is made up, she's just not ready to say it yet.
I know that I was originally not moving to Richmond because of her, but she became such a big part of it. She became the biggest part of what I thought my happiness would be here. And 4 days into the big move, I'm losing her. I feel like my security is being ripped out from under me. This is all just so unexpected. I just keep thinking back to how happy I thought we were. And we were really so happy. I guess in the grand scheme of things, we weren't even together that long, but man I had just never felt so safe and connected to someone, ever.
She has said that she's scared of losing me, that she doesn't want me to ever go away. But I don't know how I'm supposed to stick around while she rekindles things with her ex. I just feel like everything is just one more jab through the heart. I'll be thinking about one thing, and then my mind shifts to another part of the hurt and I lose my breath again. It's all just so in my face right now that I don't know how to escape it. I'm in a foreign place that doesn't feel like home yet, and I've lost the person that was supposed to make this move easier on me. I was always excited about moving, but I was also always terrified, and I put my strength in her. I just feel like this is another lesson in learning that you really can't trust anyone except yourself. And I'm surrounded by happy couples here. My roommates are so madly in love. I'm absolutely terrified of New Years coming up. I was so looking foward to being with her for all of that, and then her birthday is 4 days later, and I was just so excited about all of that.
What the fuck do I do now? I feel like I'm being tested to see how strong I am, and it's funny because SquirtyB just said the same thing to me, that she thinks I'm being tested to show myself that I can do it on my own. But I'm tired of being tested. Yes, I know that life will go on and I'll be fine at some point, and I'll make new friends here and build a life for myself here, and even learn to enjoy myself here. But I'm tired of being tested. I'm tired of having to tell myself that 'life will go on, I don't need them.' All I want is to find my partner. That's all I've ever wanted. I want that feeling of belonging to someone else. I already know that I can do things on my own, that's never been a question. I'm more used to doing things on my own than with someone else. I just feel like I'm such a good person and I try so hard to do things right, and I really did think that I'd found something special this time. And when you connect with someone... your whole being connects with them, including your strength and identity. So now I'm going to feel the weight of losing part of myself as we break apart, and I have to find the strength to just stand on my own again, and find the strength to deal with this whole move and finding myself here, all at once.
She said last night that she can't change that something bothers her, she can't change that she still has feelings for someone else, and she can't change that she still loves me. It's just the way it is, and it's making her feel crazy. I don't know. Maybe time will tell how this all plays out... but it really fucking hurts right now.
A couple days ago S's ex emailed her... which in return made S tell me that she's not over her ex. At first I thought that it was because it was an unexpected email since they hadn't talked in 2 1/2 years, so it must have thrown her for a loop. But last night, I found out that she has always known that she hasn't been over her, and there apparently have been times that she's wanted to tell me that, and now she can't hide it anymore. I've been in Richmond for 3 days.
Now I'm a very understanding person, and I also know that I would want someone to genuinely want to be with me, so we said that i'd give her time to figure out what she wants to do and where her head is. But that was before I knew that it was something that was already on her mind.
My head is spinning right now... it's difficult just to formulate a thought.
Anyway, I went over to her house last night so we could talk some more. I actually thought that I had a fighting chance, because I was comparing her story to the story of my ex Joy... and how she and I broke up and got back together quite a few times. It wouldn't matter if I was with someone or not, as soon as she came back around, I was hooked, but it was always so pointless and it wasted so much time. So I was explaining that to S, telling her that she and her ex had already tried things twice and that there were reasons that it didn't work out. And that it's understandable that because her ex had suddenly made this surprise entrance back into her world, that it didn't have to mean that everything was going to fall apart.
Seriously... I can't even get through writing one paragraph without my head just spinning. I can't believe that I thought I was going to her house to comfort her and to try to smooth things over, only to find out that maybe we didn't have what I thought we did. After my entire speech about how her ex doens't have to ruin everything, I ask her if she thinks that we are missing anything. As far as I knew we werent. I asked her this because I wanted to know if her ex hadnt shown up, would there really be any reason for us to worry. I had to hear her seperate the conflict in her mind, seperate what we have from her feelings about her ex. She said no, at first. I told her that if there is something missing, that this is the time to tell me, because we're getting everything out now, and we need to be completely honest. Then I see her body shift. Ok, she has something to tell me. I'm thinking, whatever it is, it must be something small because we've been so happy together, and whatever it is, we'll be able to just work on it together. At this point, I'm not worried to hear what she has to say. And then she drops a bomb on me. And it's just sitting there between us and I'm scared to move. She tells me that she has been struggling with the fact that during the weekends that we've spent together (which were usually 3 and 4 days together), by the 3rd or 4th day, she was ready for me to leave.
I also found out that she had a pretty lenghty conversation with the ex the day before, and she said that she couldn't bring herself to tell the ex that she was dating someone. I had thought previously that they had had a quick conversation, and that she basically didn't have the time to tell her. But she did have the time, they talked for at least an hour she said. And she said that shouldn't have been so hard for her to tell her ex.
So I have two strikes against me in 2 days. She can't be around me for very long without actually neeeding her alone time, and she has never gotten over her ex who just suddenly appeared in her world again. We're supposed to be taking time to just think things over before we make any decisions to end things, a few days or something. But I just don't really see where I have a choice in the matter. I think her mind is made up, she's just not ready to say it yet.
I know that I was originally not moving to Richmond because of her, but she became such a big part of it. She became the biggest part of what I thought my happiness would be here. And 4 days into the big move, I'm losing her. I feel like my security is being ripped out from under me. This is all just so unexpected. I just keep thinking back to how happy I thought we were. And we were really so happy. I guess in the grand scheme of things, we weren't even together that long, but man I had just never felt so safe and connected to someone, ever.
She has said that she's scared of losing me, that she doesn't want me to ever go away. But I don't know how I'm supposed to stick around while she rekindles things with her ex. I just feel like everything is just one more jab through the heart. I'll be thinking about one thing, and then my mind shifts to another part of the hurt and I lose my breath again. It's all just so in my face right now that I don't know how to escape it. I'm in a foreign place that doesn't feel like home yet, and I've lost the person that was supposed to make this move easier on me. I was always excited about moving, but I was also always terrified, and I put my strength in her. I just feel like this is another lesson in learning that you really can't trust anyone except yourself. And I'm surrounded by happy couples here. My roommates are so madly in love. I'm absolutely terrified of New Years coming up. I was so looking foward to being with her for all of that, and then her birthday is 4 days later, and I was just so excited about all of that.
What the fuck do I do now? I feel like I'm being tested to see how strong I am, and it's funny because SquirtyB just said the same thing to me, that she thinks I'm being tested to show myself that I can do it on my own. But I'm tired of being tested. Yes, I know that life will go on and I'll be fine at some point, and I'll make new friends here and build a life for myself here, and even learn to enjoy myself here. But I'm tired of being tested. I'm tired of having to tell myself that 'life will go on, I don't need them.' All I want is to find my partner. That's all I've ever wanted. I want that feeling of belonging to someone else. I already know that I can do things on my own, that's never been a question. I'm more used to doing things on my own than with someone else. I just feel like I'm such a good person and I try so hard to do things right, and I really did think that I'd found something special this time. And when you connect with someone... your whole being connects with them, including your strength and identity. So now I'm going to feel the weight of losing part of myself as we break apart, and I have to find the strength to just stand on my own again, and find the strength to deal with this whole move and finding myself here, all at once.
She said last night that she can't change that something bothers her, she can't change that she still has feelings for someone else, and she can't change that she still loves me. It's just the way it is, and it's making her feel crazy. I don't know. Maybe time will tell how this all plays out... but it really fucking hurts right now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
On my way :).
Well I know it's been a while... but I just really havent felt like writing in a bit. It's funny... cuz when things happen, I always think about how I'll want to write about it, but then when I sit down, I never feel like writing. I've actually been thinking a lot more about starting to write a book. I want a write a book about all of my bad dates... kinda like short story/chelsea handler style. I wanna ask others to also add their stories too, if they think they have a date in their past that is worth writing about... because it was soooo bad! (I have oodles of them. It's ridiculous!) But anyway... I think it would be fun to really share my stories. Some of them (well one in particular) is kinda graphic.. and I wanna put the story in there cuz it is hilarious, but I'm not sure that I should. S has said that she'll help me edit the book... so maybe I'll see what she thinks.
Anyway... the big update: I'm moving to Richmond this weekend! I've been packing up my stuff... and I'm just about ready to go. I got offered a job, and found some really great roommates all in one weekend about 3 weeks ago. Since then, I'm still really excited about the roommates, who are a lesbian couple, plus one other lesbian; but ive been having second thoughts about the salon. Luckily I had another salon call me so I had a phone interview today with the owner, and I think this might be a better fit for me. I'm meetin with her in person on Friday, and I'll make my decision after that. But wow... moving to Richmond in 3 days! It, for serious, just still doesnt seem real. I'm looking foward to getting there, and then fastfowarding like a week, so then I can feel more settled... and hopefully it'll start to feel like home. I'm totally stoked... I'm so excited that I made this decision and that I'm following through with it. This is the perfect ending to this year! I found a path that I wanted to take, and I'm taking it. I found love, and she's wonderful and adorable. I'm so happy for this fresh start to my life... and I can't wait until it all feels real. :)
Anyway... the big update: I'm moving to Richmond this weekend! I've been packing up my stuff... and I'm just about ready to go. I got offered a job, and found some really great roommates all in one weekend about 3 weeks ago. Since then, I'm still really excited about the roommates, who are a lesbian couple, plus one other lesbian; but ive been having second thoughts about the salon. Luckily I had another salon call me so I had a phone interview today with the owner, and I think this might be a better fit for me. I'm meetin with her in person on Friday, and I'll make my decision after that. But wow... moving to Richmond in 3 days! It, for serious, just still doesnt seem real. I'm looking foward to getting there, and then fastfowarding like a week, so then I can feel more settled... and hopefully it'll start to feel like home. I'm totally stoked... I'm so excited that I made this decision and that I'm following through with it. This is the perfect ending to this year! I found a path that I wanted to take, and I'm taking it. I found love, and she's wonderful and adorable. I'm so happy for this fresh start to my life... and I can't wait until it all feels real. :)
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