I actually saw this one Tanya's page and so I'll give her the credit for posting it, but you all just have to see this, hear this. It made me tear up and laugh my ass off. Make sure my playlist on here is on pause before you start it!
Now, wasn't that just precious?? <3
Showing posts with label lesbian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lesbian. Show all posts
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Our Lesbian Journeys: The Path to Finding Ourselves
Fetsiboomsticks at Flying Shortbread invited me to write a post for her blog, and may I just say, I was so flattered! I have never been asked to be a guest writer in someone's blog, and maybe I'm being dramatic, but it's an honor. :-) So here's my story for her, and a thanks.
This is something that has just really been made painfully aware to me recently, and makes me feel very thankful for how far we've come. Yes, we still have quite a journey ahead, but hey, at least we're moving in the right direction.
I have a friend, T. T is 47 years old, and I have been doing her hair for about 2 years (I'm a hairstylist). I have recently gone into business for myself, and left the salon where I was working, and am now going to my client's homes to do their hair. You wouldn't believe how many of my clients have COMPLETELY opened up to me about their lives since I have started seeing them at home, and T is definitely one of them. When I first met T, back while I was working in the salon, I knew instantly that she was a lesbian (let's face it ladies, sometimes it's just unmistakeable hehe). So, it was quite confusing to me whenever she'd talk about her husband. I honestly would think to myself that maybe she was uncomfortable with speaking freely about her 'wife', so maybe she just pretended to be straight in public or something. I wanted to come out to her so many times, thinking that maybe she'd be more comfortable with me if she knew (no one can ever tell that I'm gay just by looking at me, everytime I come out to someone new, I get a pause... and then a 'reeeeallllyyyy??????'), but there was never exactly a good time to say "Hey T, I'm gay, so what are we doing with your hair today?" :-) I met her two children shortly after meeting her, she brought them in for hairdos as well, one daughter who is 16ish, and a son who is 14ish. About a year into doing their hair, the husband was the one to bring in the kids for hairdos, and I was literally shocked to see him. For a year, I honestly thought that this man didn't exist.
It was right around the time that I had decided to leave the salon and go into business for myself, that I had also joined a Meetup Group for gay women in my area. Guess who was a member? Yeah... T. When she saw that I had joined, it took her a few days, but she actually called me and came out to me over the phone. She said that it was difficult for her to talk about it, but that she was going through a divorce and and this was all new to her. I let her know that she could talk to me about anything and that she could feel comfortable with me. The next time I saw her, she unloaded. She told me that she is nearing the end of the divorce with her husband, and that she feels like a completely new and different person. She and her husband had been married for over 20 years... and for the most part, she felt that she only stayed in that relationship because she thought she had to. She never, in her wildest dreams, thought that she could make the choice to find herself. T grew up in a very small town, where the word 'gay' was as bad as a curse word. She always knew that she was attracted to women, connected with them on such a deeper level than with men, but she never let herself even realize what was behind it. It was never an option. She said that one of her sorority sisters in college came out to her in a letter, and that she literally felt sick to her stomach when she read it. It was that bad. So, she married a man because she thought that was just what she was supposed to do. Her husband turned into an asshole over the years, and kept her pinned down into this box of what he thought a wife should be. Over 20 years later, she finally came to her breaking point. She didn't know what she was going to do. The fear that came over her, when she realized that she had been living a lie, was so overwhelming that she even considered ending it all. I'm so thankful to say that she is now a very close friend of mine, and I'm so proud of how she has turned her life around. She's an inspiration to me, and I always get excited when I know I'm going to go see her. We can't help but talk about her journey, and how she's finally realizing, at the age of 47, who she is. She's come out to her ex husband, her kids, her friends, and has fallen in love with a woman, the first real love of her life. Their relationship was short-lived, but it didn't matter, because she was finally able to feel what it felt like to matter, what it felt like to be true to herself, and best of all, what it felt like to truly love.
What is so amazing about our friendship, is that our journeys are so unbelieveably different. I'll be 26 years old next week, and I have truly never felt the pain of not knowing who I am, like she has. Comparing our journeys is something that is talked about continuously everytime we see each other. For me, I was never forced to hide who I was, I never even felt like it wasn't just completely ok to go ahead and figure it out. It did take me some time to figure it out, I ended up going back and forth between men and woman for a couple of years before I realized that nothing excited me more than the touch, smell, taste, mind, and just simple presence of a woman, but I was always free to do the searching. T is always in complete awe when she asks me questions about my past, and how easily I came out to people (once I knew myself). She threw her arms up and exclaimed with a smile 'oh my god!!!' when I told her the story of how I came out to my father when I was 21 by telling him that the last 'friend' that I had introduced him to had been my girlfriend, and how he gave me the famous *pause*, tilt of the head, and "really???"... and then said "well damn Kelly, she was hot!!!" (thanks dad, I know! haha). The truth is, I never really gave anyone in my life the option to not be ok with it, and thankfully, I have always been surrounded by nothing but supportive people who have never wanted to question my sexuality. But that does have a lot to do with the times, and I am so thankful that we are progressing. I can't imagine growing up back then (even though the music was a million times better, I'm a classic rockaholic hehe) and feeling so stifled that I didn't even have the freedom to know me. For that, I'm truly thankful. We still have a long road ahead, but like I said, look how far we've come!!
This is something that has just really been made painfully aware to me recently, and makes me feel very thankful for how far we've come. Yes, we still have quite a journey ahead, but hey, at least we're moving in the right direction.
I have a friend, T. T is 47 years old, and I have been doing her hair for about 2 years (I'm a hairstylist). I have recently gone into business for myself, and left the salon where I was working, and am now going to my client's homes to do their hair. You wouldn't believe how many of my clients have COMPLETELY opened up to me about their lives since I have started seeing them at home, and T is definitely one of them. When I first met T, back while I was working in the salon, I knew instantly that she was a lesbian (let's face it ladies, sometimes it's just unmistakeable hehe). So, it was quite confusing to me whenever she'd talk about her husband. I honestly would think to myself that maybe she was uncomfortable with speaking freely about her 'wife', so maybe she just pretended to be straight in public or something. I wanted to come out to her so many times, thinking that maybe she'd be more comfortable with me if she knew (no one can ever tell that I'm gay just by looking at me, everytime I come out to someone new, I get a pause... and then a 'reeeeallllyyyy??????'), but there was never exactly a good time to say "Hey T, I'm gay, so what are we doing with your hair today?" :-) I met her two children shortly after meeting her, she brought them in for hairdos as well, one daughter who is 16ish, and a son who is 14ish. About a year into doing their hair, the husband was the one to bring in the kids for hairdos, and I was literally shocked to see him. For a year, I honestly thought that this man didn't exist.
It was right around the time that I had decided to leave the salon and go into business for myself, that I had also joined a Meetup Group for gay women in my area. Guess who was a member? Yeah... T. When she saw that I had joined, it took her a few days, but she actually called me and came out to me over the phone. She said that it was difficult for her to talk about it, but that she was going through a divorce and and this was all new to her. I let her know that she could talk to me about anything and that she could feel comfortable with me. The next time I saw her, she unloaded. She told me that she is nearing the end of the divorce with her husband, and that she feels like a completely new and different person. She and her husband had been married for over 20 years... and for the most part, she felt that she only stayed in that relationship because she thought she had to. She never, in her wildest dreams, thought that she could make the choice to find herself. T grew up in a very small town, where the word 'gay' was as bad as a curse word. She always knew that she was attracted to women, connected with them on such a deeper level than with men, but she never let herself even realize what was behind it. It was never an option. She said that one of her sorority sisters in college came out to her in a letter, and that she literally felt sick to her stomach when she read it. It was that bad. So, she married a man because she thought that was just what she was supposed to do. Her husband turned into an asshole over the years, and kept her pinned down into this box of what he thought a wife should be. Over 20 years later, she finally came to her breaking point. She didn't know what she was going to do. The fear that came over her, when she realized that she had been living a lie, was so overwhelming that she even considered ending it all. I'm so thankful to say that she is now a very close friend of mine, and I'm so proud of how she has turned her life around. She's an inspiration to me, and I always get excited when I know I'm going to go see her. We can't help but talk about her journey, and how she's finally realizing, at the age of 47, who she is. She's come out to her ex husband, her kids, her friends, and has fallen in love with a woman, the first real love of her life. Their relationship was short-lived, but it didn't matter, because she was finally able to feel what it felt like to matter, what it felt like to be true to herself, and best of all, what it felt like to truly love.
What is so amazing about our friendship, is that our journeys are so unbelieveably different. I'll be 26 years old next week, and I have truly never felt the pain of not knowing who I am, like she has. Comparing our journeys is something that is talked about continuously everytime we see each other. For me, I was never forced to hide who I was, I never even felt like it wasn't just completely ok to go ahead and figure it out. It did take me some time to figure it out, I ended up going back and forth between men and woman for a couple of years before I realized that nothing excited me more than the touch, smell, taste, mind, and just simple presence of a woman, but I was always free to do the searching. T is always in complete awe when she asks me questions about my past, and how easily I came out to people (once I knew myself). She threw her arms up and exclaimed with a smile 'oh my god!!!' when I told her the story of how I came out to my father when I was 21 by telling him that the last 'friend' that I had introduced him to had been my girlfriend, and how he gave me the famous *pause*, tilt of the head, and "really???"... and then said "well damn Kelly, she was hot!!!" (thanks dad, I know! haha). The truth is, I never really gave anyone in my life the option to not be ok with it, and thankfully, I have always been surrounded by nothing but supportive people who have never wanted to question my sexuality. But that does have a lot to do with the times, and I am so thankful that we are progressing. I can't imagine growing up back then (even though the music was a million times better, I'm a classic rockaholic hehe) and feeling so stifled that I didn't even have the freedom to know me. For that, I'm truly thankful. We still have a long road ahead, but like I said, look how far we've come!!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
lost... hmmm.
I feel like I'm in a hole lately. I feel lost and I don't really know how to find my way back to myself. This so isn't like me, I'm usually a happy bubbly person, but there are just so many things that aren't going my way right now and I feel like I'm sinking. And then when I actually see myself write these words, it makes me feel selfish for all the other people that are going through things far worse than I am. I feel low just because I'm complaining. Lol... what a pickle!
I did something stupid last night. I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday. Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her. This scenario still hurts me. I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me. I just don't feel like I deserved it. I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?
So anyway. About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook. This completely surprised me. They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will. They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me. Everything about us was just a big lie. And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work. Well, it didn't. But anyway... those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me. I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her. She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me. She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all. I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog. She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does. But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me.
Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now. I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures. Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey. There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined. Ok, that's fine. After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible. But why is it so easy for her to find someone? She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me. She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose. It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness.
So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her. Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning. It seemed so real. In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times. She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work. She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with. We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl. No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds. But anyway, that was it. That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream. We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being. Lord I'm rambling I know.
My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me. That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great. I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.
I did something stupid last night. I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday. Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her. This scenario still hurts me. I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me. I just don't feel like I deserved it. I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?
So anyway. About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook. This completely surprised me. They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will. They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me. Everything about us was just a big lie. And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work. Well, it didn't. But anyway... those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me. I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her. She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me. She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all. I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog. She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does. But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me.
Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now. I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures. Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey. There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined. Ok, that's fine. After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible. But why is it so easy for her to find someone? She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me. She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose. It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness.
So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her. Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning. It seemed so real. In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times. She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work. She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with. We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl. No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds. But anyway, that was it. That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream. We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being. Lord I'm rambling I know.
My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me. That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great. I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.
ooooooooh me...
Well that was fun. I've just closed up shop on another crazy girl. I swear I can only attract girls with severe issues, and I have no idea why. I'm a relatively normal girl, just looking for a nice girl to build something lasting with, and yet I somehow always get stuck with people who are so completely wrong for me, or people who have the worst issues I could even imagine. Why me, I ask?
So this one's name was Ash. Actually, let me start with a little about me. For those of you who don't know me personally, if I had to put some kind of label on myself, I'm fall more into the femme category. I do my makeup, do my hair, love wearing big flowy dresses, and love feeling like a woman in all my glory. That being said, for the most part in my past, I have been attracted to other femme girls. Not exclusively, I'm not one to limit myself to any one stereotype at all, but that's just kinda how it's always happened, with dating anyway. Actually, my major ex was actually a little tomboyish when we started dating, but per her requests, I ended up making her over with a new, more stylish hairdo, taught her how to do her makeup, and she actually started wearing girl clothes more and more. I didn't ask her to do this, I think it was just in her all along, and for some reason I brought it out in her. Her personality was still definitely the more 'studdish' one, but you'd never know it by looking at her after we'd been together for a bit. But this is a whole 'nother story. Back to Ash.
Ash is in denial. She's a butch. No question about it. She wears boy clothes (baggy boy clothes), wears cologne, has a shaved head, all that jazz, but she thinks that because she wears mascara and eyeliner, that no one should ever question if she's butch or not, and despises the term butch. Ok, whatever. That's her thing. Moving on, we'd started talking about 2, maybe 3 weeks ago. She always seemed like she was out to impress me, but in an overbearing way. She talked about her clothing a lot, about how she'd only shop at PacSun, about how she had a ton of different shoes, with different colors to match every outfit, and how she'd throw a pair of shoes away if they got one scuff mark on them. Me, I'm the opposite. I never iron my clothes. I keep wearing my clothes until they fall apart. I never plan out outfits, don't worry about if my shoes really truly match my clothes, with the exception of black versus brown. I had to literally tell her that I didn't care to hear about it, I mean, not in a mean way at all, but I ended up just smiling and knodding a lot, and sometimes would even giggle because of how ridiculous I found it all to be. Not that I find matching ridiculous, but when you have to explain every single outfit you're wearing to me in great detail, it's gonna get old. Plus I could care less where you get your clothes, and as for me, I would rather wear something without a label, I'm certainly not getting paid to wear a company's clothes. It's free advertising, and I'm not a corporate kinda gal. Sorry, I keep getting off track.
Next, she had hung out with my friends and me a few times. My friends and I are all really close, and they've become somewhat protective over me after seeing some of the whack jobs I've brought home lol. So naturally, and this is more talking about my best friend Jamie than anyone else, but she likes to 'grill' the fresh meat. I let her have her space when she's doing this, cuz I know there's no way around it, and to be honest I wanna kinda see how they react to it. You can tell a lot about someone in regards to how they act around your friends. Well, she pretty much failed the test. She ended up getting pissy, got confrontational with my friends, and came to me later saying 'I think your friend is trying to hit on me and this is bullshit." Um... ok. wow. My friend is straight, lives with her boyfriend (who was there all night as well), and it was just ridiculous. But me being the nice person who always wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, sugar coated it and told myself that she was just stressed about meeting everyone and feeling like she was on the chopping block. Why can't I just ever trust my gut instincts in the beginning? They haven't failed me yet in the end.
And then! ok so she had this neighbor that she used to hang out with a lot. I never met the guy but she had talked about how she would go and smoke ciggs on the front porch with him pretty much every night. She later told me that she didn't like to hang out with him too much anymore after finding out that he smokes crack. Great! I was on the phone with her one time while she was outside smoking with him, and I heard him ask if I had any single friends. She just laughed it off and said no. Just yesterday, she was getting ready to come visit me and we were talking on the phone about what we wanted to do when she got out here. She then told me that she wanted to introduce her crack smoking neighbor to my friend C, who happened to be the only single girl friend of mine that she'd met. She said, "I think he'll like her a lot." Wait, Im sorry, did you just suggest that you hook up my friend, who happens to be in the military, a single mother of two small children, got her shit together no bullshit kinda girl, to your crack smoking neighbor who just asked you for money not two days ago? Guess what ladies and gents, when I said absolutely not, she started in on me for being 'judgemental.' Yeah, I'm not kidding. Are you fucking serious?????
She told me she'd talk to me later, and I said don't bother, there'd be nothing to talk about. Ten minutes later, she's sorry, she's calmed down and thought about it and realizes how right I am. Yeah, I know, big red flags already I KNOW. but, she ends up coming over last night anyway. I've been sick with the flu for 3 days, so she wanted to come see me. Ok, she gets here, and not even 10 minutes later, she asks me to rub her back. I'm a nice girl, very attentive to my partner (not that she was my partner yet, but I'm just saying) and always looking to please others, so I did it. For a good 30 minutes I gave her an amazing back rub, but wait a minute, aren't I the sick one here? Aren't I the one that should be pampered? Yeah, you'd think.
We later layed down to go to bed, she had fallen asleep on the couch so I woke her up to go to bed with me. She apparently doesn't like to be woken up, and got pissed off at me and said 'why didn't you just leave me on the couch? I hate being woken up!' lol... wow. I'm sorry, in my crazy twisted mind I thought she would have wanted me to, to go to bed with me. We get in bed, she turns away from me, and then commands me to move closer to her, even though she was the one who moved away. wtf. I said no. She said why not. I said you're being a bitch. Well damn, I've never seen that girl move that fast. She whipped the covers off so fast, jumped outta bed, put her shoes on, and yelled at me that she didn't have time for this shit, she's been through this shit before, and nobody, and she means NOBODY calls her a bitch. She then stood in my doorway with her back to me, as if she were waiting for me to crumple and go after her. I didn't move a muscle. I let her walk out. I even laughed a bit when I heard the door slam. I texted her to not call me again, and that enough was enough. What a psycho.
I'm not even sure if this all accurately displays why she's so crazy. Oh there was another thing I found out last night. She's a felon apparently. Assault charges from her ex's sister. Yeah, she actually got into a physical fight with her ex's little sister.
she texted me today that she bets I'm not even a lesbian. What the hell? Because you're crazy, that puts my sexuality in question? And what a stupid thing to accuse someone of. I mean for real. Who the fuck cares. Again, I don't like to put a label on myself, but as far as she was concerned, I was giving her a fair shot to date me exclusively. It's just so stupid to me that lesbians sometimes get offended over someone not living up to a title. I'm definitely not saying all of them, or us, or whoever, but do you know what I mean? I love people for who they are, not their sexuality. I mean isn't that what we're fighting for? Acceptance no matter what? Lol... sorry, again, getting sidetracked.
I just don't understand why it seems to be so hard to find someone that I'm compatible with. I make friends so easily, why is it so hard to find someone worth dating? I just want someone nice and caring, and possibly someone who doesn't have to pop 4 xanex to get through a day. Too much to ask? I hope not.
So this one's name was Ash. Actually, let me start with a little about me. For those of you who don't know me personally, if I had to put some kind of label on myself, I'm fall more into the femme category. I do my makeup, do my hair, love wearing big flowy dresses, and love feeling like a woman in all my glory. That being said, for the most part in my past, I have been attracted to other femme girls. Not exclusively, I'm not one to limit myself to any one stereotype at all, but that's just kinda how it's always happened, with dating anyway. Actually, my major ex was actually a little tomboyish when we started dating, but per her requests, I ended up making her over with a new, more stylish hairdo, taught her how to do her makeup, and she actually started wearing girl clothes more and more. I didn't ask her to do this, I think it was just in her all along, and for some reason I brought it out in her. Her personality was still definitely the more 'studdish' one, but you'd never know it by looking at her after we'd been together for a bit. But this is a whole 'nother story. Back to Ash.
Ash is in denial. She's a butch. No question about it. She wears boy clothes (baggy boy clothes), wears cologne, has a shaved head, all that jazz, but she thinks that because she wears mascara and eyeliner, that no one should ever question if she's butch or not, and despises the term butch. Ok, whatever. That's her thing. Moving on, we'd started talking about 2, maybe 3 weeks ago. She always seemed like she was out to impress me, but in an overbearing way. She talked about her clothing a lot, about how she'd only shop at PacSun, about how she had a ton of different shoes, with different colors to match every outfit, and how she'd throw a pair of shoes away if they got one scuff mark on them. Me, I'm the opposite. I never iron my clothes. I keep wearing my clothes until they fall apart. I never plan out outfits, don't worry about if my shoes really truly match my clothes, with the exception of black versus brown. I had to literally tell her that I didn't care to hear about it, I mean, not in a mean way at all, but I ended up just smiling and knodding a lot, and sometimes would even giggle because of how ridiculous I found it all to be. Not that I find matching ridiculous, but when you have to explain every single outfit you're wearing to me in great detail, it's gonna get old. Plus I could care less where you get your clothes, and as for me, I would rather wear something without a label, I'm certainly not getting paid to wear a company's clothes. It's free advertising, and I'm not a corporate kinda gal. Sorry, I keep getting off track.
Next, she had hung out with my friends and me a few times. My friends and I are all really close, and they've become somewhat protective over me after seeing some of the whack jobs I've brought home lol. So naturally, and this is more talking about my best friend Jamie than anyone else, but she likes to 'grill' the fresh meat. I let her have her space when she's doing this, cuz I know there's no way around it, and to be honest I wanna kinda see how they react to it. You can tell a lot about someone in regards to how they act around your friends. Well, she pretty much failed the test. She ended up getting pissy, got confrontational with my friends, and came to me later saying 'I think your friend is trying to hit on me and this is bullshit." Um... ok. wow. My friend is straight, lives with her boyfriend (who was there all night as well), and it was just ridiculous. But me being the nice person who always wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, sugar coated it and told myself that she was just stressed about meeting everyone and feeling like she was on the chopping block. Why can't I just ever trust my gut instincts in the beginning? They haven't failed me yet in the end.
And then! ok so she had this neighbor that she used to hang out with a lot. I never met the guy but she had talked about how she would go and smoke ciggs on the front porch with him pretty much every night. She later told me that she didn't like to hang out with him too much anymore after finding out that he smokes crack. Great! I was on the phone with her one time while she was outside smoking with him, and I heard him ask if I had any single friends. She just laughed it off and said no. Just yesterday, she was getting ready to come visit me and we were talking on the phone about what we wanted to do when she got out here. She then told me that she wanted to introduce her crack smoking neighbor to my friend C, who happened to be the only single girl friend of mine that she'd met. She said, "I think he'll like her a lot." Wait, Im sorry, did you just suggest that you hook up my friend, who happens to be in the military, a single mother of two small children, got her shit together no bullshit kinda girl, to your crack smoking neighbor who just asked you for money not two days ago? Guess what ladies and gents, when I said absolutely not, she started in on me for being 'judgemental.' Yeah, I'm not kidding. Are you fucking serious?????
She told me she'd talk to me later, and I said don't bother, there'd be nothing to talk about. Ten minutes later, she's sorry, she's calmed down and thought about it and realizes how right I am. Yeah, I know, big red flags already I KNOW. but, she ends up coming over last night anyway. I've been sick with the flu for 3 days, so she wanted to come see me. Ok, she gets here, and not even 10 minutes later, she asks me to rub her back. I'm a nice girl, very attentive to my partner (not that she was my partner yet, but I'm just saying) and always looking to please others, so I did it. For a good 30 minutes I gave her an amazing back rub, but wait a minute, aren't I the sick one here? Aren't I the one that should be pampered? Yeah, you'd think.
We later layed down to go to bed, she had fallen asleep on the couch so I woke her up to go to bed with me. She apparently doesn't like to be woken up, and got pissed off at me and said 'why didn't you just leave me on the couch? I hate being woken up!' lol... wow. I'm sorry, in my crazy twisted mind I thought she would have wanted me to, to go to bed with me. We get in bed, she turns away from me, and then commands me to move closer to her, even though she was the one who moved away. wtf. I said no. She said why not. I said you're being a bitch. Well damn, I've never seen that girl move that fast. She whipped the covers off so fast, jumped outta bed, put her shoes on, and yelled at me that she didn't have time for this shit, she's been through this shit before, and nobody, and she means NOBODY calls her a bitch. She then stood in my doorway with her back to me, as if she were waiting for me to crumple and go after her. I didn't move a muscle. I let her walk out. I even laughed a bit when I heard the door slam. I texted her to not call me again, and that enough was enough. What a psycho.
I'm not even sure if this all accurately displays why she's so crazy. Oh there was another thing I found out last night. She's a felon apparently. Assault charges from her ex's sister. Yeah, she actually got into a physical fight with her ex's little sister.
she texted me today that she bets I'm not even a lesbian. What the hell? Because you're crazy, that puts my sexuality in question? And what a stupid thing to accuse someone of. I mean for real. Who the fuck cares. Again, I don't like to put a label on myself, but as far as she was concerned, I was giving her a fair shot to date me exclusively. It's just so stupid to me that lesbians sometimes get offended over someone not living up to a title. I'm definitely not saying all of them, or us, or whoever, but do you know what I mean? I love people for who they are, not their sexuality. I mean isn't that what we're fighting for? Acceptance no matter what? Lol... sorry, again, getting sidetracked.
I just don't understand why it seems to be so hard to find someone that I'm compatible with. I make friends so easily, why is it so hard to find someone worth dating? I just want someone nice and caring, and possibly someone who doesn't have to pop 4 xanex to get through a day. Too much to ask? I hope not.
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