Select your advice.

One of my favorite cousins, Nick, gave me some advice a few months ago, and I remember just feeling sorry for him for even saying it out loud.  It was before I met S, which is weird because it feels like it was just yesterday that he and I had this conversation, but it also feels like I've known S for a really long time.  In actuality, we've only known each other for about 4 months, maybe a little less, but it's funny how time plays tricks on you.  It seems like such a long time.  It's rather amazing to me that in less than 4 months, I've fallen in love with someone, have made so many memories with them... enough to make my head spin when looking back on things, and have managed to even come to a crossroads with this same person, all in less than 4 months.  It's just weird, and really unbelievable.  But back to my original topic...

My cousin, Nick.  He's a few years older than me, and he lives up in Maryland, about 4 hours away from me.  So we don't see each other that often, and we pretty much never talk (he's still one of those 'losers' that refuses to get a facebook, even though it would make keeping in touch soooooo much easier) unless he's coming down to visit the family.  But the last time that I saw him, he was at my dad's house, and we had a family bbq.  He's been dating this one girl for a few years, and he's never been that excited about her.  The first time I met her was at my uncle's 60th birthday (Nick's father) maybe 2 years ago.  It was actually painful to witness them, she was there because she was invited by my aunt (Nick's mother) and Nick was acting annoyed about it.  Nick is the life of the party kinda guy, he's a bartender, and he's lots of fun and full of life, but he was being a complete douchbag to this girl, and I was so disappointed over the whole ordeal.  She actually gave my sister and me a ride to the condo we were staying in that night after the party, and she was saying that she thought that was the last time she'd be seeing Nick.  Well, now, they are living together, and it sounds like neither one of them are ecstatic over it.  During this past time that I saw him over this last summer, we were grilling each other about our love lives.  He asked me how mine was going, and I was single at the time so I was telling him about that, and some of the crazy dates I've had and such.  He jokingly asked if I was still into the poon, and I laughed and nodded.  He's quite the comedian... let me tell you.  I don't embarrass easily, but he knows how to embarrass anyone.  Anyway, I started asking him about K, his girl, and how they were doing.  He started immediately talking about how they are living in his dad's condo, thank goodness... because without her and his dad's condo, he'd have to move back home...........  needless to say he was basically not saying anything about being with this girl based on love or commitment.  I kinda interrupted him, because he was side-stepping my question, and I looked him in his eyes and asked... 'Nick... are you happy?'

As he gets a stupid grin on his face, he blurted out, 'can't you tell?'

He then proceeded to tell me that if I ever have a good relationship, and I end up ending things over something stupid, then it's not worth it to lose out on something that might have been.  I assume that he must be looking back on some past relationship of his, missing some girl that he let get away over something that might not have really mattered in the end.  Now I can look at this in a few different ways.  His advice makes me look at one situation from so many different angles.  I remember feeling sorry for him as he said that.  He's in this relationship that he's not happy in, but he feels the need to just stay in it, because maybe it's not as bad as it coulda been with someone else who was even more wrong for him.  Maybe he thinks that she loves him enough for the both of them.  Maybe he doesn't want to be alone.  Or worst of all, maybe he's staying with her because of his financial issues (he's always been the type who is between jobs.)  I would never want to be in his position, feeling stuck, for whatever reason, in a relationship that doesn't make me happy, that lacks passion and love. 

But then I look at his advice from a completely different angle, and think about how our generation is becoming too picky.  Divorce is such an option that is considered ok now, that there is really no sense of commitment.  There is no sense of real commitment anymore.  Marriage doesn't mean what it used to... and that makes me sad.  Now, if we get upset about one thing or another, breaking up is a real option.  Instead of staying in something because you've made the commitment to, and because you really love that person and wanna work past things, you let your pride get in the way and think to yourself 'I don't need them, I am just fine on my own, I can do better, and the grass will be greener.' 

As I'm talking about this... I've kinda lost my own train of thought...  but I think it comes down to wanting to find real love with someone (which I have, I think, I mean I know I love her...) and then creating a life and sticking to it.  I am tired of everything changing just as soon as I think I'm in something special.  I think it's just who I am, I'm a commitment type of person.  Yes, we both have our reasons of doubt in the relationship, but are any of those real reasons to end it?  are any of those reasons that we actually wouldn't work out in the end?  Are they really reason to not want to work through things?  In my opinion they're not.  If you think about the long term, all of this doesn't seem like a big deal, but who knows.  I can't make her think like me, and I can't make her feel something.  And if we don't think alike, then maybe we aren't meant to be.  But only time will tell.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out as it should, but I just don't want 'too much thinking' to get in the way of something that could be great, ya know?  Meh. 

Don't believe what you hear.

Ok so I'm all moved up to Richmond.  Made the move last weekend, and since then I feel like my world has turned upside down.  And I feel like it's getting too heavy for me to be able to carry and deal with.  I'm literally sitting here actually so lost and hurt that I can't even figure out which way is up.  I feel like it's hard to breathe. 

A couple days ago S's ex emailed her... which in return made S tell me that she's not over her ex.  At first I thought that it was because it was an unexpected email since they hadn't talked in 2 1/2 years, so it must have thrown her for a loop.  But last night, I found out that she has always known that she hasn't been over her, and there apparently have been times that she's wanted to tell me that, and now she can't hide it anymore.  I've been in Richmond for 3 days. 

Now I'm a very understanding person, and I also know that I would want someone to genuinely want to be with me, so we said that i'd give her time to figure out what she wants to do and where her head is.  But that was before I knew that it was something that was already on her mind. 

My head is spinning right now... it's difficult just to formulate a thought. 

Anyway, I went over to her house last night so we could talk some more.  I actually thought that I had a fighting chance, because I was comparing her story to the story of my ex Joy... and how she and I broke up and got back together quite a few times.  It wouldn't matter if I was with someone or not, as soon as she came back around, I was hooked, but it was always so pointless and it wasted so much time.  So I was explaining that to S, telling her that she and her ex had already tried things twice and that there were reasons that it didn't work out.  And that it's understandable that because her ex had suddenly made this surprise entrance back into her world, that it didn't have to mean that everything was going to fall apart. 

Seriously...  I can't even get through writing one paragraph without my head just spinning.  I can't believe that I thought I was going to her house to comfort her and to try to smooth things over, only to find out that maybe we didn't have what I thought we did.  After my entire speech about how her ex doens't have to ruin everything, I ask her if she thinks that we are missing anything.  As far as I knew we werent.  I asked her this because I wanted to know if her ex hadnt shown up, would there really be any reason for us to worry.  I had to hear her seperate the conflict in her mind, seperate what we have from her feelings about her ex.  She said no, at first.  I told her that if there is something missing, that this is the time to tell me, because we're getting everything out now, and we need to be completely honest.  Then I see her body shift.  Ok, she has something to tell me.  I'm thinking, whatever it is, it must be something small because we've been so happy together, and whatever it is, we'll be able to just work on it together.  At this point, I'm not worried to hear what she has to say.  And then she drops a bomb on me.  And it's just sitting there between us and I'm scared to move.  She tells me that she has been struggling with the fact that during the weekends that we've spent together (which were usually 3 and 4 days together), by the 3rd or 4th day, she was ready for me to leave. 

I also found out that she had a pretty lenghty conversation with the ex the day before, and she said that she couldn't bring herself to tell the ex that she was dating someone.  I had thought previously that they had had a quick conversation, and that she basically didn't have the time to tell her.  But she did have the time, they talked for at least an hour she said.  And she said that shouldn't have been so hard for her to tell her ex. 

So I have two strikes against me in 2 days.  She can't be around me for very long without actually neeeding her alone time, and she has never gotten over her ex who just suddenly appeared in her world again.  We're supposed to be taking time to just think things over before we make any decisions to end things, a few days or something.  But I just don't really see where I have a choice in the matter.  I think her mind is made up, she's just not ready to say it yet. 

I know that I was originally not moving to Richmond because of her, but she became such a big part of it.  She became the biggest part of what I thought my happiness would be here.  And 4 days into the big move, I'm losing her.  I feel like my security is being ripped out from under me.  This is all just so unexpected.  I just keep thinking back to how happy I thought we were.  And we were really so happy.  I guess in the grand scheme of things, we weren't even together that long, but man I had just never felt so safe and connected to someone, ever. 

She has said that she's scared of losing me, that she doesn't want me to ever go away.  But I don't know how I'm supposed to stick around while she rekindles things with her ex.  I just feel like everything is just one more jab through the heart.  I'll be thinking about one thing, and then my mind shifts to another part of the hurt and I lose my breath again.  It's all just so in my face right now that I don't know how to escape it.  I'm in a foreign place that doesn't feel like home yet, and I've lost the person that was supposed to make this move easier on me.  I was always excited about moving, but I was also always terrified, and I put my strength in her.  I just feel like this is another lesson in learning that you really can't trust anyone except yourself.  And I'm surrounded by happy couples here.  My roommates are so madly in love.  I'm absolutely terrified of New Years coming up.  I was so looking foward to being with her for all of that, and then her birthday is 4 days later, and I was just so excited about all of that. 

What the fuck do I do now?  I feel like I'm being tested to see how strong I am, and it's funny because SquirtyB just said the same thing to me, that she thinks I'm being tested to show myself that I can do it on my own.  But I'm tired of being tested.  Yes, I know that life will go on and I'll be fine at some point, and I'll make new friends here and build a life for myself here, and even learn to enjoy myself here.  But I'm tired of being tested.  I'm tired of having to tell myself that 'life will go on, I don't need them.'  All I want is to find my partner.  That's all I've ever wanted.  I want that feeling of belonging to someone else.  I already know that I can do things on my own, that's never been a question.  I'm more used to doing things on my own than with someone else.  I just feel like I'm such a good person and I try so hard to do things right, and I really did think that I'd found something special this time.  And when you connect with someone... your whole being connects with them, including your strength and identity.  So now I'm going to feel the weight of losing part of myself as we break apart, and I have to find the strength to just stand on my own again, and find the strength to deal with this whole move and finding myself here, all at once. 

She said last night that she can't change that something bothers her, she can't change that she still has feelings for someone else, and she can't change that she still loves me.  It's just the way it is, and it's making her feel crazy.  I don't know.  Maybe time will tell how this all plays out... but it really fucking hurts right now.

Best Lovey Weekend Part 2 (continued from my last post)

So yeah.  I'm in love.  Sooooo in loooooveee haha (seriously... I can hear the music in the background). 

She told me she loved me, and it was perfect.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment.  I cut her hair before we went out, and while I was cutting, she said 'I'm glad you said it back,' lol... as if I wouldn't have.  But she said 'you never know!' While we were out that night with some friends, I just kept looking at her and swooning.  I'm just so proud and lucky to have her next to me.  She's just the cutest thing I've ever seen.  Is this gushy enough for you??

So the next night, we went to her bosses work party at his house.  Wow... this house was gorgeous.  HUGE.  The backyard was amazing, had this huge patio with a big open fireplace, a big pool, hot tub, huge detached garage, and even a little pool house.  I got to meet all the crazy hilarious girls that she works with, and I really liked them.  We all brought our own beer and snacks.. and whew it was some good eatin!  Her boss and his wife were really nice too, they were all just a really welcoming group of people.  Every now and then, S would put her hand on my back or on my leg if we were sitting down and every single time she did that I'd get little butterflies.  At one point S went inside to use the potty, and one of her coworkers and I struck up a conversation.  This girl was one of the really funny ones, who was crackin jokes all night, but she was so sweet when it was just her and me talking.  She asked how long S and I had been together, and I said we'd only known each other for a couple months, and her jaw dropped.  She said that we looked like we'd been together for a really long time, and that you can just tell when people are really 'in it' together, and she said we are.  It was so cute!  What a nice compliment :)

When we were leaving, her boss gave me a hug goodbye, and he's gotta be like at least 6'5 or something, cuz he had to bend over a lot to hug me lol (I'm 5'1).  I had so much fun, and we'd both had our fair share of drinkies, so when we got home, I started seeing that S was a little drunk haha.  We had a quick picture fest (but not before S took her pants off and I had to grab her before the shirt came off too so we could take pictures since we both looked so cute that night).  Wanna see?

And then, we remembered that we had cheesecake in the fridge downstairs, but our clothes were already off.  SOOOOOO... we went downstairs half naked, her in only her underwear, and me in my bra and underwear, and ate our yummy cheesecake.  I'm not sure that life can get any better than that, watching my naked girlfriend eat cheesecake, while I eat cheesecake lol.  Is it possible?? 

I had to get up early the next morning to drive home (2 hour drive) since I had wedding clients to do at 11, and my sweetness got up and made me french toast, folded my clothes and packed my bags, got me all situated while I was in the shower.  She is so good to me.  She's my little dream come true.  :)

Best lovey weekend so far :)

So I wasnt planning on going to visit S this past weekend, but all it took was a little whining on her end and I decided to plan a surprise trip.  Her boss was planning an employee party at his home Saturday night, and everyone was going to be bringing their significant others but 'hers wasn't going to be there... mehhhh', so that made her not want to go.  Well I knew that I could do a couple haircuts in the area if I went, and since she had to work all day Saturday, I thought I could get those done that day, so I made the calls to set those up.  And then I started asking S inquiring questions about her other weekend plans to see when I should show up on her doorstep unexpected.  Well, apparently I asked too much, and she figured it out that I was planning on coming up to see her, and once she said 'I know your surprise', I couldn't hide it anymore lol.  But!  I still got her anyway.  I told her I wouldn't be able to get up there til late Friday night, after work, but I ended up calling in, and getting on the road at about 10am, so I was on her doorstep by 12.  The timing was perfect because that's when I would usually be taking my lunch break, so I was able to call her and ask what she was doing, so I would know where she was in the house.  She was cleaning her bathroom, and I said 'okay, well let me run in here and get some food, and I'll call you back'.  I ended up running to her door, and rang the doorbell.  Took her a minute to calm her bedhead down, not knowing who was gonna be on the other side of the door, but she was able to look through the peephole before slowly opening the door with one of the cutest faces I've seen yet on her-a half smile with a look of 'you tricked me' hehe.  I don't know if this is possible, but she literally looks cuter and cuter everytime I see her.  I jumped in the house and started laughing as I swallowed her up in my arms, and she fought to cover her lips with her shirt since she hadn't yet brushed her teeth for the day lol (baby just woke up like half an hour before!).  "You tricked me.  hmph," she kept saying, with a smile on her cute little face, and it was so worth the drive, just to see that face.  Man...  I'm just so smitten lol.

We've decided to be Danny and Sandy from Grease for Halloween, and since she had the day off, she was planning on going out to look for a leather jacket that day.  So after she got ready, we went out for our shopping day.  She treated me to Cheesecake Factory (which by the way is just ridiculously expensive, there's a reason I hardly ever eat there!) and then we walked around Short Pump Mall for the rest of the day.  I can't even describe why, but it was just the most perfect day we'd had.  We held hands, she rubbed my shoulders as we stood in line for starbucks, she laughed at me as this english woman in a tea shop ended up talking me into buying a new tea pot, loose leaf blooming tea, and a tea tin to keep my tea in (which by the way I'm in love with, and will be telling you about later) and she tried on different jackets (all of which she looked ridiculously hot in... seriously... how is this girl my girlfriend??  she's way too hot for me!) and as we walked around the mall, we were that couple that I used to joke but secretly be jealous of, the ones that walk with their arms around each other, the ones that just look so happy.  That was finally me.  I'm telling you, I've found her.  I have never felt this happy.  She'd put her arm around my shoulders and squeeze me close as hard as she could, and I'd have my arm around her hip, and we'd just love on each other, even when we were just looking at the directory to figure out where to go next.  I just can't get enough of this girl, and I've never had that feeling be so mutual with someone.

We ran a few more errands before getting back home, and by then I was exhausted.  We had made plans to meet up with SquirtyB and her gf and roommate that night, but we had about 2 hours to kill before doing that.  I told S that I might need a cat nap, as I collapsed on her couch.  She came over to me after dropping all our bags on the floor, and straddled my lap facing me.  We loved on each other for a bit, this is definitely one of my favorite cuddle positions, when she just curls up her little body on top of me and wraps her whole body around me... and she took my face in her hands as she kissed me a bit, then she sat back up and placed her hands down on my legs and said 'wanna know a secret?'  I knodded and smiled, I knew what was coming, I wasnt sure, but I thought maybe just maybe... and she said 'I love you' while looking at me with a half happy smile, half slightly scared smile, and I just melted.  I literally felt this ZING go through my whole body, and I said 'I love you too' as my heart raced :).  I just wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her so tightly, and then told her... 'I'm awake!' haha... I definitely didn't need a nap after that.  It was so sweet and intimate and just perfect.  I knew I was falling in love with her by at least the last time we hung out, but after that day together, there was no question.  That's only the first half of our lovey weekend, but I have to get ready for work, so I'll finish this up later.  I'm so happy and lucky!!  :)

So as I was saying...

I'm totally smitten with S.  I feel so lucky.  I feel like this is what I've been waiting for.  She is just the cutest little thing to ever creep into my heart. 

A few weeks ago, we got a really cheap motel room for the weekend in Fredericksburg, VA.  Yeah, we sure did stay at a Days Inn lol.  It was a little scary, and I kept getting freaked out that someone was gonna break into our room and murder us, but she kept me calm and reassured me that no one was outside our door at 4am ready to attack us.  She even got up in her little underwear to look out the window for me lol. 

 We have also started taking every single shower together when we are together lol.  I didn't even realize it until this past weekend, but I said 'do you realize that we never take seperate showers now?  Not ONE??'  haha.  She makes shampoo mohawks that make me laugh hysterically and she pinches my nips while my eyes are closed with soap or water and I pinch her butt to make her jump and squirm and smile and we switch back and forth to share the hot water<3.  But while we were in the motel room, I heard something and swore up and down that someone was in our room while we were in the shower, and again, she had to save the day and reassure me in her towel that no one was in there lol.  So during the days on our cheap motel weekend, we spent one day going to the DC Zoo, and the next day going to a Nationals Baseball Game before we headed back home to her house late Sunday night.  We had a photo-fest while at the game... all these pics are my favs :)

But my favorite part of that whole weekend was Saturday night.  We know nothing about Fredericksburg, and there is really nothing to do there at night, so after a late night shower since we were gross from being at the zoo, we decided to go to Walmart there lol.  Oh yeah, we shoooo did go to walmart on our vacay weekend lol.  While we were there, we came upon the arts and crafts section (which is of course my favorite section in ANY store lol) and she suggested we get something to take back to the motel room to work on as like an art project.  I said... "are you just saying this to try to make me happy?"  Or maybe I was thinking that lol... but no... she really wanted to do something artsy.  Which FLIPPIN made my day lol.  So we decided on getting some puff paint and some canvas bags that you can paint, and said we'd paint the bags for each other.   We sat up on the bed for like 3 hours and painted our bags.  She was just in a tank top and her underwear... and I kept catching myself just staring at her while she painted.  She makes this really cute face when she's concentrating on something, like painting my bag, I can see the little tip of her tongue stick out sometimes and her eyes are big and bright and focused.  Whew...  just soooo cute.

So our next project was that we took the leftover blank bags home, and we were supposed to paint them for each other and bring them to each other next time we got together (which was 2 weeks later, this past weekend).  Buttttt...  she couldnt wait that long lol.  She has no patience.  She made my bag and then HAD to send me a picture of it immediately lol.  I wanted to wait and surprise each other, but she wasnt havin it haha.  So she sent me a picture... and I almost started crying. It was the cutest thing ever.  She drew out our faces right next to each other, put 'K+S' underneath our faces, and put a big red heart around all of it.  How precious is that??????  So I had already made plans of what to do with her bag.  We already have a lot of inside jokes, so I was going to write out our 'phrases' on her bag.  So I did... and it turned out awesome... and she loved it :).  and we are definitely planning on using these bags.  We are so corny!  And I love it!

This past weekend, she introduced me to her family.  I had already met her dad, but I also got to meet her sweet Mama, and her sister and neice and nephews.  I had a blast with them.  They are for realll country folk, live out in the boonies, and we drank beers in the front yard while the kids ran wild, I watched S play basketball with her mom and the others, and she is a baller, she's got some skillz let me tell you (and i laughed to myself as she tried to get me to play with them.  I am NOT a sports girl at all lol.  I coware when the ball comes near me hahaha) and finished the night off with a bonfire and chairs wrapped around it right next to the woods.  It was like a little slice of heaven, totally the life I'd like to have (maybe minus a few kids lol).  But it was just great.  Her mom is so sweet, and S looks just like her.  They both have big pretty blue eyes and the same sweet soft spoken voice :).  So cute! 

So yeah, things are going really well.  I'm aware that we've only been dating for a short time, but wow.  I'm just astonished at how well we get along.  How there is no fighting, just cuddling.  How we can talk about anything.  So this is what a normal functioning relationship feels like!  I'm a lucky girl :)

Missing kitty, but great weekend.

Ok so I know it's almost next weekend and I'm just now writing about last weekend hehe.  But I went to stay with S (new girl) this past weekend, and ended up staying through Tuesday.  I'll tell ya what...  I am trying to keep a level head, but she is just... great.  :) 

We had a little bit of bad luck though, the first night I stayed with her, one of her cats happened to escape through her window.  She has an AC unit in her window, and when we woke up after sleeping in until 12 (FINALLY someone who likes to sleep in as much as I do lol) she discovered that one of the sides had been peeled off of the window sill, just big enough for a kitty to fit through.  She quickly yelled FIND ALL OF MY CATS!  (she has 3) so I jumped up outta bed, and we found 2.  We ran outside, but we knew it had been 5 hours since we had gotten up to feed the kitties that morning, so he coulda been gone for quite some time.  S is totally against letting me see her cry (so soon anyway) but she couldn't help but break down.  We looked around for him for a while, probably looking really funny cuz we both had bed head and only in tank tops and sweat pants, and yelling out 'Rabbit!  Here kitty kitty kitty!' (is that not the cutest thing ever?  She named her cat Rabbit hehe).  After a while, we went back to the backyard and sat out on the patio for a while.  She sheepishly let out a couple tears, and was trying to hide it... but it really just made me melt.  Her precious little face..  and I just started rubbin her back, and she grasped my hand.  She called her mom, and after telling her what happened, she said 'No, she's not supposed to see me cry so soon' as she looked over at me and smiled through her tears.  So, she's already told her mom about me, and ugh.  I would never want to see her cry, but she just looked so beautiful. 

So anyway, we spent the rest of that day walking all around and looking for her cat, after I went to the store to get stuff to make breakfast for her.  Yes, we had breakfast around 230 lol.  I got her a rose while I was out, and surprised her with it, held it up in front of her face as I hugged her from behind.  She showered me with kisses and a tight squeeze.  :) 

She had to work the next day, and I had a client in town, so I went back to her house when I was done.  I cleaned her room, and the whole house actually haha.  When she got home from work, she just curled up on me on the couch before we went back out to look around for Rabbit.  I love how she just seems to meld to me perfectly when we cuddle.  And I love that she always touches me if we're anywhere near each other, even when we're eating.  I love the constant contact, and all the kisses.  I just feel like this is the way it's supposed to be in the beginning.  Just all smiles and kisses and cuddling.  I've never had anything ever go so smoothly.  So many butterflies all the time, but yet, it still just feels natural and calm.  Even with my major ex, we were already arguing by now lol. 

I cut her hair...  and oh my god... she looks freakin hot.  her hair was in a bob before, but we cut it shorter..  a really fractured and texturized cut, where the short little pieces fall right over her eyes...  oooooh wow.  haha.  I thought she was adorable before, but now... just, wow.  haha.  Yummmmm!

Anyway, when we went out looking for Rabbit Monday night, we took a walk first, and she held my hand the whole time.  Even when we were turning around, she'd take my hand with her other hand so she could turn around.  It was just so sweet.  She'd squeeze my hand every now and then.  Anyway, after a while, we actually spotted him.  We were then driving around to the neighborhood that is directly behind her house, and saw him there.  She jumped outta the car and I put the lights right on him.  He crouched down for about 20 seconds before running away when she tried to approach him further.  She hasnt caught him yet, but she made flyers and has had a few neighbors call to say they've spotted him too, and she's seen him everyday, just hasnt been able to catch him.  I'm just glad that she can at least see him, she was just so scared that he was hurt or something before we saw him.  Hopefully she'll figure out a way to catch him, but at least she knows he's ok. 

Tuesday, she came home and again curled right up to me on the couch for a while before I had to go home.  She kept saying I'm not allowed to go home hehe. 

Oh and we took a pretty steamy shower together.  It was her idea, I told her she needed to wet her hair down so I could cut it, to which she said 'I'll just take a shower.  Wanna join me?'  I went red immediately... said 'buttttttt i'm shyyyy about my boddyyyyyyy' and she just started kissing me and so she got her way lol.  She's so tiny, like seriously little and perfect and just all together delicious, and for some reason, she's attracted to me and can't keep her hands off me.  It's really nice :).  And she's just so sweet, and I can see her guard coming down little by little.

Ok, time for a smile.

So I promised details on new events a couple posts ago, so here we are.  The first thing was that I was talking to someone new who was peeking my interest.  Well my peek flat out dropped hahaha.  Had a date with her last sunday, and we had fun meeting up in a city that was between us, went to a couple museums, walked under a bridge and explored, and then out of no where before we're about to head to the dinner restaurant, she seriously attacks me with a really inappropriate first kiss.  With all the messes of my past, I'm really just realizing that there are things that I want, and that I shouldnt settle for less.  And damnit, I want to have a really romantic and amazing first kiss.  I've had one really great first kiss.  We'd had a good share of drinks between us, and decided to go down to the beach at night to sit on a blanket that I always keep in the back of my car, and listen to the waves.  I remember rambling on and on because I was tipsy and nervous, and she just put her hand on the back of my neck, caught my attention, looked me right in the eyes, and said "honey, shush, why don't you just kiss me?"  and I fell right into it, and it was passionate and soft and magical and delicious and sexy and perfect.  I want another moment like that.  So when I'm getting settled in my driver's seat after walking in the rain, looking down to put my seatbelt on, and you pretty much bump my head as you swallow my face with no warning...  that's just not gonna cut it.  Sorry babe.  At 34, you should know by now how to go in for a kiss.  And then the rest of the evening was just awkward.. and then the next day I was bombarded with texts saying that I'm rude and that I'm being short with her.  And I even ended up blowing off a friend that night when she was going to a concert that I would have really enjoyed. 

So ya know what?  I've decided that this summer is going to be mine.  I stayed single all through last summer, and it was the best summer I'd had in years.  I just had fun with my friends, and it was everything I could have needed or wanted.  I've made some new friends over the past year, reconnected with older ones, and I've already had a few crazy random nights of fun this summer. When something is meant to happen, it will. 
And more importantly, I really just need to concentrate on building up my business.  I met with a financial planner last week, and it was honestly the best meeting of my life.  I have never felt more like I'm on the right track.  I'm excited to see my progression in the next year, even just this summer.  I'm really getting my shit together, and it's making me really happy and proud of myself.  Things are even getting better at home, and I'm not feeling as hounded lately.  I had to have a serious talk with my mom about how she needs to just back off instead of wanting to control and 'help' me every minute.  I'm a big girl, and I can handle it, but no one flourishes while being micro-managed by their mother.  The stepdad is learning to shut it too, and is being much more respectful of me.  Good things.

I'm ecstatic that it's summer.  It's just a whole new feeling in the air, and I'm really feeling good about life right now.  Here's to a great summer!!!

Wow. Still in shock.

And even more so now.  I'm finding out more and more about the reality of the relationship that I had with this girl  'X' that i was talking about.  After talking to J, her other ex, more tonight, we're still piecing things together.  She knows a helluva lot more than I do, cuz 'X' confided in her about all the shit she was doing to me.  After the convo tonight, I feel like a major dumbass.  Like...  i don't even know.  I know it's not worth talking about, much less even worrying about or thinking about, but I have just never been this blindsided by someone.  I knew I had been through heartbreak, and bad relationships before, but I just can't believe how much this takes the fucking cake.  I just can't believe all of the lies, I can't even piece them together.  Every single thing that we had together was a lie.  And it wasn't even a good lie.  All of the cheating.  Finding out now that I was pretty much always 'the other woman' and I didn't even know it.  I wasn't even the other woman, I was probably one of many.  I know this feeling will pass by tomorrow, but right now, it's just a little hard to breathe. 

And get this shit!  I made a new lesbian friend recently, and we just figured out that we both have a history with this girl!  and we live like 2 hours apart.  Luckily she didn't stick around as long as I did.  But she, too, was 'the other woman' and didn't realize it at first. She was with her just this year, while 'X' was with the girl that she left me for in the end.  And she was one of many, as I'm hearing from a few different people.   I'm just mortified.  I've just always thought that I have a good idea of who people are.  'X' even told me a few times that it scared her how much she thought I could read her, and how no one else ever could.  Well I apparently couldn't read her enough. 

I know that this all happened over a year ago, and I'm so thankful for that, but it still just jolts you to know that your own history isn't what you thought it was.  I'll get over it.  It's just crazy.  I literally can't wrap my head around everything that was going on.  I couldn't even write it all out if I wanted to.  To now know that I was cuddling her on the couch in her grandfather's hospital room as he lay there dying... and she was actually still with someone else while this was happening.  To now know that when her car broke down when she was on her way to meet my family for superbowl sunday 3 years ago, and I came out to save her, she was actually texting her other gf asking her to come save her first, but she couldn't because she was at work.  All of the lies.  All of the secrets. 

Ok, I'm fine.  I just had to vent this out.  I really am just jolted.  But I'm fine.  Just crazy.

Holy shit.

Well I just found out who my craziest ex is.  Wow.  Holy...shit.  Like...  I just found out so much that I didn't even know, and we've been broken up for over a year.  I'm literally sitting here, just in shock, appalled, I can't even believe what i just heard.

All I can say is that I'm lucky to have gotten out of that when I did.  I didn't know people were really able to treat people so badly, and still be able to look in the mirror and sleep at night.  I knew there were lies in my relationship with her, but I just simply had no idea the extent of them.  Apparently she cheated on me with her ex before me, with the girl she left me for, and 'some dude' that no one knows who he is.    And, while she and I were beginning our relationship, apparently she was still with the ex before me.  And this is just the beginning.  I mean, there is so much more, I just can't even believe it.  After talking to another one of her exes, I just can't believe what a sociopath this girl is.  She literally wants to ruin everyones lives that she comes into contact with.  She needs to be cut off.  She needs to be medicated.  She needs to be put in a corner until she can learn how to interact with the rest of the human race in a respectful manner. 

I'm mortified that this was a person that I thought I loved at one time.  I had talked about a real future with this girl, talked about children, talked about opening a business with her. She was the first person that I ever saw a real future with, one that excited me and made me feel amazing.  I spent time with her family, I made a painting especially for her that was probably the most sentimental thing I've ever painted in my life.  I held her hand and cried with her.  I even danced around naked in the moonlight on the beach with her and her sister in the middle of the night in Corolla, NC, at my dad's beach house.  I would go and play cards with her grandma and her.  That girl even got me going to mass with her.  Looking back on the great memories we had, I feel like I have NO idea of who she was the entire time we were together.  How do I come into contact with these people?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???  How is it so easy for some people to just completely lie to your face?  To just flat out make up everything about who they are and what they care about?

Thankfully, I'm finding out about this a long time after it's been over, so it definitely doesn't affect me like it would have if I found this stuff out back when it was still fresh.  I'll admit that hearing these things definitely turned my stomach, but I was able to brush it off rather quickly. I have known for a long time that I wouldn't touch this girl with a 10ft pole, I just had no idea the extent of her absolute craziness.  The funny thing is that she recently asked her ex (the one who told me all of this info) that she wanted her to help her get me back.  Really???  I mean really.  She even added that she missed my boobs and chocha!!  My boobs and chocha are mine, and she sure as hell can't have them back!!! This is the same girl that left me the day before my birthday, the day after I had taken her to see Fleetwood Mac, and who I just now found out that she actually told people that she was staying with me because she wanted to go to the concert.  I already knew that, but the fact that she actually said it out loud as if she were proud of it...  just wow.  Haha... wow. This is the same damn girl that was the reason behind me starting a new blog, just because I didn't want her to be able to keep her tabs on me. I'm just lucky to have not stayed with her longer.  I'm ecstatic that she left when she did!  I'll still always look at that night on the beach with her and her sister as being one of the most meaningful nights of my life.  I felt free and beautiful and healthy and one with every spec of earth and water around me, and I thank her and her sister for bringing that feeling to life in me.  It really was the most amazing feeling, it's just such a shame that she didn't appreciate it all as much as I did.  But I'm glad.  I will just never be able to understand some people.  The guilt I would feel for treating someone like that (and she has treated multiple people this way)... I just can't even imagine.  Seriously CRAZY.

Just one more lesson on my path to the right one.  At least I can look back and remember that feeling that I'm still searching for in the future.

Oh crystal ball... tell me life is beautiful.

New favorite music:  Keane.

Well, I got the privilege of hearing tonight that MJ's first date with the new girl went great. 

I'm not really sure why I'm putting myself through this.  I tell myself that it's a good idea, and that the hurt feelings will go away... but so far no good.  The fucked up part is that I don't even want her back.  That, for one thing, is getting easier and easier to see everyday.  But what I don't get is why it still turns my stomach.  It makes me feel so mixed up, almost sick, like I can't make myself completely step away from the situation.  I want to know, for some sick reason, what's going on.  But it's always been easier for me to just walk away and not have to subject myself to hearing about their new life without me.  I know what I need to do.  I need to do what I KNOW is best for me.

In my last post, I have to say that every single person's comment pissed me off.  I wanted ya'll to side with meeee!  and for some reason, I felt like no one did that.  No one said what I WANTED to hear.  I know that's not actually true.  But I want to feel ok with making a decision that seems 'cold' to some people, by just stepping away.  It's what's easier for me, and I just don't think I can heal otherwise.  Maybe I'll be able to go back and be friends with an ex later, but I just can't do that until I'm fully healed from the breakup.  I'm not even fucking hurting that much over this shit, it's just something that literally sits in the middle of my head and it won't go away.  I just need it gone right now.  I don't need this kind of distraction.

After MJ and I got off the phone tonight, I went straight into the bathroom and took a burning hot bubble bath.  I never take baths.  Like seriously, maybe once a year.  I put on my pandora and typed in coldplay and blasted the speakers and just layed in there, taking deep breaths.  The water was so hot I could hardly stand it at first, but I needed to feel the stimulation. 

Lines ever more unclear

I'm not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

Here we go.

I actually don't even know what to say or where to start...  I'm so confused with myself right now and I hate feeling this way and I hate that I STILL don't know how to find my way out of shit like this.  I feel like any choice I make will be the wrong one.  I feel like it's not even up to me to make a decision. 

I'm not a go with the flow kind of person.  It actually makes me crazy to just sit back and watch things happen, I want to be more involved and I feel like it will all blow up in my face if I just say that I'll come back to this later and make a decision.  Again, I think I get this from my mother.  She is a control freak, a really big one.  Like, for real, big time.  So I guess I got some of that wonderful little trait from her, yay me.  But I really just don't know how to just sit back and let things happen, when I know that it's hurting me, and that it's going to hurt me if I am able to see it all happening in front of me.

Confused enough yet?  I'm trying to be vague because I have a new reader!  But that was my decision, which was another one that I wanted to trust wouldn't come bite me in the ass.  So here it is.  MJ and I are friends now.  That's the decision that we came to together.  I have never been able to be friends with an ex, and I've just gotten the sting of remembering why.  I'm a softie.  And it's been easier for us to just be friends, and keep each other in our lives, so that we wouldn't have to feel the full on sting of the breakup.  And yes, we did break up, it's over, and I can say with 95% certainty that I haven't been hoping for us to get back together.  It's just been flat out nice to still be someone else's number one.  And that's probably been the issue that we hadn't realized until now.  We have still been talking just as much as we did when we were dating... yeah, seriously like all day everyday, we're in touch, and we know what the other person is doing.  I was actually at an all day wedding yesterday where my phone didn't get service, and by the end of the night, I felt like I needed to rush home so that I'd be able to talk to her on the phone.  I actually felt guilty for not being able to talk to her throughout the day, even though we're not even a couple.  So yeah, this isn't ideal, but it's been easy and nice and comfortable. 

And then today, I found out that she might have a new love interest.  She was very honest with me, she didn't try to hide it.  She and I are both on a well known dating online site (which is actually how we met) and she has been emailing a new girl back and forth over this weekend.  Ouch, that stings!  Why?  Well I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we've never really seperated ourselves, and so I haven't had time to prepare for the thought of her maybe talking to someone else.  She said that the other girl had given her her number, and that MJ planned on calling her. 

So, our predicament.  And don't worry kids, I had no issues telling her that it hurts me and that I don't know how to deal with it and all that stuff.  And yeah, it's not even anything yet to fret over, they only talked on the phone once tonight.  But it's scaring me because of how I'm reacting to this, and if it does turn out to be something more, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.  It seems too soon.  And I know she doesn't mean for it to be, but it seems hurtful.  I think it seems hurtful to me because I'm planning on going up to see her this Thursday, to be there for her and take care of her because she's having surgery, a procedure that's going to be pretty life altering.  I want to be there for her.  I want her to know that she has me to count on, that I'll always be there for her, but now it just feels like I'm a step in.  I don't want to feel this way, and she doesn't want me to feel this way, and she says that she still wants us to be friends and that it shouldn't be a conditional friendship.  But it's just hard for me.  I'm finding out today that it's just not that easy for me to turn off my feelings like a light switch, and there's been no warning of this coming.  We've still pretty much been each other's daily companions, even if it's just been over the phone for 3 weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.  It's just pretty shitty timing that this gets all jumbled up right before I want to be there for her in 3 days.  I don't want to be there and wonder who she's texting, and I know that that is just how my mind works.  I wish I didn't think that way.  I wish I didn't have so much jealousy in me.  I don't want to be this way, but I hurt and I don't know how to make it stop.  I'm just tired of always being the one who gets their feelings hurt.  I feel like I strive to do best by others, and I feel that I'm genuinely a good person, and that karma should be making its way back around to me, but it just seems like everything leads to one more dead end.  I'm tired of having a reason to tear up, or a reason for me to question if I'm doing what's really best for myself. 

I try to live so that if I do enough good and if I care enough about other people, it'll come back around to me.  It would just be nice for someone else to put my feelings first.  I don't even know what I'm asking for, but it always seems like it's just too much. 

I want to be there for her at the end of this week, and I still think I'm going to go.  I'd feel guilty for not going, and just get upset with myself.  I just wish I knew what to do with all this stuff in my head and heart.  I don't even know where to put it, which way to push it or pull it. 

Breakup aftermath.

Hey guess what?  I'm really doing fine.  I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be, but it just always seems so dramatic when you're still in that mindset.  So end of the worldish, so woe is me.  But yeah, didn't take me long to snap out of that.  I guess that just justifies the thought that was in my head all along, that I just wasn't in love. 

I think my problem is that I don't know how to let go of things.  Like, even though I knew the spark was barely glowing, I just wanted to move foward with it and hope that it would grow.  So that's something I'm gonna have to learn.  I had gotten myself into it, so I wanted to stick with it and be faithful to it.  I thought that was the adult thing to do.  Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing it even now, which we all know I'm just FAMOUS for doing anyway.  haha...  it really is funny I guess.  Relationships are just a bitch!

Why do they seem to take over some parts of your mind?  Why do I feel so differently now that I'm out of the 'blinders' mindset?  Who knows.  But yeah...  me snapping out of it so quickly isn't entirely just because of me.  Some great friends really just came out of the woodwork yesterday, and said all kinds of nice things and I even made a couple of them sit through me talking the whole thing out and give me their input, and a lot of it was so constructive and helpful.  Things I didn't even realize until they said it.  All of the red flags that were flying SO HIGH!  And I didn't even know it all or consider it all or realize how blinded I was. 

I do have one special person who really made me feel great.  Yeah, it's kind of a sticky situation though haha.  Of course it is right?  She's an ex.  S, we'll call her.  We had only dated a while ago for a short period of time, but she recently found me on facebook and added me, maybe like 5 months ago or something.  She's now in a serious relationship, living with her gf, and they're happy and I'm happy for her.  She and I never really had a fair shot at things, I was still not over J, the major ex, and my head was cloudy (I honestly don't even recognize that version of myself, when I was in love with J, it was the most disfunctional relationship I think I'll ever have) and after S and I had a 'big misunderstanding' (as we call it now) I went running back to J who was sweet talkin me again.  Anyway, S works for an eye doctor, and my eyes have been bothering me, so I had messaged her on facebook asking if she still worked there and that I wanted to get my eyes checked.  She told me to come on in.  This was all completely innocent, I didn't think there would be any feelings there, I mean seriously the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.  So I went in to see her last Friday, and of course she just looked as gorgeous as ever.  She looked very excited to see me, it had been at least a year and a half since we'd seen each other, maybe even two years.  So I get my eyes checked with the Doc, who is her best friend.  He's a goofball, older, with 3 kids.  I had met him when we dated, and even went out to dinner and a movie with him and S and his kids, so it was good to see him too.  S and I had some good laughs about how I still hated to have anything near my eyes, and she had to almost hold me down while she put drops in my eyes.  She also told me how her gf is extremely jealous of me and would probably kill her if she knew that I was coming in to the office.  Why??? I thought...  we haven't seen each other in a long time and we didn't even date that long to begin with, she replied that it was because I was pretty.  haha... ok... 

Anyway, I left there feeling light on my feet and happy to have caught up with an old friend, when she texts me.  "Off the record, you look beautiful.  Absolutely amazing.  On the record, it was really good to see you." Uh oh... trouble.  How is it that I was thinking the same thing about her?

Ok, let's not get ahead of ourselves.  She and I have since seen each other again yesterday for me to get the damn contacts for my eyeballs (my eyeballs do NOT like them at all haha), sweet talked each other A LOT but I would never feel ok about going behind her gf's back, and I know she's not the kind of person who would do anything to disrespect her partner, or me, or anyone for that matter.  So we both stopped it before it got to anything close that was out of hand.  But nevertheless, she did say some things to me that just made me feel so great.

Whether the relationship was good or not, a breakup always kinda feels like a bit of a blow to the ego.  This one did to me with no exceptions.  MJ had told me that I'm really sensitive, and that it didn't work because she isn't.  Well I'll be damned!  I've never heard that one before.  I've heard that from pretty much every girl I've been with, with just a couple small exceptions.  But S texted me yesterday after I left her office, and had just unloaded on her the details of MJ's and my breakup.  She said 'just so you know, you being sensitive is not a bad thing.  You will find someone like me that will love you for you and be happy with that part of you.  I just think that you're a great girl.  You have a lot going for you, ur beautiful and fun and you're not too sensitive.... There is nothing wrong with caring too much.  Don't let it change you.  Like I said, I love that part of someone and I can't be the only one that does.'  Ok so that was like 4 different texts that she sent, but I put them all together.  But it meant a lot, and of course I start crying as I'm driving down the road and my new contacts got dried out haha.  But it was nice.  She made me feel more special, and just flat out 'ok' with myself in that one conversation than in the entirety of mine and MJ's relationship.  So that definitely says something about what I had with MJ, it definitely wasn't as much as I'd been thinking it was.

And I know it can't go anywhere, I know she has a gf who she loves.  But it was just simply nice to hear that from someone who had actually been a personal witness to that side of me in a relationship, and didn't despise that side of me.  And I know I'm sensitive and emotional, but that's just who I am.  I'm not going to change!  So that makes accepting that side of myself a little easier, to hear that it's actually appreciated by someone else. 

So I'm ok.  Gonna be fine.  Again!

What a week.

I don't even really know where to start to be honest.  My mind is still spinning a little bit.  Just going over things that were said and agreeing with things and then disagreeing with other things, not that any of it matters at this point.

MJ and I are over.  She made the call last night.  I have to admit that I was somewhat expecting it, but I wasnt expecting it to happen when or how it did. 

We just had such a great weekend at the lake.  It was just the two of us.  It was relaxing and we also got a lot done.  I helped her with yard work for the better part of Saturday, mowing about 85% of the lawn while she blew the leaves out of the flower beds and used the weed wacker.  We went out for dinner that night, made a bonfire in the backyard when we got back, had cuddle time all weekend, and then layed out on the dock on the lake on Sunday.  It was just perfect, and then it was just over, just like that.  When we got back to the house sunday afternoon, it was time to take showers, then eat a late lunch, then clean up the house before hitting the road at 6.  This was the plan we'd come up with while planning out the rest of the day.  We take showers, one of us in each shower, then I pack my bags up and then head to the kitchen to make lunch.  She was already working on cleaning up her stuff and so i yelled through the house what she wanted me to make for her lunch.  I said I was going to have my leftovers from dinner the night before, and could make something else for her.  And there's the tone.  She is apparently pissed off thhat I'm not eating the pizza we had said we'd put in the oven and eat for lunch, we'd had the same thing the day before so I just wasn't in the mood for it again.  But I said I'd put it in the oven for her if she wanted it, or I could make something else for her.  She says no.  I ask what's wrong.  Nothing.  No really, what's wrong?  Nothing, just eat your lunch.  Out of nowhere, she's mad at me.  Well I'm starving, so I go ahead and heat up my food.  I then go into the den and turn the tv on while I eat, like we usually do.  I ask her again, is she sure that i can't make something for her.  No.  Ok then... 

I go on eating.  It's about 430 now.  I keep thinking she'll stop what she's doing back in the bedrooms and come and make herself something to eat and sit with me so we can spend some time together before we finish cleaning up.  Didnt happen.  She kept on cleaning.  I asked her again about food for her.  No, I'm not hungry.  Now I know she's lying, because she was the one who said we'd go back and eat lunch while we were at the lake.  So I clean up  my lunch mess, and go and finish packing my bags and see that she has already remade the bed after washing the sheets earlier in the day, which is something we usually do together.  Why didn't she tell me she was doing that?   I guess in her mind it was better to do it all herself and be the martyr.  To act like I was purposefully not helping her clean.  At 5, she yells across the house 'are you gonna start packing your car?'  when I'm thinking we still have another hour before we're leaving.  I tell her I can, and so I do.  When I go outside, I see that she's already got her dog strappped into her doggy seat in her truck.  I say 'are we leaving now?' she says yes, she's done cleaning and ready to go.  I'm just completely stumped.  What just happened in the past hour?  How do you go from having a really great weekend to letting something upset you that much to just erase everything else?  She comes over to my car and gives me a quick peck kiss, no hug, and walks over and gets in her truck.  I say through our opened windows...  why is this so weird?  we're not gonna see each other for two weeks, and she really wants to leave like this?  I just didn't get it.  She said she didnt wanna talk about it right now, but that if anything she was pissed off that I didn't help her clean.  She says I'm a grown woman and she shouldn't have to tell me what needs to be done.  I'm a little in shock at this point.  That she decided to talk to me like that, and that she was actually willing to just drive away and end our weekend over being upset over one small thing.  I sat there in my car in the driveway, just thinking she'll snap out of it and get out of her truck and come give me a hug and a real kiss, a real fucking goodbye, but it didn't happen.  She said that there was nothing that either one of us could say to change the situation, so she was just going to go, and she did just that.  She just pulled right out of the driveway and left me sitting there with my jaw hanging open. 

We talked a little on the way home, I called her pretty much as we were both driving out of the neighborhood, but there was no coming to an agreement or even just letting it go.  She just said she'd call me when she got home and needed to cool off.  I literally didn't even know how to react.  I just couldnt understand why she would leave that way, knowing that we wont be seeing each other for 2 weeks.  We had a great weekend.  There was never a bit of tension in the air until the last hour that we were there.  I still just don't get it.  Later that night, we talked and she pretty much said she was over it, so I just let the conversation go, even though I was still feeling uneasy about how she'd handled things.  But I needed time to process I guess.  I just didn't even know what tto do. 

Monday she was distant while she was at work.  I had a bad day, got in an arguement with my stepdad, then my mom, and pretty much just had one of those days where you feel like the world is caving in.  I still didn't know how to feel about things with MJ, and since I'm living with my parents right now it was just really uncomfortable being in my house.  I even texted MJ around 3 asking her if she was busy.  I hadn't heard from her in about 3 hours and she knew I was having a bad day from texts that morning.  She hadn't ever asked me if I was ok or tried to check on me in any way.  She then called me and asked me what was up.  I just said that I didn't really know what to say but that i felt like she was feeling like i was just quite the irritation to her.  It just struck me as odd that she hadn't seemed to care that I was having a bad day.  Her response was that we'd talk later, she couldnt get into it now, but that she didn't think she was acting any different than she usually did.  Yeah... right.  Thankfully I had some clients last night, so I went and did them and then came home and got on the treadmill for about an hour.  MJ was helping a friend move a grill with her truck, and she was out pretty late, so we didn't even catch up on the phone until close to 11pm.  She then sounded fine, told me about her night with her friend, and then asked about my day, and actually genuinely sounded concerned.  I told her everything that happened.  She then asked me about some other things, like if I'd heard from my lawyer about the old roommate situation.  Then we even made small talk, she was watching her dvr'd dancing with the stars, which I don't watch at all.  I said I was getting tired around midnight, and asked if I could go pee and call her back to say our goodnights.  I did, called her back, and after a bit more small talk, she comes out with 'well I know you've had a bad day, but I do think we need to talk.'

Ok...

She says "I just don't know if this is working for me anymore Kel."  She said it so matter of factly, and so out of nowhere, that i actually considered in my head that she might be joking.  But no, she wasn't. 

I don't even want to get into everything else that was said cuz it'll just make me upset again at this point, but yeah, it's over.  In the end, i agree that we're probably just not right for each other.  At times, it did feel like I was hanging out more with a buddy than with my gf.  And after her startling exit on sunday, I was already expecting this to happen.  But it still sucks either way.  So in the end she's saying she wants to stay friends, and that she knows that I'm not prone to do that, but that she wants me to try to be open minded about it.  I just don't know at this point. 

When all is said and done...  I just feel a bit used.  For quite a few different reasons too.  Just looking back on things, you never realize how much you readily sacrifice for someone until you find out it was all for nothing.  I'm having bouts of anger and sadness, going back and forth with them.  But i'll be fine. 

I'll be fine.

I'll tell ya what...

...I just don't know anymore. 

about a lot of things.

There are a lot of "I don't knows" in my head right now.  I just don't know. 

I'm gonna go run on the treadmill.  I don't know if it's aggression or hopelessness that's in me, but it needs to get out.

Wondering...

I'm wondering if I'm just freaking out because it's in me to do that, or if this is actually meaning something...

Something doesn't feel right.  I've been feeling something slightly uneasy since she told me that we needed to take a step back.  I respected her for saying so, but it feels like it also took some of the excitement out of it. 

Why does every new thing in life end up feeling like a new experiment?  I've been trying to cover up these uneasy feelings since that incident, and just enjoying the good things about us, but it seems like these feelings are coming to the surface again.  I'm just so scared to make a wrong decision, and it scares me that I feel like I can't trust my own judgement right now, because I'm still in it.  Yes, I know this is kinda heavy talk for someone I've only been dating for 2 months, and maybe I should just ignore all this, but I just still feel like I'm searching for something. 

I'll be 26 next month.  I know I'm not supposed to have all of the answers right now, but it'd be nice to have a couple.  At least my business seems to be picking up right now.  I'm feeling like maybe I should just concentrate on that, on bettering myself right now, of making something of myself, getting stable.  That is very important to me, and I'd probably start to feel a lot better about myself.  I recently sent out a promotion flyer to all of my clients, and it's definitely been working.  I've been getting phone calls everyday to make new appointments.  I sent them a flyer saying that I'd give them a 25% discount if they're able to refer one new client to me before the end of April.  I even made up these cute little coupons that my clients can hand out to the people they're refering, they just have to write their name on it as the referring client.  It's been exciting to see how many of my clients have called to tell me that I'll be hearing from their friends/coworkers/family members, and it's been a reminder for them too, to book their next appt with me, so I'm filling up faster than I ever have before.  Go me!  It was a good idea.  Even if it means I'm promoting myself in a town where I don't want to be.  I am creating a business there, sinking my roots in even deeper, but that's ok.  It's my only option right now.

I don't think I even wrote in here my big offer.  I have this client, Sandra.  I have been doing her hair for almost 3 years, and we've gotten to be good friends outside of just her hairdos.  She's in her late 30s, and she owns a couple businesses.  I've partied hard with her, confided in her about my ridiculous relationships, we've done fundraisers together, and she has become somewhat of a mentor in my life.  She's always been very supportive of me, she's purchased a couple of my paintings and has always been willing to lend a helping hand when I've been lost and in need of some kind words.  I've done the same for her, and seen her through a couple silly girlfriends.  I absolutely love her current lady, and have become close with her as well.  I do both of their hairdos, and now do the gf's kids' hairs too.  Anyway, the last time I did their hair, after a couple cocktails in S's kitchen, they sat me down and told me that they have been doing a lot of thinking.  Sandra absolutely loves the business world, and has been 'itching' to open up a new one.  She and her gf 'Little One' came up with the idea of opening up a salon, and they want me to run it.  Neither one of them know anything about the salon industry, but they believe in me and my talent, and think it would be a fun adventure.  They know that I don't have any money to put into the business, and they're not asking for anything.  They said that I would be able to take home 100% of my profits in return for being their manager.  I would be able to hire whoever I wanted, use whatever products I wanted, basically make all the decisions, and they would handle all on the business end.  Can you imagine someone just laying that opportunity at your feet?

They offered me this about a month after MJ and I started talking.  I did some thinking about it, talked to MJ about it, talked to both of my parents about it, and came to the conclusion that I didn't want to take this offer because of the fact that I didn't want to get tied down in that area.  I'll admit that one of the bigger factors was also that I knew MJ wouldn't be able to move to my city based on her job.  So I didn't want to be tied there, and she couldn't move there.  I'm now wondering if I should reconsider.  It now sounds like an awful lot to pass up at this point.  I may be open to rethinking that decision.  I'm going to think about it for a while.  It could be just the thing that I need to make me feel great right now.  MJ was supportive of the idea when it was offered to me.  She said that if we're meant to be then we'll make it work.  Maybe I need to just do it.  How many times is an offer like that going to pop up in my life?

Oh geez... here I go again.  Thinking thinking thinking.

Feelings Again

Maybe I've been sitting here too long with too much time to think and maybe I'm just bored and lonely and feeling a little idle but who knows.  These are just thoughts.  Just explorations.  Just  me being me I guess.

But anyway, we have a small predicament.  Adalie, the cat.  She is apparently keeping MJ up all night.  She is apparently a little too crazy for MJ to take care of being that she already has a dog and that she lives alone, and that Adalie is extremely desperate for attention at any given time in the day.  So, ok.  That's fine.  I appreciated that MJ offered to take in my cat for me since I'm not able to keep her at my mom's house where I'm living right now.  So I've been looking for a new place for her to stay, which is just disheartening as it is.  I feel sorry for this cat who is being shipped around because i'm unable to care for her myself.  I feel bad for asking anyone to take in my responsibility to their own home.  It makes me feel sick actually, I don't like having anyone take on any extra weight for me.  But anyway, my friends A and B who are a couple had said that they would be happy to take her in, just as long as she gets along with their own brand new kitten that they've had for only 2 weeks, but who is very close in age with my kitty Adalie.  So I'm planning on taking her to their house tomorrow when I leave MJ's house (I've been here for the past couple days babysitting the animals while she's away on business).  I get a text tonight that B has just taken A to the ER because she's been really sick and the doctor is saying that she is so allergic to cats that he is insisting that they get rid of their new cat.  So they can't very well take in another one! 

So here I am, between a rock and a hard place.  MJ is thinking that the cat is gonna be gone by the time she gets home, so I text her letting her know what's going on, and ask if she has any ideas, and if not that I'm just planning on trying to find the cat a new permanent home.  It's just too much right now, and I can't take care of her and it's making me feel like shit for the cat to be moved around so much and I really don't want to have to ask anyone else to babysit for however long until I'm able to take her in again.  I don't know how long I'm going to be at my mom's house at this point. 

Anyway, when MJ calls me, she just sounds so irritated.  It's like, I already know that I have put this burden on her, and I'm doing all I can to take care of it, but she just has no problem letting me know that she just 'doesn't want to keep my cat anymore.'  Ugh.  I just feel like she could have tried to make it a little easier on me and maybe just shown a little sensitivity towards the fact that not only is this hard for me to know that I have to give up my cat, but that I also have to figure out what I'm going to do with her.  She just didn't seem to want to make me feel the least bit ok about it, and I have to admit that it bothers me. 

I'm trying to look at this objectively and it's making me think that maybe this could prove to be a difficulty in the future for us.  I know that I want to be in a supportive relationship, where the support is just oozing from both sides for the other.  And i just know that if I had been in her shoes, I would have said "that's ok baby, I'll keep her until you can find her another home, I understand that it's not your fault."  I just don't really understand why she had to make me feel worse about it.  And maybe she wasn't trying to, but there just wasn't an ounce of sensitivity about the subject at hand.  I just don't know...  but I do know that it bothers me.

All I know is that I'm taking everything in strides, and doing my best to not get sucked into this if it happens to not be right.  I'm not going to write everything off, because after all.. this is still our 'getting to know each other' phase and it might jsut be that I'm not understanding her yet, or that she's not understanding me and my needs.  There are definitely still more positives than negatives, so I'm just gonna calm down and take a seat and see how it all plays out with an open mind.

Maybe I'll title this later, after I figure out what I'm writing about.

MJ's asleep in her room 20 ft away from me, and I'm needing my sleep schedule to sync with hers!  But for now I'll write, and reflect on this past weekend and week. 

Since moving back in with my mom, I had to find a temporary home for my kitty baby Adalie elsewhere, at a good friend's house, until I was able to take her back again.  Well MJ said that she'd be happy to go ahead and move her up to her house, so we made that move last weekend.  The 4 hour drive here actually was fine, I had been worried that she wouldn't be able to calm down since she doesn't like car rides.  I gave her a teensy bit of children's benadryl to calm her down before the ride, and it worked like a charm for about 2 hours.  As soon as it wore off, she happened to hear me talking to MJ on the phone and she started meowing like crazy.  I stuck my hand in her kitty carrier and she charged out of there, and plopped herself down right on my lap.  She had no interest in roaming around the car, she just wanted to be near me.  It was so cute, she layed there still and fell asleep for a good hour and a half.  When we got to MJ's, she explored the place for a while, and started loving on MJ right from the start.  She had two days being the only pet in the house, MJ's mom had her dog for the weekend, but brought her home sunday night.  Yeah...  they're still in the process of getting used to each other lol.  Her dog Haley chases Adalie around, so it's slow going for them to actually be calm around each other, but it's getting a little better everyday.  I'm so happy she's here though :-).

Last night MJ and I were up til about 4am.  We went to bed around 11 actually, but we had a really long, really important talk.  We got everything out about things that were 'bothering' us (so to speak), but more or less just wanting to be on the same page about us and where we're headed and stuff like that.  There's actually not really anything that is an actual bother, but more of just the adjustment period i guess.  But I'm just so happy that we're able to talk about things.  Of course there is still a lot that we're learning about each other, but I've just never been in a relationship where there was so much respect for each other coming from both sides.  It's just so refreshing on a daily basis, and I'm still amazed at how easily and naturally it's all happening.  I'm really jsut so happy with her, and with the idea of the life we could have together.  I'll admit, she's definitely being the more responsible one with us, and she's keeping me grounded, and I appreciate that.  She's 7 years older than me (which is something I joke her for relentlessly haha), so at this point I'm happy just letting her take the reins and lead us, and I know I'll get my way in the end, which is to just be happy with someone.  I really think she could be the one, and if she isn't, then I'll be crushed, but happy to know that I've at least found it is that I've been looking for.  It's just flat out nice to have faith again.  And of course, the amazing sex doesn't hurt none either ;-)

We decided I should stay the week this week, since Adalie is here for the first time, and I scheduled my appointments at home to not start until Thursday evening.  I've been exploring the area on my own the past couple days while MJ is at work.  I've found the cutest little coffee shop, and the girl at the counter was so sweet, with red hair and purple eye shadow.  She could for sure be my new best friend and I could for sure work in that cute little coffee shop if I move here hehe.  MJ chuckled as I told her of my findings when she got home. 

Sweet dreams everyone, I'm gonna go lay with my honey.

lost... hmmm.

I feel like I'm in a hole lately.  I feel lost and I don't really know how to find my way back to myself.  This so isn't like me, I'm usually a happy bubbly person, but there are just so many things that aren't going my way right now and I feel like I'm sinking.  And then when I actually see myself write these words, it makes me feel selfish for all the other people that are going through things far worse than I am.  I feel low just because I'm complaining.  Lol... what a pickle!

I did something stupid last night.  I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday.  Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her.  This scenario still hurts me.  I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me.  I just don't feel like I deserved it.  I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?

So anyway.  About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook.  This completely surprised me.  They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will.  They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me.  Everything about us was just a big lie.  And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work.  Well, it didn't. But anyway...  those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me.  I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her.  She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me.  She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all.  I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog.  She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does.  But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me. 

Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now.  I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures.  Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey.  There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined.  Ok, that's fine.  After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible.  But why is it so easy for her to find someone?  She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me.  She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose.  It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness. 

So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her.  Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning.  It seemed so real.  In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times.  She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work.  She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with.  We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl.  No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds.  But anyway, that was it.  That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream.  We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being.  Lord I'm rambling I know. 

My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me.  That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great.  I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.