Ok so I'm all moved up to Richmond. Made the move last weekend, and since then I feel like my world has turned upside down. And I feel like it's getting too heavy for me to be able to carry and deal with. I'm literally sitting here actually so lost and hurt that I can't even figure out which way is up. I feel like it's hard to breathe.
A couple days ago S's ex emailed her... which in return made S tell me that she's not over her ex. At first I thought that it was because it was an unexpected email since they hadn't talked in 2 1/2 years, so it must have thrown her for a loop. But last night, I found out that she has always known that she hasn't been over her, and there apparently have been times that she's wanted to tell me that, and now she can't hide it anymore. I've been in Richmond for 3 days.
Now I'm a very understanding person, and I also know that I would want someone to genuinely want to be with me, so we said that i'd give her time to figure out what she wants to do and where her head is. But that was before I knew that it was something that was already on her mind.
My head is spinning right now... it's difficult just to formulate a thought.
Anyway, I went over to her house last night so we could talk some more. I actually thought that I had a fighting chance, because I was comparing her story to the story of my ex Joy... and how she and I broke up and got back together quite a few times. It wouldn't matter if I was with someone or not, as soon as she came back around, I was hooked, but it was always so pointless and it wasted so much time. So I was explaining that to S, telling her that she and her ex had already tried things twice and that there were reasons that it didn't work out. And that it's understandable that because her ex had suddenly made this surprise entrance back into her world, that it didn't have to mean that everything was going to fall apart.
Seriously... I can't even get through writing one paragraph without my head just spinning. I can't believe that I thought I was going to her house to comfort her and to try to smooth things over, only to find out that maybe we didn't have what I thought we did. After my entire speech about how her ex doens't have to ruin everything, I ask her if she thinks that we are missing anything. As far as I knew we werent. I asked her this because I wanted to know if her ex hadnt shown up, would there really be any reason for us to worry. I had to hear her seperate the conflict in her mind, seperate what we have from her feelings about her ex. She said no, at first. I told her that if there is something missing, that this is the time to tell me, because we're getting everything out now, and we need to be completely honest. Then I see her body shift. Ok, she has something to tell me. I'm thinking, whatever it is, it must be something small because we've been so happy together, and whatever it is, we'll be able to just work on it together. At this point, I'm not worried to hear what she has to say. And then she drops a bomb on me. And it's just sitting there between us and I'm scared to move. She tells me that she has been struggling with the fact that during the weekends that we've spent together (which were usually 3 and 4 days together), by the 3rd or 4th day, she was ready for me to leave.
I also found out that she had a pretty lenghty conversation with the ex the day before, and she said that she couldn't bring herself to tell the ex that she was dating someone. I had thought previously that they had had a quick conversation, and that she basically didn't have the time to tell her. But she did have the time, they talked for at least an hour she said. And she said that shouldn't have been so hard for her to tell her ex.
So I have two strikes against me in 2 days. She can't be around me for very long without actually neeeding her alone time, and she has never gotten over her ex who just suddenly appeared in her world again. We're supposed to be taking time to just think things over before we make any decisions to end things, a few days or something. But I just don't really see where I have a choice in the matter. I think her mind is made up, she's just not ready to say it yet.
I know that I was originally not moving to Richmond because of her, but she became such a big part of it. She became the biggest part of what I thought my happiness would be here. And 4 days into the big move, I'm losing her. I feel like my security is being ripped out from under me. This is all just so unexpected. I just keep thinking back to how happy I thought we were. And we were really so happy. I guess in the grand scheme of things, we weren't even together that long, but man I had just never felt so safe and connected to someone, ever.
She has said that she's scared of losing me, that she doesn't want me to ever go away. But I don't know how I'm supposed to stick around while she rekindles things with her ex. I just feel like everything is just one more jab through the heart. I'll be thinking about one thing, and then my mind shifts to another part of the hurt and I lose my breath again. It's all just so in my face right now that I don't know how to escape it. I'm in a foreign place that doesn't feel like home yet, and I've lost the person that was supposed to make this move easier on me. I was always excited about moving, but I was also always terrified, and I put my strength in her. I just feel like this is another lesson in learning that you really can't trust anyone except yourself. And I'm surrounded by happy couples here. My roommates are so madly in love. I'm absolutely terrified of New Years coming up. I was so looking foward to being with her for all of that, and then her birthday is 4 days later, and I was just so excited about all of that.
What the fuck do I do now? I feel like I'm being tested to see how strong I am, and it's funny because SquirtyB just said the same thing to me, that she thinks I'm being tested to show myself that I can do it on my own. But I'm tired of being tested. Yes, I know that life will go on and I'll be fine at some point, and I'll make new friends here and build a life for myself here, and even learn to enjoy myself here. But I'm tired of being tested. I'm tired of having to tell myself that 'life will go on, I don't need them.' All I want is to find my partner. That's all I've ever wanted. I want that feeling of belonging to someone else. I already know that I can do things on my own, that's never been a question. I'm more used to doing things on my own than with someone else. I just feel like I'm such a good person and I try so hard to do things right, and I really did think that I'd found something special this time. And when you connect with someone... your whole being connects with them, including your strength and identity. So now I'm going to feel the weight of losing part of myself as we break apart, and I have to find the strength to just stand on my own again, and find the strength to deal with this whole move and finding myself here, all at once.
She said last night that she can't change that something bothers her, she can't change that she still has feelings for someone else, and she can't change that she still loves me. It's just the way it is, and it's making her feel crazy. I don't know. Maybe time will tell how this all plays out... but it really fucking hurts right now.
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