Mama... mama... mama... WHAT???... hi. :)

Oh... Mama.  Oh dear....

So things about my relationship with my mother have been recently brought to my attention by some outsiders.  Things that I didn't even realize.  It's amazing how much someone else's few comments can be like a huge lightbulb flashing in front of your eyes in the middle of the night. 

I have been involved in some marketing groups recently, one of them called "The Geekettes Club" which is basically a big group of women who are business owners or others of the like who are wanting a place to market themselves, and meet other women who are empowering and supportive.  We meet once a month, and I've been involved in the group for about 4 months.  I've met so many amazing women, and everyone is just so supportive of me and what I do, and it's definitely been something I look foward to every month.  My mom decided to join as well, and has gone to a couple of the meetings with me.  My experience in these meetings is very different, depending on if my mom is with me or not.  And I didn't even realize how much differernt until someone else pointed it out to me.  The leader of the Geekettes and I have gotten close.  She is an amazing woman.  She's from Australia (which is why I love talking to her, I could listen to her accent forever hehe) and she's traveled all over the world before settling here with her hubby.  She is amazing with marketing and ideas, and just one of those really great motivating people.  I've done her hair, and her sister's hair as well, so while I've been at her house we've had time to chat.  After meeting me and my mom at least twice, she asked me if I'm an only child.  I thought it an odd question, and said no, I have one little sister.  She said that my mom acts like she's a show mom, like she is constantly trying to sell me to everyone we meet, and that I act completely different when I'm with her.  I just kinda stood there, thinking to myself, and realizing how much this is true.

After our first meeting with the Geekettes, I was livid with my mother.  I just had no idea that it was so apparent to everyone else.  She is completely smothering when we are together.  We are both there to market ourselves, and during the mingling part of the meeting, she is attached to my hip and introducing me to everyone we meet, telling everyone what I do and how great I am and how talented I am and "here take her business card, she'll come to your house and do your kids' hair too and your husband's hair, are you married?  Kelly is just great with kids, and with men's haircuts, and she's great with your short women's cuts, see??  Look at my hair!  she does my hair, and she's also great with long hair and color....ETC."  I know that she means well, and that she really is proud of me, but she makes me look like I can't speak for myself.  At one point during that first meeting I gracefully took her arm in my hand and SQUEEEEEZED firmly in an effort to tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP MOM. She just looked at me and giggled, and shut up for about a minute, then started right back up with the next person we met.  On the way home I told her that I was seriously about to lose my shit in there, and that I couldn't even get a word in and it makes me look like I'm this little kid with no experience and that I probably have no idea what I'm doing.  She just said that she was trying to help me and that she's used to me being this little shy girl... but I've come so far from being that little shy girl and I guess that she just has no idea.  I know that she means well, but she's just completely overwhelming.

Then, as of late, I'm getting even more and more frustrated with her.  She is soooo nosey.  I didn't even realize how much until I had moved back in with her.  It's of course gotten 20million times worse since I've moved back in, because I'm now a part of her everyday life, so she wants to know everything that's going on with everything.  If she's leaving early for work in the morning, she wakes me up just to ask me what I'm doing that day, even if I've already told her.  Just yesterday she woke me up to say 'don't forget to mow the lawn' even though I had told her the night before that it was the first thing I was planning on doing with my day.  If I'm at home during the day and she is too, she'll literally check in on me at least 3 times just to ask 'what are you doing?'  and it leaves me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells in my own house.  This is a daily thing for me.  Over the past two weeks, Mom and her husband have been going outta town a lot, and you wouldn't believe how much more at ease I feel in general.  This past weekend, they were gone from Thursday through Monday.  It was like I could breathe again. 

After much frustration with my mom asking me repeatedly what am I doing to further my business and what am I planning on doing with my life and what are my plans for the future and what am I doing to get there, I broke down and yelled out 'I'M MOVING TO RICHMOND!'  It turned into this huge screaming fit, she is the only person in this entire world who can get me so worked up that I actually have to scream.  I am usually so laid back and easy going in general, but she makes me feel like my chest is going to explode, like if I don't scream I won't be able to breathe.  So yeah... she flipped out with that one, and started acting like she was about to cry, just saying 'I don't want you to keep making bad choices Kelly...  I'm just so worried about you...  you just keep making bad decisions."  I lost it at that point, and full on started screaming at her.  She said that she thinks I'm running away... and that I'm not going to find myself somewhere else.  I need to have my stuff in order first, I need to be able to find myself here.  I completely disagree.  I've hated it here ever since I knew I might someday have a choice.  I think that at 26 years of age, if I'm not happy with my life, I should damn well do something about it.  I should get up and move.  I should go find myself.  I should follow my heart.  This is fucking age to do that!  Life doesn't always have to be by the book, by now, I know that first hand.  I told her that there is nothing for me here.  And there isn't.  I have felt like I'm done with this place for years, but never had the guts to do something about it.  I just wanted to wait for someone or something to give me a reason to move away.  But I'm done with that.  I love it there, I never want to leave when I'm there, and it's my time to really do something that I know in my heart will be good for me.

I told myself at the beginning of this year that this was my year.  And it's something that I have repeated in my head to myself on many occassions this year.  This is my year to find myself, to find happiness, to hopefully find love, but most importantly, just to find where it is I'm supposed to be, and what path I'm supposed to be on.  I can't let my overly controlling mother make me feel like this isn't what I'm supposed to do.  I know she means well, but she and I look at life so differently.  Right now I'm craving adventure, and I'm craving the feeling of just feeling alive.  I want to make mistakes and learn from them, and I want to feel like it's ok to do that.  And I do feel like it's ok.  Life is about living and learning, not just constantly trying to do everything right. 

So anyway (and I apologize this is like the longest post ever haha), I went and saw a good friend the other day, T, to do her hair.  She's my trainer, and I also wrote about her in this post.  She's about 20 years my senior, but she's someone who I feel like I can always talk to about anything.  I love going to see her, we always exchange stories about the new ladies in our lives, since we're both doing the online dating thing.  She's recently come out to herself, and to others, and she has asked me on more than one occassion "sooo...  why are women so crazy?'  hahaha.  She cracks me up.  But back to my subject.  She's met my mom now a few times, I invited T to one of the marketing events with me, and my mom is now consulting with her for training and diet stuff.  So anyway, when I went to see her without my mom being there, I told her about my plans for moving to Richmond, and she was so excited for me.  "You're gonna still come do my hair right?" hehe.. that was her one and only concern.  But when she started asking me details about it.. she said.. "is it so that you can get away from your mom?"  and i just stood there thinking... uhhh... what?  And then it came out.  This was the second person that has commented on my relationship with my mother within the past month, and they have been the ones to bring it up, not me.  But T told me that I am a completely different person when she's with me.  My posture changes, my arms kinda turn forward and my hands are constantly in fists, like I'm defensively ready for a confrontation or a fight. She said that I don't smile nearly as much as I usually do, that I seem to just shut down, and give quick responses to whatever we're talking about.  She said that it's the same way during all of the times she's seen me with her.  That really made me take a step back from doing her hair, and I just stood there and thought for a while.  She's right.  I am totally more at ease when my mom is not there, or even the subject of conversation.  Man..  it's just crazy to hear it from someone else. 

I love my mom, but there is no greater stress in my life right now than her.  I know she doesn't mean it, but she is just so overwhelming and stressful and completely smothering.  I haven't even told her yet about my new girl, and I would have usually told her all the details by now.  I just need privacy right now.  I need time away and without her being so far up my ass.  It's exhausting.