Ok has anyone been watching Armagedon week on the history channel this week? It's like a bad car accident, I don't want to look at it but I have to... I simply can't make myself not watch it. Omg it's freaking me out. It just keeps talking about all the different ways the world could end in 2012. I mean they are talking about everything from giant meteors to super volcanoes to talking about how the sun will be directly at the center of our universe which will dramatically change our orbit and all this crazy stuff.
I personally believe it's all a bunch of hype, or at least I'm telling myself that everytime my heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest thinking that it could all actually be over soon. But they're talking so much about Nostradamus and his predictions and prophecies, and they keep reciting so many of his different Quatrains (his book of prophecies). They talk about how he predicted so many different things, starting with the death of the king during his life time, and even things lik the JFK shooting and Clinton's adultery. They of course have said that he predicted 9/11. But don't you think that if these predictions were actually already there plain as day that we would have done something about it in advance? That's just where I think it's all a hoax of some sort. People read up on his predictions and then after an event happens, they compare his words to what happened, and a lot of it really could have been talking about anything. Nothing is ever clear, and further more the date in 2012 doesn't ever appear in his writings. I think that people as a whole are just looking to believe in something that is beyond their own understanding. That's not to say that something couldn't happen, but I just think that they're making a bigger deal over this than their maybe needs to be.
If ya'll have been watching these shows, you'd know what I'm talking about. It all just seems to be so much for shock value. I mean they are going all out, thinking up every possible scenario that could damage or extinguish our earth. Of course all of these things could happen, most of them already have happened hundreds of thousands of years ago.
I'm not at all saying that because I don't fully believe it that it can't be real, but I just think people listen too much without thinking on their own. It just all seems to be so dramatic. It all is very interesting to watch, and I'm definitely interested to hear new developments on the whole doomsday issue, but there's just still this big voice in my head saying... Come on! Calm down, take a seat.
What do you all think about it all?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I'm excited.
So after reading Tanya's post at Learning to Live as Love, it got me thinking about how I really don't have that many lesbian friends. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I would really like to change that. Most of my friends are straight, and I love them, but it really is different when you have a friend who is the same sexuality as you are. I'm not ungrateful for the friends I do have, but still, it's just different.
I have had reservations about trying to make friends within the lesbian community around here. Of course, the obvious place that you think of to meet lesbians is the local lesbian bars. I haven't had the greatest experiences there. I've been to two different bars, two times each, and I just never really felt comfortable there. I've always been shy, must worse when I was younger, but still shy now none the less, and I don't talk to strangers very easily. Mostly all of the ladies there seemed to already know each other, and it seemed to be a lot of drama going around... I don't know, I just didn't feel like I fit in. I've never really been a bar person, and since I don't have that many lesbian friends, I don't have anyone to go with... etc. Plus I have absolutely no game lol... I'm too shy for that. Yes of course alcohol helps with feeling like you have game, but still. I'm just shy I guess. The whole scene just felt too intimidating to me.
So I remembered a long time ago someone mentioning meetup.com, so i decided to go on there and look up local lesbian groups. I found a huge one, over 500 members that are all in the area, and they do a lot of social gatherings. I looked through their pictures from past meet ups and they just all look really nice. So I signed up! I'm nervous about it, but I'm just make myself go and keep a smile on my face.
I'm just really in the mood to LIVE lately. I want to broaden my horizons as much as I can. I feel like I'm just missing out on so much just because I've let myself keep up these barriers. Not really barriers, as much as... well I don't even know what I'm trying to get at here. But since I'm a hairstylist, it has forced me to have to talk with strangers one on one all the time, when I'm with clients. So that has definitely helped me get over some of my scaredycat-shyness issues. But yeah. I just want to meet new people and learn new things and experience things that I was always too scared to do before (yes I'm still talking about how I was scared to talk to strangers haha). Anyway, I'm excited about trying something new, and maybe making some new friends. Has anyone ever tried the meetup.com things in their area? What are your thoughts?
I have had reservations about trying to make friends within the lesbian community around here. Of course, the obvious place that you think of to meet lesbians is the local lesbian bars. I haven't had the greatest experiences there. I've been to two different bars, two times each, and I just never really felt comfortable there. I've always been shy, must worse when I was younger, but still shy now none the less, and I don't talk to strangers very easily. Mostly all of the ladies there seemed to already know each other, and it seemed to be a lot of drama going around... I don't know, I just didn't feel like I fit in. I've never really been a bar person, and since I don't have that many lesbian friends, I don't have anyone to go with... etc. Plus I have absolutely no game lol... I'm too shy for that. Yes of course alcohol helps with feeling like you have game, but still. I'm just shy I guess. The whole scene just felt too intimidating to me.
So I remembered a long time ago someone mentioning meetup.com, so i decided to go on there and look up local lesbian groups. I found a huge one, over 500 members that are all in the area, and they do a lot of social gatherings. I looked through their pictures from past meet ups and they just all look really nice. So I signed up! I'm nervous about it, but I'm just make myself go and keep a smile on my face.
I'm just really in the mood to LIVE lately. I want to broaden my horizons as much as I can. I feel like I'm just missing out on so much just because I've let myself keep up these barriers. Not really barriers, as much as... well I don't even know what I'm trying to get at here. But since I'm a hairstylist, it has forced me to have to talk with strangers one on one all the time, when I'm with clients. So that has definitely helped me get over some of my scaredycat-shyness issues. But yeah. I just want to meet new people and learn new things and experience things that I was always too scared to do before (yes I'm still talking about how I was scared to talk to strangers haha). Anyway, I'm excited about trying something new, and maybe making some new friends. Has anyone ever tried the meetup.com things in their area? What are your thoughts?
Monday, January 4, 2010
The ongoing battle.
So my sister and I haven't been getting along at all. She's younger than me, she's just turned 22 last October. We actually haven't ever really gotten along, not as much as I would have liked. When we were young, she always annoyed me. She would always get me in trouble with mom for not including her in things, typical little sister stuff, I guess that's pretty common. But as we've gotten older, she still has the 'baby of the family' mentality, and my parents are continuing to baby her. My dad especially.
But anyway, she's making a lot of really bad decisions with her life. She's just continuing to be extremely irresponsible with her life in so many different ways. She's lying to everything and just telling anyone who will listen exactly what they need to hear to 'take her side' and make her feel better about what she's doing. It's become such a downward spiral, and no one even knows what to do anymore to help her to just grow up and start taking some responsibility. She expects my parents and me to just pick up her pieces and isn't ever even grateful for us doing something for her. For example, she parked her car in a resident's parking spot at her new apartment before she had the sticker on her car. There was a guest parking spot about 5 spots down, but she didn't want to have to walk that far. So of course, her car got towed overnight, and guess who had to pay for it? I did, $125 that she just fully expected me to just hand over. She demanded it by saying that she needed it that day or the next day it would be an additional $125. I told her she needed to ask dad for the money, and she said she was scared to call him because he was already mad at her. I asked her why, and she said because her license is suspended. That's just to start.
When her boyfriend drover her to my house to pick up the money (which she was highly pissed off that I couldn't bring it to her, didn't matter that I had a client on her way to my house) she burst in the front door and started yelling "Kelly! I need the money, hurry up! And I left my coat here last time, get my coat!" I was mortified, since everyone in the house heard her. She's so rude and demanding and she didn't even say thank you when I handed her the money. I'm just so over her rudeness.
Anyway, Christmas rolls around, and we make nice in front of our relatives, and even had a good time. Well she was flashing her camera all night and she took a bunch of pictures of all of us, cousins and so on. Well, a few of the pictures that she took of me, well they were really bad. Really bad angles or lighting... and I told her to delete them. Well instead of deleting them, she posted them all on facebook and tagged me in them. When I saw them, I was almost in tears. I'm not overly self conscious, but I'm not too excited about my body right now, and it's like these pictures made me look even 10 times worse than I actually look, and she knew it too. So I untagged myself, and wrote her a short and sweet email saying 'ok, no more tagging me in pictures on facebook unless I ok it first. Some of those pics were really horrible and you should know which ones I'd want posted on here. thank you.' Her reply: Well Kelly, by now you might know that I don't give a shit.
I don't even know why it's gotten so bad between us, and why she thinks that it's ok to talk to anyone like that, much less her own sister, the person that has always been there for her. I've gotten her out of so many problems, I even got her a job at my salon about a year ago, which turned out to be a horribly embarrassing fiasco for me. She didn't last 2 days.
So now my mom is wanting us to have a family meeting or something. I'm pretty much to the point where I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore, but I've agreed to have a sit down with her and my mom and my cousin to see what is going on with her. But this will be my last attempt at trying to have an actual relationship with her, after this it'll be up to her to come to me and try to smooth things over. I just think that it's ridiculous that it's coming to this, when I haven't done anything but help her, and she just acts like I'm the enemy. Not sure yet when we're having the meeting, but I'm sure I'll have much to write about when it happens.
But anyway, she's making a lot of really bad decisions with her life. She's just continuing to be extremely irresponsible with her life in so many different ways. She's lying to everything and just telling anyone who will listen exactly what they need to hear to 'take her side' and make her feel better about what she's doing. It's become such a downward spiral, and no one even knows what to do anymore to help her to just grow up and start taking some responsibility. She expects my parents and me to just pick up her pieces and isn't ever even grateful for us doing something for her. For example, she parked her car in a resident's parking spot at her new apartment before she had the sticker on her car. There was a guest parking spot about 5 spots down, but she didn't want to have to walk that far. So of course, her car got towed overnight, and guess who had to pay for it? I did, $125 that she just fully expected me to just hand over. She demanded it by saying that she needed it that day or the next day it would be an additional $125. I told her she needed to ask dad for the money, and she said she was scared to call him because he was already mad at her. I asked her why, and she said because her license is suspended. That's just to start.
When her boyfriend drover her to my house to pick up the money (which she was highly pissed off that I couldn't bring it to her, didn't matter that I had a client on her way to my house) she burst in the front door and started yelling "Kelly! I need the money, hurry up! And I left my coat here last time, get my coat!" I was mortified, since everyone in the house heard her. She's so rude and demanding and she didn't even say thank you when I handed her the money. I'm just so over her rudeness.
Anyway, Christmas rolls around, and we make nice in front of our relatives, and even had a good time. Well she was flashing her camera all night and she took a bunch of pictures of all of us, cousins and so on. Well, a few of the pictures that she took of me, well they were really bad. Really bad angles or lighting... and I told her to delete them. Well instead of deleting them, she posted them all on facebook and tagged me in them. When I saw them, I was almost in tears. I'm not overly self conscious, but I'm not too excited about my body right now, and it's like these pictures made me look even 10 times worse than I actually look, and she knew it too. So I untagged myself, and wrote her a short and sweet email saying 'ok, no more tagging me in pictures on facebook unless I ok it first. Some of those pics were really horrible and you should know which ones I'd want posted on here. thank you.' Her reply: Well Kelly, by now you might know that I don't give a shit.
I don't even know why it's gotten so bad between us, and why she thinks that it's ok to talk to anyone like that, much less her own sister, the person that has always been there for her. I've gotten her out of so many problems, I even got her a job at my salon about a year ago, which turned out to be a horribly embarrassing fiasco for me. She didn't last 2 days.
So now my mom is wanting us to have a family meeting or something. I'm pretty much to the point where I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore, but I've agreed to have a sit down with her and my mom and my cousin to see what is going on with her. But this will be my last attempt at trying to have an actual relationship with her, after this it'll be up to her to come to me and try to smooth things over. I just think that it's ridiculous that it's coming to this, when I haven't done anything but help her, and she just acts like I'm the enemy. Not sure yet when we're having the meeting, but I'm sure I'll have much to write about when it happens.
My friend.
I have a friend, J, who is just amazing.
I met her about a year and a half ago. Our first meeting was actually a coffee date at a Barnes and Noble. It was obvious to me when I first met her that she was something special, even if she didn't know it. We became quick friends, and right away I knew I'd made a great friend that I'd always be able to lean on or count on. She helped me get through quite a few crying fits over the crazy ex's. She always had something constructive to say, and somehow I always felt so much more at ease after just one talk with her. She's also a single mother of one little adorable boy, who is her world. You should see his smile! He's so full of life, just like his mother.
I met her about a year and a half ago. Our first meeting was actually a coffee date at a Barnes and Noble. It was obvious to me when I first met her that she was something special, even if she didn't know it. We became quick friends, and right away I knew I'd made a great friend that I'd always be able to lean on or count on. She helped me get through quite a few crying fits over the crazy ex's. She always had something constructive to say, and somehow I always felt so much more at ease after just one talk with her. She's also a single mother of one little adorable boy, who is her world. You should see his smile! He's so full of life, just like his mother.
We've slightly fallen out of touch in the past few months, other than read each other's blogs from time to time, but I've just found out that she's going through a really rough time, and I just want her to know: J, I think the world of you. You are a wonderful person, friend, mother, and good things are coming to you. Everything happens for a reason, and you have to just look back on it as lessons learned and be grateful for everything that you still have going for you (a lot!!!!!). I'll always be there for you as you were for me, and I can't wait to rekindle our friendship. J! You are awesome and I'm presenting you with these two awards that I picked out just for you.
Post them on your blog and feel free to pass them on!
J, you're amazing, and don't you forget that.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year! Part 1-The Girl
I always wait too long to update... and in my mind I'm listing all of these things that I want to write about and I never get around to doing it until it's just so much that I end up writing novels. I do apologize if it annoys any of my readers lol. But for the holiday posts, I'll break it up into different posts. This first one is about the girl, and then we'll move on into Christmas in the next one.
The girl, C. What a sweetheart. She lives 4 hours north of me, and we'd been talking for the better part of December. I believe I've already mentioned her in my last post. So we made plans to meet up for the first time on the weekend right after Christmas. I went up to see her, and she got a hotel for 2 nights. She totally treated me the whole weekend, paid for all of our meals and outtings, and I actually had to fight her off when I insisted on paying for the movie we went to see, and the popcorn and goodies. She was very nice, and I felt comfortable around her pretty instantly. She was pretty shy, but slowly was able to open up throughout the weekend. I left Monday to come home, and something changed in her from that instant on. She seemed to get very depressed and stressed out, pretty much out of no where. Tuesday morning started it off, first it was that everyone was fighting at work, then it was that her best friend Mike was probably going to be mad at her for coming to see me for new years, then it was some misunderstanding between the two of us about how long she'd be staying for new years weekend here at my place, and how she needed time to herself to get some stuff done, which I was fine with, but then she just seemed to get totally stressed out about the fact that she was having to explain herself and didn't want me to think that she was making up excuses and etc. It was just a lot of 'woah' out of no where. So I did my best to try to smooth things over and put a smile on her face, and get her excited about coming to see me for new years.
I plan on having my best friend and her boyfriend over, and C was gonna drive straight here from work, planning on being here by 10pm on New Years Eve. I'm making a big dinner, with homemade pesto alfredo pasta, roasted chicken, sauted green beans, and even brownie sundays for dessert. I love cooking for people. Anyway, best friend and her boyfriend got here around 9, we had a couple beers and I finished cooking everything, and C got here a little after 10. She was all huffy puffy when she got here, carrying her bags up to my room, she just already seemed annoyed or tired or something. I tried to just ignore it, and went back into the kitchen. She came in and I made the introductions around the room, and then she started making drinks for herself and me. We had cosmo mix and vodka and peach shnapps leftover from the previous weekend, so she made drinks with that. Well... she ended up drinking way too much way too fast, and was pretty much hanging all over me all night. We were playing cards after dinner, up until the ball dropped, and she grabbed the cards at one point and started trying to do card tricks, that inevitably kept coming up wrong. She ended up getting mad at the cards... and the whole night just went downhill from there. Midnight rolls around, and she lays one on me... a big juicy one, and just kept at it even when I tried to pull away... she ended up falling over on me, and then complaining that my best friend and her boyfriend were getting a 'real kiss' and insisting that I kiss her more. It was just so over the top. Bestie kept looking at me like... what's wrong with her? and I was just so embarrassed for her. I don't know if she'd just had a bad week or if she was nervous about meeting my friends or what, but she just got so trashed really fast and I didn't even know how to control her haha. We ended up just going to bed around 1 after I cleaned up and Bestie left, and she started crying when I didn't want to..uh... ya know... and she rolled over and passed out. She was just so drunk and I knew I just couldn't do that, she probably wouldn't have remembered anyway. The next day, she slept until 4 in the afternoon in my bed, and got up at 3 different times to throw up. Yeah, quite a new years haha. When she finally did get up, I was just sitting downstairs watching tv with my roommate, and she came down here smelling like death and wanted to cuddle up to me on the couch. This is only my second time hanging out with her, and I felt so bad but I just couldn't help but be annoyed, for lack of a less harsh word. But do you know what I mean? I mean I'm not a mean person, but come on. So I sent her upstairs to shower, saying it'd make her feel better. After she came back down, I suggested we go get something to eat, just to get outta the house, and we ended up just going to ihop after driving around for a good 20 minutes and me offering different places as choices to eat and everytime she'd say 'just whatever you want is fine.' That's another thing that I've realized I can't deal with, I don't want to always be the one who makes all of the decisions in a relationship. I don't want to feel like I always have to take the lead just because she's too scared to have an opinion that might not be agreeable to me. Sidenote, sorry. So at dinner, she's basically just sitting in silence, hasn't smiled at all since she woke up, and I'm doing all I can to lighten the mood and try to slice away some of the awkwardness that she's just laying on so thick. It finally comes down to me having to say, 'Ok babe, what is it. What's wrong?' and she can't even look at me but she says she's sad because she's feeling distant from me and has no idea why I'm acting like I want to have nothing to do with her. I literally had to steer the conversation away from that topic because I was scared that she was going to have a breakdown right in the middle of ihop. The conversation is just somewhat of a fog now, but I had to explain to her that I don't know what has happened but that she's not the same bubbly girl that I originally started talking to, and that I'd love to help her figure out why, but that I was wondering if maybe I just don't bring out the best in her, or maybe she just has too much on her plate right now, or maybe she's just not really ready to start something new yet, still hanging on too tightly to her previous heartaches. Anyway, long story short, we ended up saying we'd shoot for a friendship at this point, and she ended up just packing her bags and going home when we got back from ihop. I felt horrible, because she broke down as I tried to talk her into staying at least til morning because I didn't want her driving home for 4 hours while being so upset.. but she just couldn't shake it. I did everything I could to try to calm her down, I said we could even just stay in and watch movies all night, no pressure, but everything I said just seemed to upset her more. She left, and thankfully got home safely.
I wrote her a pretty lengthy email over facebook saying how sorry I was and how I'd never meant to hurt her and all this stuff, and as I was writing it, I was realizing more and more things about what I need from a partner. Speaking of which, I guess it just goes with the territory of being picky and actually looking for a soulmate instead of someone to just pass the time with, but I'm getting tired of everyone that I've been dating just being one more lesson of something that I don't want. But anyway, I realized that as much as I need someone who's sweet, I need someone with a strong personality as well. I feel that I am both of those things as well, but I need someone who's even stronger willed than I am maybe. Of course this is all just brainstorming and more or less 'talking to myself' haha. But as sweet as she started off to be, I couldn't handle being with someone who was more whiney than I am. Sooooooo... such is life, and I'm right back to where I started, dragging with me now a little guilt for hurting her, and a little more knowledge of what I'll be looking for in the future. Not how I expected my new years to go, but one can only be hopeful for the future.
The girl, C. What a sweetheart. She lives 4 hours north of me, and we'd been talking for the better part of December. I believe I've already mentioned her in my last post. So we made plans to meet up for the first time on the weekend right after Christmas. I went up to see her, and she got a hotel for 2 nights. She totally treated me the whole weekend, paid for all of our meals and outtings, and I actually had to fight her off when I insisted on paying for the movie we went to see, and the popcorn and goodies. She was very nice, and I felt comfortable around her pretty instantly. She was pretty shy, but slowly was able to open up throughout the weekend. I left Monday to come home, and something changed in her from that instant on. She seemed to get very depressed and stressed out, pretty much out of no where. Tuesday morning started it off, first it was that everyone was fighting at work, then it was that her best friend Mike was probably going to be mad at her for coming to see me for new years, then it was some misunderstanding between the two of us about how long she'd be staying for new years weekend here at my place, and how she needed time to herself to get some stuff done, which I was fine with, but then she just seemed to get totally stressed out about the fact that she was having to explain herself and didn't want me to think that she was making up excuses and etc. It was just a lot of 'woah' out of no where. So I did my best to try to smooth things over and put a smile on her face, and get her excited about coming to see me for new years.
I plan on having my best friend and her boyfriend over, and C was gonna drive straight here from work, planning on being here by 10pm on New Years Eve. I'm making a big dinner, with homemade pesto alfredo pasta, roasted chicken, sauted green beans, and even brownie sundays for dessert. I love cooking for people. Anyway, best friend and her boyfriend got here around 9, we had a couple beers and I finished cooking everything, and C got here a little after 10. She was all huffy puffy when she got here, carrying her bags up to my room, she just already seemed annoyed or tired or something. I tried to just ignore it, and went back into the kitchen. She came in and I made the introductions around the room, and then she started making drinks for herself and me. We had cosmo mix and vodka and peach shnapps leftover from the previous weekend, so she made drinks with that. Well... she ended up drinking way too much way too fast, and was pretty much hanging all over me all night. We were playing cards after dinner, up until the ball dropped, and she grabbed the cards at one point and started trying to do card tricks, that inevitably kept coming up wrong. She ended up getting mad at the cards... and the whole night just went downhill from there. Midnight rolls around, and she lays one on me... a big juicy one, and just kept at it even when I tried to pull away... she ended up falling over on me, and then complaining that my best friend and her boyfriend were getting a 'real kiss' and insisting that I kiss her more. It was just so over the top. Bestie kept looking at me like... what's wrong with her? and I was just so embarrassed for her. I don't know if she'd just had a bad week or if she was nervous about meeting my friends or what, but she just got so trashed really fast and I didn't even know how to control her haha. We ended up just going to bed around 1 after I cleaned up and Bestie left, and she started crying when I didn't want to..uh... ya know... and she rolled over and passed out. She was just so drunk and I knew I just couldn't do that, she probably wouldn't have remembered anyway. The next day, she slept until 4 in the afternoon in my bed, and got up at 3 different times to throw up. Yeah, quite a new years haha. When she finally did get up, I was just sitting downstairs watching tv with my roommate, and she came down here smelling like death and wanted to cuddle up to me on the couch. This is only my second time hanging out with her, and I felt so bad but I just couldn't help but be annoyed, for lack of a less harsh word. But do you know what I mean? I mean I'm not a mean person, but come on. So I sent her upstairs to shower, saying it'd make her feel better. After she came back down, I suggested we go get something to eat, just to get outta the house, and we ended up just going to ihop after driving around for a good 20 minutes and me offering different places as choices to eat and everytime she'd say 'just whatever you want is fine.' That's another thing that I've realized I can't deal with, I don't want to always be the one who makes all of the decisions in a relationship. I don't want to feel like I always have to take the lead just because she's too scared to have an opinion that might not be agreeable to me. Sidenote, sorry. So at dinner, she's basically just sitting in silence, hasn't smiled at all since she woke up, and I'm doing all I can to lighten the mood and try to slice away some of the awkwardness that she's just laying on so thick. It finally comes down to me having to say, 'Ok babe, what is it. What's wrong?' and she can't even look at me but she says she's sad because she's feeling distant from me and has no idea why I'm acting like I want to have nothing to do with her. I literally had to steer the conversation away from that topic because I was scared that she was going to have a breakdown right in the middle of ihop. The conversation is just somewhat of a fog now, but I had to explain to her that I don't know what has happened but that she's not the same bubbly girl that I originally started talking to, and that I'd love to help her figure out why, but that I was wondering if maybe I just don't bring out the best in her, or maybe she just has too much on her plate right now, or maybe she's just not really ready to start something new yet, still hanging on too tightly to her previous heartaches. Anyway, long story short, we ended up saying we'd shoot for a friendship at this point, and she ended up just packing her bags and going home when we got back from ihop. I felt horrible, because she broke down as I tried to talk her into staying at least til morning because I didn't want her driving home for 4 hours while being so upset.. but she just couldn't shake it. I did everything I could to try to calm her down, I said we could even just stay in and watch movies all night, no pressure, but everything I said just seemed to upset her more. She left, and thankfully got home safely.
I wrote her a pretty lengthy email over facebook saying how sorry I was and how I'd never meant to hurt her and all this stuff, and as I was writing it, I was realizing more and more things about what I need from a partner. Speaking of which, I guess it just goes with the territory of being picky and actually looking for a soulmate instead of someone to just pass the time with, but I'm getting tired of everyone that I've been dating just being one more lesson of something that I don't want. But anyway, I realized that as much as I need someone who's sweet, I need someone with a strong personality as well. I feel that I am both of those things as well, but I need someone who's even stronger willed than I am maybe. Of course this is all just brainstorming and more or less 'talking to myself' haha. But as sweet as she started off to be, I couldn't handle being with someone who was more whiney than I am. Sooooooo... such is life, and I'm right back to where I started, dragging with me now a little guilt for hurting her, and a little more knowledge of what I'll be looking for in the future. Not how I expected my new years to go, but one can only be hopeful for the future.
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