Dreams.

I had a really weird dream last night and I've been trying to figure it out all day.  It, of course, involved my ex.  We'll call her H.

A little background.  She and I dated off and on for a little over a year.  I originally started dating her in an effort to get over my ex before her, but I guess that's how a lot of relationships start off unfortunately.  Anyway, in my mind, she was safe.  She was a nice girl from a nice family.  Close with her sisters, and seemed to want all of the same things that I did in a future.  Kids, a house in the country, a nice family life.  She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, and was crazy about me right from the start.  I mistakenly left her a couple times to go back to the ex before her, the one I couldn't get over, the one who knew all of the right things to say and when to say them and who knew exactly how to get to me and break me down and make me feel crazy.  I'll talk more about her later.

Back to H.  I'm gonna try to simplify the story.  During one of the times I had left her, she started dating this other woman.  Whenever I talked to H about her, she said that she was nice, but that she didn't have an opinion of her own, H claimed that she couldn't take her in public without feeling embarrassed, that she was a pill popper, that she called into work at least once a week and was always on the verge of getting fired from her job for calling in and being lazy, she always had a headache (or something else to complain about).  The list went on and on of things she was unhappy with.  As lesbians stereotypically do, they ended up moving in together only a few months after dating.  During their relationship, H left her twice to come back to me, and we made plans for our life, and plans for moving in together and getting out of her lease and all that jazz.  I saw a life with her like I never had with anyone else.  I was planning on moving away from my hometown (which I never have before) with her to a small town we'd decided to live in, in the mountains.  Kids were going to be in our near future, but not soon enough for her.  She ended up leaving me for the final time when I said I wasn't ready to pop out the little ones just yet, I was still eager to have a real life with her, without all of the drama of our exes in our lives.  I wanted to be settled in our new home and with good jobs first.  She wasn't havin it.  Kids were to be had ASAP. 

She went back to the woman she was still living with.  The one she had all of the complaints about.  The one that was convenient and was too scared to stand up to her or put her foot down.  Maybe I'm wrong about their relationship, but this is the information I was presented with by H.  And I'm sure I was insecure during our relationship, but who wouldn't be?  she was still living with that woman, and our past as a couple was full of ups and downs.  I was just wanting things to calm down so we could be the happy couple that we both envisioned we could be.  Maybe it was wishful thinking.  It ended badly.  I didn't need to, but it did.  She left me the day before my birthday, and later wrote out horrible things about me, all of my insecurities about myself and secrets about myself on her blog.  It was definitely an attempt to destroy me, and it almost did.  there was no need for it, she had been the one to leave me afterall.  I'm over it now, I refuse to read her blog.  Not going to put myself through any of that again. 

I did have a dream about her last night though.  I had a dream that she came back, left that other woman.  In reality, I don't want this to happen, I know that we're just not right for each other, but in my dream I was happy.  We just sat and talked in the dream.  Just looked at each other and I felt comfort in her being there.  I don't want her back, there ended up being so many lies that surfaced...  etc.  typical breakup stuff.  I'm over it, but I think I just miss the closeness of having someone.  It's not her, it's just the idea I had of her, or the idea of what I really want.  I'm looking foward to finding my own idea of love. 

Staying put. and eating better. and marriage.

Well after all that stress and confusion, looks like I'm going to be staying right where I am.  I talked to my roommate tonight about the move coming up.  Or lack of one I should say now.

The wife asked me a couple days ago, "You're moving?" and I said yes...  she said why... and I said because I thought I had to...  she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about.  She told me that my roommate is staying and that I should stay too.  I asked the roommate about it tonight and he said that he's decided to stay and that I'm welcome to stay as long as I want.  I'm like... ummmm ok....  wtf was all of this for then?????????????

It's easier to stay than finding a new place and getting comfortable with a new roommate and the actual act of MOVING which I hate.  I am comfortable here, become good friends with a lot of the neighbors, and it's nice to have friends in walking distance. 

The wife left today, which makes me happy, and it'll be 4 months before she's home again, and even then she won't be living here.  She apparently wants time to herself for a while, wants to be on her own.  He's just agreeing to whatever she says.  They both are 'allowed' to 'date' while she's gone, this is her making these rules and him basically not having a choice if he wants to keep her, but he takes full advantage of the freedom.  This whole scenario is difficult to watch.  I'm single now, and don't know who I'll end up with, but chances are it'll be with a woman.  I want to be able to get married just as much as the next gal, and I'm not allowed to here.  But this is what marriage is in this splendid country.  A 20 year old 'wife' and a 32 year old 'husband' getting married out of convenience because she's in the army.  Just the other night, she went out with a neighbor, they wanted to go clubbing on a wednesday night.  They texted another one of our neighbors asking where should they go because the few places they went were closed, and then texted back a few minutes later 'nevermind, we're gonna stay out, just don't tell Chris (my roommate) that the bars are closed.'  They constantly lie to each other, and it's just disgusting.  I don't get it. 

Be proud!  I've been doing really well with food this week (except for the bbp party last night at my bosses's house).  Eating a lot of veggies and fruits, and absolutely no beef or pork all week. 

OH MY GOSH!!  i JUST saw a really awesome commercial thingy.  It was these two girls (nametags say Emma and Julia) sitting behind a counter working in a convenient store and one asks the other if she wants to hang out when they get outta work.  The other girl says no, that her parents want her to come directly home after work.  The first girl says 'ugh... that's so gay.'  A woman walks up to the counter and says 'wow..  That's so Emma and Julia.'  they ask why she's saying that, and she says 'well that's what people say when they're refering to something being stupid.  everyone says it.'  Emma and Julia look at each other confused and the screen goes black.  A voice says 'do you realize what you are saying when you say that's so gay? Knock it off."  haha.  i love it.

Anyway back to my diet for the week...  it's actually easy to do...  I haven't really had to fight any cravings.  Plus I'm saving money not ordering food everyday for lunch at work.  I swear we probably spend $50 a week just on lunch at work, we always order out.  hope everyone had a good weekend.

48 hours left, please fill this out!

http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/site/Survey?ACTION_REQUIRED=URI_ACTION_USER_REQUESTS&SURVEY_ID=2521&autologin=true

I'm a member of the HRC and I got this in an email from them.  Please take a minute to fill out the quick survey, there's only less than 2 days left to do this.  "we've launched a survey designed to give Congress and the president a first-hand look at how DOMA hurts the people we love."  

We're getting more and more states saying that we can marry, but then the Defense Against Marriage Act makes it so that the federal government still doesn't legally recognize the marriage, no matter where you are.  Do your part!  :-)

2 bad so far!

So that guy I was going to meet this morning to see if he'd be a good roommate...  ehhhhhh no.  The guy was really nice, but the house was a disaster.  He failed to tell me that the entire house was basically under renovations, including the room that he was offering to me.  Literally, every room had some kind of construction going on.  And the kitchen was a mess as well... like old food and dirty dishes laying out, from at least a few days.  So yeah... no go there.

I'm meeting with a girl tomorrow.  She's a vegetarian lesbian around my age.  Right up my alley.  We've been talking a lot through the week and she seems really layed back and nice too.  So MAYBEEEE that'll work out.  But with my streak of luck, I'm not getting my hopes up.  She has a cat, and I might be getting a kitten soon so that'll be cute.  Seriously, wish me luck.  Otherwise I may be stuck here for another month. 

Very awkwardly, my current roommate asked me to have dinner with him and his wife tonight.  They made hamburger helper (disgusting, but I ate it anyway) and we all sat in silence while some weird sex scene happened to be on tv.  I ate up quickly and brought my plate to the kitchen, thanked them for dinner and went to my room.  I'm not really sure why they invited me to eat with them...  it was jsut awkward.  Maybe he's hoping that we'll be friends when she leaves or something.  Who knows.  They won't actually tell me anything that's going on with the moving thing so...

confusion...

Yay i just saw that I have my first follower!!!  lol.  Yes. I'm easily excited.

Problem though.  I click on my follower and all it shows me is her recent activity and sites she's joined, but there's no way for me to see her blog.  Or maybe I'm just not looking hard enough?  Someone please explain to me how to look at someone's blog from my following list!  Does this even make sense?  I'm not even new to blogger but this is just confusing me for sure. 

Thanks!

Yay! Gotta start somewhere.

Ok so I've been working out this week and eat a hell of a lot better, and I've already lost 2 lbs!  Yes I know, it's only 2 lbs and I coulda lost that just by a good pee but hey.  Gotta start somewhere!  Luckily I actually enjoy eating the good for you yum yums like veggies and fruits.  I just have this weakness for fast food.  Fast food has truly been how I've gained my weight.  I wasn't allowed to eat it growing up, and then there was that one boyfriend (the last guy I ever dated) when I was 17-18 whose metabolism was through the roof and never gained a pound and always ate horribly.  So I started eating horribly with him, and it all went down hill from there.  I've gained around 60 lbs since high school.  I'm aware that I may never get that little high school body back but I want to get in a good shape for my body now.  What am I saying?  I'm only 25, I can do this.  No problem.  2 lbs down, 58 to go. 

I'm meeting another potential roommate this morning before I go into work at 11.  The last one was a nightmare, so creepy that I didn't even get out of my car.  But I've talked to this one a couple times on the phone and done extensive questionaire style emails back and forth to get to know each other.  He's a 38 year old gay guy from Texas, and he seems really down to earth and nice.  He owns the house, and another gay guy lives there with him who is 25.  They've already been living together for a year and get along really well.  He has a full gym set up in his garage and a hot tub in the backyard to relax in after workouts haha.  He said he wants someone to work out with him and I got so excited!  He's just gotten this hip hop work out video and wants someone to do it with him, and his other roommate won't lol.  This is gonna be quite a site, I'm about as white girl as they come when it comes to dancing.  So anyway, hopefully this works out and I can get outtaaaaa hereeeeeee!!  Wish me luck.

Happy Thoughts, Send them our way!

I'm a hairstylist, and I love my job.  I get to meet people from all walks of life that I would normally never get to have a conversation with, but as their trusted stylist, they confide in me sometimes things that they wouldn't tell their closest friends.  I love building these bonds with people, and I feel very lucky for that. 

Sandra has been a client of mine for about 2 years.  We've become close and even spent some time together outside of work.  She's in her mid 30s, owns a restaurant, runs a preschool, parties like a rock star, and in her 'spare time' (when???) she's put together this amazing fundraising association for people that have cancer in the area.  She's held a number of fundraisers, and the money they raise goes to families that are struggling because a family member has cancer.  She's only been doing this for about a year, but already she's helped so many.  I donated a few paintings to be auctioned off at a number of her benefits.  Her smile is completely addicting, she goes a mile a minute, and she's broken a number of ladies' hearts in the area.  She just can't be tied down!! I love her to pieces. 

Shae, Sandra's nephew, has been in the hospital for about a week now.  He's only 22 years old, and they've found a big tumor that's somehow wrapped itself around his lungs.  The tumor got so big before they even found it, that once they found it, they had to operate immediately.  Because it's wrapped around his lungs, they can't fully remove it, and because it's so big, they had to basically keep him 'open' for 5 days while the swelling went down, so that it wouldn't collapse his lungs.  They've just closed him back up yesterday, but it's still so big that he's under heavy sedation and on a ventilator.  Today, I hear that he's not doing too well, and they doctors are saying that it's going to take a miracle. 

I've met Shae quite a few times at the restaurant, serving me one too many drinks from the bar for the fundraisers haha.  He's gorgeous, hilarious, and you instintly feel like you've known him for years after talking to him for 5 minutes.  We're all pulling for him.  Please send your happy thoughts and prayers our way. 

Oh I hate moving.

So on very short notice, I've been looking for a new place to live.  Like I said in a previous post, I feel like I've been doing nothing but moving for the past few years.  It's just so hard to find a good roommate.  My current roommate and I have gotten along really well since I moved in, which was in January.  He and his fiance had married in January before she was leaving for deployment to Afghanistan.  Less than a month after she's gone, he finds out that she's already dating someone else who is in her command.  Yeah...  way to go. 

He and I become good friends fast, with me having to console him through all the trauma.  And even after all the drama calmed, he seemed to be doing a lot better, we still did most activities together.  Great friends.  Until.  She's coming home for 2 weeks leave from her year long deployment.  He's still in love with her, and after seeing her for all of 5 minutes, he's telling me that he is wanting to do whatever he can to make it work.  So, the little princess is running the show again.  She's 20 years old (he's 32), and thinks that she's God's gift to the world, and even more so, she knows that she's got him in the palm of her hand, and she's eating it up.  She tells him that she wants to stay legally married but that when she gets back at the end of her deployment, she wants to move to Richmond (which is 2 hours away from here) and spend some time on her own for a couple years, but that they can see each other on some weekends.  He, being the lovestruck dumbass that he is, agrees.  On top of all that, she's apparently not ok with the fact that he's made friends here without her being around (me and the neighbors that we've become close with), so she is telling him that he has to move into a different place.  The lease is up here in a month, and we had planned to renew it and stay.  But now, he's going to be moving, and when I asked if I was going to be moving with him (since I know we both can't afford to live on our own), he said "well, that's up to you I guess, but the place I'm moving to is going to be A LOT more expensive..."  basically a very sheepish way of telling me HEY GUESS WHAT!  You need to find something else.  So here I am. 

He's completely changed since she's been home.  She's leaving in a few days to go back to her deployment, thank god.  She makes it awkward as hell here.  They have two dogs, who of course have become attached to me since I've been living here.  When they run up to me when I get home from somewhere, she yanks them back as if she doesn't want them to touch me.  I just stand there like... wtf is wrong with this girl.  It was her idea for me to move in in the first place, and now she acts as if she hates me for no reason.  It's just so weird.  I haven't done anything but be a friend to this guy since she broke his heart. 

So!  I've been looking for roommates on craigslist.  I went to meet with this guy after work today, and he turned out to be so creepy that I didn't even get out of my car, I just kept driving when I saw him.  And the house was in a cute neighborhood, but it was the sore thumb on the street.  He had two broken down cars parked in the front yard and and a trailer with some kind of contraption in it, and with grass growing up tall all around it.  Oh... dear god.  One potential roommate crossed off the list, and a few more to go.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  I'm trying to find a good place soon, so that I can just go ahead and make the big move.  No reason to stick around here and deal with weirdness if I can help it. 

all done!

Goal number one finished. Ok so it was a small one, but I did finish fixing up this blog, all nice and beautimous. What do ya'll think?

I've been watching a Golden Girls marathon. I swear, this has to be one of the best shows ever made. They just don't make good tv anymore! I'm so sick of all the reality crap polluting our generation's minds. Why is this considered good entertainment? Why are the Kardashian girls considered celebrities? Please someone tell me why they deserve all of this publicity. And don't get me started on Paris Hilton. Good god.

haha... ok so this was a little ranting, if you will. I promise, I'm a nice girl, and this blog won't be all about ranting. ;-)

sweet dreams!

First one-GO!

Ok let's be honest. I mean that's what a blog is for right? I've started about 5 of these things now, and had to start every new one for a new reason.

I'm starting this one because I just want a fresh start. I want a lot of fresh starts. I want to figure out a lot of things in my life right now and I need a place to vent and explore and to hear other's honest thoughts and to converse with you here.

I'm 25 years young and am feeling lost for so many reasons. I'm having to find a new place to live again. In the past few years, I feel like I've moved 8 times. No, it's not really 8 times but it feels like it. I'm wondering when I'm going to finally feel at home. The house where I grew up is 5 minutes from me but the feeling of 'home' seems so far away.

I'm genuinely a happy person but I just feel so confused lately. I have strong morals and treat others well and have a lot of love to give, but everyone around me seems to be getting (or already has) the things that I want out of life.

Perhaps a quarter-life crisis? Maybe so. I love my job but make very little money and am always living paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes that's even still a struggle.

I know that I'm still lucky and am blessed with a strong mind and good head on my shoulders, and that 'this too shall pass' and friends have told me that good things are sure to be on their way to me, because I deserve it. Still waiting for one good love!

Anyway, I want to start some projects, to give myself something to work towards. A goal of some kind. Of a few kinds! I saw the movie Julie and Julia last night with mom and sis, and it was really great. The overall feel of the movie just made me want to accomplish something big. Made me want to start doing something that makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning instead of pushing the snooze button 6 times. I'm going to figure out what it is I want to do, and then document it on here. I'll start out with my getting into shape goal. I've just started reading Dr. Phil's weight loss book, and have started working out in my mom's gym. Any other suggestions for projects are welcome! I love doing artistic things (I do a lot of painting) and I also love to cook.

I just want to makeover myself, inside and out. I'm a hairstylist, so I truly understand how a 'makeover' can change your world, even when it's just on the outside. I love giving people makeovers, and seeing their faces light up when they feel so much better about themselves.

Ok, that's a good start on here. I'm going to try to also commit to writing something here everyday, and hopefully make some new friends on here too. Happy blogging!