ok so this is me just scaring myself.

Well maybe not...  but I am scared just the same. 

I'm finding myself fall into old habits.  This particular habit was created in me by being in bad relationships that made me feel bad about myself.  But basically I'm finding that I'm constantly thinking about how scared I am that MJ is just going to walk away unexpectedly.  When I think about it logically, I don't think that she will, and I know that she is different and that she is actually someone I can be honest with, someone I can trust.  But just the same, it's creating this insecurity in me, which I'm sure is making its way to the surface, and could very easily turn me into this annoying and smothering girlfriend.  I don't really know how to shake this feeling, and I'm trying hard not to freak out.  I don't really know why this is even happening, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking that it's too good to be true and that this good thing won't last, simply just because i actually want it to.  I'm hoping that this feeling will go away and that with time I'll feel more comfortable with her, and be able to trust in us more. 

She hasn't done anything to make me feel like I can't trust her when she says she wants to be with me, so why is it that I'm feeling so insecure about it?  So far, I've been the one with the issues.  I've been the one that's scared.  I've been the one that she has had to reassure, sometimes repeatedly over the same topics.  I am really scared that my own insecurities about her leaving will be what leads to her actually leaving..  like I'm scared that I'm going to sabatage myself somehow.  I'm just scared that she's gonna get tired of reassuring me, and at this point I still feel like I need the reassurance sometimes.  How in the hell do I get out of this cycle?  I feel like it's the first time I've actually believed in someone else this much, so that's why I'm even that much more scared of losing it, and why I'm freaking out. 

Earlier this week, I had mentioned that we had a long talk til 4 in the morning.  During that convo, she expressed for the first time that she had freaked about something.  When I say she freaked about something, it was so minor and minuscule, and her reaction to it wasn't exactly 'freaking' as mine usually are, she is so calm and so the opposite of my crazy self.  But she did express that there was something that needed to be talked about, and so we talked about it.  She was calm, got right to the point, and knew exactly what it was that she wanted to say and express to me.  It was actually nice, like I said, that she came to me with the issue, and it was worked out.  So all in all, we talked it out, and it was refreshing to be able to say exactly what we're thinking without being scared of what the other person was thinking.  It wasn't weird the next day.  It was fine.  Yet I still have this voice in the back of my head. 

Another thing I'm thinking about is that I'm wondering if I've gotten this from my mother, or just from my past relationships.  MJ and I actually talked about this too.  But basically my mom is very happily married now and has been for 4 years.  But even in this happy marriage, as she was in all of her other fucked up relationships, she is scared to death to upset her partner.  At times it seems like she is walking on eggshells in her own house just scared to do anything or say anything that might upset him.  It is something that I've always noticed about her, and something that I've actually talked over with her too, about how I don't think she should be that way.  Her husband loves her very much, and so I feel that she shouldn't feel so scared to upset him.  She should feel comfortable enough in her relationship with him to be able to just be herself.  I don't want it to sound like she is always this scared little woman, because she's definitely not, but it's just at some points where it is very apparent and it bothers me.  And it is the very behavior in her that I feel I am now doing myself, in a way.  Just because MJ and I talked about her first ever 'issue' with us, I am scared to pieces for there to be another one, or for that same one to be repeated.  I don't want her to ever look at me and feel the least bit of dissappointment.  And YES I realize that she and i are still so new and that I'm being a tadbit dramatic, but DAMNIT.  I don't know how to turn my mind off either, or how to even set it to 'mild' instead of 'extreme'.  My mind just goes.  and I mean... IT GOES.  on and on and on.  It wanders and ends up making me worry about things that haven't even happened. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say after all of this is that I'm just scared.  All I want is to start a life with her, but I find myself wanting to make things happen too immediately because of my fear of seeing her walk away.  I'm not crazy, and I'm not wanting to control her or tie her down.  I'm trying to think about this as logically and objectively as possible.  I don't know how to just let things naturally happen without having this voice in the back of my head saying that I need to hold on tight or it'll slip away.  I wonder if any of this even makes any sense to any of you. 

Comments would be GREATLY appreciated in this matter.  I'd really like to hear some feedback.

Maybe I'll title this later, after I figure out what I'm writing about.

MJ's asleep in her room 20 ft away from me, and I'm needing my sleep schedule to sync with hers!  But for now I'll write, and reflect on this past weekend and week. 

Since moving back in with my mom, I had to find a temporary home for my kitty baby Adalie elsewhere, at a good friend's house, until I was able to take her back again.  Well MJ said that she'd be happy to go ahead and move her up to her house, so we made that move last weekend.  The 4 hour drive here actually was fine, I had been worried that she wouldn't be able to calm down since she doesn't like car rides.  I gave her a teensy bit of children's benadryl to calm her down before the ride, and it worked like a charm for about 2 hours.  As soon as it wore off, she happened to hear me talking to MJ on the phone and she started meowing like crazy.  I stuck my hand in her kitty carrier and she charged out of there, and plopped herself down right on my lap.  She had no interest in roaming around the car, she just wanted to be near me.  It was so cute, she layed there still and fell asleep for a good hour and a half.  When we got to MJ's, she explored the place for a while, and started loving on MJ right from the start.  She had two days being the only pet in the house, MJ's mom had her dog for the weekend, but brought her home sunday night.  Yeah...  they're still in the process of getting used to each other lol.  Her dog Haley chases Adalie around, so it's slow going for them to actually be calm around each other, but it's getting a little better everyday.  I'm so happy she's here though :-).

Last night MJ and I were up til about 4am.  We went to bed around 11 actually, but we had a really long, really important talk.  We got everything out about things that were 'bothering' us (so to speak), but more or less just wanting to be on the same page about us and where we're headed and stuff like that.  There's actually not really anything that is an actual bother, but more of just the adjustment period i guess.  But I'm just so happy that we're able to talk about things.  Of course there is still a lot that we're learning about each other, but I've just never been in a relationship where there was so much respect for each other coming from both sides.  It's just so refreshing on a daily basis, and I'm still amazed at how easily and naturally it's all happening.  I'm really jsut so happy with her, and with the idea of the life we could have together.  I'll admit, she's definitely being the more responsible one with us, and she's keeping me grounded, and I appreciate that.  She's 7 years older than me (which is something I joke her for relentlessly haha), so at this point I'm happy just letting her take the reins and lead us, and I know I'll get my way in the end, which is to just be happy with someone.  I really think she could be the one, and if she isn't, then I'll be crushed, but happy to know that I've at least found it is that I've been looking for.  It's just flat out nice to have faith again.  And of course, the amazing sex doesn't hurt none either ;-)

We decided I should stay the week this week, since Adalie is here for the first time, and I scheduled my appointments at home to not start until Thursday evening.  I've been exploring the area on my own the past couple days while MJ is at work.  I've found the cutest little coffee shop, and the girl at the counter was so sweet, with red hair and purple eye shadow.  She could for sure be my new best friend and I could for sure work in that cute little coffee shop if I move here hehe.  MJ chuckled as I told her of my findings when she got home. 

Sweet dreams everyone, I'm gonna go lay with my honey.

under construction

I apologize for my blog changing colors and backgrounds like 80 times...  but I get bored with it and want to change it lol.  So it's a work in progress...  hopefully it'll be all put together soon.  Sorry!

Well hello again!

My goodness...  so much to catch up on.  I met a lady.  My dad had heart surgery, well kind of.  I moved back in with my mom for the first time in 7 years to save up some money.  I might be moving soon, like awayyy from this town, and I'm really excited about it.  I don't even know where to begin.  But I guess I always feel overwhelmed after I've been away for a while!  And!  I got yelled at for not blogging over lunch last weekend in DC lol.  It's partly because my computer isnt working right now and I hate having to use my mom's desktop, so I'm hardly on the computer these days.  But that's just an excuse lol ;-)

Lady MJ.

MJ and I have been talking close to 2 months I'd say.    She lives about 4 hours away from me near Baltimore, that is when we're lucky and we don't get stuck in the nasty DC traffic.  She's already met my mom, and I met her parents and about 30 of her relatives just this past weekend at a going away party for her parents (they're moving to London in a couple weeks).  It was a little overwhelming, but it was a good time, and I apparently handled it well and was less nervous that she thought I woulda been.

I moved back in with my mom, it's temporary, and it's definitely helping me to save up some money. 
My dad went in for a heart cath, and they found that he had another 100% blockage in his heart, but that his heart had naturally made a bypass around the blockage already.  It's crazy what our bodies are capable of.  The good news is that it can't get any worse because it's already blocked 100%.  It causes his mild chest pain from time to time, but he says that it's only about a 2 on a scale from 1 to 10 so he can deal.  They've uped his medication for now, and are going to be re-evaluating his in a couple months to see how it's doing.  So, for now, this is good news.

Ok I'm about to run out to do another client.  But this is enough for now to update this blog lol.  I need to get my computer fixed so that I can just keep this up!

2012... omg.

Ok has anyone been watching Armagedon week on the history channel this week?  It's like a bad car accident, I don't want to look at it but I have to... I simply can't make myself not watch it.  Omg it's freaking me out.  It just keeps talking about all the different ways the world could end in 2012.  I mean they are talking about everything from giant meteors to super volcanoes to talking about how the sun will be directly at the center of our universe which will dramatically change our orbit and all this crazy stuff. 

I personally believe it's all a bunch of hype, or at least I'm telling myself that everytime my heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest thinking that it could all actually be over soon.  But they're talking so much about Nostradamus and his predictions and prophecies, and they keep reciting so many of his different Quatrains (his book of prophecies).  They talk about how he predicted so many different things, starting with the death of the king during his life time, and even things lik the JFK shooting and Clinton's adultery.  They of course have said that he predicted 9/11.  But don't you think that if these predictions were actually already there plain as day that we would have done something about it in advance?  That's just where I think it's all a hoax of some sort.  People read up on his predictions and then after an event happens, they compare his words to what happened, and a lot of it really could have been talking about anything.  Nothing is ever clear, and further more the date in 2012 doesn't ever appear in his writings.  I think that people as a whole are just looking to believe in something that is beyond their own understanding.  That's not to say that something couldn't happen, but I just think that they're making a bigger deal over this than their maybe needs to be. 

If ya'll have been watching these shows, you'd know what I'm talking about.  It all just seems to be so much for shock value.  I mean they are going all out, thinking up every possible scenario that could damage or extinguish our earth.  Of course all of these things could happen, most of them already have happened hundreds of thousands of years ago. 

I'm not at all saying that because I don't fully believe it that it can't be real, but I just think people listen too much without thinking on their own.  It just all seems to be so dramatic.  It all is very interesting to watch, and I'm definitely interested to hear new developments on the whole doomsday issue, but there's just still this big voice in my head saying...  Come on!  Calm down, take a seat. 

What do you all think about it all?

I'm excited.

So after reading Tanya's post at Learning to Live as Love, it got me thinking about how I really don't have that many lesbian friends.  And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I would really like to change that.  Most of my friends are straight, and I love them, but it really is different when you have a friend who is the same sexuality as you are.  I'm not ungrateful for the friends I do have, but still, it's just different. 

I have had reservations about trying to make friends within the lesbian community around here.  Of course, the obvious place that you think of to meet lesbians is the local lesbian bars.  I haven't had the greatest experiences there.  I've been to two different bars, two times each, and I just never really felt comfortable there.  I've always been shy, must worse when I was younger, but still shy now none the less, and I don't talk to strangers very easily.  Mostly all of the ladies there seemed to already know each other, and it seemed to be a lot of drama going around...  I don't know, I just didn't feel like I fit in.  I've never really been a bar person, and since I don't have that many lesbian friends, I don't have anyone to go with... etc.  Plus I have absolutely no game lol...  I'm too shy for that.  Yes of course alcohol helps with feeling like you have game, but still.  I'm just shy I guess.  The whole scene just felt too intimidating to me. 

So I remembered a long time ago someone mentioning meetup.com, so i decided to go on there and look up local lesbian groups.  I found a huge one, over 500 members that are all in the area, and they do a lot of social gatherings.  I looked through their pictures from past meet ups and they just all look really nice.  So I signed up!  I'm nervous about it, but I'm just make myself go and keep a smile on my face. 

I'm just really in the mood to LIVE lately.  I want to broaden my horizons as much as I can.  I feel like I'm just missing out on so much just because I've let myself keep up these barriers.  Not really barriers, as much as...  well I don't even know what I'm trying to get at here.  But since I'm a hairstylist, it has forced me to have to talk with strangers one on one all the time, when I'm with clients.  So that has definitely helped me get over some of my scaredycat-shyness issues.  But yeah.  I just want to meet new people and learn new things and experience things that I was always too scared to do before (yes I'm still talking about how I was scared to talk to strangers haha).  Anyway, I'm excited about trying something new, and maybe making some new friends.  Has anyone ever tried the meetup.com things in their area?  What are your thoughts?

The ongoing battle.

So my sister and I haven't been getting along at all.  She's younger than me, she's just turned 22 last October.  We actually haven't ever really gotten along, not as much as I would have liked.  When we were young, she always annoyed me.  She would always get me in trouble with mom for not including her in things, typical little sister stuff, I guess that's pretty common.  But as we've gotten older, she still has the 'baby of the family' mentality, and my parents are continuing to baby her.  My dad especially. 

But anyway, she's making a lot of really bad decisions with her life.  She's just continuing to be extremely irresponsible with her life in so many different ways.  She's lying to everything and just telling anyone who will listen exactly what they need to hear to 'take her side' and make her feel better about what she's doing.  It's become such a downward spiral, and no one even knows what to do anymore to help her to just grow up and start taking some responsibility.  She expects my parents and me to just pick up her pieces and isn't ever even grateful for us doing something for her.  For example, she parked her car in a resident's parking spot at her new apartment before she had the sticker on her car.  There was a guest parking spot about 5 spots down, but she didn't want to have to walk that far.  So of course, her car got towed overnight, and guess who had to pay for it?  I did, $125 that she just fully expected me to just hand over.  She demanded it by saying that she needed it that day or the next day it would be an additional $125.  I told her she needed to ask dad for the money, and she said she was scared to call him because he was already mad at her.  I asked her why, and she said because her license is suspended.  That's just to start. 

When her boyfriend drover her to my house to pick up the money (which she was highly pissed off that I couldn't bring it to her, didn't matter that I had a client on her way to my house) she burst in the front door and started yelling "Kelly!  I need the money, hurry up!  And I left my coat here last time, get my coat!"  I was mortified, since everyone in the house heard her.  She's so rude and demanding and she didn't even say thank you when I handed her the money.  I'm just so over her rudeness. 

Anyway, Christmas rolls around, and we make nice in front of our relatives, and even had a good time.  Well she was flashing her camera all night and she took a bunch of pictures of all of us, cousins and so on.  Well, a few of the pictures that she took of me, well they were really bad.  Really bad angles or lighting... and I told her to delete them.  Well instead of deleting them, she posted them all on facebook and tagged me in them.  When I saw them, I was almost in tears.  I'm not overly self conscious, but I'm not too excited about my body right now, and it's like these pictures made me look even 10 times worse than I actually look, and she knew it too.  So I untagged myself, and wrote her a short and sweet email saying 'ok, no more tagging me in pictures on facebook unless I ok it first.  Some of those pics were really horrible and you should know which ones I'd want posted on here.  thank you.'  Her reply:  Well Kelly, by now you might know that I don't give a shit.  

I don't even know why it's gotten so bad between us, and why she thinks that it's ok to talk to anyone like that, much less her own sister, the person that has always been there for her.  I've gotten her out of so many problems, I even got her a job at my salon about a year ago, which turned out to be a horribly embarrassing fiasco for me.  She didn't last 2 days. 

So now my mom is wanting us to have a family meeting or something.  I'm pretty much to the point where I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore, but I've agreed to have a sit down with her and my mom and my cousin to see what is going on with her.  But this will be my last attempt at trying to have an actual relationship with her, after this it'll be up to her to come to me and try to smooth things over.  I just think that it's ridiculous that it's coming to this, when I haven't done anything but help her, and she just acts like I'm the enemy.  Not sure yet when we're having the meeting, but I'm sure I'll have much to write about when it happens. 

My friend.

I have a friend, J, who is just amazing. 

I met her about a year and a half ago.  Our first meeting was actually a coffee date at a Barnes and Noble.  It was obvious to me when I first met her that she was something special, even if she didn't know it.  We became quick friends, and right away I knew I'd made a great friend that I'd always be able to lean on or count on.  She helped me get through quite a few crying fits over the crazy ex's.  She always had something constructive to say, and somehow I always felt so much more at ease after just one talk with her.  She's also a single mother of one little adorable boy, who is her world.  You should see his smile!  He's so full of life, just like his mother. 

We've slightly fallen out of touch in the past few months, other than read each other's blogs from time to time, but I've just found out that she's going through a really rough time, and I just want her to know:  J, I think the world of you.  You are a wonderful person, friend, mother, and good things are coming to you.  Everything happens for a reason, and you have to just look back on it as lessons learned and be grateful for everything that you still have going for you (a lot!!!!!).  I'll always be there for you as you were for me, and I can't wait to rekindle our friendship.  J!  You are awesome and I'm presenting you with these two awards that I picked out just for you. 

Post them on your blog and feel free to pass them on!

J, you're amazing, and don't you forget that.

Happy New Year! Part 1-The Girl

I always wait too long to update... and in my mind I'm listing all of these things that I want to write about and I never get around to doing it until it's just so much that I end up writing novels.  I do apologize if it annoys any of my readers lol.  But for the holiday posts, I'll break it up into different posts.  This first one is about the girl, and then we'll move on into Christmas in the next one. 

The girl, C.  What a sweetheart.  She lives 4 hours north of me, and we'd been talking for the better part of December.  I believe I've already mentioned her in my last post.  So we made plans to meet up for the first time on the weekend right after Christmas.  I went up to see her, and she got a hotel for 2 nights.  She totally treated me the whole weekend, paid for all of our meals and outtings, and I actually had to fight her off when I insisted on paying for the movie we went to see, and the popcorn and goodies.  She was very nice, and I felt comfortable around her pretty instantly.  She was pretty shy, but slowly was able to open up throughout the weekend.  I left Monday to come home, and something changed in her from that instant on.  She seemed to get very depressed and stressed out, pretty much out of no where.  Tuesday morning started it off, first it was that everyone was fighting at work, then it was that her best friend Mike was probably going to be mad at her for coming to see me for new years, then it was some misunderstanding between the two of us about how long she'd be staying for new years weekend here at my place, and how she needed time to herself to get some stuff done, which I was fine with, but then she just seemed to get totally stressed out about the fact that she was having to explain herself and didn't want me to think that she was making up excuses and etc.  It was just a lot of 'woah' out of no where.  So I did my best to try to smooth things over and put a smile on her face, and get her excited about coming to see me for new years. 

I plan on having my best friend and her boyfriend over, and C was gonna drive straight here from work, planning on being here by 10pm on New Years Eve.  I'm making a big dinner, with homemade pesto alfredo pasta, roasted chicken, sauted green beans, and even brownie sundays for dessert.  I love cooking for people.  Anyway, best friend and her boyfriend got here around 9, we had a couple beers and I finished cooking everything, and C got here a little after 10.  She was all huffy puffy when she got here, carrying her bags up to my room, she just already seemed annoyed or tired or something.  I tried to just ignore it, and went back into the kitchen.  She came in and I made the introductions around the room, and then she started making drinks for herself and me.  We had cosmo mix and vodka and peach shnapps leftover from the previous weekend, so she made drinks with that.  Well...  she ended up drinking way too much way too fast, and was pretty much hanging all over me all night.  We were playing cards after dinner, up until the ball dropped, and she grabbed the cards at one point and started trying to do card tricks, that inevitably kept coming up wrong.  She ended up getting mad at the cards...  and the whole night just went downhill from there.  Midnight rolls around, and she lays one on me... a big juicy one, and just kept at it even when I tried to pull away... she ended up falling over on me, and then complaining that my best friend and her boyfriend were getting a 'real kiss' and insisting that I kiss her more.  It was just so over the top.  Bestie kept looking at me like... what's wrong with her?  and I was just so embarrassed for her.  I don't know if she'd just had a bad week or if she was nervous about meeting my friends or what, but she just got so trashed really fast and I didn't even know how to control her haha.  We ended up just going to bed around 1 after I cleaned up and Bestie left, and she started crying when I didn't want to..uh...  ya know...  and she rolled over and passed out.  She was just so drunk and I knew I just couldn't do that, she probably wouldn't have remembered anyway.  The next day, she slept until 4 in the afternoon in my bed, and got up at 3 different times to throw up.  Yeah, quite a new years haha.  When she finally did get up, I was just sitting downstairs watching tv with my roommate, and she came down here smelling like death and wanted to cuddle up to me on the couch.  This is only my second time hanging out with her, and I felt so bad but I just couldn't help but be annoyed, for lack of a less harsh word.  But do you know what I mean?  I mean I'm not a mean person, but come on.  So I sent her upstairs to shower, saying it'd make her feel better.  After she came back down, I suggested we go get something to eat, just to get outta the house, and we ended up just going to ihop after driving around for a good 20 minutes and me offering different places as choices to eat and everytime she'd say 'just whatever you want is fine.'  That's another thing that I've realized I can't deal with, I don't want to always be the one who makes all of the decisions in a relationship.  I don't want to feel like I always have to take the lead just because she's too scared to have an opinion that might not be agreeable to me.  Sidenote, sorry.  So at dinner, she's basically just sitting in silence, hasn't smiled at all since she woke up, and I'm doing all I can to lighten the mood and try to slice away some of the awkwardness that she's just laying on so thick.  It finally comes down to me having to say, 'Ok babe, what is it.  What's wrong?'  and she can't even look at me but she says she's sad because she's feeling distant from me and has no idea why I'm acting like I want to have nothing to do with her.  I literally had to steer the conversation away from that topic because I was scared that she was going to have a breakdown right in the middle of ihop.  The conversation is just somewhat of a fog now, but I had to explain to her that I don't know what has happened but that she's not the same bubbly girl that I originally started talking to, and that I'd love to help her figure out why, but that I was wondering if maybe I just don't bring out the best in her, or maybe she just has too much on her plate right now, or maybe she's just not really ready to start something new yet, still hanging on too tightly to her previous heartaches.  Anyway, long story short, we ended up saying we'd shoot for a friendship at this point, and she ended up just packing her bags and going home when we got back from ihop.  I felt horrible, because she broke down as I tried to talk her into staying at least til morning because I didn't want her driving home for 4 hours while being so upset..  but she just couldn't shake it.  I did everything I could to try to calm her down, I said we could even just stay in and watch movies all night, no pressure, but everything I said just seemed to upset her more.  She left, and thankfully got home safely. 

I wrote her a pretty lengthy email over facebook saying how sorry I was and how I'd never meant to hurt her and all this stuff, and as I was writing it, I was realizing more and more things about what I need from a partner.  Speaking of which, I guess it just goes with the territory of being picky and actually looking for a soulmate instead of someone to just pass the time with, but I'm getting tired of everyone that I've been dating just being one more lesson of something that I don't want.  But anyway, I realized that as much as I need someone who's sweet, I need someone with a strong personality as well.  I feel that I am both of those things as well, but I need someone who's even stronger willed than I am maybe.  Of course this is all just brainstorming and more or less 'talking to myself' haha.  But as sweet as she started off to be, I couldn't handle being with someone who was more whiney than I am.  Sooooooo... such is life, and I'm right back to where I started, dragging with me now a little guilt for hurting her, and a little more knowledge of what I'll be looking for in the future.  Not how I expected my new years to go, but one can only be hopeful for the future. 

boop boop be doop

I apologize for the weird titles, I just was thinking about how I always have so much to say, but i have the hardest time labeling and tittling i mean titling (teehee) my posts.  I don't know why.  I have the same issue with my paintings.  The painting process usually just pours out of me, but when it comes to titling the piece when I'm all done, I've had to frequently ask friends, 'so, what would you name this?  help me out!'

That little rant was not at all what I came here to say.  I'm quite smitten with how things are going right now.  It's christmas!!  I can't believe it's already here.  This year has been rough on me, but looking back, it's been a great year for learning and growing.  I got through it all, and came out great.  Looking back, it doesn't even seem like it was ever that bad.  It could have always been worse, and I'm very thankful for my health and for the health and safety of those I love.  It could always be worse, and I sometimes feel bad for complaining, when I know that others have it 10, 20, 30 times worse than I do.  But we all have our moments of 'woe is me' and I'm just thankful to have gotten through mine.  My year is closing up rather well, and I'm excited to start a new year, with all of my new decisions, my new career choices, new home, and maybe even a new great girl.  Great girl.  C. 

In my last post, I had talked about a new girl, but like so many others, she quickly turned out to be not for me.  Luckily just a couple days later, I started talking to this girl C.  From the very beginning, we've pretty much agreed on everything.  We seem to have so much in common that at times it's rather scary, and we both keep saying that we're just waiting for something to happen, cuz it almost seems to good to be true.  We haven't met yet, but I can safely say that I don't think I've ever enjoyed getting to really know someone as much as I do with her.  We'll frequently have phone conversations that easily last 4 to 6 hours before we even know it.  We just can't stop talking.  I really enjoy listening to her and hearing about her life stories, and for some crazy reason, she's just as eager to listen to me ramble on and on.  We're planning to meet the day after christmas, this saturday coming up.  She lives about 3 hours north, and I'll be going up there for the weekend.  At times, just like any other 'blind date', I get nervous thinking that maybe there won't be a spark or something...  just normal wonderings I guess, but I honestly feel like we know each other so well it feels like we've already met kinda.  Weird I know, but I just already feel so comfortable with her.  And we've already said that in some weird alternate universe, if we happen to not be as great a match as we're thinking we are, at least we've gotten a new great friend out of it.  I've just really enjoyed talking to her, finally finding someone that i have so much in common with, and so many of the same ideals about life.  so.... wish me luck next weekend.

Oh wowwwwww, I just got a call from an old friend that moved to New Orleans a while ago, with news that he's moving back here.  I'm soooo excited!!  I can't wait to see him, that kid would have me rolling he was so funny.  Great news!

Oh, and may I just say that I hate the new Target christmas commercials.  I think that all of them are weird and awkward and just all really horribly written.  I just hate them and they make me clench my teeth everything they come on lol.  Worst commercials ever. 

Paintinggg

So I finished this painting a couple weeks ago.  I had put an ad on craigslist for my paintings, and that I was looking for new work if someone was interested... and this guy emailed me back that day and said he had been looking for a local artist to do 3 pieces for him.  This was the first of 3:

First...  let me say that I am a wee 5'1.  this painting is almost as big as I am, to the point where it was difficult to get from one place to the next.  it's 36in by 48in.  Biggest painting I've ever done. Here's a close up of her face (keep in mind that this face is way bigger than an actual human face!)

 It took me a total of 32 hours to complete it.  He sent me a picture of what he wanted, and I did it, adding a touch of my own in places here and there.  It's a 'Dia de los Muertos' painting, and when I was all finished, it was difficult to let go of.  So far, this has been my 'Mt. Everest' of paintings, and when you spend that much time with something, creating something, and putting your heart and soul into it, it becomes a part of you.  It wasn't even really my style, but it didn't matter in the end.  I love it.  and best of all, he LOVED IT.  And i loved the super big payout that I got for it hehe.  And now I'm totally excited because since he's seen what I can do, he has all these other ideas for the two other paintings, and it's gonna be awesome.  I can't even tell you how much satisfaction you get out of getting paid to do what you really love.  It's an amazing feeling.  And I'm starting to feel really great about my abilities and where they're going to take me.  I feel so completely blessed and lucky, even if I'm not religious haha.

Here's another one I did last month, this was for a client of mine, and she loved it too.

This one's a little smaller, only 28in by 34in (or close to that i think).  The texture on it is paper mache, and crushed seashells.  The purple was done because it's her nephew that has Hodgkin's Lymphoma (I talked about him in a previous post, Shae), and purple is the awareness color for it.  She's redecorating her house, and quite a few rooms have a lot of purple in them. 

holy crap.

Ok so...  I've just had a crazy night.  What's so horrible is that my two dude roommates and I are laughing about it.  It's actually not that funny...  but we can't help it.

Ok I had a client to do at her house tonight, and I left my house around 645.  Prior to that and earlier in the day, my roommates Sheri and Brandon were decorating the christmas tree, and I was doing my sister's hair, and Sheri and I were drinking eggnog and rum, the premixed kind from the liquor store.  I had one and a half glasses, and that was enough to make me buzz a bit, and enough for me to feel the need to take a cat nap before going to my client.  Sheri had finished off the first bottle of the nog and rum, and also gone up to bed to take a nap around 4 or so.  Around 6, she comes downstairs, and I'm getting set up to go to my client.  She's obviously still drunk, as she'd had a lot more to drink than I had.  Brandon had already left to go to work.  I leave to go do my client.

I get home around 9:40, and I find Sheri completely passed out and laying flat on her back on our hardwood floor, in the middle of the living room.  She's breathing, actually snoring, but as I try to wake her up, I realize she's in a completely deep sleep and not waking up at all, no matter what I do.  I call my friend who used to be an EMT, and she tells me to push my knuckles into her chest plate hard enough that she's need to wake up to respond to the pain.  That didn't work.  I scream right in her face and even go as far as to slap her, but nothing worked.  I'm starting to freak out.  I decided to call 911, which I've never had to do before.  Her boyfriend gets home right as the EMT's get here (I had called him already to let him know what's going on) and shortly after, Brandon also walked in the door.  They can't wake her up either, but they take her vitals and say that she's ok, just literally so drunk that she's not responding to anything.  Before they got here, I'd also seen that she'd drank the entire second bottle of egg nog and rum.  The empty bottle was in the trash. 

Anyway, they take her away, and as of now, she's still sound asleep and laying in the hospital.  The emt's were actually giggling after we knew that she was ok, just really drunk, and we couldn't help but giggle too.  I know it sounds horrible, but trust me, you had to be there, we're all just trying to wake her up, and she's snoring away so peacefully.  She actually even made this really really loud snoring sound when they picked her up to put her on the stretcher. 

She doesn't drink a lot, so this was all completely unexpected.  Chris, her boyfriend is staying with her overnight, cuz we don't want her to wake up alone in the hospital, especially since they took her pants off, and she doesn't wear underwear lol.  Brandon and I decided to go home after we talked to the nurses, they said they basically can't do anything else until she wakes up.  It's gonna be one hell of a hangover. 

It was scary as shit to walk into the house and find her laying there like that, but I can't wait to tell her about how loudly she was snoring as we were all trying to wake her up.  She'll be fine. 

WELL HELLO!!!

My goodness, it's been a long time since I've written on here, but I figure now is a great time to make an update. 

Life is GREAT for me right now. 

I've made some really tough decisions in the past couple months, and all of them have turned out to be the right choice.  I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to get up in the morning these days.

Decision number one-I kicked that girl i was seeing to the curb.  She was just too crazy for me.  Too hot and cold.  Too...  oh who cares, she's gone and I feel sane again lol.  I know I always try to see the good in people, and I really do let too much fly based on that good, I need to learn to actually acknowledge the reasons why I'm not compatible with someone else. 

Decision number two-I decided to move.  It was actually a little spur of the moment, but I had had it with my old roommate, and his dogs.  Long list short, I was finding my shoes chewed up, finding piles of poop in my room, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, and he stopped coming home, started staying with a new girl he was dating who was allergic to his dogs, so they became my responsibility.  I finally told him, ok I'm looking for another place to live.  He told me to do what I had to do.  So I started looking that day, emailed like 15 people on craigslist, and ended up moving in with the first person I met.  Best decision I could have made, I love it here in the new house.  It's a big 2 story CLEAN house, with a big backyard.  I've turned the garage that she wasn't using into my art studio where I do all of my painting.  I've never actually had a studio, it's always just been painting in my living room on my coffee table.  It's so awesome!  I love my new roommate, Sheri.  She's a little crazy and loud, but in a good way.  We get along great.  She's 42 and is so full of energy, I usually can't keep up with her. We've become very close, she actually said the nicest thing to me the other day, "my life has gotten so much better lately, and a big part of that is because of you."  How sweet!  We also have another new roommate that just moved in a week ago, he took the third bedroom.  Sheri's boyfriend also is in the process of moving in.  He's really quiet and calm, the total opposite of Sheri haha.  We also have 4 cats (including my one kitten) and one dog.  All together, we make a happy family.  I feel really settled and comfortable here.  And another good thing is that my old roommate and I are still friends, and are getting along great, we apparently just can't live together lol. 

Decision number three-After working in a beautiful high end salon with people that I love for 3 years, I decided that it was time to leave the salon.  I've been struggling with money for some time, not making any money there, and after doing hair for 5 years, I shouldn't be struggling this much.  My bosses had known for sometime that I needed to be making more money, and had given me raises, but it was never enough.  And with the economy these days, I was losing as many clients as I was gaining, and eventually even losing more than I was gaining in the past couple months.  Most people just can't afford to pay high end prices to get their hair done, and I didn't feel comfortable charging my clients prices that I know I would never pay myself.  I came up with a plan to start my own business, doing hair on the road!  haha, I mean going to people's homes to do their hair.  I got ultra organized, made flyers to hand out, let some of my clients know about the change, and made business cards.  Btw, if you need to make your own business cards, go to vistaprints.com to make them.  I got an insane amount of cards and spent next to nothing.  Anyway, after getting a good amount of appointments set up so I'd know I had money to fall back on after quiting the salon, it was time to tell the bosses that I was leaving.  I pretty much didn't sleep for the few days leading up to the date I had picked to tell them, I was so nervous.  These people have been my second family for 3 years.  We've spent holidays together, I've cried to them about bad relationships, I've babysat their kids while they went on vacations, and gone to their kids' sports games.  We're very close.  With shaking fingers, I wrote them a very nice resignation letter, and sat them down in the office to give it to them.  As soon as I said the words that I had decided to leave the salon, I burst into tears, and so did my boss Angie.  It was quite a sight the two of us lol, I ended up sobbing so much that I could barely speak to explain my reasons.  Angie just grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug, and ended up having to leave the office because she couldn't watch me cry anymore lol.  How dramatic, I know!  Sorry, I can be a bit of a crybaby lol.  Anyway, the next day, Angie called me into the office (I was working out my two weeks notice).  She told me that she loved me, started crying again, and said that she couldn't bare the thought of not seeing me all the time, and asked me if I'd like to work in the salon one day a week, just as a sub contractor.  Said that technically I won't be working for them, and they'd just give me 60% commission on any clients that I do.  Can you believe that?  I couldn't ask for a better deal.  I get to be self employed, set my own schedule, and I get to keep them in my life, and keep a foot in the salon that I love.  I just really couldn't have played this out better in my head, couldn't have asked for anything better.  So I started this schedule this week, I'll be working in the salon only on thursdays, and I only go in if I have clients on the book, and I go to people's houses to do their hair every other day.  I already have quite a few of my clients spreading the word for me, and quite a few leads.  I'm so excited!!!!

Another plus, I've started talking to this new girl, her name is Stephanie.  It's still very new, but it's already scary how much we have in common.  I always seem to get involved with people I have nothing in common with, so this is good so far.  We haven't even met yet, she actually lives about 3 hours away, but she seems like a total sweetheart, and she's really cute too, she's just my type.  She thinks the same of me, and told me that when she thinks about what kinda girl she wants for the long term, I seem to be fitting the mold exactly so far.  I think we're both careful not to get ahead of ourselves too, which is nice, I like moving at a nice even pace, not racing to the alter, and not moving so slow that I don't hear from them for days.  So, we'll see how this goes, I hope to be meeting her soon and getting to know her better. 

On top of everything, I just made an amazing dinner for the 'family' here.  It was deeeeeeelicioussssss, and my roommate sheri has now professed her undying love for me lol.  Life is good.

Attack Spider, and She Got Me Good.

Past couple days have been tough on my heart.  As in it's ability to beat at a normal pace.  As in racing.  As in hard to breathe. 

First, yesterday morning, I was at work with only one other coworker, the boss man's son.  It was a quiet morning, as most tuesday mornings are, and I was lounging in the chair that I usually use for my clients, reading my book.  All of a sudden, out of the corner of my left eye, I see this GIGANTIC SPIDER running towards me, coming from the front door.  And I mean huge.  and I mean running.  towards.  me.  I threw my legs up and jumped up into the chair and screamed so loud that the ladies from the aerobics place next door came running.  I have never seen a spider that big in person, just crawling around and not in a cage at a pet store or something.  It was literally the size of the palm of my hand.  Anyway, it ended up running under my chair and past me on over to the next chair.  I was still screaming, and my coworker thinks it's hilarious.  He catches it in a jar, and then proceeds to chase me around the salon with this damn jar filled with my worst nightmare.  I literally couldn't breathe with ease for at least an hour.  He ended up flushing it down the toilet. 

And then tonight.  A, the girl I'm seeing, definitely likes to ruffle my feathers.  Am I really that funny when I'm freaking out?  I don't think so, but then again, it's me that's freaking out.  ha...  so.  She calls me and tells me that she needs to talk to me about something.  Said that her friend has just found out that she's pregnant.  That her friend already has two kids and is struggling, and is wanting A to adopt her unborn baby.  Yes, I know it's a pretty far fetched story, especially when I type it out, but she painted a pretty convincing picture.  I freaked out lol.  I didn't even know what to say, as we're still getting to know each other..  but I mean that's a pretty big deal if you're just starting to date someone, to know that they might be parenting a new baby in 9 months lol.  Ok this all just sounds silly typing it out, but believe me, she had me going for a minute or two.  I was pacing my room, and my voice got high pitched and flustered and finally she busted out laughing and said it was all a joke.  She's gonna get it. 

still a fav

ok this ad can always make me crack up laughing.  have a looksie.  Make sure your sound is on, it's the best part of it.

weight loss

Oh, what a nice little journey I'm beginning. 

I think my weight might be a big part of the reason I'm feeling depressed lately.   I'm just not happy with myself.  I've been wanting to go vegetarian for a long time, and I now have been for one week.  I still eat fish and seafood, but I'm glad I've finally cut out all the red meat and poultry.

My goal is to drop about 70 lbs.  I'd actually be happy just losing about 60, maybe 55, but acording to all the charts and BMI stuff I'm supposed to lose about 70 for my height.  I was reading over Tommy's new weight loss blog and all I was thinking is that's something I need to be doing for myself, really setting up a plan.  Cutting out meat is a big step, but it's not enough.  I'm thinking about joining weight watchers.  I think I'd have more luck with it if I'm forced to actually go to meetings and weigh in.  It'd make it more of a focus for me. 

Goal for tomorrow:  call weight watchers and find out how much it costs and what it all entails and stuffy stuff. 

I also made one of these things that I also found on Tommy's blog, it's pretty sweet.  wait I lost the link for it, I'll post it later.  dangit.

icing on the cake.

Well you wouldn't believe what I woke up to this morning.  Ash, the girl I just kicked to the curb, texted me 'I miss you.'   and she texted it 4 times, until i responded.  I said 'it'll pass' and she asked 'why are you being like that?'

I was a little in shock over the situation.  I didn't even know how I should respond, coldly or nicely.  I wanted to just shake her and say WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?  YOU'RE CRAZY!!!  But I couldn't do that.  But I mean, just three days ago she left in the middle of the night so fast that it made my head spin, and the day after that she was trying to put me down by saying 'i bet you're not even a lesbian' and to lose her number, and now she's saying she misses me.  I feel bad for the girl.  She obviously has a lot of issues that I don't even know how to begin to try to break down, but I know I can't be the person that helps her.  She doens't miss me, she misses the idea of having someone, which is something that I miss too, but luckily I know the difference at this point. 

I told her she's got to be kidding me, and she said that she just wanted me to know she was sorry.  I told her it was fine but that I'm done.  She texted me an hour later saying 'talk to me'.  I then had to put my foot down and tell her she needed to stop, that I was done.  I seriously hate hurting people, especially when I know a little about her past and what she's been through (not a whole lot of good) but I just can't be the person who fixes everyone else.  I've tried that, and learned the hard way that it doesn't work. 

Today is my little sister's 22nd birthday, and we're all going out to dinner tonight.  I've been stuck in the house for 3 days being sick, and I'm really looking foward to getting out.  I think I really need it at this point, I'm feeling kinda depressed, and even when I feel just a little bit more on the sour side than the sweet side, it takes a big tole on me.  We're going to a hibatchi place, I guess it's become a tradition for her birthday for the past few years.  My dad and evil stepmother are going, which means they're footing the bill, which I have NOOOOOO problem with lol.  Hellooo pitchers of sake with plum wine!!  Should be fun, our cousin is coming and some of sissy's friends. 

Baby Kitty

I got a kitten a couple weeks ago, and for some reason my phone wouldn't let me send pictures to my email, but I figured it all out so now I can post pics of her!  She's now about 10 weeks old, and her name is Adalie (rhymes with Natalie). 

She's super playful and vocal.  She follows me everywhere when we're at home, and I even take her with me to my best friend's house, and she plays with her two daschunds.  They actually wrestle and it's so cute.  My roommate has two daschunds also, but the ones here are a lot more rough so she doesn't like them as much. She definitely has an attitude about her though, which makes me laugh.  If I get to far away from her in the apartment and she doesn't know where I am, she starts screaming until I peak my head around the corner, then she romps over to me and starts purring LOUDLY.  She is always determined to get her way, and if she doesn't want me to hold her, she yells at me and wriggles free.  Other times she can't be close enough to me.  She sleeps a lot on my pillow right next to my head.  I love her!!  So cute. 

lost... hmmm.

I feel like I'm in a hole lately.  I feel lost and I don't really know how to find my way back to myself.  This so isn't like me, I'm usually a happy bubbly person, but there are just so many things that aren't going my way right now and I feel like I'm sinking.  And then when I actually see myself write these words, it makes me feel selfish for all the other people that are going through things far worse than I am.  I feel low just because I'm complaining.  Lol... what a pickle!

I did something stupid last night.  I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday.  Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her.  This scenario still hurts me.  I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me.  I just don't feel like I deserved it.  I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?

So anyway.  About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook.  This completely surprised me.  They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will.  They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me.  Everything about us was just a big lie.  And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work.  Well, it didn't. But anyway...  those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me.  I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her.  She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me.  She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all.  I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog.  She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does.  But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me. 

Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now.  I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures.  Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey.  There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined.  Ok, that's fine.  After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible.  But why is it so easy for her to find someone?  She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me.  She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose.  It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness. 

So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her.  Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning.  It seemed so real.  In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times.  She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work.  She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with.  We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl.  No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds.  But anyway, that was it.  That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream.  We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being.  Lord I'm rambling I know. 

My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me.  That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great.  I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.

ooooooooh me...

Well that was fun.  I've just closed up shop on another crazy girl.  I swear I can only attract girls with severe issues, and I have no idea why.  I'm a relatively normal girl, just looking for a nice girl to build something lasting with, and yet I somehow always get stuck with people who are so completely wrong for me, or people who have the worst issues I could even imagine.  Why me, I ask?

So this one's name was Ash.  Actually, let me start with a little about me.  For those of you who don't know me personally, if I had to put some kind of label on myself, I'm fall more into the femme category.  I do my makeup, do my hair, love wearing big flowy dresses, and love feeling like a woman in all my glory.  That being said, for the most part in my past, I have been attracted to other femme girls.  Not exclusively, I'm not one to limit myself to any one stereotype at all, but that's just kinda how it's always happened, with dating anyway.  Actually, my major ex was actually a little tomboyish when we started dating, but per her requests, I ended up making her over with a new, more stylish hairdo, taught her how to do her makeup, and she actually started wearing girl clothes more and more.  I didn't ask her to do this, I think it was just in her all along, and for some reason I brought it out in her.  Her personality was still definitely the more 'studdish' one, but you'd never know it by looking at her after we'd been together for a bit.  But this is a whole 'nother story.  Back to Ash.

Ash is in denial.  She's a butch.  No question about it.  She wears boy clothes (baggy boy clothes), wears cologne, has a shaved head, all that jazz, but she thinks that because she wears mascara and eyeliner, that no one should ever question if she's butch or not, and despises the term butch.  Ok, whatever.  That's her thing.  Moving on, we'd started talking about 2, maybe 3 weeks ago.  She always seemed like she was out to impress me, but in an overbearing way.  She talked about her clothing a lot, about how she'd only shop at PacSun, about how she had a ton of different shoes, with different colors to match every outfit, and how she'd throw a pair of shoes away if they got one scuff mark on them.  Me, I'm the opposite.  I never iron my clothes.  I keep wearing my clothes until they fall apart.  I never plan out outfits, don't worry about if my shoes really truly match my clothes, with the exception of black versus brown.  I had to literally tell her that I didn't care to hear about it, I mean, not in a mean way at all, but I ended up just smiling and knodding a lot, and sometimes would even giggle because of how ridiculous I found it all to be.  Not that I find matching ridiculous, but when you have to explain every single outfit you're wearing to me in great detail, it's gonna get old.  Plus I could care less where you get your clothes, and as for me, I would rather wear something without a label, I'm certainly not getting paid to wear a company's clothes.  It's free advertising, and I'm not a corporate kinda gal.  Sorry, I keep getting off track.

Next, she had hung out with my friends and me a few times.  My friends and I are all really close, and they've become somewhat protective over me after seeing some of the whack jobs I've brought home lol.  So naturally, and this is more talking about my best friend Jamie than anyone else, but she likes to 'grill' the fresh meat.  I let her have her space when she's doing this, cuz I know there's no way around it, and to be honest I wanna kinda see how they react to it.  You can tell a lot about someone in regards to how they act around your friends.  Well, she pretty much failed the test.  She ended up getting pissy, got confrontational with my friends, and came to me later saying 'I think your friend is trying to hit on me and this is bullshit."  Um... ok.  wow.  My friend is straight, lives with her boyfriend (who was there all night as well), and it was just ridiculous.  But me being the nice person who always wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, sugar coated it and told myself that she was just stressed about meeting everyone and feeling like she was on the chopping block.  Why can't I just ever trust my gut instincts in the beginning?  They haven't failed me yet in the end. 

And then!  ok so she had this neighbor that she used to hang out with a lot.  I never met the guy but she had talked about how she would go and smoke ciggs on the front porch with him pretty much every night.  She later told me that she didn't like to hang out with him too much anymore after finding out that he smokes crack.  Great!  I was on the phone with her one time while she was outside smoking with him, and I heard him ask if I had any single friends.  She just laughed it off and said no.  Just yesterday, she was getting ready to come visit me and we were talking on the phone about what we wanted to do when she got out here.  She then told me that she wanted to introduce her crack smoking neighbor to my friend C, who happened to be the only single girl friend of mine that she'd met.  She said, "I think he'll like her a lot."  Wait, Im sorry, did you just suggest that you hook up my friend, who happens to be in the military, a single mother of two small children, got her shit together no bullshit kinda girl, to your crack smoking neighbor who just asked you for money not two days ago?  Guess what ladies and gents, when I said absolutely not, she started in on me for being 'judgemental.'  Yeah, I'm not kidding.  Are you fucking serious????? 

She told me she'd talk to me later, and I said don't bother, there'd be nothing to talk about.  Ten minutes later, she's sorry, she's calmed down and thought about it and realizes how right I am.  Yeah, I know, big red flags already I KNOW.  but, she ends up coming over last night anyway.  I've been sick with the flu for 3 days, so she wanted to come see me.  Ok, she gets here, and not even 10 minutes later, she asks me to rub her back.  I'm a nice girl, very attentive to my partner (not that she was my partner yet, but I'm just saying) and always looking to please others, so I did it.  For a good 30 minutes I gave her an amazing back rub, but wait a minute, aren't I the sick one here?  Aren't I the one that should be pampered?  Yeah, you'd think.

We later layed down to go to bed, she had fallen asleep on the couch so I woke her up to go to bed with me.  She apparently doesn't like to be woken up, and got pissed off at me and said 'why didn't you just leave me on the couch?  I hate being woken up!'  lol... wow.  I'm sorry, in my crazy twisted mind I thought she would have wanted me to, to go to bed with me.  We get in bed, she turns away from me, and then commands me to move closer to her, even though she was the one who moved away.  wtf.  I said no.  She said why not.  I said you're being a bitch.  Well damn, I've never seen that girl move that fast.  She whipped the covers off so fast, jumped outta bed, put her shoes on, and yelled at me that she didn't have time for this shit, she's been through this shit before, and nobody, and she means NOBODY calls her a bitch.  She then stood in my doorway with her back to me, as if she were waiting for me to crumple and go after her.  I didn't move a muscle.  I let her walk out.  I even laughed a bit when I heard the door slam.  I texted her to not call me again, and that enough was enough. What a psycho. 

I'm not even sure if this all accurately displays why she's so crazy.  Oh there was another thing I found out last night.  She's a felon apparently.  Assault charges from her ex's sister.  Yeah, she actually got into a physical fight with her ex's little sister. 

she texted me today that she bets I'm not even a lesbian.  What the hell?  Because you're crazy, that puts my sexuality in question?  And what a stupid thing to accuse someone of.  I mean for real.  Who the fuck cares.  Again, I don't like to put a label on myself, but as far as she was concerned, I was giving her a fair shot to date me exclusively.  It's just so stupid to me that lesbians sometimes get offended over someone not living up to a title.  I'm definitely not saying all of them, or us, or whoever, but do you know what I mean?  I love people for who they are, not their sexuality.  I mean isn't that what we're fighting for?  Acceptance no matter what?  Lol... sorry, again, getting sidetracked. 

I just don't understand why it seems to be so hard to find someone that I'm compatible with.  I make friends so easily, why is it so hard to find someone worth dating?  I just want someone nice and caring, and possibly someone who doesn't have to pop 4 xanex to get through a day.  Too much to ask?  I hope not.