lost... hmmm.

I feel like I'm in a hole lately.  I feel lost and I don't really know how to find my way back to myself.  This so isn't like me, I'm usually a happy bubbly person, but there are just so many things that aren't going my way right now and I feel like I'm sinking.  And then when I actually see myself write these words, it makes me feel selfish for all the other people that are going through things far worse than I am.  I feel low just because I'm complaining.  Lol... what a pickle!

I did something stupid last night.  I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday.  Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her.  This scenario still hurts me.  I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me.  I just don't feel like I deserved it.  I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?

So anyway.  About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook.  This completely surprised me.  They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will.  They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me.  Everything about us was just a big lie.  And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work.  Well, it didn't. But anyway...  those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me.  I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her.  She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me.  She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all.  I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog.  She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does.  But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me. 

Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now.  I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures.  Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey.  There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined.  Ok, that's fine.  After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible.  But why is it so easy for her to find someone?  She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me.  She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose.  It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness. 

So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her.  Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning.  It seemed so real.  In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times.  She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work.  She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with.  We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl.  No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds.  But anyway, that was it.  That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream.  We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being.  Lord I'm rambling I know. 

My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me.  That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great.  I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.