ok so this is me just scaring myself.

Well maybe not...  but I am scared just the same. 

I'm finding myself fall into old habits.  This particular habit was created in me by being in bad relationships that made me feel bad about myself.  But basically I'm finding that I'm constantly thinking about how scared I am that MJ is just going to walk away unexpectedly.  When I think about it logically, I don't think that she will, and I know that she is different and that she is actually someone I can be honest with, someone I can trust.  But just the same, it's creating this insecurity in me, which I'm sure is making its way to the surface, and could very easily turn me into this annoying and smothering girlfriend.  I don't really know how to shake this feeling, and I'm trying hard not to freak out.  I don't really know why this is even happening, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking that it's too good to be true and that this good thing won't last, simply just because i actually want it to.  I'm hoping that this feeling will go away and that with time I'll feel more comfortable with her, and be able to trust in us more. 

She hasn't done anything to make me feel like I can't trust her when she says she wants to be with me, so why is it that I'm feeling so insecure about it?  So far, I've been the one with the issues.  I've been the one that's scared.  I've been the one that she has had to reassure, sometimes repeatedly over the same topics.  I am really scared that my own insecurities about her leaving will be what leads to her actually leaving..  like I'm scared that I'm going to sabatage myself somehow.  I'm just scared that she's gonna get tired of reassuring me, and at this point I still feel like I need the reassurance sometimes.  How in the hell do I get out of this cycle?  I feel like it's the first time I've actually believed in someone else this much, so that's why I'm even that much more scared of losing it, and why I'm freaking out. 

Earlier this week, I had mentioned that we had a long talk til 4 in the morning.  During that convo, she expressed for the first time that she had freaked about something.  When I say she freaked about something, it was so minor and minuscule, and her reaction to it wasn't exactly 'freaking' as mine usually are, she is so calm and so the opposite of my crazy self.  But she did express that there was something that needed to be talked about, and so we talked about it.  She was calm, got right to the point, and knew exactly what it was that she wanted to say and express to me.  It was actually nice, like I said, that she came to me with the issue, and it was worked out.  So all in all, we talked it out, and it was refreshing to be able to say exactly what we're thinking without being scared of what the other person was thinking.  It wasn't weird the next day.  It was fine.  Yet I still have this voice in the back of my head. 

Another thing I'm thinking about is that I'm wondering if I've gotten this from my mother, or just from my past relationships.  MJ and I actually talked about this too.  But basically my mom is very happily married now and has been for 4 years.  But even in this happy marriage, as she was in all of her other fucked up relationships, she is scared to death to upset her partner.  At times it seems like she is walking on eggshells in her own house just scared to do anything or say anything that might upset him.  It is something that I've always noticed about her, and something that I've actually talked over with her too, about how I don't think she should be that way.  Her husband loves her very much, and so I feel that she shouldn't feel so scared to upset him.  She should feel comfortable enough in her relationship with him to be able to just be herself.  I don't want it to sound like she is always this scared little woman, because she's definitely not, but it's just at some points where it is very apparent and it bothers me.  And it is the very behavior in her that I feel I am now doing myself, in a way.  Just because MJ and I talked about her first ever 'issue' with us, I am scared to pieces for there to be another one, or for that same one to be repeated.  I don't want her to ever look at me and feel the least bit of dissappointment.  And YES I realize that she and i are still so new and that I'm being a tadbit dramatic, but DAMNIT.  I don't know how to turn my mind off either, or how to even set it to 'mild' instead of 'extreme'.  My mind just goes.  and I mean... IT GOES.  on and on and on.  It wanders and ends up making me worry about things that haven't even happened. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say after all of this is that I'm just scared.  All I want is to start a life with her, but I find myself wanting to make things happen too immediately because of my fear of seeing her walk away.  I'm not crazy, and I'm not wanting to control her or tie her down.  I'm trying to think about this as logically and objectively as possible.  I don't know how to just let things naturally happen without having this voice in the back of my head saying that I need to hold on tight or it'll slip away.  I wonder if any of this even makes any sense to any of you. 

Comments would be GREATLY appreciated in this matter.  I'd really like to hear some feedback.