Here we go.

I actually don't even know what to say or where to start...  I'm so confused with myself right now and I hate feeling this way and I hate that I STILL don't know how to find my way out of shit like this.  I feel like any choice I make will be the wrong one.  I feel like it's not even up to me to make a decision. 

I'm not a go with the flow kind of person.  It actually makes me crazy to just sit back and watch things happen, I want to be more involved and I feel like it will all blow up in my face if I just say that I'll come back to this later and make a decision.  Again, I think I get this from my mother.  She is a control freak, a really big one.  Like, for real, big time.  So I guess I got some of that wonderful little trait from her, yay me.  But I really just don't know how to just sit back and let things happen, when I know that it's hurting me, and that it's going to hurt me if I am able to see it all happening in front of me.

Confused enough yet?  I'm trying to be vague because I have a new reader!  But that was my decision, which was another one that I wanted to trust wouldn't come bite me in the ass.  So here it is.  MJ and I are friends now.  That's the decision that we came to together.  I have never been able to be friends with an ex, and I've just gotten the sting of remembering why.  I'm a softie.  And it's been easier for us to just be friends, and keep each other in our lives, so that we wouldn't have to feel the full on sting of the breakup.  And yes, we did break up, it's over, and I can say with 95% certainty that I haven't been hoping for us to get back together.  It's just been flat out nice to still be someone else's number one.  And that's probably been the issue that we hadn't realized until now.  We have still been talking just as much as we did when we were dating... yeah, seriously like all day everyday, we're in touch, and we know what the other person is doing.  I was actually at an all day wedding yesterday where my phone didn't get service, and by the end of the night, I felt like I needed to rush home so that I'd be able to talk to her on the phone.  I actually felt guilty for not being able to talk to her throughout the day, even though we're not even a couple.  So yeah, this isn't ideal, but it's been easy and nice and comfortable. 

And then today, I found out that she might have a new love interest.  She was very honest with me, she didn't try to hide it.  She and I are both on a well known dating online site (which is actually how we met) and she has been emailing a new girl back and forth over this weekend.  Ouch, that stings!  Why?  Well I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we've never really seperated ourselves, and so I haven't had time to prepare for the thought of her maybe talking to someone else.  She said that the other girl had given her her number, and that MJ planned on calling her. 

So, our predicament.  And don't worry kids, I had no issues telling her that it hurts me and that I don't know how to deal with it and all that stuff.  And yeah, it's not even anything yet to fret over, they only talked on the phone once tonight.  But it's scaring me because of how I'm reacting to this, and if it does turn out to be something more, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.  It seems too soon.  And I know she doesn't mean for it to be, but it seems hurtful.  I think it seems hurtful to me because I'm planning on going up to see her this Thursday, to be there for her and take care of her because she's having surgery, a procedure that's going to be pretty life altering.  I want to be there for her.  I want her to know that she has me to count on, that I'll always be there for her, but now it just feels like I'm a step in.  I don't want to feel this way, and she doesn't want me to feel this way, and she says that she still wants us to be friends and that it shouldn't be a conditional friendship.  But it's just hard for me.  I'm finding out today that it's just not that easy for me to turn off my feelings like a light switch, and there's been no warning of this coming.  We've still pretty much been each other's daily companions, even if it's just been over the phone for 3 weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.  It's just pretty shitty timing that this gets all jumbled up right before I want to be there for her in 3 days.  I don't want to be there and wonder who she's texting, and I know that that is just how my mind works.  I wish I didn't think that way.  I wish I didn't have so much jealousy in me.  I don't want to be this way, but I hurt and I don't know how to make it stop.  I'm just tired of always being the one who gets their feelings hurt.  I feel like I strive to do best by others, and I feel that I'm genuinely a good person, and that karma should be making its way back around to me, but it just seems like everything leads to one more dead end.  I'm tired of having a reason to tear up, or a reason for me to question if I'm doing what's really best for myself. 

I try to live so that if I do enough good and if I care enough about other people, it'll come back around to me.  It would just be nice for someone else to put my feelings first.  I don't even know what I'm asking for, but it always seems like it's just too much. 

I want to be there for her at the end of this week, and I still think I'm going to go.  I'd feel guilty for not going, and just get upset with myself.  I just wish I knew what to do with all this stuff in my head and heart.  I don't even know where to put it, which way to push it or pull it.