Wondering...

I'm wondering if I'm just freaking out because it's in me to do that, or if this is actually meaning something...

Something doesn't feel right.  I've been feeling something slightly uneasy since she told me that we needed to take a step back.  I respected her for saying so, but it feels like it also took some of the excitement out of it. 

Why does every new thing in life end up feeling like a new experiment?  I've been trying to cover up these uneasy feelings since that incident, and just enjoying the good things about us, but it seems like these feelings are coming to the surface again.  I'm just so scared to make a wrong decision, and it scares me that I feel like I can't trust my own judgement right now, because I'm still in it.  Yes, I know this is kinda heavy talk for someone I've only been dating for 2 months, and maybe I should just ignore all this, but I just still feel like I'm searching for something. 

I'll be 26 next month.  I know I'm not supposed to have all of the answers right now, but it'd be nice to have a couple.  At least my business seems to be picking up right now.  I'm feeling like maybe I should just concentrate on that, on bettering myself right now, of making something of myself, getting stable.  That is very important to me, and I'd probably start to feel a lot better about myself.  I recently sent out a promotion flyer to all of my clients, and it's definitely been working.  I've been getting phone calls everyday to make new appointments.  I sent them a flyer saying that I'd give them a 25% discount if they're able to refer one new client to me before the end of April.  I even made up these cute little coupons that my clients can hand out to the people they're refering, they just have to write their name on it as the referring client.  It's been exciting to see how many of my clients have called to tell me that I'll be hearing from their friends/coworkers/family members, and it's been a reminder for them too, to book their next appt with me, so I'm filling up faster than I ever have before.  Go me!  It was a good idea.  Even if it means I'm promoting myself in a town where I don't want to be.  I am creating a business there, sinking my roots in even deeper, but that's ok.  It's my only option right now.

I don't think I even wrote in here my big offer.  I have this client, Sandra.  I have been doing her hair for almost 3 years, and we've gotten to be good friends outside of just her hairdos.  She's in her late 30s, and she owns a couple businesses.  I've partied hard with her, confided in her about my ridiculous relationships, we've done fundraisers together, and she has become somewhat of a mentor in my life.  She's always been very supportive of me, she's purchased a couple of my paintings and has always been willing to lend a helping hand when I've been lost and in need of some kind words.  I've done the same for her, and seen her through a couple silly girlfriends.  I absolutely love her current lady, and have become close with her as well.  I do both of their hairdos, and now do the gf's kids' hairs too.  Anyway, the last time I did their hair, after a couple cocktails in S's kitchen, they sat me down and told me that they have been doing a lot of thinking.  Sandra absolutely loves the business world, and has been 'itching' to open up a new one.  She and her gf 'Little One' came up with the idea of opening up a salon, and they want me to run it.  Neither one of them know anything about the salon industry, but they believe in me and my talent, and think it would be a fun adventure.  They know that I don't have any money to put into the business, and they're not asking for anything.  They said that I would be able to take home 100% of my profits in return for being their manager.  I would be able to hire whoever I wanted, use whatever products I wanted, basically make all the decisions, and they would handle all on the business end.  Can you imagine someone just laying that opportunity at your feet?

They offered me this about a month after MJ and I started talking.  I did some thinking about it, talked to MJ about it, talked to both of my parents about it, and came to the conclusion that I didn't want to take this offer because of the fact that I didn't want to get tied down in that area.  I'll admit that one of the bigger factors was also that I knew MJ wouldn't be able to move to my city based on her job.  So I didn't want to be tied there, and she couldn't move there.  I'm now wondering if I should reconsider.  It now sounds like an awful lot to pass up at this point.  I may be open to rethinking that decision.  I'm going to think about it for a while.  It could be just the thing that I need to make me feel great right now.  MJ was supportive of the idea when it was offered to me.  She said that if we're meant to be then we'll make it work.  Maybe I need to just do it.  How many times is an offer like that going to pop up in my life?

Oh geez... here I go again.  Thinking thinking thinking.