Wow. Still in shock.

And even more so now.  I'm finding out more and more about the reality of the relationship that I had with this girl  'X' that i was talking about.  After talking to J, her other ex, more tonight, we're still piecing things together.  She knows a helluva lot more than I do, cuz 'X' confided in her about all the shit she was doing to me.  After the convo tonight, I feel like a major dumbass.  Like...  i don't even know.  I know it's not worth talking about, much less even worrying about or thinking about, but I have just never been this blindsided by someone.  I knew I had been through heartbreak, and bad relationships before, but I just can't believe how much this takes the fucking cake.  I just can't believe all of the lies, I can't even piece them together.  Every single thing that we had together was a lie.  And it wasn't even a good lie.  All of the cheating.  Finding out now that I was pretty much always 'the other woman' and I didn't even know it.  I wasn't even the other woman, I was probably one of many.  I know this feeling will pass by tomorrow, but right now, it's just a little hard to breathe. 

And get this shit!  I made a new lesbian friend recently, and we just figured out that we both have a history with this girl!  and we live like 2 hours apart.  Luckily she didn't stick around as long as I did.  But she, too, was 'the other woman' and didn't realize it at first. She was with her just this year, while 'X' was with the girl that she left me for in the end.  And she was one of many, as I'm hearing from a few different people.   I'm just mortified.  I've just always thought that I have a good idea of who people are.  'X' even told me a few times that it scared her how much she thought I could read her, and how no one else ever could.  Well I apparently couldn't read her enough. 

I know that this all happened over a year ago, and I'm so thankful for that, but it still just jolts you to know that your own history isn't what you thought it was.  I'll get over it.  It's just crazy.  I literally can't wrap my head around everything that was going on.  I couldn't even write it all out if I wanted to.  To now know that I was cuddling her on the couch in her grandfather's hospital room as he lay there dying... and she was actually still with someone else while this was happening.  To now know that when her car broke down when she was on her way to meet my family for superbowl sunday 3 years ago, and I came out to save her, she was actually texting her other gf asking her to come save her first, but she couldn't because she was at work.  All of the lies.  All of the secrets. 

Ok, I'm fine.  I just had to vent this out.  I really am just jolted.  But I'm fine.  Just crazy.