Past couple days have been tough on my heart. As in it's ability to beat at a normal pace. As in racing. As in hard to breathe.
First, yesterday morning, I was at work with only one other coworker, the boss man's son. It was a quiet morning, as most tuesday mornings are, and I was lounging in the chair that I usually use for my clients, reading my book. All of a sudden, out of the corner of my left eye, I see this GIGANTIC SPIDER running towards me, coming from the front door. And I mean huge. and I mean running. towards. me. I threw my legs up and jumped up into the chair and screamed so loud that the ladies from the aerobics place next door came running. I have never seen a spider that big in person, just crawling around and not in a cage at a pet store or something. It was literally the size of the palm of my hand. Anyway, it ended up running under my chair and past me on over to the next chair. I was still screaming, and my coworker thinks it's hilarious. He catches it in a jar, and then proceeds to chase me around the salon with this damn jar filled with my worst nightmare. I literally couldn't breathe with ease for at least an hour. He ended up flushing it down the toilet.
And then tonight. A, the girl I'm seeing, definitely likes to ruffle my feathers. Am I really that funny when I'm freaking out? I don't think so, but then again, it's me that's freaking out. ha... so. She calls me and tells me that she needs to talk to me about something. Said that her friend has just found out that she's pregnant. That her friend already has two kids and is struggling, and is wanting A to adopt her unborn baby. Yes, I know it's a pretty far fetched story, especially when I type it out, but she painted a pretty convincing picture. I freaked out lol. I didn't even know what to say, as we're still getting to know each other.. but I mean that's a pretty big deal if you're just starting to date someone, to know that they might be parenting a new baby in 9 months lol. Ok this all just sounds silly typing it out, but believe me, she had me going for a minute or two. I was pacing my room, and my voice got high pitched and flustered and finally she busted out laughing and said it was all a joke. She's gonna get it.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
still a fav
ok this ad can always make me crack up laughing. have a looksie. Make sure your sound is on, it's the best part of it.
weight loss
Oh, what a nice little journey I'm beginning.
I think my weight might be a big part of the reason I'm feeling depressed lately. I'm just not happy with myself. I've been wanting to go vegetarian for a long time, and I now have been for one week. I still eat fish and seafood, but I'm glad I've finally cut out all the red meat and poultry.
My goal is to drop about 70 lbs. I'd actually be happy just losing about 60, maybe 55, but acording to all the charts and BMI stuff I'm supposed to lose about 70 for my height. I was reading over Tommy's new weight loss blog and all I was thinking is that's something I need to be doing for myself, really setting up a plan. Cutting out meat is a big step, but it's not enough. I'm thinking about joining weight watchers. I think I'd have more luck with it if I'm forced to actually go to meetings and weigh in. It'd make it more of a focus for me.
Goal for tomorrow: call weight watchers and find out how much it costs and what it all entails and stuffy stuff.
I also made one of these things that I also found on Tommy's blog, it's pretty sweet. wait I lost the link for it, I'll post it later. dangit.
I think my weight might be a big part of the reason I'm feeling depressed lately. I'm just not happy with myself. I've been wanting to go vegetarian for a long time, and I now have been for one week. I still eat fish and seafood, but I'm glad I've finally cut out all the red meat and poultry.
My goal is to drop about 70 lbs. I'd actually be happy just losing about 60, maybe 55, but acording to all the charts and BMI stuff I'm supposed to lose about 70 for my height. I was reading over Tommy's new weight loss blog and all I was thinking is that's something I need to be doing for myself, really setting up a plan. Cutting out meat is a big step, but it's not enough. I'm thinking about joining weight watchers. I think I'd have more luck with it if I'm forced to actually go to meetings and weigh in. It'd make it more of a focus for me.
Goal for tomorrow: call weight watchers and find out how much it costs and what it all entails and stuffy stuff.
I also made one of these things that I also found on Tommy's blog, it's pretty sweet. wait I lost the link for it, I'll post it later. dangit.
Monday, October 5, 2009
icing on the cake.
Well you wouldn't believe what I woke up to this morning. Ash, the girl I just kicked to the curb, texted me 'I miss you.' and she texted it 4 times, until i responded. I said 'it'll pass' and she asked 'why are you being like that?'
I was a little in shock over the situation. I didn't even know how I should respond, coldly or nicely. I wanted to just shake her and say WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE CRAZY!!! But I couldn't do that. But I mean, just three days ago she left in the middle of the night so fast that it made my head spin, and the day after that she was trying to put me down by saying 'i bet you're not even a lesbian' and to lose her number, and now she's saying she misses me. I feel bad for the girl. She obviously has a lot of issues that I don't even know how to begin to try to break down, but I know I can't be the person that helps her. She doens't miss me, she misses the idea of having someone, which is something that I miss too, but luckily I know the difference at this point.
I told her she's got to be kidding me, and she said that she just wanted me to know she was sorry. I told her it was fine but that I'm done. She texted me an hour later saying 'talk to me'. I then had to put my foot down and tell her she needed to stop, that I was done. I seriously hate hurting people, especially when I know a little about her past and what she's been through (not a whole lot of good) but I just can't be the person who fixes everyone else. I've tried that, and learned the hard way that it doesn't work.
Today is my little sister's 22nd birthday, and we're all going out to dinner tonight. I've been stuck in the house for 3 days being sick, and I'm really looking foward to getting out. I think I really need it at this point, I'm feeling kinda depressed, and even when I feel just a little bit more on the sour side than the sweet side, it takes a big tole on me. We're going to a hibatchi place, I guess it's become a tradition for her birthday for the past few years. My dad and evil stepmother are going, which means they're footing the bill, which I have NOOOOOO problem with lol. Hellooo pitchers of sake with plum wine!! Should be fun, our cousin is coming and some of sissy's friends.
I was a little in shock over the situation. I didn't even know how I should respond, coldly or nicely. I wanted to just shake her and say WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE CRAZY!!! But I couldn't do that. But I mean, just three days ago she left in the middle of the night so fast that it made my head spin, and the day after that she was trying to put me down by saying 'i bet you're not even a lesbian' and to lose her number, and now she's saying she misses me. I feel bad for the girl. She obviously has a lot of issues that I don't even know how to begin to try to break down, but I know I can't be the person that helps her. She doens't miss me, she misses the idea of having someone, which is something that I miss too, but luckily I know the difference at this point.
I told her she's got to be kidding me, and she said that she just wanted me to know she was sorry. I told her it was fine but that I'm done. She texted me an hour later saying 'talk to me'. I then had to put my foot down and tell her she needed to stop, that I was done. I seriously hate hurting people, especially when I know a little about her past and what she's been through (not a whole lot of good) but I just can't be the person who fixes everyone else. I've tried that, and learned the hard way that it doesn't work.
Today is my little sister's 22nd birthday, and we're all going out to dinner tonight. I've been stuck in the house for 3 days being sick, and I'm really looking foward to getting out. I think I really need it at this point, I'm feeling kinda depressed, and even when I feel just a little bit more on the sour side than the sweet side, it takes a big tole on me. We're going to a hibatchi place, I guess it's become a tradition for her birthday for the past few years. My dad and evil stepmother are going, which means they're footing the bill, which I have NOOOOOO problem with lol. Hellooo pitchers of sake with plum wine!! Should be fun, our cousin is coming and some of sissy's friends.
Baby Kitty
I got a kitten a couple weeks ago, and for some reason my phone wouldn't let me send pictures to my email, but I figured it all out so now I can post pics of her! She's now about 10 weeks old, and her name is Adalie (rhymes with Natalie).
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She's super playful and vocal. She follows me everywhere when we're at home, and I even take her with me to my best friend's house, and she plays with her two daschunds. They actually wrestle and it's so cute. My roommate has two daschunds also, but the ones here are a lot more rough so she doesn't like them as much. She definitely has an attitude about her though, which makes me laugh. If I get to far away from her in the apartment and she doesn't know where I am, she starts screaming until I peak my head around the corner, then she romps over to me and starts purring LOUDLY. She is always determined to get her way, and if she doesn't want me to hold her, she yells at me and wriggles free. Other times she can't be close enough to me. She sleeps a lot on my pillow right next to my head. I love her!! So cute.
She's super playful and vocal. She follows me everywhere when we're at home, and I even take her with me to my best friend's house, and she plays with her two daschunds. They actually wrestle and it's so cute. My roommate has two daschunds also, but the ones here are a lot more rough so she doesn't like them as much. She definitely has an attitude about her though, which makes me laugh. If I get to far away from her in the apartment and she doesn't know where I am, she starts screaming until I peak my head around the corner, then she romps over to me and starts purring LOUDLY. She is always determined to get her way, and if she doesn't want me to hold her, she yells at me and wriggles free. Other times she can't be close enough to me. She sleeps a lot on my pillow right next to my head. I love her!! So cute.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
lost... hmmm.
I feel like I'm in a hole lately. I feel lost and I don't really know how to find my way back to myself. This so isn't like me, I'm usually a happy bubbly person, but there are just so many things that aren't going my way right now and I feel like I'm sinking. And then when I actually see myself write these words, it makes me feel selfish for all the other people that are going through things far worse than I am. I feel low just because I'm complaining. Lol... what a pickle!
I did something stupid last night. I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday. Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her. This scenario still hurts me. I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me. I just don't feel like I deserved it. I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?
So anyway. About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook. This completely surprised me. They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will. They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me. Everything about us was just a big lie. And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work. Well, it didn't. But anyway... those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me. I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her. She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me. She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all. I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog. She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does. But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me.
Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now. I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures. Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey. There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined. Ok, that's fine. After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible. But why is it so easy for her to find someone? She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me. She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose. It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness.
So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her. Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning. It seemed so real. In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times. She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work. She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with. We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl. No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds. But anyway, that was it. That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream. We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being. Lord I'm rambling I know.
My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me. That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great. I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.
I did something stupid last night. I've been single since April, actually since one day before my birthday. Yeah, the ex left me on the day before my birthday, to go back to her ex because I wasn't ready to pop out a baby after a very rough year of on and off dating with her. This scenario still hurts me. I don't miss her, I know we just weren't right for each other, and I actually wish her happiness, but the scenario still hurts me. I just don't feel like I deserved it. I'm not going to sit here and say that I dwell on this on a daily basis, because I certainly don't, but why is it that when you're feeling low you end up thinking about all the bad stuff that just makes it worse?
So anyway. About a month ago, a couple of her friends added me on facebook. This completely surprised me. They had always liked me, I had even hung out with them a couple times after the break up, and they all said they took my side and knew I deserved better, and told me I was better off without her because they've seen first hand how badly she's destroyed people at will. They also informed me of all of the 'secrets' that they were told to keep quiet about around me. Everything about us was just a big lie. And some of it I knew, but i still always hoped for the best because we seemed to want all of the same things and our families liked each other, and from the outside it just really seemed to work. Well, it didn't. But anyway... those friends added me on facebook and said HEYYYY long time no see, you know, all the typical catch up stuff, and it rattled me. I never had a problem with them at all, but I didn't like having any kind of ties to her. She had always been very nosey about her ex's lives, and I didn't want her to be able to keep tabs on me. She actually has a blog as well, and I won't even let myself read it because I don't want to hear it all. I was the one that got her into blogging, and I'm the only person that knows about her blog. She only writes in it to make me jealous or upset, or at least that's what she was doing shortly after the break up, I have no idea what she writes in it now, or if she even still does. But yeah, I started this blog after the breakup and completely deleted my one before it, just so that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me.
Back to my something stupid, those friends of hers and I are friends on facebook now. I went to one of their pages, and looked at her pictures. Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bunch of pictures of my ex on there, with her current girlfriend, being all lovey dovey. There's even a picture of both of their left hands, now adorned with engagement rings, fingers intertwined. Ok, that's fine. After all, I don't miss her, I know she's wrong for me in every way possible. But why is it so easy for her to find someone? She was horrible to me, and horrible to her exes before me. She's hurt so many people so badly, and on purpose. It just hurts me that she's so happy out there (whatever her version of happy is) and I'm still here just trying to find my happiness.
So after I looked at all those pics last night, I actually had a dream about her. Sometimes you wake up from dreams and they are clearly dreams and most of the time you forget about them in minutes, but my dream from last night is just really sitting in my head, and took me a while to snap out of it when i woke up this morning. It seemed so real. In my dream she had called me and wanted me to do her hair, which was pretty much the same way we had started dating again a few times. She'd be back with the ex (who is now the current) but call me to ask me to do her hair, and I'd agree of course, just wanting to see her, still in the mind set of thinking we might work. She'd come see me, I'd do her hair, and it'd be done with. We were always very attracted to each other, both got weak in the knees just being in each other's presence, and right away she'd be coming up with a plan on how to leave her girl. No, we never cheated, as bad as this scenario all sounds. But anyway, that was it. That was my dream, that she wanted to see me again, and I just lit up inside thinking about it, in my dream. We saw each other, details are kinda blurry now, but I just woke up thinking that she was in my life again, back in the happy way, not in the destructive way that it always ended up being. Lord I'm rambling I know.
My friends keep telling me that it's comin for me. That karma is just right around the corner and I deserve something really great. I'm just holding on to their every word, and trying to keep a smile on my face til I can feel it.
ooooooooh me...
Well that was fun. I've just closed up shop on another crazy girl. I swear I can only attract girls with severe issues, and I have no idea why. I'm a relatively normal girl, just looking for a nice girl to build something lasting with, and yet I somehow always get stuck with people who are so completely wrong for me, or people who have the worst issues I could even imagine. Why me, I ask?
So this one's name was Ash. Actually, let me start with a little about me. For those of you who don't know me personally, if I had to put some kind of label on myself, I'm fall more into the femme category. I do my makeup, do my hair, love wearing big flowy dresses, and love feeling like a woman in all my glory. That being said, for the most part in my past, I have been attracted to other femme girls. Not exclusively, I'm not one to limit myself to any one stereotype at all, but that's just kinda how it's always happened, with dating anyway. Actually, my major ex was actually a little tomboyish when we started dating, but per her requests, I ended up making her over with a new, more stylish hairdo, taught her how to do her makeup, and she actually started wearing girl clothes more and more. I didn't ask her to do this, I think it was just in her all along, and for some reason I brought it out in her. Her personality was still definitely the more 'studdish' one, but you'd never know it by looking at her after we'd been together for a bit. But this is a whole 'nother story. Back to Ash.
Ash is in denial. She's a butch. No question about it. She wears boy clothes (baggy boy clothes), wears cologne, has a shaved head, all that jazz, but she thinks that because she wears mascara and eyeliner, that no one should ever question if she's butch or not, and despises the term butch. Ok, whatever. That's her thing. Moving on, we'd started talking about 2, maybe 3 weeks ago. She always seemed like she was out to impress me, but in an overbearing way. She talked about her clothing a lot, about how she'd only shop at PacSun, about how she had a ton of different shoes, with different colors to match every outfit, and how she'd throw a pair of shoes away if they got one scuff mark on them. Me, I'm the opposite. I never iron my clothes. I keep wearing my clothes until they fall apart. I never plan out outfits, don't worry about if my shoes really truly match my clothes, with the exception of black versus brown. I had to literally tell her that I didn't care to hear about it, I mean, not in a mean way at all, but I ended up just smiling and knodding a lot, and sometimes would even giggle because of how ridiculous I found it all to be. Not that I find matching ridiculous, but when you have to explain every single outfit you're wearing to me in great detail, it's gonna get old. Plus I could care less where you get your clothes, and as for me, I would rather wear something without a label, I'm certainly not getting paid to wear a company's clothes. It's free advertising, and I'm not a corporate kinda gal. Sorry, I keep getting off track.
Next, she had hung out with my friends and me a few times. My friends and I are all really close, and they've become somewhat protective over me after seeing some of the whack jobs I've brought home lol. So naturally, and this is more talking about my best friend Jamie than anyone else, but she likes to 'grill' the fresh meat. I let her have her space when she's doing this, cuz I know there's no way around it, and to be honest I wanna kinda see how they react to it. You can tell a lot about someone in regards to how they act around your friends. Well, she pretty much failed the test. She ended up getting pissy, got confrontational with my friends, and came to me later saying 'I think your friend is trying to hit on me and this is bullshit." Um... ok. wow. My friend is straight, lives with her boyfriend (who was there all night as well), and it was just ridiculous. But me being the nice person who always wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, sugar coated it and told myself that she was just stressed about meeting everyone and feeling like she was on the chopping block. Why can't I just ever trust my gut instincts in the beginning? They haven't failed me yet in the end.
And then! ok so she had this neighbor that she used to hang out with a lot. I never met the guy but she had talked about how she would go and smoke ciggs on the front porch with him pretty much every night. She later told me that she didn't like to hang out with him too much anymore after finding out that he smokes crack. Great! I was on the phone with her one time while she was outside smoking with him, and I heard him ask if I had any single friends. She just laughed it off and said no. Just yesterday, she was getting ready to come visit me and we were talking on the phone about what we wanted to do when she got out here. She then told me that she wanted to introduce her crack smoking neighbor to my friend C, who happened to be the only single girl friend of mine that she'd met. She said, "I think he'll like her a lot." Wait, Im sorry, did you just suggest that you hook up my friend, who happens to be in the military, a single mother of two small children, got her shit together no bullshit kinda girl, to your crack smoking neighbor who just asked you for money not two days ago? Guess what ladies and gents, when I said absolutely not, she started in on me for being 'judgemental.' Yeah, I'm not kidding. Are you fucking serious?????
She told me she'd talk to me later, and I said don't bother, there'd be nothing to talk about. Ten minutes later, she's sorry, she's calmed down and thought about it and realizes how right I am. Yeah, I know, big red flags already I KNOW. but, she ends up coming over last night anyway. I've been sick with the flu for 3 days, so she wanted to come see me. Ok, she gets here, and not even 10 minutes later, she asks me to rub her back. I'm a nice girl, very attentive to my partner (not that she was my partner yet, but I'm just saying) and always looking to please others, so I did it. For a good 30 minutes I gave her an amazing back rub, but wait a minute, aren't I the sick one here? Aren't I the one that should be pampered? Yeah, you'd think.
We later layed down to go to bed, she had fallen asleep on the couch so I woke her up to go to bed with me. She apparently doesn't like to be woken up, and got pissed off at me and said 'why didn't you just leave me on the couch? I hate being woken up!' lol... wow. I'm sorry, in my crazy twisted mind I thought she would have wanted me to, to go to bed with me. We get in bed, she turns away from me, and then commands me to move closer to her, even though she was the one who moved away. wtf. I said no. She said why not. I said you're being a bitch. Well damn, I've never seen that girl move that fast. She whipped the covers off so fast, jumped outta bed, put her shoes on, and yelled at me that she didn't have time for this shit, she's been through this shit before, and nobody, and she means NOBODY calls her a bitch. She then stood in my doorway with her back to me, as if she were waiting for me to crumple and go after her. I didn't move a muscle. I let her walk out. I even laughed a bit when I heard the door slam. I texted her to not call me again, and that enough was enough. What a psycho.
I'm not even sure if this all accurately displays why she's so crazy. Oh there was another thing I found out last night. She's a felon apparently. Assault charges from her ex's sister. Yeah, she actually got into a physical fight with her ex's little sister.
she texted me today that she bets I'm not even a lesbian. What the hell? Because you're crazy, that puts my sexuality in question? And what a stupid thing to accuse someone of. I mean for real. Who the fuck cares. Again, I don't like to put a label on myself, but as far as she was concerned, I was giving her a fair shot to date me exclusively. It's just so stupid to me that lesbians sometimes get offended over someone not living up to a title. I'm definitely not saying all of them, or us, or whoever, but do you know what I mean? I love people for who they are, not their sexuality. I mean isn't that what we're fighting for? Acceptance no matter what? Lol... sorry, again, getting sidetracked.
I just don't understand why it seems to be so hard to find someone that I'm compatible with. I make friends so easily, why is it so hard to find someone worth dating? I just want someone nice and caring, and possibly someone who doesn't have to pop 4 xanex to get through a day. Too much to ask? I hope not.
So this one's name was Ash. Actually, let me start with a little about me. For those of you who don't know me personally, if I had to put some kind of label on myself, I'm fall more into the femme category. I do my makeup, do my hair, love wearing big flowy dresses, and love feeling like a woman in all my glory. That being said, for the most part in my past, I have been attracted to other femme girls. Not exclusively, I'm not one to limit myself to any one stereotype at all, but that's just kinda how it's always happened, with dating anyway. Actually, my major ex was actually a little tomboyish when we started dating, but per her requests, I ended up making her over with a new, more stylish hairdo, taught her how to do her makeup, and she actually started wearing girl clothes more and more. I didn't ask her to do this, I think it was just in her all along, and for some reason I brought it out in her. Her personality was still definitely the more 'studdish' one, but you'd never know it by looking at her after we'd been together for a bit. But this is a whole 'nother story. Back to Ash.
Ash is in denial. She's a butch. No question about it. She wears boy clothes (baggy boy clothes), wears cologne, has a shaved head, all that jazz, but she thinks that because she wears mascara and eyeliner, that no one should ever question if she's butch or not, and despises the term butch. Ok, whatever. That's her thing. Moving on, we'd started talking about 2, maybe 3 weeks ago. She always seemed like she was out to impress me, but in an overbearing way. She talked about her clothing a lot, about how she'd only shop at PacSun, about how she had a ton of different shoes, with different colors to match every outfit, and how she'd throw a pair of shoes away if they got one scuff mark on them. Me, I'm the opposite. I never iron my clothes. I keep wearing my clothes until they fall apart. I never plan out outfits, don't worry about if my shoes really truly match my clothes, with the exception of black versus brown. I had to literally tell her that I didn't care to hear about it, I mean, not in a mean way at all, but I ended up just smiling and knodding a lot, and sometimes would even giggle because of how ridiculous I found it all to be. Not that I find matching ridiculous, but when you have to explain every single outfit you're wearing to me in great detail, it's gonna get old. Plus I could care less where you get your clothes, and as for me, I would rather wear something without a label, I'm certainly not getting paid to wear a company's clothes. It's free advertising, and I'm not a corporate kinda gal. Sorry, I keep getting off track.
Next, she had hung out with my friends and me a few times. My friends and I are all really close, and they've become somewhat protective over me after seeing some of the whack jobs I've brought home lol. So naturally, and this is more talking about my best friend Jamie than anyone else, but she likes to 'grill' the fresh meat. I let her have her space when she's doing this, cuz I know there's no way around it, and to be honest I wanna kinda see how they react to it. You can tell a lot about someone in regards to how they act around your friends. Well, she pretty much failed the test. She ended up getting pissy, got confrontational with my friends, and came to me later saying 'I think your friend is trying to hit on me and this is bullshit." Um... ok. wow. My friend is straight, lives with her boyfriend (who was there all night as well), and it was just ridiculous. But me being the nice person who always wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, sugar coated it and told myself that she was just stressed about meeting everyone and feeling like she was on the chopping block. Why can't I just ever trust my gut instincts in the beginning? They haven't failed me yet in the end.
And then! ok so she had this neighbor that she used to hang out with a lot. I never met the guy but she had talked about how she would go and smoke ciggs on the front porch with him pretty much every night. She later told me that she didn't like to hang out with him too much anymore after finding out that he smokes crack. Great! I was on the phone with her one time while she was outside smoking with him, and I heard him ask if I had any single friends. She just laughed it off and said no. Just yesterday, she was getting ready to come visit me and we were talking on the phone about what we wanted to do when she got out here. She then told me that she wanted to introduce her crack smoking neighbor to my friend C, who happened to be the only single girl friend of mine that she'd met. She said, "I think he'll like her a lot." Wait, Im sorry, did you just suggest that you hook up my friend, who happens to be in the military, a single mother of two small children, got her shit together no bullshit kinda girl, to your crack smoking neighbor who just asked you for money not two days ago? Guess what ladies and gents, when I said absolutely not, she started in on me for being 'judgemental.' Yeah, I'm not kidding. Are you fucking serious?????
She told me she'd talk to me later, and I said don't bother, there'd be nothing to talk about. Ten minutes later, she's sorry, she's calmed down and thought about it and realizes how right I am. Yeah, I know, big red flags already I KNOW. but, she ends up coming over last night anyway. I've been sick with the flu for 3 days, so she wanted to come see me. Ok, she gets here, and not even 10 minutes later, she asks me to rub her back. I'm a nice girl, very attentive to my partner (not that she was my partner yet, but I'm just saying) and always looking to please others, so I did it. For a good 30 minutes I gave her an amazing back rub, but wait a minute, aren't I the sick one here? Aren't I the one that should be pampered? Yeah, you'd think.
We later layed down to go to bed, she had fallen asleep on the couch so I woke her up to go to bed with me. She apparently doesn't like to be woken up, and got pissed off at me and said 'why didn't you just leave me on the couch? I hate being woken up!' lol... wow. I'm sorry, in my crazy twisted mind I thought she would have wanted me to, to go to bed with me. We get in bed, she turns away from me, and then commands me to move closer to her, even though she was the one who moved away. wtf. I said no. She said why not. I said you're being a bitch. Well damn, I've never seen that girl move that fast. She whipped the covers off so fast, jumped outta bed, put her shoes on, and yelled at me that she didn't have time for this shit, she's been through this shit before, and nobody, and she means NOBODY calls her a bitch. She then stood in my doorway with her back to me, as if she were waiting for me to crumple and go after her. I didn't move a muscle. I let her walk out. I even laughed a bit when I heard the door slam. I texted her to not call me again, and that enough was enough. What a psycho.
I'm not even sure if this all accurately displays why she's so crazy. Oh there was another thing I found out last night. She's a felon apparently. Assault charges from her ex's sister. Yeah, she actually got into a physical fight with her ex's little sister.
she texted me today that she bets I'm not even a lesbian. What the hell? Because you're crazy, that puts my sexuality in question? And what a stupid thing to accuse someone of. I mean for real. Who the fuck cares. Again, I don't like to put a label on myself, but as far as she was concerned, I was giving her a fair shot to date me exclusively. It's just so stupid to me that lesbians sometimes get offended over someone not living up to a title. I'm definitely not saying all of them, or us, or whoever, but do you know what I mean? I love people for who they are, not their sexuality. I mean isn't that what we're fighting for? Acceptance no matter what? Lol... sorry, again, getting sidetracked.
I just don't understand why it seems to be so hard to find someone that I'm compatible with. I make friends so easily, why is it so hard to find someone worth dating? I just want someone nice and caring, and possibly someone who doesn't have to pop 4 xanex to get through a day. Too much to ask? I hope not.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Home.
Well I'm home from my 4 days away with the family. I was up in DC visiting my grandfather who's just been diagnosed with alzheimer's, and also visiting my brand new baby nephew Logan. It was an exhausting and stressful trip.
Logan was born a month early, and his tiny little body is having trouble digesting food, he's jaundice (sp?), so he's not gaining any weight, actually he'd lost a pound by the time we saw him (a week after his birth), and a pound is a lot when you only weigh 6 lbs. We got to see him at home, but as of Tuesday he was back in the hospital. They had him in NICU for 3 days, and he's now doing a lot better, having now gained back 6 ounces. His jaundice is going down, and things are looking good for him, but he'll be kept in the hospital for at least another week to make sure he keeps this up. I'll post some pictures up soon, he's so tiny! And besides all the stuff going on, he's perfect. I've already claimed the 'favorite aunt' title hehe.
My Grandpa (Pappy) isn't doing so well though. It's difficult to even recognize him now. He can't hold a conversation, and often times starts talking about things that make no sense. He's really going downhill fast, and it's been really hard on my Nana. They live in a home, but she is still having to do a lot for him. He's actually staying in the psych ward now, in a different building, and she's having to go over there and do his laundry and take care of him on a daily basis. He's always been a very stubborn man, and now he's very confused and at times it makes him very upset and vicious with everyone. He hates where he's having to stay now, and because of the constant confusion, he thinks he's being punished. It was heartbreaking when we first got there, he was fighting with an orderly, and being very forceful and loud with her, and as soon as he saw us, he walked over to my sister and me, hugged us tightly and burst into tears. He just held us there for a good 2 minutes. I have never seen this man cry in my life. This is just so hard, to see someone who's always been so headstrong, just fading away.
We did have some good times with him though. I'll write more later, and put up some pictures. I just got home, gotta work early and all day tomorrow, and im sooooo tired!
Logan was born a month early, and his tiny little body is having trouble digesting food, he's jaundice (sp?), so he's not gaining any weight, actually he'd lost a pound by the time we saw him (a week after his birth), and a pound is a lot when you only weigh 6 lbs. We got to see him at home, but as of Tuesday he was back in the hospital. They had him in NICU for 3 days, and he's now doing a lot better, having now gained back 6 ounces. His jaundice is going down, and things are looking good for him, but he'll be kept in the hospital for at least another week to make sure he keeps this up. I'll post some pictures up soon, he's so tiny! And besides all the stuff going on, he's perfect. I've already claimed the 'favorite aunt' title hehe.
My Grandpa (Pappy) isn't doing so well though. It's difficult to even recognize him now. He can't hold a conversation, and often times starts talking about things that make no sense. He's really going downhill fast, and it's been really hard on my Nana. They live in a home, but she is still having to do a lot for him. He's actually staying in the psych ward now, in a different building, and she's having to go over there and do his laundry and take care of him on a daily basis. He's always been a very stubborn man, and now he's very confused and at times it makes him very upset and vicious with everyone. He hates where he's having to stay now, and because of the constant confusion, he thinks he's being punished. It was heartbreaking when we first got there, he was fighting with an orderly, and being very forceful and loud with her, and as soon as he saw us, he walked over to my sister and me, hugged us tightly and burst into tears. He just held us there for a good 2 minutes. I have never seen this man cry in my life. This is just so hard, to see someone who's always been so headstrong, just fading away.
We did have some good times with him though. I'll write more later, and put up some pictures. I just got home, gotta work early and all day tomorrow, and im sooooo tired!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Finally finished.
I finally finished my '100 Things About Me' post, it's right under this one. I'm going to be going outta town for the week. My grandfather's been diagnosed with alzheimers, and the whole family is going to see him while he can still recognize us. Good news though, my stepbrother and his wife just had a baby, and they're in the same town as my Pappy. So it'll be a busy trip, good and bad. I'll be back friday! Tryin to get stuff down around the house before I leave, even though I'm pretty sure it'll be a disaster when I get home. Oh well... whateryagonnadooooo???
Hope everyone has a good week.
Hope everyone has a good week.
100 Things About Me-2009
I don't even know where to start. This will probably be more interesting for me to write than for you to read, but please, proceed anyway! :-)
1. My name is Kelly Marie.
2. My name was chosen by my mom's first husband, when she was 18. She divorced at 19 and married my father when she was 27. She stuck with my name all those years.
3. My parents divorced when I was 10, after 11 unhappy years of marriage. I always hear other people say they're sad their parents divorced, but I couldn't have been happier as a kid to see them split.
4. I have one little sister, Katie. I despised her when we were younger, she annoyed me to the core. But now I see that she was just always looking up to me and trying to be like me. This isn't the case now, but we get along pretty well these days. I'm so happy for this.
5. I'm a big family person, and daydream at least once a day about what it'll be like when I have one of my own.
6. I'm a big homebody. I like the comfort of being in my own area.
7. I can also be very social, but usually only comfortable in groups where I know the majority of the people.
8. I get bad anxiety when I'm around a lot of people I don't know, especially in party settings. I clam up and get very shy. I have gotten a lot better with talking to people I don't know, but that feeling still comes out every now and then.
9. My favorite color is purple.
10. I have a purple purse, purple wallet, and purple phone (to be reactivated tomorrow).
11. I frequently wear black clothing. Not because I'm goth or anything, but because it makes me look thinner.
12. If I see an article of clothing that I like but I don't like the color, I'll buy it anyway and use RIT dye to change the color. I even dyed my down comforter.
13. I love to paint, and decorate. These go hand in hand a lot of the time, I have painted some of my lamp shades, some lamp stands, a table, and various other things around my house.
14. I have big plans for when I actually have a house of my own. My mailbox will either be painted or covered in mosaic tiles, my front porch steps will be covered in mosaic tiles, and I've been planning out some murals and things I want to paint in the house. Every room will have a touch of me.
15. I've been doing hair for 5 years, and although I love what I do, I'm considering a career change. At the rate I'm making money, it'd be years and years before I'm able to simply live comfortably, much less raise a family. I'm very good at what I do, and I work in a beautiful salon, but I struggle with money between every single paycheck. I'm 25 years old, and I feel like I should be making much more money right now.
16. I could probably make more money doing hair at a different salon, one that's primary clientele is walk ins (versus my salon which is primarily appointment based) but I actually think that I am too much of a hair snob to take a step down. I've had extensive training from very experienced people in this industry, and I really think that it would take a huge punch to my ego to move to a lower end salon.
17. Before I started doing hair, I sold insurance. My entire family sells insurance, but at the age of 18, it definitely wasn't on my top list of choice careers. Now that I'm getting older and having to provide for myself, I'm regretting the day I let my insurance license lapse. It's time to grow up and get a big girl job.
18. By 'big girl job,' I'm not at all putting down the hair industry. I love it. Absolutely love it. I've definitely found a niche for myself. But money is pretty parallel to my survival!
19. Romantically, I'm completely hopeless. I've had 2 bad relationship in the past 5 years, and I long to just find someone to settle down with and come home to.
20. Since I was about 19, I've identified myself as being a lesbian. I have had mindful slip ups a couple of times, wondering if maybe I'm looking for love in the wrong place, but they are always thoughts that are very short lived. I know who I am, and I know I love women, inside and out.
21. When I was younger, I was more free with myself and my love life, but I've gotten much more conservative with myself and my sexual behavior through the years. I don't enjoy emotionless sex anymore, it's just not worth it to me these days. I'd much rather wait until there's something there, something worth celebrating.
22. And having said that! Let me say this. I love sex and everything about it. I think a good sexual appetite is healthy and a part of a normal healthy life, as long as you're not hurting anyone. I'm just more protective of my hoo-hoo these days. Or maybe it's that I'm more protective of my heart.
23. I've been living in the same town that I grew up in, all my life, and as of this year, I no longer talk to one person that I went to high school with. For the most part, I was never a fan of the kids I went to school with. I went to the 'rich' high school, with a lot of snobby and mean kids, and there were a lot of drugs. I never felt that I fit in, and grew up thinking I wasn't good enough because I didn't fit in with these kids. High school was the worst 4 years of my life.
24. To be completely honest, I sometimes still get that old feeling back of thinking I'm not 'cool' or good enough. It all stems from where I grew up. But I then remind myself that I've made completely new friends and lasting friendships based on who I am now. But there's still that feeling sometimes when I meet someone new, that shy feeling of wondering if they'll think I'm worth their time.
25. Despite that feeling, I'm confident in myself in a lot of things, and it apparently shows. A good friend of mine told me this a couple months ago, that she wishes she were as confident as I am. I was completely surprised when she said this.
26. I'm very close with my mom, and if it weren't for her, I'd much more seriously consider moving away from this city.
27. I think about moving away a lot. Financially, it'd be in impossibility right now. But I would like to at some point.
28. I'm not very close with my dad, but the one thing I did get from him is our taste in music. He raised me on classic rock, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
29. The Beatles were the all time favorite, and my sister and I are going to be getting tattoos for it. They're meant to be 'sister' tattoos. Hers will say "All You Need Is Love," and mine will say "Love Is All You Need." These will both probably be on our lower backs. We're trying to talk my dad into paying for them, but it's going to take some more coaxing. He's not totally exited about tattoos haha.
30. I'm only to number 30, and I need a break. I'm gonna do some painting. One of my favorite movies is Across the Universe, and I just turned it on when the 'strawberry fields forever' scene was playing. He's flinging paint all over the room during this song, and it always makes me wanna paint. Will return and finish this later!
31. I totally and completely believe in karma.
32. I was raised Christian, but don't agree with it. To be honest, I never have. I hated going to church when I was young. In my teenage years, I went just for the purpose of making friends, and I even kissed my first boy in church. After high school, I joined the music team at our church, just so that I could sing on stage, not for the purpose of praising God. It was never about that for me. I don't go to church anymore, except on Christmas, just out of respect for my mother, and for the sake of tradition.
33. I don't agree with organized religion. For the most part, the people that I've come into contact with who claim to be devout Christians are the people who end up excusing themselves from punishment for less than respectable behavior.
34. I think that life is about being a good person, no matter what your faith. This is where karma comes into play.
35. I get emotional over silly things, and stay pretty calm during actual big things. For instance, I cry sometimes when people win things on The Price Is Right. I get so excited I guess, just to see other people that happy and excited. No, I'm not kidding, I couldn't make this up if I tried. On the other hand, when my grandma passed away, I was really calm and collected when my uncle told me the news. I was a mess at the funeral, but it took a few days for it to sink in, and for me to shed the tears.
36. Back to the religion issue, I see myself being much more spiritual than religious. To me, it's something very personal. I feel overwhelmed and thankful for my life here when I feel at one with nature, if that makes any sense. All I need is a sunny day on the beach listening to the sound of the waves, or to see a rainbow, or feel the breeze through my hair, and I'm all set. I can just look up at whatever's up there, if there is something up there, and feel nothing but beautiful and lucky and healthy.
37. I'll use this number... because it's sort of my lucky number. My lucky number is actually 137. Yes, i know it's odd, and the story behind it is kinda funny. It was my first school bus number when I was in first through third grade. My bus driver, Ms. Pat, had a full stereo system installed in the bus, and would blast music the whole way home everyday. We all had so much fun on that bus, and the number has just always stuck with me. Whenever I happen to look at the clock and it says 1:37, chances are I'm having a great day.
38. I have a habit of starting books and not finishing them. Right now I've got 3 books open.
39. I absolutely hate doing laundry. I can do any kind of chore around the house with a smile on my face, but just not laundry.
40. I can't walk in high heels. I look ridiculous, and usually end up tripping on something.
41. I'm totally unorganized with money. As a hairstylist, I get cash tips handed to me often, and usually just stuff them in my pocket. While I was just doing the dreaded laundry, I found $40 in the dryer.
42. I absolutely hate any kind of clicking, beeping, or any other kind of annoying noises. Repetitive noises are like nails on a chalkboard to me. It's become an ongoing joke in my salon, and my coworkers will click pens or tap the front desk in an effort to get a rise out of me. I literally flip out and I can't even help it. haha.
43. It has come to my recent attention that when something annoys me, the noises or otherwise, I immediately say 'STOP IT!' in a tone that is about an octive higher than my normal voice. I was never actually aware that I did this on a regular basis, until we were playing a drinking game at the neighbor's house. We were playing drunken jenga (my friend and I wrote funny drinking game things on each piece of the jenga game, and you have to pull one piece out, complete the task, and then stack it on top, like regular jenga) and one of the pegs she pulled said 'impersonate the person to your left'. I was to her left, and she immediately started screaming 'STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!' really loud and high pitched. I looked at her like... huh? and of course everyone started laughing, because it was completely accurate.
44. I love tomatoes, but hate red sauce.
45. I love cooking, but hate going to the grocery store.
46. Actually I hate any type of shopping. If I could do all my shopping online I would be a happy girl.
47. I especially hate going to the mall. I hate the crowds, and all the fluorescent lighting, I get an instant headache anytime I go in there.
48. I can be a procrastinator. Probably why this post is taking me so long to complete, even though I know I want to.
49. I have a guitar, but don't know how to play it.
50. I did ballet for eight years when I was younger. My biggest regret in life is quitting. I was always the youngest girl in all my classes, was very advanced for my age. But when my parents got divorced, we moved to the other side of the city so my mom couldn't drive me to my ballet academy as often as I had been going, so I had to try to find another academy near me. Even at 12 years old, I was too advanced for any school that my mom gave me the option of going to, so I quit. I wish I had just stuck with it until I was old enough to drive myself to the good school. My teachers at the good school had danced in ballet's all over Europe, and were from Italy. Nothing like anything you'd find here.
51. I also used to play the piano when I was younger. But I quit that because my piano teacher was a creepy old lady that lived in our neighborhood. I hated going to her house for lessons. I would like to start playing again though.
52. When I was in middle school, the movie "Titanic" had just come out and was really big. I was in the chorus and of course, we sang the Titanic song. I played the piano for the song while the chorus sang it. I know how to read music, but when I'm playing a song, I play it from memory. I'll only check in with the actual music on front of me if I'm still learning the song, but I never follow it note for note. We performed this 3 times during school hours for the different grades, and then the big performance was at night.
53. During the big performance at night, the auditorium was completely filled with all of our parents and friends that decided to come. My hands were a little shaky, and in the middle of the song, I forgot where I was in the song. I completely froze, and the whole chorus turned around to stare at me along with the whole auditorium of people. I had to flip through pages of music to figure out where I was while the whole room was silent and staring at me. Finally found my place about 30 seconds later (it felt like an hour) and finished the song out. We got a standing ovation hahaha.
54. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's the big holiday in my family for us all to get together. Everyone in my family can cook, and we all pitch in. It's always the absolute best meal of the year.
55. I was a vegetarian for a year. I quit when Thanksgiving came around. Maybe I'm weak, or maybe our turkeys are always just that good.
56. I want to become a vegetarian again. Thanksgiving is only a couple months away. I've cut out red meat, I'll cut out poultry after. :-)
57. If I wasn't a hairstylist, I'd probably never do my hair.
58. I like my hair to be curly and messy and even a little frizzy sometimes. Very anti-hairstylist. I'd never style any of my clients to have hair like mine haha. Everyone wants their hair to be straight and smooth. I think that's boring, on me anyway.
59. I like big jewelry. The dainty stuff was never for me.
60. I'd rather have jewelry that's big and fake, rather than small and 'real'. I'd be happy with cubic zurconia for my engagement ring, as long as it's my style. Or actually... I want a big ole' amethyst lol.
61. I don't like spiders, but I love snakes.
62. I saw the second Lord of the Rings movie before I saw the first.
63. I'd wear flip flops everyday if I could.
64. I'm not a sweets person. I really have to be in the mood for something sweet.
65. My weakness is pasta with any kind of cream sauce. MMMMmmmmm...
66. I very rarely follow trends in clothing. I especially hate those shoes that are 'in' right now. The flat ones with the straps that go up around your ankle. I don't think they're flattering on anyone.
67. I value my alone time. I may have already said something like this, but there's no one in my house today and I'm totally loving it.
68. My maternal grandfather's just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I've never been close with him. I don't get emotional about it until I see my mom get emotional about it, then my heart aches. I hate to see that woman hurting.
69. I'm not a fan of video games. I think people should spend more time outside, or with an actual hobby, like they used to way back when. I hate that my 33 year old roommate and neighbor sit in the house all day and play video games. there are days when they'll only leave the house to get a new video game.
70. As of 9-8-09, I'm an auntie for the first time. My step brother and his wife just had a beautiful baby boy, Logan David. I get to go see him tomorrow.
71. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. It sometimes takes a while for people to get used to. One of my exes said that for the first month we knew each other, she thought I was just a major bitch, rather than a total softy with a slick sense of humor.
72. I used to want to go to nursing school, but I don't think I could handle it. I can handle blood and all that, but the site of broken bones literally makes me weak and nauseous. I also don't think I could deal with seeing people die right in front of me.
73. I love the smell of haircolor (well the kind we use at our salon anyway). I love how I can smell it all day after I get my hair colored.
74. I'd much rather be freezing than too hot. I absolutely hate sweating, it makes me feel disgusting. Unless I'm working out, that's different. You know what I mean.
75. But! only because there's an exception to every rule, I love going in saunas (as long as there's a cool pool or shower to jump into after). But after all is said and done, my skin always feels so clean after sitting in a sauna, cuz it purges all the impurities from your pores. Love it.
76. I hate it when my skin doesn't feel super smooth on my face. I scrub my skin with one of those shower gloves everyday to get the dead skin off. Even if I miss one day of doing this, my skin feels gross to me.
77. I was always the only person I knew that hated sweet tea, so I always just thought that I hated tea. For the first time, I tried unsweetened tea about a 6 months ago, and now it's my favorite drink. Turns out I just hated how sweet it was haha.
78. I hate ketchup by itself, but I love ketchup and mayo mixed together. This is the best dipping sauce for anything that you'd normally just dip in ketchup.
79. I'm a very touchy feely and affectionate person. I love touching and giving hugs to everyone and cuddling with those I'm close with. I even hug a lot of my clients. My boss is the same way. He always says he has to get in 10 hugs a day.
80. I read the book "The 5 Love Languages" and realized that 'physical touch' and 'quality time' are the two biggest ways that I feel loved and give love to others.
81. I'm a taurus, and my sign is pretty much dead on accurate with who I am.
82. Whenever I start dating someone, I find out what their sign is, and go to Astrologyzone.com to see if we're compatible. So far, that site has also been dead on accurate. My last three exes were geminis (who I'm supposed to not be compatible with) and that site pretty much told me all the reasons why we wouldn't work out as a couple. It was exactly those reasons why we didn't work. I haven't always believed in astrology, I mean it's silly if you think about it, but yeah, I'm listenin now.
83. I have a strong need to feel self sufficient, but also a need to feel taken care of when I'm in a relationship.
84. My year! I was born in 1984.
85. My favorite man in the whole world is Bailey, my old man cat. I've had him since I was 10.
86. I'm definitely a cat person. I like dogs too, but would prefer to always have cats around. I just love their attitudes and quirkiness, and they also smell 10 times better. I love the smell of cat breath. If I end up not marrying (highly doubt this, but still) I'll probably be one of those crazy cat ladies with like 12 cats. lol.
87. The sound of a cat purring always calms me down, especially if i'm cuddling with the kitty and I can actually feel the purr. One of my simple joys in life.
88. I'm not into sports or athletics, but I love going to football and baseball games. I just love the atmosphere and being with that many people cheering something on. So much fun. But I'll never be able to actually follow a game haha.
89. When I started hair school, my hair was halfway down my back. When I got out of hairschool, it was up near my chin. If you want to keep your long hair, don't go to hair school. This scenario happened to EVERY SINGLE girl in there. Not one girl got out with long hair.
90. When it comes to politics, I'm very liberal when it comes to social issues. Extremely liberal with social issues. But I also truly believe that everyone should have to work for what they have or want. I'm 25, broke as shit, and seriously struggling with money, but you'll never see me take a 'hand out' from the government. It's way too abused in this country.
91. I definitely believe in abortion, and think that it's the right thing to do in some cases. I had one when I was 18, and it was the best decision I ever made. It definitely was difficult to deal with, but I wouldn't change that decision.
92. I know I want kids, but this world we live in scares me to have to raise kids in. I know I'll be a strict parent, and now that I'm older, I understand why my mom was strict as well.
93. I love to knit, but all i know how to do are scarves lol. yep, just the one straight line.
94. I'm obsessed with sudoku.
95. My big dream in life is to own my own coffee shop. I have the whole place planned out in my head, how it will look and such. I know i'll also want acoustic live music played in there often, and to have one big wall where local artists can display their work. Just a couple ideas I have for it.
96. I really like to spread out when I sleep. If I sleep in the same bed with you, we must be pretty close. This isn't because I'm stingy about who I sleep next to, it's because there's a good chance you'll have one of my arms or legs on top of you by morning.
97. I like my room to be really cool when I sleep. That way I can cuddle up in my big comforter. I have a fan on year-round, I don't care how cool it is outside.
98. I also don't wear any clothes to bed. I must move around a lot when I sleep because if I'm wearing clothes, I wake up with them all twisted around me and tight. I hate that. So if I'm sleeping next to someone I can't be naked around, chances are I'll wake up a few times during the night to have to situate my clothing.
99. I hate the song 99 red balloons. Or at least one version of it that has this girl singing with a really high pitched voice. It's not the original, but it sometimes plays in the salon and I cringe every time and tell our receptionist to go to the next song. ick.
100!!!! Wow I made it. I actually finished this. It only took 4 separate sittings to do it. I'll have to make this last one a real humdinger. Ok here goes: I have really big boobs but really small nipples. hahaha. Apparently, they're pretty hot. My last ex actually even asked me if I'd show my boobs to her sister who is also gay, just because she was so impressed with them. Yay me.
1. My name is Kelly Marie.
2. My name was chosen by my mom's first husband, when she was 18. She divorced at 19 and married my father when she was 27. She stuck with my name all those years.
3. My parents divorced when I was 10, after 11 unhappy years of marriage. I always hear other people say they're sad their parents divorced, but I couldn't have been happier as a kid to see them split.
4. I have one little sister, Katie. I despised her when we were younger, she annoyed me to the core. But now I see that she was just always looking up to me and trying to be like me. This isn't the case now, but we get along pretty well these days. I'm so happy for this.
5. I'm a big family person, and daydream at least once a day about what it'll be like when I have one of my own.
6. I'm a big homebody. I like the comfort of being in my own area.
7. I can also be very social, but usually only comfortable in groups where I know the majority of the people.
8. I get bad anxiety when I'm around a lot of people I don't know, especially in party settings. I clam up and get very shy. I have gotten a lot better with talking to people I don't know, but that feeling still comes out every now and then.
9. My favorite color is purple.
10. I have a purple purse, purple wallet, and purple phone (to be reactivated tomorrow).
11. I frequently wear black clothing. Not because I'm goth or anything, but because it makes me look thinner.
12. If I see an article of clothing that I like but I don't like the color, I'll buy it anyway and use RIT dye to change the color. I even dyed my down comforter.
13. I love to paint, and decorate. These go hand in hand a lot of the time, I have painted some of my lamp shades, some lamp stands, a table, and various other things around my house.
14. I have big plans for when I actually have a house of my own. My mailbox will either be painted or covered in mosaic tiles, my front porch steps will be covered in mosaic tiles, and I've been planning out some murals and things I want to paint in the house. Every room will have a touch of me.
15. I've been doing hair for 5 years, and although I love what I do, I'm considering a career change. At the rate I'm making money, it'd be years and years before I'm able to simply live comfortably, much less raise a family. I'm very good at what I do, and I work in a beautiful salon, but I struggle with money between every single paycheck. I'm 25 years old, and I feel like I should be making much more money right now.
16. I could probably make more money doing hair at a different salon, one that's primary clientele is walk ins (versus my salon which is primarily appointment based) but I actually think that I am too much of a hair snob to take a step down. I've had extensive training from very experienced people in this industry, and I really think that it would take a huge punch to my ego to move to a lower end salon.
17. Before I started doing hair, I sold insurance. My entire family sells insurance, but at the age of 18, it definitely wasn't on my top list of choice careers. Now that I'm getting older and having to provide for myself, I'm regretting the day I let my insurance license lapse. It's time to grow up and get a big girl job.
18. By 'big girl job,' I'm not at all putting down the hair industry. I love it. Absolutely love it. I've definitely found a niche for myself. But money is pretty parallel to my survival!
19. Romantically, I'm completely hopeless. I've had 2 bad relationship in the past 5 years, and I long to just find someone to settle down with and come home to.
20. Since I was about 19, I've identified myself as being a lesbian. I have had mindful slip ups a couple of times, wondering if maybe I'm looking for love in the wrong place, but they are always thoughts that are very short lived. I know who I am, and I know I love women, inside and out.
21. When I was younger, I was more free with myself and my love life, but I've gotten much more conservative with myself and my sexual behavior through the years. I don't enjoy emotionless sex anymore, it's just not worth it to me these days. I'd much rather wait until there's something there, something worth celebrating.
22. And having said that! Let me say this. I love sex and everything about it. I think a good sexual appetite is healthy and a part of a normal healthy life, as long as you're not hurting anyone. I'm just more protective of my hoo-hoo these days. Or maybe it's that I'm more protective of my heart.
23. I've been living in the same town that I grew up in, all my life, and as of this year, I no longer talk to one person that I went to high school with. For the most part, I was never a fan of the kids I went to school with. I went to the 'rich' high school, with a lot of snobby and mean kids, and there were a lot of drugs. I never felt that I fit in, and grew up thinking I wasn't good enough because I didn't fit in with these kids. High school was the worst 4 years of my life.
24. To be completely honest, I sometimes still get that old feeling back of thinking I'm not 'cool' or good enough. It all stems from where I grew up. But I then remind myself that I've made completely new friends and lasting friendships based on who I am now. But there's still that feeling sometimes when I meet someone new, that shy feeling of wondering if they'll think I'm worth their time.
25. Despite that feeling, I'm confident in myself in a lot of things, and it apparently shows. A good friend of mine told me this a couple months ago, that she wishes she were as confident as I am. I was completely surprised when she said this.
26. I'm very close with my mom, and if it weren't for her, I'd much more seriously consider moving away from this city.
27. I think about moving away a lot. Financially, it'd be in impossibility right now. But I would like to at some point.
28. I'm not very close with my dad, but the one thing I did get from him is our taste in music. He raised me on classic rock, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
29. The Beatles were the all time favorite, and my sister and I are going to be getting tattoos for it. They're meant to be 'sister' tattoos. Hers will say "All You Need Is Love," and mine will say "Love Is All You Need." These will both probably be on our lower backs. We're trying to talk my dad into paying for them, but it's going to take some more coaxing. He's not totally exited about tattoos haha.
30. I'm only to number 30, and I need a break. I'm gonna do some painting. One of my favorite movies is Across the Universe, and I just turned it on when the 'strawberry fields forever' scene was playing. He's flinging paint all over the room during this song, and it always makes me wanna paint. Will return and finish this later!
31. I totally and completely believe in karma.
32. I was raised Christian, but don't agree with it. To be honest, I never have. I hated going to church when I was young. In my teenage years, I went just for the purpose of making friends, and I even kissed my first boy in church. After high school, I joined the music team at our church, just so that I could sing on stage, not for the purpose of praising God. It was never about that for me. I don't go to church anymore, except on Christmas, just out of respect for my mother, and for the sake of tradition.
33. I don't agree with organized religion. For the most part, the people that I've come into contact with who claim to be devout Christians are the people who end up excusing themselves from punishment for less than respectable behavior.
34. I think that life is about being a good person, no matter what your faith. This is where karma comes into play.
35. I get emotional over silly things, and stay pretty calm during actual big things. For instance, I cry sometimes when people win things on The Price Is Right. I get so excited I guess, just to see other people that happy and excited. No, I'm not kidding, I couldn't make this up if I tried. On the other hand, when my grandma passed away, I was really calm and collected when my uncle told me the news. I was a mess at the funeral, but it took a few days for it to sink in, and for me to shed the tears.
36. Back to the religion issue, I see myself being much more spiritual than religious. To me, it's something very personal. I feel overwhelmed and thankful for my life here when I feel at one with nature, if that makes any sense. All I need is a sunny day on the beach listening to the sound of the waves, or to see a rainbow, or feel the breeze through my hair, and I'm all set. I can just look up at whatever's up there, if there is something up there, and feel nothing but beautiful and lucky and healthy.
37. I'll use this number... because it's sort of my lucky number. My lucky number is actually 137. Yes, i know it's odd, and the story behind it is kinda funny. It was my first school bus number when I was in first through third grade. My bus driver, Ms. Pat, had a full stereo system installed in the bus, and would blast music the whole way home everyday. We all had so much fun on that bus, and the number has just always stuck with me. Whenever I happen to look at the clock and it says 1:37, chances are I'm having a great day.
38. I have a habit of starting books and not finishing them. Right now I've got 3 books open.
39. I absolutely hate doing laundry. I can do any kind of chore around the house with a smile on my face, but just not laundry.
40. I can't walk in high heels. I look ridiculous, and usually end up tripping on something.
41. I'm totally unorganized with money. As a hairstylist, I get cash tips handed to me often, and usually just stuff them in my pocket. While I was just doing the dreaded laundry, I found $40 in the dryer.
42. I absolutely hate any kind of clicking, beeping, or any other kind of annoying noises. Repetitive noises are like nails on a chalkboard to me. It's become an ongoing joke in my salon, and my coworkers will click pens or tap the front desk in an effort to get a rise out of me. I literally flip out and I can't even help it. haha.
43. It has come to my recent attention that when something annoys me, the noises or otherwise, I immediately say 'STOP IT!' in a tone that is about an octive higher than my normal voice. I was never actually aware that I did this on a regular basis, until we were playing a drinking game at the neighbor's house. We were playing drunken jenga (my friend and I wrote funny drinking game things on each piece of the jenga game, and you have to pull one piece out, complete the task, and then stack it on top, like regular jenga) and one of the pegs she pulled said 'impersonate the person to your left'. I was to her left, and she immediately started screaming 'STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!' really loud and high pitched. I looked at her like... huh? and of course everyone started laughing, because it was completely accurate.
44. I love tomatoes, but hate red sauce.
45. I love cooking, but hate going to the grocery store.
46. Actually I hate any type of shopping. If I could do all my shopping online I would be a happy girl.
47. I especially hate going to the mall. I hate the crowds, and all the fluorescent lighting, I get an instant headache anytime I go in there.
48. I can be a procrastinator. Probably why this post is taking me so long to complete, even though I know I want to.
49. I have a guitar, but don't know how to play it.
50. I did ballet for eight years when I was younger. My biggest regret in life is quitting. I was always the youngest girl in all my classes, was very advanced for my age. But when my parents got divorced, we moved to the other side of the city so my mom couldn't drive me to my ballet academy as often as I had been going, so I had to try to find another academy near me. Even at 12 years old, I was too advanced for any school that my mom gave me the option of going to, so I quit. I wish I had just stuck with it until I was old enough to drive myself to the good school. My teachers at the good school had danced in ballet's all over Europe, and were from Italy. Nothing like anything you'd find here.
51. I also used to play the piano when I was younger. But I quit that because my piano teacher was a creepy old lady that lived in our neighborhood. I hated going to her house for lessons. I would like to start playing again though.
52. When I was in middle school, the movie "Titanic" had just come out and was really big. I was in the chorus and of course, we sang the Titanic song. I played the piano for the song while the chorus sang it. I know how to read music, but when I'm playing a song, I play it from memory. I'll only check in with the actual music on front of me if I'm still learning the song, but I never follow it note for note. We performed this 3 times during school hours for the different grades, and then the big performance was at night.
53. During the big performance at night, the auditorium was completely filled with all of our parents and friends that decided to come. My hands were a little shaky, and in the middle of the song, I forgot where I was in the song. I completely froze, and the whole chorus turned around to stare at me along with the whole auditorium of people. I had to flip through pages of music to figure out where I was while the whole room was silent and staring at me. Finally found my place about 30 seconds later (it felt like an hour) and finished the song out. We got a standing ovation hahaha.
54. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's the big holiday in my family for us all to get together. Everyone in my family can cook, and we all pitch in. It's always the absolute best meal of the year.
55. I was a vegetarian for a year. I quit when Thanksgiving came around. Maybe I'm weak, or maybe our turkeys are always just that good.
56. I want to become a vegetarian again. Thanksgiving is only a couple months away. I've cut out red meat, I'll cut out poultry after. :-)
57. If I wasn't a hairstylist, I'd probably never do my hair.
58. I like my hair to be curly and messy and even a little frizzy sometimes. Very anti-hairstylist. I'd never style any of my clients to have hair like mine haha. Everyone wants their hair to be straight and smooth. I think that's boring, on me anyway.
59. I like big jewelry. The dainty stuff was never for me.
60. I'd rather have jewelry that's big and fake, rather than small and 'real'. I'd be happy with cubic zurconia for my engagement ring, as long as it's my style. Or actually... I want a big ole' amethyst lol.
61. I don't like spiders, but I love snakes.
62. I saw the second Lord of the Rings movie before I saw the first.
63. I'd wear flip flops everyday if I could.
64. I'm not a sweets person. I really have to be in the mood for something sweet.
65. My weakness is pasta with any kind of cream sauce. MMMMmmmmm...
66. I very rarely follow trends in clothing. I especially hate those shoes that are 'in' right now. The flat ones with the straps that go up around your ankle. I don't think they're flattering on anyone.
67. I value my alone time. I may have already said something like this, but there's no one in my house today and I'm totally loving it.
68. My maternal grandfather's just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I've never been close with him. I don't get emotional about it until I see my mom get emotional about it, then my heart aches. I hate to see that woman hurting.
69. I'm not a fan of video games. I think people should spend more time outside, or with an actual hobby, like they used to way back when. I hate that my 33 year old roommate and neighbor sit in the house all day and play video games. there are days when they'll only leave the house to get a new video game.
70. As of 9-8-09, I'm an auntie for the first time. My step brother and his wife just had a beautiful baby boy, Logan David. I get to go see him tomorrow.
71. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. It sometimes takes a while for people to get used to. One of my exes said that for the first month we knew each other, she thought I was just a major bitch, rather than a total softy with a slick sense of humor.
72. I used to want to go to nursing school, but I don't think I could handle it. I can handle blood and all that, but the site of broken bones literally makes me weak and nauseous. I also don't think I could deal with seeing people die right in front of me.
73. I love the smell of haircolor (well the kind we use at our salon anyway). I love how I can smell it all day after I get my hair colored.
74. I'd much rather be freezing than too hot. I absolutely hate sweating, it makes me feel disgusting. Unless I'm working out, that's different. You know what I mean.
75. But! only because there's an exception to every rule, I love going in saunas (as long as there's a cool pool or shower to jump into after). But after all is said and done, my skin always feels so clean after sitting in a sauna, cuz it purges all the impurities from your pores. Love it.
76. I hate it when my skin doesn't feel super smooth on my face. I scrub my skin with one of those shower gloves everyday to get the dead skin off. Even if I miss one day of doing this, my skin feels gross to me.
77. I was always the only person I knew that hated sweet tea, so I always just thought that I hated tea. For the first time, I tried unsweetened tea about a 6 months ago, and now it's my favorite drink. Turns out I just hated how sweet it was haha.
78. I hate ketchup by itself, but I love ketchup and mayo mixed together. This is the best dipping sauce for anything that you'd normally just dip in ketchup.
79. I'm a very touchy feely and affectionate person. I love touching and giving hugs to everyone and cuddling with those I'm close with. I even hug a lot of my clients. My boss is the same way. He always says he has to get in 10 hugs a day.
80. I read the book "The 5 Love Languages" and realized that 'physical touch' and 'quality time' are the two biggest ways that I feel loved and give love to others.
81. I'm a taurus, and my sign is pretty much dead on accurate with who I am.
82. Whenever I start dating someone, I find out what their sign is, and go to Astrologyzone.com to see if we're compatible. So far, that site has also been dead on accurate. My last three exes were geminis (who I'm supposed to not be compatible with) and that site pretty much told me all the reasons why we wouldn't work out as a couple. It was exactly those reasons why we didn't work. I haven't always believed in astrology, I mean it's silly if you think about it, but yeah, I'm listenin now.
83. I have a strong need to feel self sufficient, but also a need to feel taken care of when I'm in a relationship.
84. My year! I was born in 1984.
85. My favorite man in the whole world is Bailey, my old man cat. I've had him since I was 10.
86. I'm definitely a cat person. I like dogs too, but would prefer to always have cats around. I just love their attitudes and quirkiness, and they also smell 10 times better. I love the smell of cat breath. If I end up not marrying (highly doubt this, but still) I'll probably be one of those crazy cat ladies with like 12 cats. lol.
87. The sound of a cat purring always calms me down, especially if i'm cuddling with the kitty and I can actually feel the purr. One of my simple joys in life.
88. I'm not into sports or athletics, but I love going to football and baseball games. I just love the atmosphere and being with that many people cheering something on. So much fun. But I'll never be able to actually follow a game haha.
89. When I started hair school, my hair was halfway down my back. When I got out of hairschool, it was up near my chin. If you want to keep your long hair, don't go to hair school. This scenario happened to EVERY SINGLE girl in there. Not one girl got out with long hair.
90. When it comes to politics, I'm very liberal when it comes to social issues. Extremely liberal with social issues. But I also truly believe that everyone should have to work for what they have or want. I'm 25, broke as shit, and seriously struggling with money, but you'll never see me take a 'hand out' from the government. It's way too abused in this country.
91. I definitely believe in abortion, and think that it's the right thing to do in some cases. I had one when I was 18, and it was the best decision I ever made. It definitely was difficult to deal with, but I wouldn't change that decision.
92. I know I want kids, but this world we live in scares me to have to raise kids in. I know I'll be a strict parent, and now that I'm older, I understand why my mom was strict as well.
93. I love to knit, but all i know how to do are scarves lol. yep, just the one straight line.
94. I'm obsessed with sudoku.
95. My big dream in life is to own my own coffee shop. I have the whole place planned out in my head, how it will look and such. I know i'll also want acoustic live music played in there often, and to have one big wall where local artists can display their work. Just a couple ideas I have for it.
96. I really like to spread out when I sleep. If I sleep in the same bed with you, we must be pretty close. This isn't because I'm stingy about who I sleep next to, it's because there's a good chance you'll have one of my arms or legs on top of you by morning.
97. I like my room to be really cool when I sleep. That way I can cuddle up in my big comforter. I have a fan on year-round, I don't care how cool it is outside.
98. I also don't wear any clothes to bed. I must move around a lot when I sleep because if I'm wearing clothes, I wake up with them all twisted around me and tight. I hate that. So if I'm sleeping next to someone I can't be naked around, chances are I'll wake up a few times during the night to have to situate my clothing.
99. I hate the song 99 red balloons. Or at least one version of it that has this girl singing with a really high pitched voice. It's not the original, but it sometimes plays in the salon and I cringe every time and tell our receptionist to go to the next song. ick.
100!!!! Wow I made it. I actually finished this. It only took 4 separate sittings to do it. I'll have to make this last one a real humdinger. Ok here goes: I have really big boobs but really small nipples. hahaha. Apparently, they're pretty hot. My last ex actually even asked me if I'd show my boobs to her sister who is also gay, just because she was so impressed with them. Yay me.
Monday, September 7, 2009
bad season for phones.
So I took my neighbor with me to a bbq yesterday. She has an 11 month old baby boy. He's an absolutely adorable handful. His favorite things ever are cell phones. If he sees you using your cellphone, he will drop whatever it is that he's doing, and lunge for the phone.
I have had some trouble with phones in the recent past. I had gotten a new phone back in March. It's purple, which was the main reason I got it. I have a small obsession with purple. Anyway, on the 4th of July, I took it for a swim with me in the ocean by accident. I always put my phone in my bra, and I had put it in my bathing suit that day. Totally forgot about it, and it went under one wave before I realized I had it on me. It would still turn on, but none of the buttons would work. I had to let it sit out and dry out for weeks. I had lost the phone that I used before, so my mom gave me one of her old phones to use for the time being. I later found my old phone, turned it back on. I've been using that for the past couple months. I recently tried to turn on the purple phone, and it works again, buttons and all. I tried reactivating it online but it said I had to call, in which I sat on hold for long enough that I felt like I was gonna go crazy so I hung up. Well, yesterday at the cookout, little Austin, the baby boy, grabbed my phone out of my hand while I was holding him, played with it for a minute, and then proceeded to throw it straight down onto the concrete patio we were sitting on. It's a flip phone, and he threw it down perfectly open and face down, so it smashed it into two pieces. Guess it's time to sit on hold again to turn on the purple one! His mommy put it back together, and all works except I can't hear a thing while on the phone, just sounds like dead air. Texting is fine though. But still. Wish me luck on not going crazy waiting on hold with verizon.
I have had some trouble with phones in the recent past. I had gotten a new phone back in March. It's purple, which was the main reason I got it. I have a small obsession with purple. Anyway, on the 4th of July, I took it for a swim with me in the ocean by accident. I always put my phone in my bra, and I had put it in my bathing suit that day. Totally forgot about it, and it went under one wave before I realized I had it on me. It would still turn on, but none of the buttons would work. I had to let it sit out and dry out for weeks. I had lost the phone that I used before, so my mom gave me one of her old phones to use for the time being. I later found my old phone, turned it back on. I've been using that for the past couple months. I recently tried to turn on the purple phone, and it works again, buttons and all. I tried reactivating it online but it said I had to call, in which I sat on hold for long enough that I felt like I was gonna go crazy so I hung up. Well, yesterday at the cookout, little Austin, the baby boy, grabbed my phone out of my hand while I was holding him, played with it for a minute, and then proceeded to throw it straight down onto the concrete patio we were sitting on. It's a flip phone, and he threw it down perfectly open and face down, so it smashed it into two pieces. Guess it's time to sit on hold again to turn on the purple one! His mommy put it back together, and all works except I can't hear a thing while on the phone, just sounds like dead air. Texting is fine though. But still. Wish me luck on not going crazy waiting on hold with verizon.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Sunday Funday
My neighbor and I are going to a friend's BBQ today. I'm really looking foward to it, anything to get out of this house. I just can't stand to be around my roommate lately.
Ok so we had talked everything out and said that I would stay here, but now I actually just want to move. While his wife was here, he had said how happy he was and how much he wanted things to work with them, and that he would do anything to make it work. (sidenote: his wife has been on deployment in Afghanistan since January, a month after she left, she started dating someone else, told my roommate that he was free to see other people. They both took full advantage of this, 'dated' quite a few people. She came home for a mid-deployment break for two weeks, they 'worked things out' and said that they could start over, but that she wanted to live on her own for a while when she does get home from deployment for good, but that they could see each other on the weekends. Don't ask.) Two days after she's gone back on her deployment, I see him showing our 'couch roommate' (he's going through a divorce, sleeps on our couch a lot) a picture of this girl Charlotte. Charlotte is a friend of another one of our neighbors. She's come to a couple parties we had near the beginning of the summer. Everyone knows her to be.. well... easy. I asked why is he talking about her, and he says he's gonna take her out on a date. This is 2 days after his wife has just left. I don't understand these people. I'm literally disgusted with all of the infidelity.
I have never been around people like this in my life. It's literally like a completely different world that they live in. No morals. No regrets. No feeling bad about anything. I was raised to have strong morals, and when I do get married some day, it'll be the real deal. It just makes me so mad that this is the 'marriage' that this country is protecting. I'm so sick of being around it. I need to get out of here! It's really just putting a damper on me on a daily basis, and I can't stand to be feeling this negative and bitter all the time. Maybe I am taking it too personally, but I just can't help it. It's right in my face everyday.
So my neighbor and I are talking about moving together, getting a bigger place. We've been close friends for a while, and we're both just tired of the bullshit around here. This place used to be so nice!
I hate that I feel like I'm always complaining about something on this blog. I guess it's just an outlet right now.
Definitely looking foward to the bbq today, most of my coworkers will be there, and I always have a great time with them. yay!
Ok so we had talked everything out and said that I would stay here, but now I actually just want to move. While his wife was here, he had said how happy he was and how much he wanted things to work with them, and that he would do anything to make it work. (sidenote: his wife has been on deployment in Afghanistan since January, a month after she left, she started dating someone else, told my roommate that he was free to see other people. They both took full advantage of this, 'dated' quite a few people. She came home for a mid-deployment break for two weeks, they 'worked things out' and said that they could start over, but that she wanted to live on her own for a while when she does get home from deployment for good, but that they could see each other on the weekends. Don't ask.) Two days after she's gone back on her deployment, I see him showing our 'couch roommate' (he's going through a divorce, sleeps on our couch a lot) a picture of this girl Charlotte. Charlotte is a friend of another one of our neighbors. She's come to a couple parties we had near the beginning of the summer. Everyone knows her to be.. well... easy. I asked why is he talking about her, and he says he's gonna take her out on a date. This is 2 days after his wife has just left. I don't understand these people. I'm literally disgusted with all of the infidelity.
I have never been around people like this in my life. It's literally like a completely different world that they live in. No morals. No regrets. No feeling bad about anything. I was raised to have strong morals, and when I do get married some day, it'll be the real deal. It just makes me so mad that this is the 'marriage' that this country is protecting. I'm so sick of being around it. I need to get out of here! It's really just putting a damper on me on a daily basis, and I can't stand to be feeling this negative and bitter all the time. Maybe I am taking it too personally, but I just can't help it. It's right in my face everyday.
So my neighbor and I are talking about moving together, getting a bigger place. We've been close friends for a while, and we're both just tired of the bullshit around here. This place used to be so nice!
I hate that I feel like I'm always complaining about something on this blog. I guess it's just an outlet right now.
Definitely looking foward to the bbq today, most of my coworkers will be there, and I always have a great time with them. yay!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Just don't make eye contact and you'll be ok.
So I'm on my way to work this morning. Just driving along, listening to my music loud and singing along as usual, I believe I had Adele, Fleetwood Mac, and Rilo Kiley playing simultaneously. I really enjoy being in my car by myself. It really does become my own little world, while I'm singing and daydreaming. Very soothing to me.
All of a sudden, I see this big white van behind me. I can see that it's a man with dark black sunglasses on. He's changing lanes with me, even cutting people off to stay directly behind me. After about 7 or 8 minutes, he tries to get beside me, but I'm getting freaked out at this point, so I speed up and try to get away from him through traffic. He starts beeping his horn as he can tell I'm trying to lose him. Am I the only one who sees this scary dude chasing me? Someone needs to help me out or something. I've got my cellphone clutched in my hand ready to dial, just in case. We're coming up to a stoplight, and I'm suddenly boxed in with cars all around me, the scary dude is to my left, just only halfway behind me. I tell myself it's gonna be ok. Just don't look at him, and you'll be at work safe in 10 minutes. He starts beeping his horn over and over again. wtf does he want? He rolls down his window and starts yelling at me. 'HEY!' I don't move a muscle. 'HEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!' ok just turn around and see what he wants. I turn around just enough so that he knows he has my attention. he yells out of his window "You don't have any FUCKING brake lights!! YOU DON'T HAVE AAAANNNYYY FUUUUUUCKINGGGGG BRAKEEE LIGHTTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
oh. oh i see.
I knod, totally in shock of how he has just yelled at me, after scaring the shit out of me for a good 10 minutes. So, ahem, I don't have any brake lights? Ok. Thank you sir. I mean yes, this is a serious thing that I need to know about, but I'm sitting there shaking in my little flippy floppies.
I made it to work ok. Took my car to the mechanic that my dad's friends with. He figured out it was the brake light switch that was broken, since all 3 of my brake lights decided to all not work in one day. Just this one little piece of plastic that had broken, and it cost me $46 for this little tiny piece of plastic. Luckily the mechanic never charges me for the labor, he's a really nice guy. So all is better with my car. Whew.
Guess who just played guitar hero for the first time? Me. Ok, not the first time, but it might as well have been. I'm horrible at that game. I've only actually played one time before, so it's not like I've gotten a lot of practice and I'm still horrible. My neighbor just got the new guitar hero 5 and brought it over. He was so excited about it, and wanted me to play it with him. That poor guy had no idea what he was asking of me. I kept getting us kicked out of all of the songs, or whatever you call it hahaha. Seriously, I'm horrible. I just kept sitting there and laughing, cuz I'm just that bad. I used to play piano, and once you have your fingers programmed to play music one way, it's hard to play a different kind of instrument. Not that guitar hero is actually like playing a guitar, but it is kinda backwards in comparison to piano. I actually have a guitar and don't know how to play it. I wanna learn how soon. On my list.
I'm gonna be posting tomorrow for Lilu's TMI Thursdays, so be sure to check back. I have a funnyyyy story of something that happened to me recently.
All of a sudden, I see this big white van behind me. I can see that it's a man with dark black sunglasses on. He's changing lanes with me, even cutting people off to stay directly behind me. After about 7 or 8 minutes, he tries to get beside me, but I'm getting freaked out at this point, so I speed up and try to get away from him through traffic. He starts beeping his horn as he can tell I'm trying to lose him. Am I the only one who sees this scary dude chasing me? Someone needs to help me out or something. I've got my cellphone clutched in my hand ready to dial, just in case. We're coming up to a stoplight, and I'm suddenly boxed in with cars all around me, the scary dude is to my left, just only halfway behind me. I tell myself it's gonna be ok. Just don't look at him, and you'll be at work safe in 10 minutes. He starts beeping his horn over and over again. wtf does he want? He rolls down his window and starts yelling at me. 'HEY!' I don't move a muscle. 'HEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!' ok just turn around and see what he wants. I turn around just enough so that he knows he has my attention. he yells out of his window "You don't have any FUCKING brake lights!! YOU DON'T HAVE AAAANNNYYY FUUUUUUCKINGGGGG BRAKEEE LIGHTTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
oh. oh i see.
I knod, totally in shock of how he has just yelled at me, after scaring the shit out of me for a good 10 minutes. So, ahem, I don't have any brake lights? Ok. Thank you sir. I mean yes, this is a serious thing that I need to know about, but I'm sitting there shaking in my little flippy floppies.
I made it to work ok. Took my car to the mechanic that my dad's friends with. He figured out it was the brake light switch that was broken, since all 3 of my brake lights decided to all not work in one day. Just this one little piece of plastic that had broken, and it cost me $46 for this little tiny piece of plastic. Luckily the mechanic never charges me for the labor, he's a really nice guy. So all is better with my car. Whew.
Guess who just played guitar hero for the first time? Me. Ok, not the first time, but it might as well have been. I'm horrible at that game. I've only actually played one time before, so it's not like I've gotten a lot of practice and I'm still horrible. My neighbor just got the new guitar hero 5 and brought it over. He was so excited about it, and wanted me to play it with him. That poor guy had no idea what he was asking of me. I kept getting us kicked out of all of the songs, or whatever you call it hahaha. Seriously, I'm horrible. I just kept sitting there and laughing, cuz I'm just that bad. I used to play piano, and once you have your fingers programmed to play music one way, it's hard to play a different kind of instrument. Not that guitar hero is actually like playing a guitar, but it is kinda backwards in comparison to piano. I actually have a guitar and don't know how to play it. I wanna learn how soon. On my list.
I'm gonna be posting tomorrow for Lilu's TMI Thursdays, so be sure to check back. I have a funnyyyy story of something that happened to me recently.
perfection in a chart.
Ok so I definitely snagged this from Lilu over here, but I simply have to put this on my blog. This is just absolutely perfect for me, and made me laugh and think about all the times the dreaded EX would show up with flowers and a bottle of wine. I couldn't keep a mean face on when I saw her as it was, but the wine always worked in her favor as well. She was so sneaky, that bitch. I mean sweetie.
How perfect is this? just click on it to make it bigger... a wee bit tiny on here.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Some new art.
I finished up some paintings over the weekend. Have a looksie.
This one is for Shae, our friend who is in ICU right now (14 days so far) with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I made this to put in his room. His nickname is Cheetah Smurf :-)
I made this for a coworker to give to her boyfriend for their one year anniversary. Her instructions were as follows: "his favorite color is green." haha. He loves it.
This picture does not do this justice by any means. This painting is 24in by 32in. It's much brighter and more colorful in person. Also, if you look closely, you can see that there is some added texture in some spots, I have strips of sequins on it that I painted over. They shine more than the canvas. I painted this to match some vases that we got for the salon:
Pretty huh?
As always, my art is for sale. Visit my actual art page here.
50 questions that are different from the usual questionaires.
I stole these questions from A. Elaine.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Probably younger, but I could say older too. There are things in my life that I've wanted to accomplish by now and haven't, but I still feel like I have an older soul than most my age, so I guess I'll just stick with my age. 25.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Definitely worse to have never tried. I truly believe that we can all accomplish anything if we want to. We just have to get up and do it.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Well I for one, don't usually do things that I don't like to do. I'm definitely a creature of comfort and happiness, and if it makes me happy, it can't be that bad (thank you Sheryl Crow hahaha). As far as liking things we don't do, that probably stems from laziness or procrastination. There are many things that I want to do and see and feel but I just haven't yet. List of things to do type of stuff.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I hope not, but at this point yes. I'll admit that I am someone who doesn't finish everything she starts. I'm working on changing that though. Follow through is where it's at.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Well since this is such a vague question, I'll have to give a vague and stereo typical answer. I'd have to take all of the hatred out of this world. I know it's everywhere, but the hatred that hits me close to home is all of the homophobia and how it's truly keeping us from our natural human rights. I 'hate' that a lot of it is religion based as well, because the point of believing in anything is supposed to stem from love. Organized religion just creates hatred towards our fellow human beings. Maybe I'd take away organized religion. That'd probably solve a lot.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Painting. Or any kind of art.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Well, both right now. I am doing what I believe is my calling, I am doing hair and painting. But I'm also settling because both of these don't exactly make a lot of money just yet. I'm young and having to take what I can get from the jobs that make me happy. I have bigger plans for the future, but it'll take money to make those things happen.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would have probably already had kids by now, and hopefully would be more settled and stable. But I'd still be doing the same things and be the same person.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? To some degree, but there are always going to be so many factors that feed into the outcome of things.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I'd say I'm more concerned with doing the right things, I pride myself on being able to look back with a clear conscience. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, and I have made mistakes, but for the most part I try to do right by others.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I'd be the first to stand up for someone, whether they were a friend or not. If it's wrong, it's wrong, and people who know me know that I don't like to take things lying down.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Don't worry so much about what other people think. Just be yourself and follow your passions til the end.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Depends on what I was saving them from, but if it was anything life threatening, absolutely.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Well yes, as a hairstylist, yes. I've been to a few hair shows, and those stage artists definitely put on a crazy show, and then the model tossels her hair back and it's gorgeous haha.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Well I'm hoping that I'm not too different in this, but compared to the people I've dated, I'd say that I love differently. I want to think that it's just because I've never been in a relationship that was in any way functional, I have a habit of getting involved with people that are completely wrong for me. But as far as love goes, I do it whole heartedly and with full intentions of doing whatever I can to make the other person happy. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, because I certainly haven't gotten it in return. I'm learning. haha.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because everyone is different and we all have different passions and get butterflies in our tummies for different things. Painting and being in nature and sunsets and coffee and live music send me to the moon. :-)
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? I really want to travel all over. All through Europe and Asia and just everywhere. What's holding me back? Yeah that'd be money. haha.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Well I recently just let go of something that I thought I couldn't, but I knew I needed to. I said goodbye to an ex for good (not the one i wrote that last blog about, but the one i said i had a hard time getting over). We were trying to do the friend thing, but I seriously just don't know how lesbians do the whole friend thing afterwards. I can't do it.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? I'd move to New Orleans. I've been there a few times and it's my favorite place in the whole world (well of the places I've been to). I suppose I'd probably say Italy or France though, had I been there. I can't wait to see those places.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No and no.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? I honestly can't answer this question. My intelligence is something I value-a lot. But I also have to be happy. I don't function well without happiness in and around me.
22. Why are you, you? Blame my mother.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes. I don't want to say I've always done the best thing, cuz no one has, but I have been the kind of friend I'd like to have. I care a lot of the people close to me.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? When a good friend moves away, because there's nothing you can do about it. If the good friend still lives close by, all you gotta do is go see em!
25. What are you most grateful for? My family, and my artistic side.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? I'd rather lose the old ones. I think that my best days are still to come.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Yes. Some things you just know. But other things need to be challenged.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? not yet.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? No it doesn't. Well the particular thing that came to mind doesn't matter now. Just another ex.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Dancing with my daddy on his feet, or when he'd twirl me around my in my little sundresses at all of the company bbq's we'd go to. There'd always be a live band and I'd always be on the dance floor twirling.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? It had to be back in March of this year. My ex "H", her sister, and I all went down to stay at my dad's beach house in Corolla, NC. It was during the off season, and there was no one on the beach, it felt like we were the only ones for miles. We went to the beach the first night we got there, after a few drinks, and decided to go skinny dipping. The water was unbelieveably cold, and we all ran out immediately after touching our toes. Since there was no one around, we jsut decided to stay in the nude. It was exhilerating. With nothing but the moon to light up the beach, we walked around and held each other and layed in the sand and felt so incredibly connected to each other and with nature. It was just really amazing and beautiful.
32. If not now, then when? When I find the right one.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? I'm sorry, what?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? You mean sex right? hahaha
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? I was just talking about this!
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Yes it is. But sometimes it's hard to see it when you're in it.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Yes I would, but only to pursue my future plans.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Definitely more work that I enjoy doing. I like feeling productive when it's something I enjoy.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Today yes. I had a nice relaxing day and just did a lot of painting. I do paint often.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Well I guess that's kinda like getting into a new relationship. You have high hopes for it but you don't really know what you're getting into for a bit.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? My mom.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Hell no. I'd rather not be famous, and hellooooo I'm already attractive lol jk.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Passion.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? I think by now I have a good idea what's right. I don't typically need to think many things over. But who knows.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? haha that's a good question. But I kinda live by this motto: You don't make mistakes, you make discoveries!
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I actually just sat and thought about it, and I don't think I'd do anything differently.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? While working out.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? My mom, sis, painting... and yes.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? I'll remember that I was always painting. But probably not anything else in the past couple days.
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Definitely making them for myself. The only other person I've ever let make decisions for me is my mom, and my life would definitely be different if I let her take the wheel.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Probably younger, but I could say older too. There are things in my life that I've wanted to accomplish by now and haven't, but I still feel like I have an older soul than most my age, so I guess I'll just stick with my age. 25.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Definitely worse to have never tried. I truly believe that we can all accomplish anything if we want to. We just have to get up and do it.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Well I for one, don't usually do things that I don't like to do. I'm definitely a creature of comfort and happiness, and if it makes me happy, it can't be that bad (thank you Sheryl Crow hahaha). As far as liking things we don't do, that probably stems from laziness or procrastination. There are many things that I want to do and see and feel but I just haven't yet. List of things to do type of stuff.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I hope not, but at this point yes. I'll admit that I am someone who doesn't finish everything she starts. I'm working on changing that though. Follow through is where it's at.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Well since this is such a vague question, I'll have to give a vague and stereo typical answer. I'd have to take all of the hatred out of this world. I know it's everywhere, but the hatred that hits me close to home is all of the homophobia and how it's truly keeping us from our natural human rights. I 'hate' that a lot of it is religion based as well, because the point of believing in anything is supposed to stem from love. Organized religion just creates hatred towards our fellow human beings. Maybe I'd take away organized religion. That'd probably solve a lot.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Painting. Or any kind of art.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Well, both right now. I am doing what I believe is my calling, I am doing hair and painting. But I'm also settling because both of these don't exactly make a lot of money just yet. I'm young and having to take what I can get from the jobs that make me happy. I have bigger plans for the future, but it'll take money to make those things happen.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would have probably already had kids by now, and hopefully would be more settled and stable. But I'd still be doing the same things and be the same person.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? To some degree, but there are always going to be so many factors that feed into the outcome of things.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I'd say I'm more concerned with doing the right things, I pride myself on being able to look back with a clear conscience. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, and I have made mistakes, but for the most part I try to do right by others.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I'd be the first to stand up for someone, whether they were a friend or not. If it's wrong, it's wrong, and people who know me know that I don't like to take things lying down.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Don't worry so much about what other people think. Just be yourself and follow your passions til the end.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Depends on what I was saving them from, but if it was anything life threatening, absolutely.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Well yes, as a hairstylist, yes. I've been to a few hair shows, and those stage artists definitely put on a crazy show, and then the model tossels her hair back and it's gorgeous haha.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Well I'm hoping that I'm not too different in this, but compared to the people I've dated, I'd say that I love differently. I want to think that it's just because I've never been in a relationship that was in any way functional, I have a habit of getting involved with people that are completely wrong for me. But as far as love goes, I do it whole heartedly and with full intentions of doing whatever I can to make the other person happy. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, because I certainly haven't gotten it in return. I'm learning. haha.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because everyone is different and we all have different passions and get butterflies in our tummies for different things. Painting and being in nature and sunsets and coffee and live music send me to the moon. :-)
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? I really want to travel all over. All through Europe and Asia and just everywhere. What's holding me back? Yeah that'd be money. haha.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Well I recently just let go of something that I thought I couldn't, but I knew I needed to. I said goodbye to an ex for good (not the one i wrote that last blog about, but the one i said i had a hard time getting over). We were trying to do the friend thing, but I seriously just don't know how lesbians do the whole friend thing afterwards. I can't do it.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? I'd move to New Orleans. I've been there a few times and it's my favorite place in the whole world (well of the places I've been to). I suppose I'd probably say Italy or France though, had I been there. I can't wait to see those places.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No and no.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? I honestly can't answer this question. My intelligence is something I value-a lot. But I also have to be happy. I don't function well without happiness in and around me.
22. Why are you, you? Blame my mother.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes. I don't want to say I've always done the best thing, cuz no one has, but I have been the kind of friend I'd like to have. I care a lot of the people close to me.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? When a good friend moves away, because there's nothing you can do about it. If the good friend still lives close by, all you gotta do is go see em!
25. What are you most grateful for? My family, and my artistic side.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? I'd rather lose the old ones. I think that my best days are still to come.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Yes. Some things you just know. But other things need to be challenged.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? not yet.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? No it doesn't. Well the particular thing that came to mind doesn't matter now. Just another ex.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Dancing with my daddy on his feet, or when he'd twirl me around my in my little sundresses at all of the company bbq's we'd go to. There'd always be a live band and I'd always be on the dance floor twirling.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? It had to be back in March of this year. My ex "H", her sister, and I all went down to stay at my dad's beach house in Corolla, NC. It was during the off season, and there was no one on the beach, it felt like we were the only ones for miles. We went to the beach the first night we got there, after a few drinks, and decided to go skinny dipping. The water was unbelieveably cold, and we all ran out immediately after touching our toes. Since there was no one around, we jsut decided to stay in the nude. It was exhilerating. With nothing but the moon to light up the beach, we walked around and held each other and layed in the sand and felt so incredibly connected to each other and with nature. It was just really amazing and beautiful.
32. If not now, then when? When I find the right one.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? I'm sorry, what?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? You mean sex right? hahaha
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? I was just talking about this!
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Yes it is. But sometimes it's hard to see it when you're in it.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Yes I would, but only to pursue my future plans.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Definitely more work that I enjoy doing. I like feeling productive when it's something I enjoy.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Today yes. I had a nice relaxing day and just did a lot of painting. I do paint often.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Well I guess that's kinda like getting into a new relationship. You have high hopes for it but you don't really know what you're getting into for a bit.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? My mom.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Hell no. I'd rather not be famous, and hellooooo I'm already attractive lol jk.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Passion.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? I think by now I have a good idea what's right. I don't typically need to think many things over. But who knows.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? haha that's a good question. But I kinda live by this motto: You don't make mistakes, you make discoveries!
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I actually just sat and thought about it, and I don't think I'd do anything differently.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? While working out.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? My mom, sis, painting... and yes.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? I'll remember that I was always painting. But probably not anything else in the past couple days.
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Definitely making them for myself. The only other person I've ever let make decisions for me is my mom, and my life would definitely be different if I let her take the wheel.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Dreams.
I had a really weird dream last night and I've been trying to figure it out all day. It, of course, involved my ex. We'll call her H.
A little background. She and I dated off and on for a little over a year. I originally started dating her in an effort to get over my ex before her, but I guess that's how a lot of relationships start off unfortunately. Anyway, in my mind, she was safe. She was a nice girl from a nice family. Close with her sisters, and seemed to want all of the same things that I did in a future. Kids, a house in the country, a nice family life. She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, and was crazy about me right from the start. I mistakenly left her a couple times to go back to the ex before her, the one I couldn't get over, the one who knew all of the right things to say and when to say them and who knew exactly how to get to me and break me down and make me feel crazy. I'll talk more about her later.
Back to H. I'm gonna try to simplify the story. During one of the times I had left her, she started dating this other woman. Whenever I talked to H about her, she said that she was nice, but that she didn't have an opinion of her own, H claimed that she couldn't take her in public without feeling embarrassed, that she was a pill popper, that she called into work at least once a week and was always on the verge of getting fired from her job for calling in and being lazy, she always had a headache (or something else to complain about). The list went on and on of things she was unhappy with. As lesbians stereotypically do, they ended up moving in together only a few months after dating. During their relationship, H left her twice to come back to me, and we made plans for our life, and plans for moving in together and getting out of her lease and all that jazz. I saw a life with her like I never had with anyone else. I was planning on moving away from my hometown (which I never have before) with her to a small town we'd decided to live in, in the mountains. Kids were going to be in our near future, but not soon enough for her. She ended up leaving me for the final time when I said I wasn't ready to pop out the little ones just yet, I was still eager to have a real life with her, without all of the drama of our exes in our lives. I wanted to be settled in our new home and with good jobs first. She wasn't havin it. Kids were to be had ASAP.
She went back to the woman she was still living with. The one she had all of the complaints about. The one that was convenient and was too scared to stand up to her or put her foot down. Maybe I'm wrong about their relationship, but this is the information I was presented with by H. And I'm sure I was insecure during our relationship, but who wouldn't be? she was still living with that woman, and our past as a couple was full of ups and downs. I was just wanting things to calm down so we could be the happy couple that we both envisioned we could be. Maybe it was wishful thinking. It ended badly. I didn't need to, but it did. She left me the day before my birthday, and later wrote out horrible things about me, all of my insecurities about myself and secrets about myself on her blog. It was definitely an attempt to destroy me, and it almost did. there was no need for it, she had been the one to leave me afterall. I'm over it now, I refuse to read her blog. Not going to put myself through any of that again.
I did have a dream about her last night though. I had a dream that she came back, left that other woman. In reality, I don't want this to happen, I know that we're just not right for each other, but in my dream I was happy. We just sat and talked in the dream. Just looked at each other and I felt comfort in her being there. I don't want her back, there ended up being so many lies that surfaced... etc. typical breakup stuff. I'm over it, but I think I just miss the closeness of having someone. It's not her, it's just the idea I had of her, or the idea of what I really want. I'm looking foward to finding my own idea of love.
A little background. She and I dated off and on for a little over a year. I originally started dating her in an effort to get over my ex before her, but I guess that's how a lot of relationships start off unfortunately. Anyway, in my mind, she was safe. She was a nice girl from a nice family. Close with her sisters, and seemed to want all of the same things that I did in a future. Kids, a house in the country, a nice family life. She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, and was crazy about me right from the start. I mistakenly left her a couple times to go back to the ex before her, the one I couldn't get over, the one who knew all of the right things to say and when to say them and who knew exactly how to get to me and break me down and make me feel crazy. I'll talk more about her later.
Back to H. I'm gonna try to simplify the story. During one of the times I had left her, she started dating this other woman. Whenever I talked to H about her, she said that she was nice, but that she didn't have an opinion of her own, H claimed that she couldn't take her in public without feeling embarrassed, that she was a pill popper, that she called into work at least once a week and was always on the verge of getting fired from her job for calling in and being lazy, she always had a headache (or something else to complain about). The list went on and on of things she was unhappy with. As lesbians stereotypically do, they ended up moving in together only a few months after dating. During their relationship, H left her twice to come back to me, and we made plans for our life, and plans for moving in together and getting out of her lease and all that jazz. I saw a life with her like I never had with anyone else. I was planning on moving away from my hometown (which I never have before) with her to a small town we'd decided to live in, in the mountains. Kids were going to be in our near future, but not soon enough for her. She ended up leaving me for the final time when I said I wasn't ready to pop out the little ones just yet, I was still eager to have a real life with her, without all of the drama of our exes in our lives. I wanted to be settled in our new home and with good jobs first. She wasn't havin it. Kids were to be had ASAP.
She went back to the woman she was still living with. The one she had all of the complaints about. The one that was convenient and was too scared to stand up to her or put her foot down. Maybe I'm wrong about their relationship, but this is the information I was presented with by H. And I'm sure I was insecure during our relationship, but who wouldn't be? she was still living with that woman, and our past as a couple was full of ups and downs. I was just wanting things to calm down so we could be the happy couple that we both envisioned we could be. Maybe it was wishful thinking. It ended badly. I didn't need to, but it did. She left me the day before my birthday, and later wrote out horrible things about me, all of my insecurities about myself and secrets about myself on her blog. It was definitely an attempt to destroy me, and it almost did. there was no need for it, she had been the one to leave me afterall. I'm over it now, I refuse to read her blog. Not going to put myself through any of that again.
I did have a dream about her last night though. I had a dream that she came back, left that other woman. In reality, I don't want this to happen, I know that we're just not right for each other, but in my dream I was happy. We just sat and talked in the dream. Just looked at each other and I felt comfort in her being there. I don't want her back, there ended up being so many lies that surfaced... etc. typical breakup stuff. I'm over it, but I think I just miss the closeness of having someone. It's not her, it's just the idea I had of her, or the idea of what I really want. I'm looking foward to finding my own idea of love.
Staying put. and eating better. and marriage.
Well after all that stress and confusion, looks like I'm going to be staying right where I am. I talked to my roommate tonight about the move coming up. Or lack of one I should say now.
The wife asked me a couple days ago, "You're moving?" and I said yes... she said why... and I said because I thought I had to... she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. She told me that my roommate is staying and that I should stay too. I asked the roommate about it tonight and he said that he's decided to stay and that I'm welcome to stay as long as I want. I'm like... ummmm ok.... wtf was all of this for then?????????????
It's easier to stay than finding a new place and getting comfortable with a new roommate and the actual act of MOVING which I hate. I am comfortable here, become good friends with a lot of the neighbors, and it's nice to have friends in walking distance.
The wife left today, which makes me happy, and it'll be 4 months before she's home again, and even then she won't be living here. She apparently wants time to herself for a while, wants to be on her own. He's just agreeing to whatever she says. They both are 'allowed' to 'date' while she's gone, this is her making these rules and him basically not having a choice if he wants to keep her, but he takes full advantage of the freedom. This whole scenario is difficult to watch. I'm single now, and don't know who I'll end up with, but chances are it'll be with a woman. I want to be able to get married just as much as the next gal, and I'm not allowed to here. But this is what marriage is in this splendid country. A 20 year old 'wife' and a 32 year old 'husband' getting married out of convenience because she's in the army. Just the other night, she went out with a neighbor, they wanted to go clubbing on a wednesday night. They texted another one of our neighbors asking where should they go because the few places they went were closed, and then texted back a few minutes later 'nevermind, we're gonna stay out, just don't tell Chris (my roommate) that the bars are closed.' They constantly lie to each other, and it's just disgusting. I don't get it.
Be proud! I've been doing really well with food this week (except for the bbp party last night at my bosses's house). Eating a lot of veggies and fruits, and absolutely no beef or pork all week.
OH MY GOSH!! i JUST saw a really awesome commercial thingy. It was these two girls (nametags say Emma and Julia) sitting behind a counter working in a convenient store and one asks the other if she wants to hang out when they get outta work. The other girl says no, that her parents want her to come directly home after work. The first girl says 'ugh... that's so gay.' A woman walks up to the counter and says 'wow.. That's so Emma and Julia.' they ask why she's saying that, and she says 'well that's what people say when they're refering to something being stupid. everyone says it.' Emma and Julia look at each other confused and the screen goes black. A voice says 'do you realize what you are saying when you say that's so gay? Knock it off." haha. i love it.
Anyway back to my diet for the week... it's actually easy to do... I haven't really had to fight any cravings. Plus I'm saving money not ordering food everyday for lunch at work. I swear we probably spend $50 a week just on lunch at work, we always order out. hope everyone had a good weekend.
The wife asked me a couple days ago, "You're moving?" and I said yes... she said why... and I said because I thought I had to... she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. She told me that my roommate is staying and that I should stay too. I asked the roommate about it tonight and he said that he's decided to stay and that I'm welcome to stay as long as I want. I'm like... ummmm ok.... wtf was all of this for then?????????????
It's easier to stay than finding a new place and getting comfortable with a new roommate and the actual act of MOVING which I hate. I am comfortable here, become good friends with a lot of the neighbors, and it's nice to have friends in walking distance.
The wife left today, which makes me happy, and it'll be 4 months before she's home again, and even then she won't be living here. She apparently wants time to herself for a while, wants to be on her own. He's just agreeing to whatever she says. They both are 'allowed' to 'date' while she's gone, this is her making these rules and him basically not having a choice if he wants to keep her, but he takes full advantage of the freedom. This whole scenario is difficult to watch. I'm single now, and don't know who I'll end up with, but chances are it'll be with a woman. I want to be able to get married just as much as the next gal, and I'm not allowed to here. But this is what marriage is in this splendid country. A 20 year old 'wife' and a 32 year old 'husband' getting married out of convenience because she's in the army. Just the other night, she went out with a neighbor, they wanted to go clubbing on a wednesday night. They texted another one of our neighbors asking where should they go because the few places they went were closed, and then texted back a few minutes later 'nevermind, we're gonna stay out, just don't tell Chris (my roommate) that the bars are closed.' They constantly lie to each other, and it's just disgusting. I don't get it.
Be proud! I've been doing really well with food this week (except for the bbp party last night at my bosses's house). Eating a lot of veggies and fruits, and absolutely no beef or pork all week.
OH MY GOSH!! i JUST saw a really awesome commercial thingy. It was these two girls (nametags say Emma and Julia) sitting behind a counter working in a convenient store and one asks the other if she wants to hang out when they get outta work. The other girl says no, that her parents want her to come directly home after work. The first girl says 'ugh... that's so gay.' A woman walks up to the counter and says 'wow.. That's so Emma and Julia.' they ask why she's saying that, and she says 'well that's what people say when they're refering to something being stupid. everyone says it.' Emma and Julia look at each other confused and the screen goes black. A voice says 'do you realize what you are saying when you say that's so gay? Knock it off." haha. i love it.
Anyway back to my diet for the week... it's actually easy to do... I haven't really had to fight any cravings. Plus I'm saving money not ordering food everyday for lunch at work. I swear we probably spend $50 a week just on lunch at work, we always order out. hope everyone had a good weekend.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
48 hours left, please fill this out!
http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/site/Survey?ACTION_REQUIRED=URI_ACTION_USER_REQUESTS&SURVEY_ID=2521&autologin=true
I'm a member of the HRC and I got this in an email from them. Please take a minute to fill out the quick survey, there's only less than 2 days left to do this. "we've launched a survey designed to give Congress and the president a first-hand look at how DOMA hurts the people we love."
We're getting more and more states saying that we can marry, but then the Defense Against Marriage Act makes it so that the federal government still doesn't legally recognize the marriage, no matter where you are. Do your part! :-)
I'm a member of the HRC and I got this in an email from them. Please take a minute to fill out the quick survey, there's only less than 2 days left to do this. "we've launched a survey designed to give Congress and the president a first-hand look at how DOMA hurts the people we love."
We're getting more and more states saying that we can marry, but then the Defense Against Marriage Act makes it so that the federal government still doesn't legally recognize the marriage, no matter where you are. Do your part! :-)
2 bad so far!
So that guy I was going to meet this morning to see if he'd be a good roommate... ehhhhhh no. The guy was really nice, but the house was a disaster. He failed to tell me that the entire house was basically under renovations, including the room that he was offering to me. Literally, every room had some kind of construction going on. And the kitchen was a mess as well... like old food and dirty dishes laying out, from at least a few days. So yeah... no go there.
I'm meeting with a girl tomorrow. She's a vegetarian lesbian around my age. Right up my alley. We've been talking a lot through the week and she seems really layed back and nice too. So MAYBEEEE that'll work out. But with my streak of luck, I'm not getting my hopes up. She has a cat, and I might be getting a kitten soon so that'll be cute. Seriously, wish me luck. Otherwise I may be stuck here for another month.
Very awkwardly, my current roommate asked me to have dinner with him and his wife tonight. They made hamburger helper (disgusting, but I ate it anyway) and we all sat in silence while some weird sex scene happened to be on tv. I ate up quickly and brought my plate to the kitchen, thanked them for dinner and went to my room. I'm not really sure why they invited me to eat with them... it was jsut awkward. Maybe he's hoping that we'll be friends when she leaves or something. Who knows. They won't actually tell me anything that's going on with the moving thing so...
I'm meeting with a girl tomorrow. She's a vegetarian lesbian around my age. Right up my alley. We've been talking a lot through the week and she seems really layed back and nice too. So MAYBEEEE that'll work out. But with my streak of luck, I'm not getting my hopes up. She has a cat, and I might be getting a kitten soon so that'll be cute. Seriously, wish me luck. Otherwise I may be stuck here for another month.
Very awkwardly, my current roommate asked me to have dinner with him and his wife tonight. They made hamburger helper (disgusting, but I ate it anyway) and we all sat in silence while some weird sex scene happened to be on tv. I ate up quickly and brought my plate to the kitchen, thanked them for dinner and went to my room. I'm not really sure why they invited me to eat with them... it was jsut awkward. Maybe he's hoping that we'll be friends when she leaves or something. Who knows. They won't actually tell me anything that's going on with the moving thing so...
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