I'm a day late...

But I'm a blogging cheater and I'm gonna play anyway hehe.  I just came across this and I wanna play!  Visit Keely's page to play along. 






The questions..




1. While at the beach, pool, etc..Do you cover up your assets or show them off?  It's just too hard to cover them up haha.  My boobs are assets that I don't hide very often.  I do cover up my tummy though.  That... is not quite an 'asset' right now lol.


2. Road trips or Plane trips?  It all depends on who you're traveling with.  If i'm with family, I need to make the traveling part as quick and painless as possible lol.  But with friends or a lover, road trips are one of my favorite things, they totally warm my heart :).


3. I can't stand it when...?  people purposely use incorrect grammar or slang.


4. Have you ever gone topless at the beach?  haha... yeah..  read my last post actually!  I haven't ever gone topless in the daytime though, but I would in a different country or something, where it was allowed.  I actually just talked to someone about this recently.  I think it would be invigorating.


5. How many blog carnivals do you do a week?  Well, as of now, this is gonna be my only one.


6. My favorite thing about the weekend is...?  Letting loose and seeing friends and the beach or pool. 


7. Pancakes or waffles?  Usually pancakes.  Especially with bananas in them.  I grew up on that.  Yummmm!


8. Water Park or Amusement Park?  Water park!!  I used to be able to ride all the amusement park rides all day long, but now I get motion sickness on them.  Water parks are a blast though.

Summatiiiiiiiime and the livin's easy.

Man...  there's just a whole different feeling in the air, when it's summertime.  I'm really just having a great time, and I am loving this feeling.  I feel like life is just full of possibilities, and it's all being laid out before me.  I told myself at the beginning of this year, that this was going to be 'MY YEAR'.  My year to make something of myself, my year to fall in love, my year to learn more about myself, my year to discover what it is that I'm really looking for, my year to just flat out be happy.  And guess what?  It's working.  I'm happy.  chyeahhh!

I'll tell ya what, sometimes being single is flippin awesome.  It's especially awesome when you're not hung up on anyone, and truly just living for yourself.  I had another amazing beach night with a new flame.  This flame (if it even goes this far) is going to be nothing serious at all, we've already established that we are just NOT RIGHT for each other as far as relationships go.  But the sexual chemistry is definitely there, and I think it might be good for me to just let myself go, and enjoy something just for the fun of it.  It's pretty funny how we met, she's actually that other ex of the nasty ex I had written about recently a few times.  She and I had been friends on facebook for a long long time, and would say heyyy what's up every now and then, but we never really talked much until we started just recently comparing stores about the ex.  Lol...  sorry if this is hard to follow.  We'll call the 'new flame' Anne, so as to not further complicate this story lol. 

Anyway, Anne's and my convos seemed to somehow make their way into flirtations, that ended up getting super scandalous before we even knew it, and i'll tell ya what, it's a blast haha.  It's exhilarating actually.  She's totally not my type, in any sense of the word, but I think that's why it seems so appealing.  She's cocky, extremely outspoken, has absolutely no limits in life, and is apparently very confident in her own abilities.  I have yet to see if these claims to fame are more than just...  well... claims to fame...  but I might just have to find out.  I, on the other hand, tend to be more reserved with matters like this, and it has seriously been years since I've actually purposefully engaged in a 'free-love' kinda thing.  I've had my heart set on 'finding the one' for so long...  I just haven't considered this to be a possibility for my own actions in years...  does that make sense?

Back to our night on the beach.  We got two bottles of wine a couple nights ago, and headed down to the beach at around 10pm.  I keep a big beach towel and blanket in my trunk for beach nights like these.  We downed the first bottle of wine, stripped our clothes off, and ran naked into the water.  Oh, my god.  I can't even explain the feeling you get when you're naked in the ocean, when there's no one around for miles, when the only light that you see is from the moon and the stars...  It's just amazing.  She and I wrestled in the waves, got back out, drank our second bottle of wine while wrapped up in the blanket, and went right back in the water for at least another 30 minutes.  At one point, I jumped on her, and our legs intertwined, and it was all I could do to not kiss her, but for some reason, we held off. The combination of her skin and the water felt like silk all over my body.  The feeling of our breasts brushing up against each other was intoxicating.  Each touch between us was short lived (just enough to be a tease) because the waves were huge, and it was impossible to keep holding on to each other without going under.  After more and more romping in the waves, we got out for good, and went back to the blanket.  We stayed in the nude, and just cuddled up under the blanket and told each other funny stories and just laughed and laughed, she made quite a few flirtacious comments towards me and even interrupted one of my stories to say 'ugh it's just so hard not to kiss you,' and at some point, we dropped the blanket.  By now we were anything but shy with each other when it came to our nakedness, when low and behold, she jumps and screams 'oh my god!' and motions behind me.  I turn to see about 8 people walking down to the water about 40 ft away from us.  It was around 1am at this point, and the last thing we thought we'd see was other people on this dark and deserted beach.  We started laughing hysterically (muffled of course, as to not draw attention to ourselves) as we scrambled to wrap the blanket around ourselves again.  Thankfully, it really was too dark for them to see us, but was still hilarious. 

It was such an amazing night.  We never did kiss, but we plan to go back and have another beach night soon.  I'm thinking that my first sex of this summer is gonna be amazing.  She makes me feel sexy as hell, adventurous, and alive. It's just what I need.

Changed it all up again haha

Ok so I had way too much fun designing the new blog look.  I swear... I could spend all day doing this stuff. 

I got new eyeball glasses today, for the first time!  I love them.  I got a ton of compliments already.  They're so cute, and yes, they're even purple-ish. 

I've been meeting with a financial planner, and it's just really great.  I feel like I'm headed in the right direction!!  The head of the company even asked me to do his hair (he's been sitting in on my meetings and giving me marketing ideas).  His assistant called me this morning before our meeting to ask if I could bring my hairstuff with me to cut his hair.  I brought my bag of goodies, and a sheet to lay down since we'd be doing it in his office.  (haha..  that last line sounded dirty lol.)  Anyway, he loved his hair, and told me that he's going on a cruise with his wife tomorrow with 10 other couples who are local friends of his, and he's going to tell all of them about me. 

I just feel so lucky lately.  Everyone I've met has been so supportive, and just so full of ideas.  :-)

OH MY GOD.

I just found out that Chelsea Handler is gonna be coming to town just an hour and a half from me in a couple weeks.  I am ECSTATIC.  I have to go see her.  Squirt, she's coming to your town.  Wanna go?????  I LOVE her.  She is hilarious.  Oh my god i can't wait.  chhhhhhyeahhhhh!!!

Ok, time for a smile.

So I promised details on new events a couple posts ago, so here we are.  The first thing was that I was talking to someone new who was peeking my interest.  Well my peek flat out dropped hahaha.  Had a date with her last sunday, and we had fun meeting up in a city that was between us, went to a couple museums, walked under a bridge and explored, and then out of no where before we're about to head to the dinner restaurant, she seriously attacks me with a really inappropriate first kiss.  With all the messes of my past, I'm really just realizing that there are things that I want, and that I shouldnt settle for less.  And damnit, I want to have a really romantic and amazing first kiss.  I've had one really great first kiss.  We'd had a good share of drinks between us, and decided to go down to the beach at night to sit on a blanket that I always keep in the back of my car, and listen to the waves.  I remember rambling on and on because I was tipsy and nervous, and she just put her hand on the back of my neck, caught my attention, looked me right in the eyes, and said "honey, shush, why don't you just kiss me?"  and I fell right into it, and it was passionate and soft and magical and delicious and sexy and perfect.  I want another moment like that.  So when I'm getting settled in my driver's seat after walking in the rain, looking down to put my seatbelt on, and you pretty much bump my head as you swallow my face with no warning...  that's just not gonna cut it.  Sorry babe.  At 34, you should know by now how to go in for a kiss.  And then the rest of the evening was just awkward.. and then the next day I was bombarded with texts saying that I'm rude and that I'm being short with her.  And I even ended up blowing off a friend that night when she was going to a concert that I would have really enjoyed. 

So ya know what?  I've decided that this summer is going to be mine.  I stayed single all through last summer, and it was the best summer I'd had in years.  I just had fun with my friends, and it was everything I could have needed or wanted.  I've made some new friends over the past year, reconnected with older ones, and I've already had a few crazy random nights of fun this summer. When something is meant to happen, it will. 
And more importantly, I really just need to concentrate on building up my business.  I met with a financial planner last week, and it was honestly the best meeting of my life.  I have never felt more like I'm on the right track.  I'm excited to see my progression in the next year, even just this summer.  I'm really getting my shit together, and it's making me really happy and proud of myself.  Things are even getting better at home, and I'm not feeling as hounded lately.  I had to have a serious talk with my mom about how she needs to just back off instead of wanting to control and 'help' me every minute.  I'm a big girl, and I can handle it, but no one flourishes while being micro-managed by their mother.  The stepdad is learning to shut it too, and is being much more respectful of me.  Good things.

I'm ecstatic that it's summer.  It's just a whole new feeling in the air, and I'm really feeling good about life right now.  Here's to a great summer!!!

Holy jesus mary mother of god.

Ok we really need to stop talking about this...  We're still finding out more and more about the dreaded X bitch asshole.  I contacted her other ex (apparently all 3 of us overlapped each other on more than one occassion) to apologize for all of this stuff that I didn't even know, and then we started comparing stories and it's like what else can we possibly pile on to this?  But there's always more. 

I think I found the topper though.  While X and I were together (this was over a year ago) I had been working on a painting that was going to be her birthday present.  I wasn't finished with it when we broke up, but I put it away for a long time and didn't work on it.  About 6 months after the breakup, I pulled the painting back out, and kept the general design of it all, but added a bunch of different colors, to change it.  It felt amazing.  I was fully over her, and this was my way of getting full closure, something that I really could have only given myself.  The painting is beautiful.  It's currently hanging in the salon where I used to work, on display.  It transformed itself into one of my favorite paintings, and it means a lot to me, naturally.  Well, as I was talking to the 3rd ex tonight, she was talking about X's new girl and sent me a link to a picture of her and X on facebook.  I then scrolled through about 3 more pictures in the album, and I came upon this picture of X smiling at the camera, facing her laptop computer, so the open laptop back is facing the camera.  The entire back of her laptop is a picture of that painting.  I fucking flipped out.  3rd Ex told me that she actually bought that for her, X had gotten a new laptop, and ordered that picture of my painting as a sticker to put on the top of the laptop.  Yeah.  She has been keeping her nose in my websites for my art, she stole my painting, somehow put it on a sticker, and she actually had her other ex buy it for her online. 

I was just livid when I saw that picture.  After all we've discovered about this disgusting human being, she still had to steal one more thing from me, something that meant so much to me, and even if it wasn't so sentimental to me, it doesn't matter.  This asshole/waste of space/absolute worthless human being took so much from me without even a second thought in her head. 

Ok I'm done.  This is the last time I get angry over her.  It's just amazing to know that this kind of person was ever allowed to be in my life.  I can safely say I hate her.  And I don't ever say that. 

If you're reading this, cuz I know you're a nosey little shit, you're gonna get what's coming to you.  I hope you're ready for it. 

Yesssss.

I think I found me a keeper.  Or at least someone who is highly peeking my interest.  :)  Good times.

Details to come.

Oh and I have a HILARIOUS story about my dad.  More details to come!

Wow. Still in shock.

And even more so now.  I'm finding out more and more about the reality of the relationship that I had with this girl  'X' that i was talking about.  After talking to J, her other ex, more tonight, we're still piecing things together.  She knows a helluva lot more than I do, cuz 'X' confided in her about all the shit she was doing to me.  After the convo tonight, I feel like a major dumbass.  Like...  i don't even know.  I know it's not worth talking about, much less even worrying about or thinking about, but I have just never been this blindsided by someone.  I knew I had been through heartbreak, and bad relationships before, but I just can't believe how much this takes the fucking cake.  I just can't believe all of the lies, I can't even piece them together.  Every single thing that we had together was a lie.  And it wasn't even a good lie.  All of the cheating.  Finding out now that I was pretty much always 'the other woman' and I didn't even know it.  I wasn't even the other woman, I was probably one of many.  I know this feeling will pass by tomorrow, but right now, it's just a little hard to breathe. 

And get this shit!  I made a new lesbian friend recently, and we just figured out that we both have a history with this girl!  and we live like 2 hours apart.  Luckily she didn't stick around as long as I did.  But she, too, was 'the other woman' and didn't realize it at first. She was with her just this year, while 'X' was with the girl that she left me for in the end.  And she was one of many, as I'm hearing from a few different people.   I'm just mortified.  I've just always thought that I have a good idea of who people are.  'X' even told me a few times that it scared her how much she thought I could read her, and how no one else ever could.  Well I apparently couldn't read her enough. 

I know that this all happened over a year ago, and I'm so thankful for that, but it still just jolts you to know that your own history isn't what you thought it was.  I'll get over it.  It's just crazy.  I literally can't wrap my head around everything that was going on.  I couldn't even write it all out if I wanted to.  To now know that I was cuddling her on the couch in her grandfather's hospital room as he lay there dying... and she was actually still with someone else while this was happening.  To now know that when her car broke down when she was on her way to meet my family for superbowl sunday 3 years ago, and I came out to save her, she was actually texting her other gf asking her to come save her first, but she couldn't because she was at work.  All of the lies.  All of the secrets. 

Ok, I'm fine.  I just had to vent this out.  I really am just jolted.  But I'm fine.  Just crazy.

New Award

~J over at Boobies, Babies, and a Blog is handing out this award to her followers (or as she calls them, 'boobie chasers' haha, how adorable!!), and I'm snagging it.  After my last post, I need a bit of sunshine anyway!!

I'm passing this one to all of my followers too!  Thanks so much for giving a damn about the crazy stuff I ramble on about!  Happy Tuesday :)

Holy shit.

Well I just found out who my craziest ex is.  Wow.  Holy...shit.  Like...  I just found out so much that I didn't even know, and we've been broken up for over a year.  I'm literally sitting here, just in shock, appalled, I can't even believe what i just heard.

All I can say is that I'm lucky to have gotten out of that when I did.  I didn't know people were really able to treat people so badly, and still be able to look in the mirror and sleep at night.  I knew there were lies in my relationship with her, but I just simply had no idea the extent of them.  Apparently she cheated on me with her ex before me, with the girl she left me for, and 'some dude' that no one knows who he is.    And, while she and I were beginning our relationship, apparently she was still with the ex before me.  And this is just the beginning.  I mean, there is so much more, I just can't even believe it.  After talking to another one of her exes, I just can't believe what a sociopath this girl is.  She literally wants to ruin everyones lives that she comes into contact with.  She needs to be cut off.  She needs to be medicated.  She needs to be put in a corner until she can learn how to interact with the rest of the human race in a respectful manner. 

I'm mortified that this was a person that I thought I loved at one time.  I had talked about a real future with this girl, talked about children, talked about opening a business with her. She was the first person that I ever saw a real future with, one that excited me and made me feel amazing.  I spent time with her family, I made a painting especially for her that was probably the most sentimental thing I've ever painted in my life.  I held her hand and cried with her.  I even danced around naked in the moonlight on the beach with her and her sister in the middle of the night in Corolla, NC, at my dad's beach house.  I would go and play cards with her grandma and her.  That girl even got me going to mass with her.  Looking back on the great memories we had, I feel like I have NO idea of who she was the entire time we were together.  How do I come into contact with these people?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???  How is it so easy for some people to just completely lie to your face?  To just flat out make up everything about who they are and what they care about?

Thankfully, I'm finding out about this a long time after it's been over, so it definitely doesn't affect me like it would have if I found this stuff out back when it was still fresh.  I'll admit that hearing these things definitely turned my stomach, but I was able to brush it off rather quickly. I have known for a long time that I wouldn't touch this girl with a 10ft pole, I just had no idea the extent of her absolute craziness.  The funny thing is that she recently asked her ex (the one who told me all of this info) that she wanted her to help her get me back.  Really???  I mean really.  She even added that she missed my boobs and chocha!!  My boobs and chocha are mine, and she sure as hell can't have them back!!! This is the same girl that left me the day before my birthday, the day after I had taken her to see Fleetwood Mac, and who I just now found out that she actually told people that she was staying with me because she wanted to go to the concert.  I already knew that, but the fact that she actually said it out loud as if she were proud of it...  just wow.  Haha... wow. This is the same damn girl that was the reason behind me starting a new blog, just because I didn't want her to be able to keep her tabs on me. I'm just lucky to have not stayed with her longer.  I'm ecstatic that she left when she did!  I'll still always look at that night on the beach with her and her sister as being one of the most meaningful nights of my life.  I felt free and beautiful and healthy and one with every spec of earth and water around me, and I thank her and her sister for bringing that feeling to life in me.  It really was the most amazing feeling, it's just such a shame that she didn't appreciate it all as much as I did.  But I'm glad.  I will just never be able to understand some people.  The guilt I would feel for treating someone like that (and she has treated multiple people this way)... I just can't even imagine.  Seriously CRAZY.

Just one more lesson on my path to the right one.  At least I can look back and remember that feeling that I'm still searching for in the future.

Follow Me Back Tuesday

how cute is this???

Bigger and better things.

I had a really great week this week.  I have been so busy!  I've met quite a few amazing women, made a couple new friends, and have gotten a lot of new ideas for my business.  I'm really excited!  I feel like I'm on the brink of something great, something that I'm creating all on my own, something that is really me, and something that is going to create my future. 

I had met with a woman, Allison, for lunch about a month ago.  She and my mom had met at a networking function, and my mom had been tooting my horn to her haha.  (what are mama's for??)  She is starting her own business, basically she's wanting to help other small business owners get on their feet, and help with marketing and such.  So I met with her for lunch, she gave me a ton of great ideas, and also put me in touch with this woman's group in the area.  They're called the "Geekettes Club" and basically, they are just all about promoting and helping each other, no matter what business we are in.  There's over 300 women in the group!  They meet once every month, and I went to my first meeting this past week.  Sonya, the creator of the group, is such a doll.  I latched onto her so fast!  She has the cutest australian accent, so of course I'm hanging on her every word as she's giving me tips for my business.  She does online marketing, so she had so many great ideas for me.  I had made a brochure (instead of the flyer I was using) using Microsoft Publisher, and brought a copy of it with me to the meeting, so I could get some input on it.  Sonya had said that the whole thing ended up looking to corporate, and that she thought that since I'm an artist, I should use my creativity to make the whole thing stand out.  I was scared to go too overboard with it originally, not wanting to make it look too out there, but now I'm really having fun with it and I think it's definitely gonna catch some people's eyes.   I even singled in on a logo.  I have literally made like 40 of them and finally made one that I love (a lot better than the one I was going to use, that I simply didn't hate, but didn't love haha).  Here it is:

Pretty cute eh?  I love it.  I did make the mistake of ordering new business cards with a different design, but it's ok, they're still really cute, and they look a lot better than my old ones, and most importantly, they have my new website on them. 

I met with a client today, and asked her for her input on my website (take a look at it, click on the picture on the right under my bio), and she gave me some different ideas too, so I think my website will continually be a work in progress.  I have at least gotten the look of it to be something that I don't hate.  I have literally been working on it everyday and night of this week, whenever I wasn't with clients.  I haven't been able to sleep!  I'm just so excited about everything, and I want to make sure that I'm making the most of all of the new ideas.  I really think that all of this is going to make a difference, and I'll actually be able to hand out my business card proudly, with a nice brochure and website to back it up.

The Geekettes Club is planning on having workshops that I'm going to attend.  They bring in business specialists to teach us the ins and outs of starting your own business.  I'm so excited!  They are also planning a vendor event, and Sonya said that I could bring my paintings to show and also do live hairstyling right there in the show.  Luckily I've been 'on stage' before, my old salon used to do stage shows and I got to help. 

I'm just so excited.  I feel like so many opportunities are opening up for me, and they couldn't have come sooner.  I'm in a good place emotionally, and just ready to grab everything that comes towards me. 

I am thinking that I'm going to hold off on moving out of mom's house.  I have so many things that are coming together, and I realize I need to have a bigger base before I take all of those expenses back on.  I'm lucky to be able to not have to pay rent, and things really are calming down around here.  No reason to rock the boat at this point.  I was always thinking that living here would just completely diminish my social and dating life, but who cares at this point?  That's not what my focus is right now.  I really want to establish my business, and essentially establish myself.  I'm feeling great!

Pictures as promised.

So these are a little late, but here's some pics from last weekend seeing Grace Potter and the Nocturnals with SquirtyB and her friends. 

The view as we're walking to the festival.

Blurry Grace Potter, the woman who stole my heart!

Grace rockin out.  Be still my heart.  She was so sexy.

And her voice is just amazing.

hahahha sorry Squirty, I just couldn't help but to put this up!  This is SquirtyB on the left, with her gf.

Here's a better one hehhehe.

And here's me with SquirtyB.  The stage is behind us!  We had such a good time, even though we were all sweating so bad that my makeup literally melted right off my face.  See the shine???  Good times.

I am also super excited because I got a new computer.  My old one was broken and it turned out that the repairs were gonna be more expensive than the thing was even worth, so I got a really nice used laptop for only $150!!!  It's way newer than the one I had and works great and I love it.  It even has windows 7 on it. 

Again more excitedness because my friend S has a friend who just put her condo up for rent and H and I are gonna go look at it this week.  It's a 2 bedroom 2 full bath, in a great part of town, and she's bringing the price down to only $900 a month for us since I know her best friend.  I'm so excited, I'm ready!  She's revamping the whole place, so it'll be ready for us to look at by wednesday.  Whooooop!

And the search begins.

So I've been living back at my mom's house now for a little over 3 months, and I'm pretty much at my breaking point.  My friend H has had to recently move back in with her mom, and she's ready to lose it too.  I met up with her last night for her cousin's birthday celebration, and we had some drinks and formulated a plan.  The plan is to find a place together.  The plan is to begin this week.  The plan is now.  The plan is genius. 

I'm really excited about this, I really think that she and I will be the refreshment that the other needs, and it's definitely something to look foward to.  I'm happy that I was able to save up some money while being at home, but it's definitely time to go!

I bought Chelsea Handler's book "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" and just started reading it.  I've only just read the first chapter, and already I was laughing so hard that there were tears streaming down my face and my jaw about fell to the floor like 3 times.  She is hilarious!  And raunchy as hell, but I love it.  I can't wait to see what else this crazy broad has to say.  I love her show, so when I saw her book, I knew I had to get it.  I think she has a couple others out too, so I'll probably be getting those soon too. 

Ohhh like so many done before, ya always leave me wanting more...

I am very much in love and mesmerized by Grace Potter.  Good lord, what a sexy and talented woman.  I mean, for real.  I went up to visit SquirtyB last night, to go to the Grace Potter and the Nocturnals show.  I got stuck in major traffic going there and coming home this morning, but let me tell you, it was welllll worth it!

I was all set to write up a great blog about all of the fun I had last night and this morning, but I am just too appalled right now to go there.  I feel like I have pulled the wool away from my eyes.  I will never again call MJ a friend of mine.  That woman is not who I thought she was.  And I'll never understand how it makes someone sleep easy at night when they are so cold hearted... to actually place blame on someone else who was so good to them.  I don't know how I manage to get involved with people like this, how I seem to get fooled so easily.  But I guess it's one more lesson somehow.  Ya know what?  Who gives a shit. I'm done wasting my time thinking about her.  I had a great night last night, and she is not going to ruin that, or this post, or anything else.

Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  My god, seriously, she's amazing.  This video is a couple years old, but here ya go.  I got some pictures of her last night too, I'll post those next time.  But yeah, I'm in love.  hehe ;-)



And I also found another love last night too, but I was too chicken shit to even say hi to her.  SquirtyB, her gf, and a couple of her friends and I went to the local lesbo bar in her town after seeing Grace Potter sing her skirt off. 

There was this girl there.  She caught my eye as soon as I saw her, from across the room.  I caught hers too.  We made eye contact countless times, and even locked eyes for a few seconds a few times, you know those locked eyes when you can't look away but you're terrified and buzzzzerflies are shooting all over your body...  oh man.  She was a sight.  I kept telling SquirtyB that I thought she was so cute but that I'm scared and I'm too shy to just go up to some girl and say hi... and of course Squirty was... shall we say... very happily tipsy hahaha, and kept literally booty bumping me towards my dreamgirl.  Squirty is much taller than me, and had no trouble over powering me hahaha.  So as I'm being pushed across the dance floor against my will, I'm trying to get up the courage to go say hi to this beam of light.  It didn't happen.  I then see her friends all pulling her out onto the dancefloor against her will, and I discover that she too is apparently very shy, which just made me all mushy even more for her.  Her table where she's standing is near the back hallway to go to the potty, so I again lock eyes with her on my two trips to the bathroom.  The second time, when i was walking out, was the biggest eyeball lock.  We both even turned our heads a bit to keep our eyes locked as i walked by.  I just smiled, sheepishly, but still enough for her to see that I was smiling at her.  So, is it gonna be me or her that has to jump the hurdle?  As i keep locking eyes with her, and she is usually the first one to look away, even when I see her trying to find my eyes through the crowd, I see that I will probably have to be the one to say hello.  So, I make one last trip to the potty, to make sure that I look ok and to empty my peeps so that I don't feel the need to wet myself from nervousness. 

When I came back out, she was gone.  Gone!  Can you believe it?  I waited too long.  I must have bitched the entire way home to Squirty and her gf about how I was so mad at myself for letting her pass me by.  I can't get her big brown eyes locked on mine out of my head.  My plan?  To pester Squirty into letting me come visit her any weekend that she has available so that we can go back and I can see if I see her again.  If ever I were to see her again, I wouldn't let her pass me by!

I love awards.

Don't ask me why! 

I do believe that this is actually my 4th blog.  I have changed blogs so many times haha.  I had gotten quite a few awards in my first blog, couple in my second, but didn't want to take any with me to my latest one.  So thisssss is my kinda sorta my first one here.  Yeah it was given to every one of her followers by I'm No Miss but that's ok.  I'm taking it, just like she said. 

yayyyy. 

I want to pass this award along to a few of my favorites, and for those who have really been there (even if only in my lovely blogger world) for me while I'm having my crazy days haha.  I really appreciate all of the helpful comments, even if it's not always what I want to hear!

1. Miss Squirty B-I love you to pieces and I miss you and I wanna hang out soon and thank you for being there for me and always making me feel better.  You are truly a great friend.

2. Mel's Way-Thank you for all of your comments, I don't know you very well but for some reason you really do always know what to say to make me feel better!  And I love your blog!  And I know you already have this award, but now you have it twice :)

3. Emily's Last Word-she's my new favorite follower and she looks so familiar to me but I can't figure out why, but I love her blog so here ya go!

4. To any one of my other followers.  I know my last few posts have seemed a bit crazy and dramatic, but in times like these, it's comforting to know that someone out there is listening.  Thank you all!

Better days.

Here's to having a better day!  I'm in a much better mood today.  I'm well aware that it could be gone just as quickly tomorrow, but my good mood is here right now so I think that calls for a celebration. 

MJ is on a trip to Washington to see some relatives, and although she doesn't live next door to me at all, it feels good to have even more distance between us.  I know it's not needed, but maybe it's just in my mind and it seems to be working.  She had texted saying that she wouldn't be able to talk much while she's there, and it actually made me feel so much better.  I told her this is probably a good time for me to get my head back on straight, and told her to have a good time.  She's gonna be there for a week.  She's gonna be busy with her family for a week.  I'm sure I'll hear from her a little bit here and there, but for this next week, I think it's gonna be my time to find my own peace again. 

I had written about how I was supposed to be going up to her this past week, to be her nurse while she had surgery.  I went on Thursday, her surgery was friday.  I took care of her.  I took really really good care of her.  I ran her errands, and walked her dog.  I did everything I could to make her as comfortable as possible.  I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours while she was having the procedure, by myself.  I dressed her before it was time to go home.  I layed in bed next to her while she slept after the procedure, dozed off myself a couple of times, but just wanted to be there close to her in case she needed anything.  I rubbed her back, and even got her a big bag of her favorite candies for when she was feeling better.  I had to leave that night, because I had 7 prom hairdos starting at 1030 the next morning, but I stayed with her late enough that I didn't even get home until 2am, just because I was so scared to leave her in case she needed me. 

I'm glad I did all of these things.  She did thank me.  But yeah, I cried for about 2 hours of the 4 hour drive home.  It left me feeling confused, and lost.  I'm glad that feeling's past.  I didn't know what to expect when i saw her.  She had said that she didn't know either, she didn't know how she was going to feel when we saw each other.  But it was confirmed the next morning, that my being there hadn't changed how she felt.  It felt like a sucker punch.  I had just been there for her in one of her lowest moments, drove a total of 8 hours in two days to take care of her, and it didn't even make her flinch in her decision.  It made me feel like I'm too nice.  I actually wonder if she would have done the same for me.  But I guess it doesn't matter to think about things like that.  It's over.  I don't have to wonder anymore if we will someday change our minds and try again.  Maybe in a way, it was a very weird case of closure, and maybe I needed it. 

Just last night, when she called me, she snapped at me because I had texted her asking her how her MRI went (she had to have one last night for some back issues, and the appointment was right after her date with the new girl), and had texted her again half an hour later asking why she couldn't answer me.  I knew I was just digging a hole, don't ask me why I did it..  but when she called me, she had no issues with making me feel like shit, like I owed her an apology for texting her.  The same feeling I had felt when my major ex would make me feel like a worthless piece of shit, that's the feeling I felt all over again.  Not as serious, but still the same.  It disgusted me.  No one should be made to feel like that, and I will never let someone make me feel that lowly again.  I will not give anyone the satisfaction.  She knows that I'm having issues, and trying to heal, trying my best.  I will never again apologize for having a heart.  She got the last apology. 

I don't believe that she is as cold hearted as she is seeming to me right now.  I think that she actually may be an ex that I can have a constructive friendship with in the future.  But for now, she's just making me feel like shit and today was a good day without having her be such a part of it.  The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter.  Here I come.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool...

not crazy, just a little unwell-ishhhh.

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty (rob thomas is my baby daddy) just came on my pandora and I'm sitting here listening to the words and isn't it weird how songs that you've heard a thousand times already can suddenly make sense to you in a completely new and different way?

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me.

I'm actually feeling better right now, after writing that last post, and I've just been reading a ton of ya'lls blogs and getting my mind off of my own life, and then a song like that comes on, and it makes me wonder how long I'm gonna be able to keep it up.  I really do need to get some sleep, and stop fucking up my sleep schedule so much.  Now Somewhere Over the Rainbow just came on..  the version of it that I love.. and just instantly brings tears to my eyes.  This has always been one of my favorite songs.  My friend actually got married last weekend, and this man who worked at the bed and breakfast sang this song to us as we were getting ready, hair and makeup stuff.  It was so sweet.  And I can look at her, my newly married friend, and know that I'll find that happiness one day.  I'll find my fairytale.  Why is it in me to want to search so much for it though?  I have so many other things to search for, and this is always the subject that seems to overtake my mind.  The never ending search for love.  Who knows. 

Oh crystal ball... tell me life is beautiful.

New favorite music:  Keane.

Well, I got the privilege of hearing tonight that MJ's first date with the new girl went great. 

I'm not really sure why I'm putting myself through this.  I tell myself that it's a good idea, and that the hurt feelings will go away... but so far no good.  The fucked up part is that I don't even want her back.  That, for one thing, is getting easier and easier to see everyday.  But what I don't get is why it still turns my stomach.  It makes me feel so mixed up, almost sick, like I can't make myself completely step away from the situation.  I want to know, for some sick reason, what's going on.  But it's always been easier for me to just walk away and not have to subject myself to hearing about their new life without me.  I know what I need to do.  I need to do what I KNOW is best for me.

In my last post, I have to say that every single person's comment pissed me off.  I wanted ya'll to side with meeee!  and for some reason, I felt like no one did that.  No one said what I WANTED to hear.  I know that's not actually true.  But I want to feel ok with making a decision that seems 'cold' to some people, by just stepping away.  It's what's easier for me, and I just don't think I can heal otherwise.  Maybe I'll be able to go back and be friends with an ex later, but I just can't do that until I'm fully healed from the breakup.  I'm not even fucking hurting that much over this shit, it's just something that literally sits in the middle of my head and it won't go away.  I just need it gone right now.  I don't need this kind of distraction.

After MJ and I got off the phone tonight, I went straight into the bathroom and took a burning hot bubble bath.  I never take baths.  Like seriously, maybe once a year.  I put on my pandora and typed in coldplay and blasted the speakers and just layed in there, taking deep breaths.  The water was so hot I could hardly stand it at first, but I needed to feel the stimulation. 

Lines ever more unclear

I'm not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

Here we go.

I actually don't even know what to say or where to start...  I'm so confused with myself right now and I hate feeling this way and I hate that I STILL don't know how to find my way out of shit like this.  I feel like any choice I make will be the wrong one.  I feel like it's not even up to me to make a decision. 

I'm not a go with the flow kind of person.  It actually makes me crazy to just sit back and watch things happen, I want to be more involved and I feel like it will all blow up in my face if I just say that I'll come back to this later and make a decision.  Again, I think I get this from my mother.  She is a control freak, a really big one.  Like, for real, big time.  So I guess I got some of that wonderful little trait from her, yay me.  But I really just don't know how to just sit back and let things happen, when I know that it's hurting me, and that it's going to hurt me if I am able to see it all happening in front of me.

Confused enough yet?  I'm trying to be vague because I have a new reader!  But that was my decision, which was another one that I wanted to trust wouldn't come bite me in the ass.  So here it is.  MJ and I are friends now.  That's the decision that we came to together.  I have never been able to be friends with an ex, and I've just gotten the sting of remembering why.  I'm a softie.  And it's been easier for us to just be friends, and keep each other in our lives, so that we wouldn't have to feel the full on sting of the breakup.  And yes, we did break up, it's over, and I can say with 95% certainty that I haven't been hoping for us to get back together.  It's just been flat out nice to still be someone else's number one.  And that's probably been the issue that we hadn't realized until now.  We have still been talking just as much as we did when we were dating... yeah, seriously like all day everyday, we're in touch, and we know what the other person is doing.  I was actually at an all day wedding yesterday where my phone didn't get service, and by the end of the night, I felt like I needed to rush home so that I'd be able to talk to her on the phone.  I actually felt guilty for not being able to talk to her throughout the day, even though we're not even a couple.  So yeah, this isn't ideal, but it's been easy and nice and comfortable. 

And then today, I found out that she might have a new love interest.  She was very honest with me, she didn't try to hide it.  She and I are both on a well known dating online site (which is actually how we met) and she has been emailing a new girl back and forth over this weekend.  Ouch, that stings!  Why?  Well I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we've never really seperated ourselves, and so I haven't had time to prepare for the thought of her maybe talking to someone else.  She said that the other girl had given her her number, and that MJ planned on calling her. 

So, our predicament.  And don't worry kids, I had no issues telling her that it hurts me and that I don't know how to deal with it and all that stuff.  And yeah, it's not even anything yet to fret over, they only talked on the phone once tonight.  But it's scaring me because of how I'm reacting to this, and if it does turn out to be something more, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.  It seems too soon.  And I know she doesn't mean for it to be, but it seems hurtful.  I think it seems hurtful to me because I'm planning on going up to see her this Thursday, to be there for her and take care of her because she's having surgery, a procedure that's going to be pretty life altering.  I want to be there for her.  I want her to know that she has me to count on, that I'll always be there for her, but now it just feels like I'm a step in.  I don't want to feel this way, and she doesn't want me to feel this way, and she says that she still wants us to be friends and that it shouldn't be a conditional friendship.  But it's just hard for me.  I'm finding out today that it's just not that easy for me to turn off my feelings like a light switch, and there's been no warning of this coming.  We've still pretty much been each other's daily companions, even if it's just been over the phone for 3 weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.  It's just pretty shitty timing that this gets all jumbled up right before I want to be there for her in 3 days.  I don't want to be there and wonder who she's texting, and I know that that is just how my mind works.  I wish I didn't think that way.  I wish I didn't have so much jealousy in me.  I don't want to be this way, but I hurt and I don't know how to make it stop.  I'm just tired of always being the one who gets their feelings hurt.  I feel like I strive to do best by others, and I feel that I'm genuinely a good person, and that karma should be making its way back around to me, but it just seems like everything leads to one more dead end.  I'm tired of having a reason to tear up, or a reason for me to question if I'm doing what's really best for myself. 

I try to live so that if I do enough good and if I care enough about other people, it'll come back around to me.  It would just be nice for someone else to put my feelings first.  I don't even know what I'm asking for, but it always seems like it's just too much. 

I want to be there for her at the end of this week, and I still think I'm going to go.  I'd feel guilty for not going, and just get upset with myself.  I just wish I knew what to do with all this stuff in my head and heart.  I don't even know where to put it, which way to push it or pull it.