Better days.

Here's to having a better day!  I'm in a much better mood today.  I'm well aware that it could be gone just as quickly tomorrow, but my good mood is here right now so I think that calls for a celebration. 

MJ is on a trip to Washington to see some relatives, and although she doesn't live next door to me at all, it feels good to have even more distance between us.  I know it's not needed, but maybe it's just in my mind and it seems to be working.  She had texted saying that she wouldn't be able to talk much while she's there, and it actually made me feel so much better.  I told her this is probably a good time for me to get my head back on straight, and told her to have a good time.  She's gonna be there for a week.  She's gonna be busy with her family for a week.  I'm sure I'll hear from her a little bit here and there, but for this next week, I think it's gonna be my time to find my own peace again. 

I had written about how I was supposed to be going up to her this past week, to be her nurse while she had surgery.  I went on Thursday, her surgery was friday.  I took care of her.  I took really really good care of her.  I ran her errands, and walked her dog.  I did everything I could to make her as comfortable as possible.  I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours while she was having the procedure, by myself.  I dressed her before it was time to go home.  I layed in bed next to her while she slept after the procedure, dozed off myself a couple of times, but just wanted to be there close to her in case she needed anything.  I rubbed her back, and even got her a big bag of her favorite candies for when she was feeling better.  I had to leave that night, because I had 7 prom hairdos starting at 1030 the next morning, but I stayed with her late enough that I didn't even get home until 2am, just because I was so scared to leave her in case she needed me. 

I'm glad I did all of these things.  She did thank me.  But yeah, I cried for about 2 hours of the 4 hour drive home.  It left me feeling confused, and lost.  I'm glad that feeling's past.  I didn't know what to expect when i saw her.  She had said that she didn't know either, she didn't know how she was going to feel when we saw each other.  But it was confirmed the next morning, that my being there hadn't changed how she felt.  It felt like a sucker punch.  I had just been there for her in one of her lowest moments, drove a total of 8 hours in two days to take care of her, and it didn't even make her flinch in her decision.  It made me feel like I'm too nice.  I actually wonder if she would have done the same for me.  But I guess it doesn't matter to think about things like that.  It's over.  I don't have to wonder anymore if we will someday change our minds and try again.  Maybe in a way, it was a very weird case of closure, and maybe I needed it. 

Just last night, when she called me, she snapped at me because I had texted her asking her how her MRI went (she had to have one last night for some back issues, and the appointment was right after her date with the new girl), and had texted her again half an hour later asking why she couldn't answer me.  I knew I was just digging a hole, don't ask me why I did it..  but when she called me, she had no issues with making me feel like shit, like I owed her an apology for texting her.  The same feeling I had felt when my major ex would make me feel like a worthless piece of shit, that's the feeling I felt all over again.  Not as serious, but still the same.  It disgusted me.  No one should be made to feel like that, and I will never let someone make me feel that lowly again.  I will not give anyone the satisfaction.  She knows that I'm having issues, and trying to heal, trying my best.  I will never again apologize for having a heart.  She got the last apology. 

I don't believe that she is as cold hearted as she is seeming to me right now.  I think that she actually may be an ex that I can have a constructive friendship with in the future.  But for now, she's just making me feel like shit and today was a good day without having her be such a part of it.  The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter.  Here I come.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool...