What a week.

Last week was a busy one.  Keeping busy helps after just going through a breakup.  It was good for me to not have time to just sit and think about MJ.  This weekend has been slower, and it started off with a jolt that got me right back into the breakup mindset.  But I'm ok.  Been through much worse than this.  I mean I know I wasn't in love.  I know that.  I guess my heart will just always be a little more tender than I would like for it to be.  There's just no way around that.  I've thought that it would get easier, the more that I had experienced, but it always stings just the same.  Guess I'll just have to live with that!  It's ok I guess, in the end it's not gonna hurt to care too much, not in a way that I can't be proud of anyway. 

My new part time job doesn't leave ANY room for thinking about anything else but it while I'm there.  My friend Sandra owns a preschool, and I've started working there a few days a week.  So many of my hair appts end up being in the evening so I wanted to do something that would take up some of my daytime, and some extra money doesn't hurt either.  I'm working with the babies of the school, the two year olds.  I have fallen madly in love with this one little girl, from the first day she latched onto me and stole my heart.  Her name is Madyson.  Whenever I get there, she sees me and her face lights up with a big smile and yells 'HIIIII!!!'  It's just the cutest thing.  She always wants me to hold her or carry her or hug me or sit in my lap.  And then there's Kloey, and Jasmine, and Grayson and Gavin (twins) and the youngest baby is Richard, who is just the sweetest little blonde quiet boy. We have up to 16 kids in the 'twos' class at one time, and it's just me and one other girl who are with them.  I originally went in there thinking I would just try it and I didn't think that I'd have the patience to be with a bunch of kids all day, but I just love it.  It's trying at times, but even the little problem child terrors make me smile sometimes. 

For a while now, I've been questioning if I'd even want to have kids of my own.  This never used to be a question for me, it was always certain in my mind that I did, but doubts about my wanting it have surfaced.  But now, after spending time with these babies, there's no question anymore.  I still don't want them now, but I do know I want to have kids in the future.  Just need to find me a baby mama first haha.  The twins, Grayson and Gavin, they actually have lesbian moms.  The birth mom drops them off in the morning, and 'Mimi', their other mom, picks them up in the afternoon.  I think it's cute that they call her Mimi.  :-)

We also lost a friend last week.  It was actually last Saturday.  Shae Buchanan lost his battle with cancer.  He made it to his 23rd birthday.  His service was Thursday night and it was beautiful.  Sandra, my friend who owns the preschool, is his cousin.  I did Sandra and her gf's hair on Wednesday night before the service.  We all drank together that night, and looked through photo albums as they told me funny stories about things that Shae would do.  He was quite a character!  I only got to meet him a handful of times, but even from the first time I met him, he was someone that would stand out without even trying.  What a great smile that kid had...  I still just can't believe he's gone.  Watch this video, the local news station got an interview with him after he had originally learned that he was sick, and we were all thinking that he was going to be fine, he was beating it.  He worked at the preschool too, and it's been hard when all the kids are asking 'where is Mr. Shae?'

I'm having dinner with a friend tonight.  I don't think it's a date, maybe it is haha... but I don't think it is.  We've actually only met once, and it was back in December of last year.  We've been saying we needed to get coffee again for a long time, but then I started dating MJ and so we lost touch.  So anyway, it'll be nice to see her again, she was good company the first time around.

Breakup aftermath.

Hey guess what?  I'm really doing fine.  I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be, but it just always seems so dramatic when you're still in that mindset.  So end of the worldish, so woe is me.  But yeah, didn't take me long to snap out of that.  I guess that just justifies the thought that was in my head all along, that I just wasn't in love. 

I think my problem is that I don't know how to let go of things.  Like, even though I knew the spark was barely glowing, I just wanted to move foward with it and hope that it would grow.  So that's something I'm gonna have to learn.  I had gotten myself into it, so I wanted to stick with it and be faithful to it.  I thought that was the adult thing to do.  Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing it even now, which we all know I'm just FAMOUS for doing anyway.  haha...  it really is funny I guess.  Relationships are just a bitch!

Why do they seem to take over some parts of your mind?  Why do I feel so differently now that I'm out of the 'blinders' mindset?  Who knows.  But yeah...  me snapping out of it so quickly isn't entirely just because of me.  Some great friends really just came out of the woodwork yesterday, and said all kinds of nice things and I even made a couple of them sit through me talking the whole thing out and give me their input, and a lot of it was so constructive and helpful.  Things I didn't even realize until they said it.  All of the red flags that were flying SO HIGH!  And I didn't even know it all or consider it all or realize how blinded I was. 

I do have one special person who really made me feel great.  Yeah, it's kind of a sticky situation though haha.  Of course it is right?  She's an ex.  S, we'll call her.  We had only dated a while ago for a short period of time, but she recently found me on facebook and added me, maybe like 5 months ago or something.  She's now in a serious relationship, living with her gf, and they're happy and I'm happy for her.  She and I never really had a fair shot at things, I was still not over J, the major ex, and my head was cloudy (I honestly don't even recognize that version of myself, when I was in love with J, it was the most disfunctional relationship I think I'll ever have) and after S and I had a 'big misunderstanding' (as we call it now) I went running back to J who was sweet talkin me again.  Anyway, S works for an eye doctor, and my eyes have been bothering me, so I had messaged her on facebook asking if she still worked there and that I wanted to get my eyes checked.  She told me to come on in.  This was all completely innocent, I didn't think there would be any feelings there, I mean seriously the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.  So I went in to see her last Friday, and of course she just looked as gorgeous as ever.  She looked very excited to see me, it had been at least a year and a half since we'd seen each other, maybe even two years.  So I get my eyes checked with the Doc, who is her best friend.  He's a goofball, older, with 3 kids.  I had met him when we dated, and even went out to dinner and a movie with him and S and his kids, so it was good to see him too.  S and I had some good laughs about how I still hated to have anything near my eyes, and she had to almost hold me down while she put drops in my eyes.  She also told me how her gf is extremely jealous of me and would probably kill her if she knew that I was coming in to the office.  Why??? I thought...  we haven't seen each other in a long time and we didn't even date that long to begin with, she replied that it was because I was pretty.  haha... ok... 

Anyway, I left there feeling light on my feet and happy to have caught up with an old friend, when she texts me.  "Off the record, you look beautiful.  Absolutely amazing.  On the record, it was really good to see you." Uh oh... trouble.  How is it that I was thinking the same thing about her?

Ok, let's not get ahead of ourselves.  She and I have since seen each other again yesterday for me to get the damn contacts for my eyeballs (my eyeballs do NOT like them at all haha), sweet talked each other A LOT but I would never feel ok about going behind her gf's back, and I know she's not the kind of person who would do anything to disrespect her partner, or me, or anyone for that matter.  So we both stopped it before it got to anything close that was out of hand.  But nevertheless, she did say some things to me that just made me feel so great.

Whether the relationship was good or not, a breakup always kinda feels like a bit of a blow to the ego.  This one did to me with no exceptions.  MJ had told me that I'm really sensitive, and that it didn't work because she isn't.  Well I'll be damned!  I've never heard that one before.  I've heard that from pretty much every girl I've been with, with just a couple small exceptions.  But S texted me yesterday after I left her office, and had just unloaded on her the details of MJ's and my breakup.  She said 'just so you know, you being sensitive is not a bad thing.  You will find someone like me that will love you for you and be happy with that part of you.  I just think that you're a great girl.  You have a lot going for you, ur beautiful and fun and you're not too sensitive.... There is nothing wrong with caring too much.  Don't let it change you.  Like I said, I love that part of someone and I can't be the only one that does.'  Ok so that was like 4 different texts that she sent, but I put them all together.  But it meant a lot, and of course I start crying as I'm driving down the road and my new contacts got dried out haha.  But it was nice.  She made me feel more special, and just flat out 'ok' with myself in that one conversation than in the entirety of mine and MJ's relationship.  So that definitely says something about what I had with MJ, it definitely wasn't as much as I'd been thinking it was.

And I know it can't go anywhere, I know she has a gf who she loves.  But it was just simply nice to hear that from someone who had actually been a personal witness to that side of me in a relationship, and didn't despise that side of me.  And I know I'm sensitive and emotional, but that's just who I am.  I'm not going to change!  So that makes accepting that side of myself a little easier, to hear that it's actually appreciated by someone else. 

So I'm ok.  Gonna be fine.  Again!

What a week.

I don't even really know where to start to be honest.  My mind is still spinning a little bit.  Just going over things that were said and agreeing with things and then disagreeing with other things, not that any of it matters at this point.

MJ and I are over.  She made the call last night.  I have to admit that I was somewhat expecting it, but I wasnt expecting it to happen when or how it did. 

We just had such a great weekend at the lake.  It was just the two of us.  It was relaxing and we also got a lot done.  I helped her with yard work for the better part of Saturday, mowing about 85% of the lawn while she blew the leaves out of the flower beds and used the weed wacker.  We went out for dinner that night, made a bonfire in the backyard when we got back, had cuddle time all weekend, and then layed out on the dock on the lake on Sunday.  It was just perfect, and then it was just over, just like that.  When we got back to the house sunday afternoon, it was time to take showers, then eat a late lunch, then clean up the house before hitting the road at 6.  This was the plan we'd come up with while planning out the rest of the day.  We take showers, one of us in each shower, then I pack my bags up and then head to the kitchen to make lunch.  She was already working on cleaning up her stuff and so i yelled through the house what she wanted me to make for her lunch.  I said I was going to have my leftovers from dinner the night before, and could make something else for her.  And there's the tone.  She is apparently pissed off thhat I'm not eating the pizza we had said we'd put in the oven and eat for lunch, we'd had the same thing the day before so I just wasn't in the mood for it again.  But I said I'd put it in the oven for her if she wanted it, or I could make something else for her.  She says no.  I ask what's wrong.  Nothing.  No really, what's wrong?  Nothing, just eat your lunch.  Out of nowhere, she's mad at me.  Well I'm starving, so I go ahead and heat up my food.  I then go into the den and turn the tv on while I eat, like we usually do.  I ask her again, is she sure that i can't make something for her.  No.  Ok then... 

I go on eating.  It's about 430 now.  I keep thinking she'll stop what she's doing back in the bedrooms and come and make herself something to eat and sit with me so we can spend some time together before we finish cleaning up.  Didnt happen.  She kept on cleaning.  I asked her again about food for her.  No, I'm not hungry.  Now I know she's lying, because she was the one who said we'd go back and eat lunch while we were at the lake.  So I clean up  my lunch mess, and go and finish packing my bags and see that she has already remade the bed after washing the sheets earlier in the day, which is something we usually do together.  Why didn't she tell me she was doing that?   I guess in her mind it was better to do it all herself and be the martyr.  To act like I was purposefully not helping her clean.  At 5, she yells across the house 'are you gonna start packing your car?'  when I'm thinking we still have another hour before we're leaving.  I tell her I can, and so I do.  When I go outside, I see that she's already got her dog strappped into her doggy seat in her truck.  I say 'are we leaving now?' she says yes, she's done cleaning and ready to go.  I'm just completely stumped.  What just happened in the past hour?  How do you go from having a really great weekend to letting something upset you that much to just erase everything else?  She comes over to my car and gives me a quick peck kiss, no hug, and walks over and gets in her truck.  I say through our opened windows...  why is this so weird?  we're not gonna see each other for two weeks, and she really wants to leave like this?  I just didn't get it.  She said she didnt wanna talk about it right now, but that if anything she was pissed off that I didn't help her clean.  She says I'm a grown woman and she shouldn't have to tell me what needs to be done.  I'm a little in shock at this point.  That she decided to talk to me like that, and that she was actually willing to just drive away and end our weekend over being upset over one small thing.  I sat there in my car in the driveway, just thinking she'll snap out of it and get out of her truck and come give me a hug and a real kiss, a real fucking goodbye, but it didn't happen.  She said that there was nothing that either one of us could say to change the situation, so she was just going to go, and she did just that.  She just pulled right out of the driveway and left me sitting there with my jaw hanging open. 

We talked a little on the way home, I called her pretty much as we were both driving out of the neighborhood, but there was no coming to an agreement or even just letting it go.  She just said she'd call me when she got home and needed to cool off.  I literally didn't even know how to react.  I just couldnt understand why she would leave that way, knowing that we wont be seeing each other for 2 weeks.  We had a great weekend.  There was never a bit of tension in the air until the last hour that we were there.  I still just don't get it.  Later that night, we talked and she pretty much said she was over it, so I just let the conversation go, even though I was still feeling uneasy about how she'd handled things.  But I needed time to process I guess.  I just didn't even know what tto do. 

Monday she was distant while she was at work.  I had a bad day, got in an arguement with my stepdad, then my mom, and pretty much just had one of those days where you feel like the world is caving in.  I still didn't know how to feel about things with MJ, and since I'm living with my parents right now it was just really uncomfortable being in my house.  I even texted MJ around 3 asking her if she was busy.  I hadn't heard from her in about 3 hours and she knew I was having a bad day from texts that morning.  She hadn't ever asked me if I was ok or tried to check on me in any way.  She then called me and asked me what was up.  I just said that I didn't really know what to say but that i felt like she was feeling like i was just quite the irritation to her.  It just struck me as odd that she hadn't seemed to care that I was having a bad day.  Her response was that we'd talk later, she couldnt get into it now, but that she didn't think she was acting any different than she usually did.  Yeah... right.  Thankfully I had some clients last night, so I went and did them and then came home and got on the treadmill for about an hour.  MJ was helping a friend move a grill with her truck, and she was out pretty late, so we didn't even catch up on the phone until close to 11pm.  She then sounded fine, told me about her night with her friend, and then asked about my day, and actually genuinely sounded concerned.  I told her everything that happened.  She then asked me about some other things, like if I'd heard from my lawyer about the old roommate situation.  Then we even made small talk, she was watching her dvr'd dancing with the stars, which I don't watch at all.  I said I was getting tired around midnight, and asked if I could go pee and call her back to say our goodnights.  I did, called her back, and after a bit more small talk, she comes out with 'well I know you've had a bad day, but I do think we need to talk.'

Ok...

She says "I just don't know if this is working for me anymore Kel."  She said it so matter of factly, and so out of nowhere, that i actually considered in my head that she might be joking.  But no, she wasn't. 

I don't even want to get into everything else that was said cuz it'll just make me upset again at this point, but yeah, it's over.  In the end, i agree that we're probably just not right for each other.  At times, it did feel like I was hanging out more with a buddy than with my gf.  And after her startling exit on sunday, I was already expecting this to happen.  But it still sucks either way.  So in the end she's saying she wants to stay friends, and that she knows that I'm not prone to do that, but that she wants me to try to be open minded about it.  I just don't know at this point. 

When all is said and done...  I just feel a bit used.  For quite a few different reasons too.  Just looking back on things, you never realize how much you readily sacrifice for someone until you find out it was all for nothing.  I'm having bouts of anger and sadness, going back and forth with them.  But i'll be fine. 

I'll be fine.

I'll tell ya what...

...I just don't know anymore. 

about a lot of things.

There are a lot of "I don't knows" in my head right now.  I just don't know. 

I'm gonna go run on the treadmill.  I don't know if it's aggression or hopelessness that's in me, but it needs to get out.

And even more cute-the response

make sure you watch the video below this one first... this is the response.  So hilarious!

Taylor the Latte Boy

This is one of the cutest things I've ever seen. 

Crazy Roommate #84

I'm not really sure why I have had so many crazy roommates, but this past one TAKES THE FUCKING CAKE. 

Guess what I got SERVED with today?  She is suing me for almost $700 for 'unpaid utilities, late fees, damaged equipment (by the way, she spelled it equiptment), storage fees, and cleaning fees.'  I think I got them all, the paper is in the other room, I'm reciting her 'list' from memory.  Oh.  My.  God. 

This woman has absolutely no grounds at all.  I lived with her for 3 months.  She took my money that I paid her for rent and for utilities, and then spent it all on bingo and would be asking her tenants for our rent and utility money early because she hadn't used it to pay the bills.  I woke up to there being no power one morning, no internet another morning, no cable tv for over 3 weeks... and there was always an excuse.  "They messed up my bill again!"  Yeah right.. like that happens to one person countless times, and from every single company that you have to pay.  On top of that, she was a nightmare to live with.  At first I just thought she was quirky, a little weird but full of energy.  Then there was that time that I had to call 911 to come take her unconscious ass to the hospital after downing two bottles of that christmas egg nog that's premixed with rum or something.  Yes, I did say TWO BOTTLES.  Then there was that time that I had a full day of clients the next day, which was a Tuesday, and her daughter comes home from college and decides to throw a party at our house that lasted until 430am, with nothing but kids who weren't even close to being of the legal drinking age.  When I complained to my roommate about it, she lunged at me and started screaming that I need to stop being selfish and that she wants her daughter to have a good time.  She was actually raising her arms as if to hit me but her darling boyfriend held her back.  Yeah.  Precious.  Then there was that time that I had bought myself a full grocery load and then unexpectedly had to go outta town to help my grandmother move and when I came home all of my groceries were gone.  I'm talking down to the last egg.  All gone.  Nothing was replaced, even though I made it known that I was upset about it, and that I didn't eat their food without asking.  All of this in 3 months people.  3 fucking months. 

The last straw was waking up to having absolutely no power and having to take a freezing cold shower in a pitch black bathroom before going to work.  The next day, I moved out.  I didn't owe her a thing.  I had never signed a lease with her, I had never signed anything with her.  I moved back in with my mother for the first time since I was 18.  That's desperation! 

So now she is suing me.  I have absolutely no idea why she thinks that she is actually going to get a cent from me.  I have a lawyer, and she is well aware of that.  Hell, I sell Prepaid Legal!  (another one of my many ways of making money lol, my stepdad does it and got me into it)  So yeah, I called my lawyer today, and told him about it.  I faxed him the paperwork and he'll be giving me a call back in a couple days.  She, on the other hand, doesn't have a lawyer, she doesn't have any grounds for these accusations, it's really all just ridiculous.  When I told my mom about it, she burst out laughing.  Lord...  some people.

not a real post... just a gripe.

Ok so on my blog page is says that I have 12 followers.  On my dashboard page it says that I have 13.  It really annoys me to know that someone is anonymously following me.  Show yourself!  haha.  no really.  do it.

real post later tonight.  You wouldn't BELIEVE what happened to me today.

Wondering...

I'm wondering if I'm just freaking out because it's in me to do that, or if this is actually meaning something...

Something doesn't feel right.  I've been feeling something slightly uneasy since she told me that we needed to take a step back.  I respected her for saying so, but it feels like it also took some of the excitement out of it. 

Why does every new thing in life end up feeling like a new experiment?  I've been trying to cover up these uneasy feelings since that incident, and just enjoying the good things about us, but it seems like these feelings are coming to the surface again.  I'm just so scared to make a wrong decision, and it scares me that I feel like I can't trust my own judgement right now, because I'm still in it.  Yes, I know this is kinda heavy talk for someone I've only been dating for 2 months, and maybe I should just ignore all this, but I just still feel like I'm searching for something. 

I'll be 26 next month.  I know I'm not supposed to have all of the answers right now, but it'd be nice to have a couple.  At least my business seems to be picking up right now.  I'm feeling like maybe I should just concentrate on that, on bettering myself right now, of making something of myself, getting stable.  That is very important to me, and I'd probably start to feel a lot better about myself.  I recently sent out a promotion flyer to all of my clients, and it's definitely been working.  I've been getting phone calls everyday to make new appointments.  I sent them a flyer saying that I'd give them a 25% discount if they're able to refer one new client to me before the end of April.  I even made up these cute little coupons that my clients can hand out to the people they're refering, they just have to write their name on it as the referring client.  It's been exciting to see how many of my clients have called to tell me that I'll be hearing from their friends/coworkers/family members, and it's been a reminder for them too, to book their next appt with me, so I'm filling up faster than I ever have before.  Go me!  It was a good idea.  Even if it means I'm promoting myself in a town where I don't want to be.  I am creating a business there, sinking my roots in even deeper, but that's ok.  It's my only option right now.

I don't think I even wrote in here my big offer.  I have this client, Sandra.  I have been doing her hair for almost 3 years, and we've gotten to be good friends outside of just her hairdos.  She's in her late 30s, and she owns a couple businesses.  I've partied hard with her, confided in her about my ridiculous relationships, we've done fundraisers together, and she has become somewhat of a mentor in my life.  She's always been very supportive of me, she's purchased a couple of my paintings and has always been willing to lend a helping hand when I've been lost and in need of some kind words.  I've done the same for her, and seen her through a couple silly girlfriends.  I absolutely love her current lady, and have become close with her as well.  I do both of their hairdos, and now do the gf's kids' hairs too.  Anyway, the last time I did their hair, after a couple cocktails in S's kitchen, they sat me down and told me that they have been doing a lot of thinking.  Sandra absolutely loves the business world, and has been 'itching' to open up a new one.  She and her gf 'Little One' came up with the idea of opening up a salon, and they want me to run it.  Neither one of them know anything about the salon industry, but they believe in me and my talent, and think it would be a fun adventure.  They know that I don't have any money to put into the business, and they're not asking for anything.  They said that I would be able to take home 100% of my profits in return for being their manager.  I would be able to hire whoever I wanted, use whatever products I wanted, basically make all the decisions, and they would handle all on the business end.  Can you imagine someone just laying that opportunity at your feet?

They offered me this about a month after MJ and I started talking.  I did some thinking about it, talked to MJ about it, talked to both of my parents about it, and came to the conclusion that I didn't want to take this offer because of the fact that I didn't want to get tied down in that area.  I'll admit that one of the bigger factors was also that I knew MJ wouldn't be able to move to my city based on her job.  So I didn't want to be tied there, and she couldn't move there.  I'm now wondering if I should reconsider.  It now sounds like an awful lot to pass up at this point.  I may be open to rethinking that decision.  I'm going to think about it for a while.  It could be just the thing that I need to make me feel great right now.  MJ was supportive of the idea when it was offered to me.  She said that if we're meant to be then we'll make it work.  Maybe I need to just do it.  How many times is an offer like that going to pop up in my life?

Oh geez... here I go again.  Thinking thinking thinking.

Feelings Again

Maybe I've been sitting here too long with too much time to think and maybe I'm just bored and lonely and feeling a little idle but who knows.  These are just thoughts.  Just explorations.  Just  me being me I guess.

But anyway, we have a small predicament.  Adalie, the cat.  She is apparently keeping MJ up all night.  She is apparently a little too crazy for MJ to take care of being that she already has a dog and that she lives alone, and that Adalie is extremely desperate for attention at any given time in the day.  So, ok.  That's fine.  I appreciated that MJ offered to take in my cat for me since I'm not able to keep her at my mom's house where I'm living right now.  So I've been looking for a new place for her to stay, which is just disheartening as it is.  I feel sorry for this cat who is being shipped around because i'm unable to care for her myself.  I feel bad for asking anyone to take in my responsibility to their own home.  It makes me feel sick actually, I don't like having anyone take on any extra weight for me.  But anyway, my friends A and B who are a couple had said that they would be happy to take her in, just as long as she gets along with their own brand new kitten that they've had for only 2 weeks, but who is very close in age with my kitty Adalie.  So I'm planning on taking her to their house tomorrow when I leave MJ's house (I've been here for the past couple days babysitting the animals while she's away on business).  I get a text tonight that B has just taken A to the ER because she's been really sick and the doctor is saying that she is so allergic to cats that he is insisting that they get rid of their new cat.  So they can't very well take in another one! 

So here I am, between a rock and a hard place.  MJ is thinking that the cat is gonna be gone by the time she gets home, so I text her letting her know what's going on, and ask if she has any ideas, and if not that I'm just planning on trying to find the cat a new permanent home.  It's just too much right now, and I can't take care of her and it's making me feel like shit for the cat to be moved around so much and I really don't want to have to ask anyone else to babysit for however long until I'm able to take her in again.  I don't know how long I'm going to be at my mom's house at this point. 

Anyway, when MJ calls me, she just sounds so irritated.  It's like, I already know that I have put this burden on her, and I'm doing all I can to take care of it, but she just has no problem letting me know that she just 'doesn't want to keep my cat anymore.'  Ugh.  I just feel like she could have tried to make it a little easier on me and maybe just shown a little sensitivity towards the fact that not only is this hard for me to know that I have to give up my cat, but that I also have to figure out what I'm going to do with her.  She just didn't seem to want to make me feel the least bit ok about it, and I have to admit that it bothers me. 

I'm trying to look at this objectively and it's making me think that maybe this could prove to be a difficulty in the future for us.  I know that I want to be in a supportive relationship, where the support is just oozing from both sides for the other.  And i just know that if I had been in her shoes, I would have said "that's ok baby, I'll keep her until you can find her another home, I understand that it's not your fault."  I just don't really understand why she had to make me feel worse about it.  And maybe she wasn't trying to, but there just wasn't an ounce of sensitivity about the subject at hand.  I just don't know...  but I do know that it bothers me.

All I know is that I'm taking everything in strides, and doing my best to not get sucked into this if it happens to not be right.  I'm not going to write everything off, because after all.. this is still our 'getting to know each other' phase and it might jsut be that I'm not understanding her yet, or that she's not understanding me and my needs.  There are definitely still more positives than negatives, so I'm just gonna calm down and take a seat and see how it all plays out with an open mind.

New website!

Instead of writing in my blog like I should have been, and I always feel guilty when I don't (why I wonder?), I made myself a new website that has all of my art information and my hair information.  Go check it out! 

http://makeitartsy.com/   

Let me know what ya'll think and if there are any things you would change or just do differently.  Thanks! 

Update post coming soon...  I really just need to make the time to sit down and blog again, on an actual usual basis.  I loved it when I did!

ok so this is me just scaring myself.

Well maybe not...  but I am scared just the same. 

I'm finding myself fall into old habits.  This particular habit was created in me by being in bad relationships that made me feel bad about myself.  But basically I'm finding that I'm constantly thinking about how scared I am that MJ is just going to walk away unexpectedly.  When I think about it logically, I don't think that she will, and I know that she is different and that she is actually someone I can be honest with, someone I can trust.  But just the same, it's creating this insecurity in me, which I'm sure is making its way to the surface, and could very easily turn me into this annoying and smothering girlfriend.  I don't really know how to shake this feeling, and I'm trying hard not to freak out.  I don't really know why this is even happening, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking that it's too good to be true and that this good thing won't last, simply just because i actually want it to.  I'm hoping that this feeling will go away and that with time I'll feel more comfortable with her, and be able to trust in us more. 

She hasn't done anything to make me feel like I can't trust her when she says she wants to be with me, so why is it that I'm feeling so insecure about it?  So far, I've been the one with the issues.  I've been the one that's scared.  I've been the one that she has had to reassure, sometimes repeatedly over the same topics.  I am really scared that my own insecurities about her leaving will be what leads to her actually leaving..  like I'm scared that I'm going to sabatage myself somehow.  I'm just scared that she's gonna get tired of reassuring me, and at this point I still feel like I need the reassurance sometimes.  How in the hell do I get out of this cycle?  I feel like it's the first time I've actually believed in someone else this much, so that's why I'm even that much more scared of losing it, and why I'm freaking out. 

Earlier this week, I had mentioned that we had a long talk til 4 in the morning.  During that convo, she expressed for the first time that she had freaked about something.  When I say she freaked about something, it was so minor and minuscule, and her reaction to it wasn't exactly 'freaking' as mine usually are, she is so calm and so the opposite of my crazy self.  But she did express that there was something that needed to be talked about, and so we talked about it.  She was calm, got right to the point, and knew exactly what it was that she wanted to say and express to me.  It was actually nice, like I said, that she came to me with the issue, and it was worked out.  So all in all, we talked it out, and it was refreshing to be able to say exactly what we're thinking without being scared of what the other person was thinking.  It wasn't weird the next day.  It was fine.  Yet I still have this voice in the back of my head. 

Another thing I'm thinking about is that I'm wondering if I've gotten this from my mother, or just from my past relationships.  MJ and I actually talked about this too.  But basically my mom is very happily married now and has been for 4 years.  But even in this happy marriage, as she was in all of her other fucked up relationships, she is scared to death to upset her partner.  At times it seems like she is walking on eggshells in her own house just scared to do anything or say anything that might upset him.  It is something that I've always noticed about her, and something that I've actually talked over with her too, about how I don't think she should be that way.  Her husband loves her very much, and so I feel that she shouldn't feel so scared to upset him.  She should feel comfortable enough in her relationship with him to be able to just be herself.  I don't want it to sound like she is always this scared little woman, because she's definitely not, but it's just at some points where it is very apparent and it bothers me.  And it is the very behavior in her that I feel I am now doing myself, in a way.  Just because MJ and I talked about her first ever 'issue' with us, I am scared to pieces for there to be another one, or for that same one to be repeated.  I don't want her to ever look at me and feel the least bit of dissappointment.  And YES I realize that she and i are still so new and that I'm being a tadbit dramatic, but DAMNIT.  I don't know how to turn my mind off either, or how to even set it to 'mild' instead of 'extreme'.  My mind just goes.  and I mean... IT GOES.  on and on and on.  It wanders and ends up making me worry about things that haven't even happened. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say after all of this is that I'm just scared.  All I want is to start a life with her, but I find myself wanting to make things happen too immediately because of my fear of seeing her walk away.  I'm not crazy, and I'm not wanting to control her or tie her down.  I'm trying to think about this as logically and objectively as possible.  I don't know how to just let things naturally happen without having this voice in the back of my head saying that I need to hold on tight or it'll slip away.  I wonder if any of this even makes any sense to any of you. 

Comments would be GREATLY appreciated in this matter.  I'd really like to hear some feedback.

Maybe I'll title this later, after I figure out what I'm writing about.

MJ's asleep in her room 20 ft away from me, and I'm needing my sleep schedule to sync with hers!  But for now I'll write, and reflect on this past weekend and week. 

Since moving back in with my mom, I had to find a temporary home for my kitty baby Adalie elsewhere, at a good friend's house, until I was able to take her back again.  Well MJ said that she'd be happy to go ahead and move her up to her house, so we made that move last weekend.  The 4 hour drive here actually was fine, I had been worried that she wouldn't be able to calm down since she doesn't like car rides.  I gave her a teensy bit of children's benadryl to calm her down before the ride, and it worked like a charm for about 2 hours.  As soon as it wore off, she happened to hear me talking to MJ on the phone and she started meowing like crazy.  I stuck my hand in her kitty carrier and she charged out of there, and plopped herself down right on my lap.  She had no interest in roaming around the car, she just wanted to be near me.  It was so cute, she layed there still and fell asleep for a good hour and a half.  When we got to MJ's, she explored the place for a while, and started loving on MJ right from the start.  She had two days being the only pet in the house, MJ's mom had her dog for the weekend, but brought her home sunday night.  Yeah...  they're still in the process of getting used to each other lol.  Her dog Haley chases Adalie around, so it's slow going for them to actually be calm around each other, but it's getting a little better everyday.  I'm so happy she's here though :-).

Last night MJ and I were up til about 4am.  We went to bed around 11 actually, but we had a really long, really important talk.  We got everything out about things that were 'bothering' us (so to speak), but more or less just wanting to be on the same page about us and where we're headed and stuff like that.  There's actually not really anything that is an actual bother, but more of just the adjustment period i guess.  But I'm just so happy that we're able to talk about things.  Of course there is still a lot that we're learning about each other, but I've just never been in a relationship where there was so much respect for each other coming from both sides.  It's just so refreshing on a daily basis, and I'm still amazed at how easily and naturally it's all happening.  I'm really jsut so happy with her, and with the idea of the life we could have together.  I'll admit, she's definitely being the more responsible one with us, and she's keeping me grounded, and I appreciate that.  She's 7 years older than me (which is something I joke her for relentlessly haha), so at this point I'm happy just letting her take the reins and lead us, and I know I'll get my way in the end, which is to just be happy with someone.  I really think she could be the one, and if she isn't, then I'll be crushed, but happy to know that I've at least found it is that I've been looking for.  It's just flat out nice to have faith again.  And of course, the amazing sex doesn't hurt none either ;-)

We decided I should stay the week this week, since Adalie is here for the first time, and I scheduled my appointments at home to not start until Thursday evening.  I've been exploring the area on my own the past couple days while MJ is at work.  I've found the cutest little coffee shop, and the girl at the counter was so sweet, with red hair and purple eye shadow.  She could for sure be my new best friend and I could for sure work in that cute little coffee shop if I move here hehe.  MJ chuckled as I told her of my findings when she got home. 

Sweet dreams everyone, I'm gonna go lay with my honey.

under construction

I apologize for my blog changing colors and backgrounds like 80 times...  but I get bored with it and want to change it lol.  So it's a work in progress...  hopefully it'll be all put together soon.  Sorry!

Well hello again!

My goodness...  so much to catch up on.  I met a lady.  My dad had heart surgery, well kind of.  I moved back in with my mom for the first time in 7 years to save up some money.  I might be moving soon, like awayyy from this town, and I'm really excited about it.  I don't even know where to begin.  But I guess I always feel overwhelmed after I've been away for a while!  And!  I got yelled at for not blogging over lunch last weekend in DC lol.  It's partly because my computer isnt working right now and I hate having to use my mom's desktop, so I'm hardly on the computer these days.  But that's just an excuse lol ;-)

Lady MJ.

MJ and I have been talking close to 2 months I'd say.    She lives about 4 hours away from me near Baltimore, that is when we're lucky and we don't get stuck in the nasty DC traffic.  She's already met my mom, and I met her parents and about 30 of her relatives just this past weekend at a going away party for her parents (they're moving to London in a couple weeks).  It was a little overwhelming, but it was a good time, and I apparently handled it well and was less nervous that she thought I woulda been.

I moved back in with my mom, it's temporary, and it's definitely helping me to save up some money. 
My dad went in for a heart cath, and they found that he had another 100% blockage in his heart, but that his heart had naturally made a bypass around the blockage already.  It's crazy what our bodies are capable of.  The good news is that it can't get any worse because it's already blocked 100%.  It causes his mild chest pain from time to time, but he says that it's only about a 2 on a scale from 1 to 10 so he can deal.  They've uped his medication for now, and are going to be re-evaluating his in a couple months to see how it's doing.  So, for now, this is good news.

Ok I'm about to run out to do another client.  But this is enough for now to update this blog lol.  I need to get my computer fixed so that I can just keep this up!

2012... omg.

Ok has anyone been watching Armagedon week on the history channel this week?  It's like a bad car accident, I don't want to look at it but I have to... I simply can't make myself not watch it.  Omg it's freaking me out.  It just keeps talking about all the different ways the world could end in 2012.  I mean they are talking about everything from giant meteors to super volcanoes to talking about how the sun will be directly at the center of our universe which will dramatically change our orbit and all this crazy stuff. 

I personally believe it's all a bunch of hype, or at least I'm telling myself that everytime my heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest thinking that it could all actually be over soon.  But they're talking so much about Nostradamus and his predictions and prophecies, and they keep reciting so many of his different Quatrains (his book of prophecies).  They talk about how he predicted so many different things, starting with the death of the king during his life time, and even things lik the JFK shooting and Clinton's adultery.  They of course have said that he predicted 9/11.  But don't you think that if these predictions were actually already there plain as day that we would have done something about it in advance?  That's just where I think it's all a hoax of some sort.  People read up on his predictions and then after an event happens, they compare his words to what happened, and a lot of it really could have been talking about anything.  Nothing is ever clear, and further more the date in 2012 doesn't ever appear in his writings.  I think that people as a whole are just looking to believe in something that is beyond their own understanding.  That's not to say that something couldn't happen, but I just think that they're making a bigger deal over this than their maybe needs to be. 

If ya'll have been watching these shows, you'd know what I'm talking about.  It all just seems to be so much for shock value.  I mean they are going all out, thinking up every possible scenario that could damage or extinguish our earth.  Of course all of these things could happen, most of them already have happened hundreds of thousands of years ago. 

I'm not at all saying that because I don't fully believe it that it can't be real, but I just think people listen too much without thinking on their own.  It just all seems to be so dramatic.  It all is very interesting to watch, and I'm definitely interested to hear new developments on the whole doomsday issue, but there's just still this big voice in my head saying...  Come on!  Calm down, take a seat. 

What do you all think about it all?

I'm excited.

So after reading Tanya's post at Learning to Live as Love, it got me thinking about how I really don't have that many lesbian friends.  And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I would really like to change that.  Most of my friends are straight, and I love them, but it really is different when you have a friend who is the same sexuality as you are.  I'm not ungrateful for the friends I do have, but still, it's just different. 

I have had reservations about trying to make friends within the lesbian community around here.  Of course, the obvious place that you think of to meet lesbians is the local lesbian bars.  I haven't had the greatest experiences there.  I've been to two different bars, two times each, and I just never really felt comfortable there.  I've always been shy, must worse when I was younger, but still shy now none the less, and I don't talk to strangers very easily.  Mostly all of the ladies there seemed to already know each other, and it seemed to be a lot of drama going around...  I don't know, I just didn't feel like I fit in.  I've never really been a bar person, and since I don't have that many lesbian friends, I don't have anyone to go with... etc.  Plus I have absolutely no game lol...  I'm too shy for that.  Yes of course alcohol helps with feeling like you have game, but still.  I'm just shy I guess.  The whole scene just felt too intimidating to me. 

So I remembered a long time ago someone mentioning meetup.com, so i decided to go on there and look up local lesbian groups.  I found a huge one, over 500 members that are all in the area, and they do a lot of social gatherings.  I looked through their pictures from past meet ups and they just all look really nice.  So I signed up!  I'm nervous about it, but I'm just make myself go and keep a smile on my face. 

I'm just really in the mood to LIVE lately.  I want to broaden my horizons as much as I can.  I feel like I'm just missing out on so much just because I've let myself keep up these barriers.  Not really barriers, as much as...  well I don't even know what I'm trying to get at here.  But since I'm a hairstylist, it has forced me to have to talk with strangers one on one all the time, when I'm with clients.  So that has definitely helped me get over some of my scaredycat-shyness issues.  But yeah.  I just want to meet new people and learn new things and experience things that I was always too scared to do before (yes I'm still talking about how I was scared to talk to strangers haha).  Anyway, I'm excited about trying something new, and maybe making some new friends.  Has anyone ever tried the meetup.com things in their area?  What are your thoughts?

The ongoing battle.

So my sister and I haven't been getting along at all.  She's younger than me, she's just turned 22 last October.  We actually haven't ever really gotten along, not as much as I would have liked.  When we were young, she always annoyed me.  She would always get me in trouble with mom for not including her in things, typical little sister stuff, I guess that's pretty common.  But as we've gotten older, she still has the 'baby of the family' mentality, and my parents are continuing to baby her.  My dad especially. 

But anyway, she's making a lot of really bad decisions with her life.  She's just continuing to be extremely irresponsible with her life in so many different ways.  She's lying to everything and just telling anyone who will listen exactly what they need to hear to 'take her side' and make her feel better about what she's doing.  It's become such a downward spiral, and no one even knows what to do anymore to help her to just grow up and start taking some responsibility.  She expects my parents and me to just pick up her pieces and isn't ever even grateful for us doing something for her.  For example, she parked her car in a resident's parking spot at her new apartment before she had the sticker on her car.  There was a guest parking spot about 5 spots down, but she didn't want to have to walk that far.  So of course, her car got towed overnight, and guess who had to pay for it?  I did, $125 that she just fully expected me to just hand over.  She demanded it by saying that she needed it that day or the next day it would be an additional $125.  I told her she needed to ask dad for the money, and she said she was scared to call him because he was already mad at her.  I asked her why, and she said because her license is suspended.  That's just to start. 

When her boyfriend drover her to my house to pick up the money (which she was highly pissed off that I couldn't bring it to her, didn't matter that I had a client on her way to my house) she burst in the front door and started yelling "Kelly!  I need the money, hurry up!  And I left my coat here last time, get my coat!"  I was mortified, since everyone in the house heard her.  She's so rude and demanding and she didn't even say thank you when I handed her the money.  I'm just so over her rudeness. 

Anyway, Christmas rolls around, and we make nice in front of our relatives, and even had a good time.  Well she was flashing her camera all night and she took a bunch of pictures of all of us, cousins and so on.  Well, a few of the pictures that she took of me, well they were really bad.  Really bad angles or lighting... and I told her to delete them.  Well instead of deleting them, she posted them all on facebook and tagged me in them.  When I saw them, I was almost in tears.  I'm not overly self conscious, but I'm not too excited about my body right now, and it's like these pictures made me look even 10 times worse than I actually look, and she knew it too.  So I untagged myself, and wrote her a short and sweet email saying 'ok, no more tagging me in pictures on facebook unless I ok it first.  Some of those pics were really horrible and you should know which ones I'd want posted on here.  thank you.'  Her reply:  Well Kelly, by now you might know that I don't give a shit.  

I don't even know why it's gotten so bad between us, and why she thinks that it's ok to talk to anyone like that, much less her own sister, the person that has always been there for her.  I've gotten her out of so many problems, I even got her a job at my salon about a year ago, which turned out to be a horribly embarrassing fiasco for me.  She didn't last 2 days. 

So now my mom is wanting us to have a family meeting or something.  I'm pretty much to the point where I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore, but I've agreed to have a sit down with her and my mom and my cousin to see what is going on with her.  But this will be my last attempt at trying to have an actual relationship with her, after this it'll be up to her to come to me and try to smooth things over.  I just think that it's ridiculous that it's coming to this, when I haven't done anything but help her, and she just acts like I'm the enemy.  Not sure yet when we're having the meeting, but I'm sure I'll have much to write about when it happens. 

My friend.

I have a friend, J, who is just amazing. 

I met her about a year and a half ago.  Our first meeting was actually a coffee date at a Barnes and Noble.  It was obvious to me when I first met her that she was something special, even if she didn't know it.  We became quick friends, and right away I knew I'd made a great friend that I'd always be able to lean on or count on.  She helped me get through quite a few crying fits over the crazy ex's.  She always had something constructive to say, and somehow I always felt so much more at ease after just one talk with her.  She's also a single mother of one little adorable boy, who is her world.  You should see his smile!  He's so full of life, just like his mother. 

We've slightly fallen out of touch in the past few months, other than read each other's blogs from time to time, but I've just found out that she's going through a really rough time, and I just want her to know:  J, I think the world of you.  You are a wonderful person, friend, mother, and good things are coming to you.  Everything happens for a reason, and you have to just look back on it as lessons learned and be grateful for everything that you still have going for you (a lot!!!!!).  I'll always be there for you as you were for me, and I can't wait to rekindle our friendship.  J!  You are awesome and I'm presenting you with these two awards that I picked out just for you. 

Post them on your blog and feel free to pass them on!

J, you're amazing, and don't you forget that.

Happy New Year! Part 1-The Girl

I always wait too long to update... and in my mind I'm listing all of these things that I want to write about and I never get around to doing it until it's just so much that I end up writing novels.  I do apologize if it annoys any of my readers lol.  But for the holiday posts, I'll break it up into different posts.  This first one is about the girl, and then we'll move on into Christmas in the next one. 

The girl, C.  What a sweetheart.  She lives 4 hours north of me, and we'd been talking for the better part of December.  I believe I've already mentioned her in my last post.  So we made plans to meet up for the first time on the weekend right after Christmas.  I went up to see her, and she got a hotel for 2 nights.  She totally treated me the whole weekend, paid for all of our meals and outtings, and I actually had to fight her off when I insisted on paying for the movie we went to see, and the popcorn and goodies.  She was very nice, and I felt comfortable around her pretty instantly.  She was pretty shy, but slowly was able to open up throughout the weekend.  I left Monday to come home, and something changed in her from that instant on.  She seemed to get very depressed and stressed out, pretty much out of no where.  Tuesday morning started it off, first it was that everyone was fighting at work, then it was that her best friend Mike was probably going to be mad at her for coming to see me for new years, then it was some misunderstanding between the two of us about how long she'd be staying for new years weekend here at my place, and how she needed time to herself to get some stuff done, which I was fine with, but then she just seemed to get totally stressed out about the fact that she was having to explain herself and didn't want me to think that she was making up excuses and etc.  It was just a lot of 'woah' out of no where.  So I did my best to try to smooth things over and put a smile on her face, and get her excited about coming to see me for new years. 

I plan on having my best friend and her boyfriend over, and C was gonna drive straight here from work, planning on being here by 10pm on New Years Eve.  I'm making a big dinner, with homemade pesto alfredo pasta, roasted chicken, sauted green beans, and even brownie sundays for dessert.  I love cooking for people.  Anyway, best friend and her boyfriend got here around 9, we had a couple beers and I finished cooking everything, and C got here a little after 10.  She was all huffy puffy when she got here, carrying her bags up to my room, she just already seemed annoyed or tired or something.  I tried to just ignore it, and went back into the kitchen.  She came in and I made the introductions around the room, and then she started making drinks for herself and me.  We had cosmo mix and vodka and peach shnapps leftover from the previous weekend, so she made drinks with that.  Well...  she ended up drinking way too much way too fast, and was pretty much hanging all over me all night.  We were playing cards after dinner, up until the ball dropped, and she grabbed the cards at one point and started trying to do card tricks, that inevitably kept coming up wrong.  She ended up getting mad at the cards...  and the whole night just went downhill from there.  Midnight rolls around, and she lays one on me... a big juicy one, and just kept at it even when I tried to pull away... she ended up falling over on me, and then complaining that my best friend and her boyfriend were getting a 'real kiss' and insisting that I kiss her more.  It was just so over the top.  Bestie kept looking at me like... what's wrong with her?  and I was just so embarrassed for her.  I don't know if she'd just had a bad week or if she was nervous about meeting my friends or what, but she just got so trashed really fast and I didn't even know how to control her haha.  We ended up just going to bed around 1 after I cleaned up and Bestie left, and she started crying when I didn't want to..uh...  ya know...  and she rolled over and passed out.  She was just so drunk and I knew I just couldn't do that, she probably wouldn't have remembered anyway.  The next day, she slept until 4 in the afternoon in my bed, and got up at 3 different times to throw up.  Yeah, quite a new years haha.  When she finally did get up, I was just sitting downstairs watching tv with my roommate, and she came down here smelling like death and wanted to cuddle up to me on the couch.  This is only my second time hanging out with her, and I felt so bad but I just couldn't help but be annoyed, for lack of a less harsh word.  But do you know what I mean?  I mean I'm not a mean person, but come on.  So I sent her upstairs to shower, saying it'd make her feel better.  After she came back down, I suggested we go get something to eat, just to get outta the house, and we ended up just going to ihop after driving around for a good 20 minutes and me offering different places as choices to eat and everytime she'd say 'just whatever you want is fine.'  That's another thing that I've realized I can't deal with, I don't want to always be the one who makes all of the decisions in a relationship.  I don't want to feel like I always have to take the lead just because she's too scared to have an opinion that might not be agreeable to me.  Sidenote, sorry.  So at dinner, she's basically just sitting in silence, hasn't smiled at all since she woke up, and I'm doing all I can to lighten the mood and try to slice away some of the awkwardness that she's just laying on so thick.  It finally comes down to me having to say, 'Ok babe, what is it.  What's wrong?'  and she can't even look at me but she says she's sad because she's feeling distant from me and has no idea why I'm acting like I want to have nothing to do with her.  I literally had to steer the conversation away from that topic because I was scared that she was going to have a breakdown right in the middle of ihop.  The conversation is just somewhat of a fog now, but I had to explain to her that I don't know what has happened but that she's not the same bubbly girl that I originally started talking to, and that I'd love to help her figure out why, but that I was wondering if maybe I just don't bring out the best in her, or maybe she just has too much on her plate right now, or maybe she's just not really ready to start something new yet, still hanging on too tightly to her previous heartaches.  Anyway, long story short, we ended up saying we'd shoot for a friendship at this point, and she ended up just packing her bags and going home when we got back from ihop.  I felt horrible, because she broke down as I tried to talk her into staying at least til morning because I didn't want her driving home for 4 hours while being so upset..  but she just couldn't shake it.  I did everything I could to try to calm her down, I said we could even just stay in and watch movies all night, no pressure, but everything I said just seemed to upset her more.  She left, and thankfully got home safely. 

I wrote her a pretty lengthy email over facebook saying how sorry I was and how I'd never meant to hurt her and all this stuff, and as I was writing it, I was realizing more and more things about what I need from a partner.  Speaking of which, I guess it just goes with the territory of being picky and actually looking for a soulmate instead of someone to just pass the time with, but I'm getting tired of everyone that I've been dating just being one more lesson of something that I don't want.  But anyway, I realized that as much as I need someone who's sweet, I need someone with a strong personality as well.  I feel that I am both of those things as well, but I need someone who's even stronger willed than I am maybe.  Of course this is all just brainstorming and more or less 'talking to myself' haha.  But as sweet as she started off to be, I couldn't handle being with someone who was more whiney than I am.  Sooooooo... such is life, and I'm right back to where I started, dragging with me now a little guilt for hurting her, and a little more knowledge of what I'll be looking for in the future.  Not how I expected my new years to go, but one can only be hopeful for the future.