I love awards.

Don't ask me why! 

I do believe that this is actually my 4th blog.  I have changed blogs so many times haha.  I had gotten quite a few awards in my first blog, couple in my second, but didn't want to take any with me to my latest one.  So thisssss is my kinda sorta my first one here.  Yeah it was given to every one of her followers by I'm No Miss but that's ok.  I'm taking it, just like she said. 

yayyyy. 

I want to pass this award along to a few of my favorites, and for those who have really been there (even if only in my lovely blogger world) for me while I'm having my crazy days haha.  I really appreciate all of the helpful comments, even if it's not always what I want to hear!

1. Miss Squirty B-I love you to pieces and I miss you and I wanna hang out soon and thank you for being there for me and always making me feel better.  You are truly a great friend.

2. Mel's Way-Thank you for all of your comments, I don't know you very well but for some reason you really do always know what to say to make me feel better!  And I love your blog!  And I know you already have this award, but now you have it twice :)

3. Emily's Last Word-she's my new favorite follower and she looks so familiar to me but I can't figure out why, but I love her blog so here ya go!

4. To any one of my other followers.  I know my last few posts have seemed a bit crazy and dramatic, but in times like these, it's comforting to know that someone out there is listening.  Thank you all!

Better days.

Here's to having a better day!  I'm in a much better mood today.  I'm well aware that it could be gone just as quickly tomorrow, but my good mood is here right now so I think that calls for a celebration. 

MJ is on a trip to Washington to see some relatives, and although she doesn't live next door to me at all, it feels good to have even more distance between us.  I know it's not needed, but maybe it's just in my mind and it seems to be working.  She had texted saying that she wouldn't be able to talk much while she's there, and it actually made me feel so much better.  I told her this is probably a good time for me to get my head back on straight, and told her to have a good time.  She's gonna be there for a week.  She's gonna be busy with her family for a week.  I'm sure I'll hear from her a little bit here and there, but for this next week, I think it's gonna be my time to find my own peace again. 

I had written about how I was supposed to be going up to her this past week, to be her nurse while she had surgery.  I went on Thursday, her surgery was friday.  I took care of her.  I took really really good care of her.  I ran her errands, and walked her dog.  I did everything I could to make her as comfortable as possible.  I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours while she was having the procedure, by myself.  I dressed her before it was time to go home.  I layed in bed next to her while she slept after the procedure, dozed off myself a couple of times, but just wanted to be there close to her in case she needed anything.  I rubbed her back, and even got her a big bag of her favorite candies for when she was feeling better.  I had to leave that night, because I had 7 prom hairdos starting at 1030 the next morning, but I stayed with her late enough that I didn't even get home until 2am, just because I was so scared to leave her in case she needed me. 

I'm glad I did all of these things.  She did thank me.  But yeah, I cried for about 2 hours of the 4 hour drive home.  It left me feeling confused, and lost.  I'm glad that feeling's past.  I didn't know what to expect when i saw her.  She had said that she didn't know either, she didn't know how she was going to feel when we saw each other.  But it was confirmed the next morning, that my being there hadn't changed how she felt.  It felt like a sucker punch.  I had just been there for her in one of her lowest moments, drove a total of 8 hours in two days to take care of her, and it didn't even make her flinch in her decision.  It made me feel like I'm too nice.  I actually wonder if she would have done the same for me.  But I guess it doesn't matter to think about things like that.  It's over.  I don't have to wonder anymore if we will someday change our minds and try again.  Maybe in a way, it was a very weird case of closure, and maybe I needed it. 

Just last night, when she called me, she snapped at me because I had texted her asking her how her MRI went (she had to have one last night for some back issues, and the appointment was right after her date with the new girl), and had texted her again half an hour later asking why she couldn't answer me.  I knew I was just digging a hole, don't ask me why I did it..  but when she called me, she had no issues with making me feel like shit, like I owed her an apology for texting her.  The same feeling I had felt when my major ex would make me feel like a worthless piece of shit, that's the feeling I felt all over again.  Not as serious, but still the same.  It disgusted me.  No one should be made to feel like that, and I will never let someone make me feel that lowly again.  I will not give anyone the satisfaction.  She knows that I'm having issues, and trying to heal, trying my best.  I will never again apologize for having a heart.  She got the last apology. 

I don't believe that she is as cold hearted as she is seeming to me right now.  I think that she actually may be an ex that I can have a constructive friendship with in the future.  But for now, she's just making me feel like shit and today was a good day without having her be such a part of it.  The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter.  Here I come.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool...

not crazy, just a little unwell-ishhhh.

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty (rob thomas is my baby daddy) just came on my pandora and I'm sitting here listening to the words and isn't it weird how songs that you've heard a thousand times already can suddenly make sense to you in a completely new and different way?

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me.

I'm actually feeling better right now, after writing that last post, and I've just been reading a ton of ya'lls blogs and getting my mind off of my own life, and then a song like that comes on, and it makes me wonder how long I'm gonna be able to keep it up.  I really do need to get some sleep, and stop fucking up my sleep schedule so much.  Now Somewhere Over the Rainbow just came on..  the version of it that I love.. and just instantly brings tears to my eyes.  This has always been one of my favorite songs.  My friend actually got married last weekend, and this man who worked at the bed and breakfast sang this song to us as we were getting ready, hair and makeup stuff.  It was so sweet.  And I can look at her, my newly married friend, and know that I'll find that happiness one day.  I'll find my fairytale.  Why is it in me to want to search so much for it though?  I have so many other things to search for, and this is always the subject that seems to overtake my mind.  The never ending search for love.  Who knows. 

Oh crystal ball... tell me life is beautiful.

New favorite music:  Keane.

Well, I got the privilege of hearing tonight that MJ's first date with the new girl went great. 

I'm not really sure why I'm putting myself through this.  I tell myself that it's a good idea, and that the hurt feelings will go away... but so far no good.  The fucked up part is that I don't even want her back.  That, for one thing, is getting easier and easier to see everyday.  But what I don't get is why it still turns my stomach.  It makes me feel so mixed up, almost sick, like I can't make myself completely step away from the situation.  I want to know, for some sick reason, what's going on.  But it's always been easier for me to just walk away and not have to subject myself to hearing about their new life without me.  I know what I need to do.  I need to do what I KNOW is best for me.

In my last post, I have to say that every single person's comment pissed me off.  I wanted ya'll to side with meeee!  and for some reason, I felt like no one did that.  No one said what I WANTED to hear.  I know that's not actually true.  But I want to feel ok with making a decision that seems 'cold' to some people, by just stepping away.  It's what's easier for me, and I just don't think I can heal otherwise.  Maybe I'll be able to go back and be friends with an ex later, but I just can't do that until I'm fully healed from the breakup.  I'm not even fucking hurting that much over this shit, it's just something that literally sits in the middle of my head and it won't go away.  I just need it gone right now.  I don't need this kind of distraction.

After MJ and I got off the phone tonight, I went straight into the bathroom and took a burning hot bubble bath.  I never take baths.  Like seriously, maybe once a year.  I put on my pandora and typed in coldplay and blasted the speakers and just layed in there, taking deep breaths.  The water was so hot I could hardly stand it at first, but I needed to feel the stimulation. 

Lines ever more unclear

I'm not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

Here we go.

I actually don't even know what to say or where to start...  I'm so confused with myself right now and I hate feeling this way and I hate that I STILL don't know how to find my way out of shit like this.  I feel like any choice I make will be the wrong one.  I feel like it's not even up to me to make a decision. 

I'm not a go with the flow kind of person.  It actually makes me crazy to just sit back and watch things happen, I want to be more involved and I feel like it will all blow up in my face if I just say that I'll come back to this later and make a decision.  Again, I think I get this from my mother.  She is a control freak, a really big one.  Like, for real, big time.  So I guess I got some of that wonderful little trait from her, yay me.  But I really just don't know how to just sit back and let things happen, when I know that it's hurting me, and that it's going to hurt me if I am able to see it all happening in front of me.

Confused enough yet?  I'm trying to be vague because I have a new reader!  But that was my decision, which was another one that I wanted to trust wouldn't come bite me in the ass.  So here it is.  MJ and I are friends now.  That's the decision that we came to together.  I have never been able to be friends with an ex, and I've just gotten the sting of remembering why.  I'm a softie.  And it's been easier for us to just be friends, and keep each other in our lives, so that we wouldn't have to feel the full on sting of the breakup.  And yes, we did break up, it's over, and I can say with 95% certainty that I haven't been hoping for us to get back together.  It's just been flat out nice to still be someone else's number one.  And that's probably been the issue that we hadn't realized until now.  We have still been talking just as much as we did when we were dating... yeah, seriously like all day everyday, we're in touch, and we know what the other person is doing.  I was actually at an all day wedding yesterday where my phone didn't get service, and by the end of the night, I felt like I needed to rush home so that I'd be able to talk to her on the phone.  I actually felt guilty for not being able to talk to her throughout the day, even though we're not even a couple.  So yeah, this isn't ideal, but it's been easy and nice and comfortable. 

And then today, I found out that she might have a new love interest.  She was very honest with me, she didn't try to hide it.  She and I are both on a well known dating online site (which is actually how we met) and she has been emailing a new girl back and forth over this weekend.  Ouch, that stings!  Why?  Well I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we've never really seperated ourselves, and so I haven't had time to prepare for the thought of her maybe talking to someone else.  She said that the other girl had given her her number, and that MJ planned on calling her. 

So, our predicament.  And don't worry kids, I had no issues telling her that it hurts me and that I don't know how to deal with it and all that stuff.  And yeah, it's not even anything yet to fret over, they only talked on the phone once tonight.  But it's scaring me because of how I'm reacting to this, and if it does turn out to be something more, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.  It seems too soon.  And I know she doesn't mean for it to be, but it seems hurtful.  I think it seems hurtful to me because I'm planning on going up to see her this Thursday, to be there for her and take care of her because she's having surgery, a procedure that's going to be pretty life altering.  I want to be there for her.  I want her to know that she has me to count on, that I'll always be there for her, but now it just feels like I'm a step in.  I don't want to feel this way, and she doesn't want me to feel this way, and she says that she still wants us to be friends and that it shouldn't be a conditional friendship.  But it's just hard for me.  I'm finding out today that it's just not that easy for me to turn off my feelings like a light switch, and there's been no warning of this coming.  We've still pretty much been each other's daily companions, even if it's just been over the phone for 3 weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.  It's just pretty shitty timing that this gets all jumbled up right before I want to be there for her in 3 days.  I don't want to be there and wonder who she's texting, and I know that that is just how my mind works.  I wish I didn't think that way.  I wish I didn't have so much jealousy in me.  I don't want to be this way, but I hurt and I don't know how to make it stop.  I'm just tired of always being the one who gets their feelings hurt.  I feel like I strive to do best by others, and I feel that I'm genuinely a good person, and that karma should be making its way back around to me, but it just seems like everything leads to one more dead end.  I'm tired of having a reason to tear up, or a reason for me to question if I'm doing what's really best for myself. 

I try to live so that if I do enough good and if I care enough about other people, it'll come back around to me.  It would just be nice for someone else to put my feelings first.  I don't even know what I'm asking for, but it always seems like it's just too much. 

I want to be there for her at the end of this week, and I still think I'm going to go.  I'd feel guilty for not going, and just get upset with myself.  I just wish I knew what to do with all this stuff in my head and heart.  I don't even know where to put it, which way to push it or pull it. 

New artwork.

I have a few new paintings to show youuuuuuuu. 

Ok this first one, I did for Shae, the friend who passed away from Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  His cousin organized a fundraiser for his family and to raise money for Lymphoma research, so I made this painting for her to auction off.  The ribbon for Hodgekin's Lymphoma is purple, and Shae's favorite 'print' was zebra, so here ya go:

This next one is a present for my friend who is getting married, and I'm not really sure yet if I'm finished with it.  She had originally had the idea of putting peacock feathers in all of her bridesmaids' hairdos, later decided against it, but she still likes them.  Her home colors are very neutral, she likes browns and golds and silvers with just hints of green or blue.  So this is what I have so far.  I have to say that it looks better in person, but I still don't know if I'm satisfied with it yet.  The wedding is this weekend so I may play around with it some more.  What do you think?  Constructive criticisms are always welcomed :)

Court this morning.

So... you're not going to believe this.  I had court this morning.  And... the bitch... didn't even show up!!!

The entire thing was dismissed.  Yep!!  That's karma for ya, people.  I knew it'd all be ok.  Well I was hoping it'd be! I think I probably woke up like 8 times last night, was jolted awake by the stress of it all, I just couldn't sleep to save my life!  But yeah, I'm so happy.  I was literally skipping out of the courthouse lol.  So that's that.  All of this stress and preparation and talking to a lawyer and everything, all for nothing!  But hey, it's totally better this way. 

Yay!

Court tomorrow.

OY VEY!!  not looking foward to court tomorrow at all.  It's really starting to make me a bit queeeeesy, and I just really want it to be all over.  I have to go to court because of that crazy roommate that I told you about. 

I'd like to say that I'm fully prepared, but there is just no way of knowing what kinda bullshit this woman is gonna pull out of her ass.  But even so, I have notes typed up to take with me.  I had typed up full responses for each one of her allegations against me, to send to my lawyer's office for them to be able to give me advice about the case, and so I've shortened up my answers so that I'll be able to just skim over my notes when asked questions about it.  My mind has a tendency to just go completely blank when I get stressed, so I know I won't be quick on my feet to answer.  But the good news is that she'll be speaking first, and then I'll have the floor to be able to give my responses, so at least I won't just be going in there and trying to make a case on my own or something. 

It sucks that because it's small claims court, my prepaid legal policy doesn't give me a lawyer to take with me, but at least I was able to talk to him for a good 20 minutes and he walked me through everything that I should be expecting to happen, and gave me some tips. 

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about it, and I don't think that she has a good case against me or anything, but still, this kinda thing just makes me wanna grab my blanket and hide my face.  Maybe, if she can't see me, I can't see her.  haha.  Wish me luck!

The sweetest lesbian poem I've ever heard:

I actually saw this one Tanya's page and so I'll give her the credit for posting it, but you all just have to see this, hear this.  It made me tear up and laugh my ass off.  Make sure my playlist on here is on pause before you start it! 



Now, wasn't that just precious??  <3

Our Lesbian Journeys: The Path to Finding Ourselves

Fetsiboomsticks at Flying Shortbread invited me to write a post for her blog, and may I just say, I was so flattered!  I have never been asked to be a guest writer in someone's blog, and maybe I'm being dramatic, but it's an honor.  :-)  So here's my story for her, and a thanks.

This is something that has just really been made painfully aware to me recently, and makes me feel very thankful for how far we've come.  Yes, we still have quite a journey ahead, but hey, at least we're moving in the right direction. 

I have a friend, T.  T is 47 years old, and I have been doing her hair for about 2 years (I'm a hairstylist).  I have recently gone into business for myself, and left the salon where I was working, and am now going to my client's homes to do their hair. You wouldn't believe how many of my clients have COMPLETELY opened up to me about their lives since I have started seeing them at home, and T is definitely one of them.  When I first met T, back while I was working in the salon, I knew instantly that she was a lesbian (let's face it ladies, sometimes it's just unmistakeable hehe).  So, it was quite confusing to me whenever she'd talk about her husband.  I honestly would think to myself that maybe she was uncomfortable with speaking freely about her 'wife', so maybe she just pretended to be straight in public or something.  I wanted to come out to her so many times, thinking that maybe she'd be more comfortable with me if she knew (no one can ever tell that I'm gay just by looking at me, everytime I come out to someone new, I get a pause... and then a 'reeeeallllyyyy??????'), but there was never exactly a good time to say "Hey T, I'm gay, so what are we doing with your hair today?" :-)  I met her two children shortly after meeting her, she brought them in for hairdos as well, one daughter who is 16ish, and a son who is 14ish.  About a year into doing their hair, the husband was the one to bring in the kids for hairdos, and I was literally shocked to see him.  For a year, I honestly thought that this man didn't exist.

It was right around the time that I had decided to leave the salon and go into business for myself, that I had also joined a Meetup Group for gay women in my area.  Guess who was a member?  Yeah... T.  When she saw that I had joined, it took her a few days, but she actually called me and came out to me over the phone.  She said that it was difficult for her to talk about it, but that she was going through a divorce and and this was all new to her.  I let her know that she could talk to me about anything and that she could feel comfortable with me.  The next time I saw her, she unloaded.  She told me that she is nearing the end of the divorce with her husband, and that she feels like a completely new and different person.  She and her husband had been married for over 20 years... and for the most part, she felt that she only stayed in that relationship because she thought she had to.  She never, in her wildest dreams, thought that she could make the choice to find herself.  T grew up in a very small town, where the word 'gay' was as bad as a curse word.  She always knew that she was attracted to women, connected with them on such a deeper level than with men, but she never let herself even realize what was behind it.  It was never an option.  She said that one of her sorority sisters in college came out to her in a letter, and that she literally felt sick to her stomach when she read it.  It was that bad.  So, she married a man because she thought that was just what she was supposed to do.  Her husband turned into an asshole over the years, and kept her pinned down into this box of what he thought a wife should be.  Over 20 years later, she finally came to her breaking point.  She didn't know what she was going to do.  The fear that came over her, when she realized that she had been living a lie, was so overwhelming that she even considered ending it all.  I'm so thankful to say that she is now a very close friend of mine, and I'm so proud of how she has turned her life around.  She's an inspiration to me, and I always get excited when I know I'm going to go see her.  We can't help but talk about her journey, and how she's finally realizing, at the age of 47, who she is.  She's come out to her ex husband, her kids, her friends, and has fallen in love with a woman, the first real love of her life.  Their relationship was short-lived, but it didn't matter, because she was finally able to feel what it felt like to matter, what it felt like to be true to herself, and best of all, what it felt like to truly love. 

What is so amazing about our friendship, is that our journeys are so unbelieveably different.  I'll be 26 years old next week, and I have truly never felt the pain of not knowing who I am, like she has.  Comparing our journeys is something that is talked about continuously everytime we see each other.  For me, I was never forced to hide who I was, I never even felt like it wasn't just completely ok to go ahead and figure it out.  It did take me some time to figure it out, I ended up going back and forth between men and woman for a couple of years before I realized that nothing excited me more than the touch, smell, taste, mind, and just simple presence of a woman, but I was always free to do the searching.  T is always in complete awe when she asks me questions about my past, and how easily I came out to people (once I knew myself).  She threw her arms up and exclaimed with a smile 'oh my god!!!' when I told her the story of how I came out to my father when I was 21 by telling him that the last 'friend' that I had introduced him to had been my girlfriend, and how he gave me the famous *pause*, tilt of the head, and "really???"...  and then said "well damn Kelly, she was hot!!!"   (thanks dad, I know! haha).  The truth is, I never really gave anyone in my life the option to not be ok with it, and thankfully, I have always been surrounded by nothing but supportive people who have never wanted to question my sexuality.  But that does have a lot to do with the times, and I am so thankful that we are progressing.  I can't imagine growing up back then (even though the music was a million times better, I'm a classic rockaholic hehe) and feeling so stifled that I didn't even have the freedom to know me.  For that, I'm truly thankful.  We still have a long road ahead, but like I said, look how far we've come!!

Product Shout Out!

I have found my new favorite hair product, and I really must share because I have never been so impressed with one hair product by itself.  Well, I do actually use a little bit of shine serum with it, but that's just because I'm a hair product junkie and it's pretty much in my blood now haha.  But I digress...  The product is Alterna Caviar Beach Spray.  My hair is naturally wavy, and i can wear it straight or curly (I have to use a diffuser to get the curls) but I have always had trouble with different products, getting the curls to be just right.  It's always either that the product makes it look too crunchy, or it ends up looking frizzy, or it'll end up just completely doing its own thing and decide to be curly in some places and just mildly wavy in others.  I LOVE wearing my hair curly, it truly just matches my personality better.  And I have finally found the perfect curl product.  I literally makes my hair perfectly curly, the way that I seriously only thought I could get it to look after I had been to the beach for a day.  It's lightweight, doesn't weigh my hair down, and best of all, it doesn't give it that nasty crunchy look.  I LOVE this product, and will recommend it to anyone that has curly hair.  I put the full product description below, from the website. 

Product Description
Alterna Caviar Anti-Aging Beach Spray delivers the most perfect windswept look of a long day at the beach! The paraben-free spray uses ocean water and Seasilk®, a unique combination of marine botanicals that provide intense moisture and essential nourishment. The two-punch combo protects hair from sun damage while creating sexy tousled waves. So even if you can’t actually go to the beach, you can look like you have been! Caviar Anti-Aging Beach Spray is infused with ocean water for its volume and texture enhancing properties and hydrating Seasilk, allowing for weightless volume and a carefree look, with little work. The added bonus of Color Hold™ and Alterna’s Enzymetherapy® make Caviar Beach Spray the perfect summer prop. Hair will stay strong and will hold its color even on the sunniest days.


Method of Use: Spray a small amount on damp or dry hair from roots to ends. Shape and scrunch with fingers for a loose, carefree and tousled beach look.

a good quick read about things we wish we could say!

10 Things Your Hairstylist Wishes She Could Tell You  

I don't much agree with number 4 on this list, I have never felt that a client was 'sharing too much info' with me, and I like that many of my clients seem to be able to open up to me easily, and are usually looking for some feedback.  I appreciate the closeness that I have with so many clients.

Number 5 though?  Yeah...  when i was in the salon, that was pretty much the biggest thing that I wanted to tell every client who brought in their kids.  Don't bring your kids to the salon people!  It makes us crazy.  Teeth-gritting crazy. 

What a week.

Last week was a busy one.  Keeping busy helps after just going through a breakup.  It was good for me to not have time to just sit and think about MJ.  This weekend has been slower, and it started off with a jolt that got me right back into the breakup mindset.  But I'm ok.  Been through much worse than this.  I mean I know I wasn't in love.  I know that.  I guess my heart will just always be a little more tender than I would like for it to be.  There's just no way around that.  I've thought that it would get easier, the more that I had experienced, but it always stings just the same.  Guess I'll just have to live with that!  It's ok I guess, in the end it's not gonna hurt to care too much, not in a way that I can't be proud of anyway. 

My new part time job doesn't leave ANY room for thinking about anything else but it while I'm there.  My friend Sandra owns a preschool, and I've started working there a few days a week.  So many of my hair appts end up being in the evening so I wanted to do something that would take up some of my daytime, and some extra money doesn't hurt either.  I'm working with the babies of the school, the two year olds.  I have fallen madly in love with this one little girl, from the first day she latched onto me and stole my heart.  Her name is Madyson.  Whenever I get there, she sees me and her face lights up with a big smile and yells 'HIIIII!!!'  It's just the cutest thing.  She always wants me to hold her or carry her or hug me or sit in my lap.  And then there's Kloey, and Jasmine, and Grayson and Gavin (twins) and the youngest baby is Richard, who is just the sweetest little blonde quiet boy. We have up to 16 kids in the 'twos' class at one time, and it's just me and one other girl who are with them.  I originally went in there thinking I would just try it and I didn't think that I'd have the patience to be with a bunch of kids all day, but I just love it.  It's trying at times, but even the little problem child terrors make me smile sometimes. 

For a while now, I've been questioning if I'd even want to have kids of my own.  This never used to be a question for me, it was always certain in my mind that I did, but doubts about my wanting it have surfaced.  But now, after spending time with these babies, there's no question anymore.  I still don't want them now, but I do know I want to have kids in the future.  Just need to find me a baby mama first haha.  The twins, Grayson and Gavin, they actually have lesbian moms.  The birth mom drops them off in the morning, and 'Mimi', their other mom, picks them up in the afternoon.  I think it's cute that they call her Mimi.  :-)

We also lost a friend last week.  It was actually last Saturday.  Shae Buchanan lost his battle with cancer.  He made it to his 23rd birthday.  His service was Thursday night and it was beautiful.  Sandra, my friend who owns the preschool, is his cousin.  I did Sandra and her gf's hair on Wednesday night before the service.  We all drank together that night, and looked through photo albums as they told me funny stories about things that Shae would do.  He was quite a character!  I only got to meet him a handful of times, but even from the first time I met him, he was someone that would stand out without even trying.  What a great smile that kid had...  I still just can't believe he's gone.  Watch this video, the local news station got an interview with him after he had originally learned that he was sick, and we were all thinking that he was going to be fine, he was beating it.  He worked at the preschool too, and it's been hard when all the kids are asking 'where is Mr. Shae?'

I'm having dinner with a friend tonight.  I don't think it's a date, maybe it is haha... but I don't think it is.  We've actually only met once, and it was back in December of last year.  We've been saying we needed to get coffee again for a long time, but then I started dating MJ and so we lost touch.  So anyway, it'll be nice to see her again, she was good company the first time around.

Breakup aftermath.

Hey guess what?  I'm really doing fine.  I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be, but it just always seems so dramatic when you're still in that mindset.  So end of the worldish, so woe is me.  But yeah, didn't take me long to snap out of that.  I guess that just justifies the thought that was in my head all along, that I just wasn't in love. 

I think my problem is that I don't know how to let go of things.  Like, even though I knew the spark was barely glowing, I just wanted to move foward with it and hope that it would grow.  So that's something I'm gonna have to learn.  I had gotten myself into it, so I wanted to stick with it and be faithful to it.  I thought that was the adult thing to do.  Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing it even now, which we all know I'm just FAMOUS for doing anyway.  haha...  it really is funny I guess.  Relationships are just a bitch!

Why do they seem to take over some parts of your mind?  Why do I feel so differently now that I'm out of the 'blinders' mindset?  Who knows.  But yeah...  me snapping out of it so quickly isn't entirely just because of me.  Some great friends really just came out of the woodwork yesterday, and said all kinds of nice things and I even made a couple of them sit through me talking the whole thing out and give me their input, and a lot of it was so constructive and helpful.  Things I didn't even realize until they said it.  All of the red flags that were flying SO HIGH!  And I didn't even know it all or consider it all or realize how blinded I was. 

I do have one special person who really made me feel great.  Yeah, it's kind of a sticky situation though haha.  Of course it is right?  She's an ex.  S, we'll call her.  We had only dated a while ago for a short period of time, but she recently found me on facebook and added me, maybe like 5 months ago or something.  She's now in a serious relationship, living with her gf, and they're happy and I'm happy for her.  She and I never really had a fair shot at things, I was still not over J, the major ex, and my head was cloudy (I honestly don't even recognize that version of myself, when I was in love with J, it was the most disfunctional relationship I think I'll ever have) and after S and I had a 'big misunderstanding' (as we call it now) I went running back to J who was sweet talkin me again.  Anyway, S works for an eye doctor, and my eyes have been bothering me, so I had messaged her on facebook asking if she still worked there and that I wanted to get my eyes checked.  She told me to come on in.  This was all completely innocent, I didn't think there would be any feelings there, I mean seriously the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.  So I went in to see her last Friday, and of course she just looked as gorgeous as ever.  She looked very excited to see me, it had been at least a year and a half since we'd seen each other, maybe even two years.  So I get my eyes checked with the Doc, who is her best friend.  He's a goofball, older, with 3 kids.  I had met him when we dated, and even went out to dinner and a movie with him and S and his kids, so it was good to see him too.  S and I had some good laughs about how I still hated to have anything near my eyes, and she had to almost hold me down while she put drops in my eyes.  She also told me how her gf is extremely jealous of me and would probably kill her if she knew that I was coming in to the office.  Why??? I thought...  we haven't seen each other in a long time and we didn't even date that long to begin with, she replied that it was because I was pretty.  haha... ok... 

Anyway, I left there feeling light on my feet and happy to have caught up with an old friend, when she texts me.  "Off the record, you look beautiful.  Absolutely amazing.  On the record, it was really good to see you." Uh oh... trouble.  How is it that I was thinking the same thing about her?

Ok, let's not get ahead of ourselves.  She and I have since seen each other again yesterday for me to get the damn contacts for my eyeballs (my eyeballs do NOT like them at all haha), sweet talked each other A LOT but I would never feel ok about going behind her gf's back, and I know she's not the kind of person who would do anything to disrespect her partner, or me, or anyone for that matter.  So we both stopped it before it got to anything close that was out of hand.  But nevertheless, she did say some things to me that just made me feel so great.

Whether the relationship was good or not, a breakup always kinda feels like a bit of a blow to the ego.  This one did to me with no exceptions.  MJ had told me that I'm really sensitive, and that it didn't work because she isn't.  Well I'll be damned!  I've never heard that one before.  I've heard that from pretty much every girl I've been with, with just a couple small exceptions.  But S texted me yesterday after I left her office, and had just unloaded on her the details of MJ's and my breakup.  She said 'just so you know, you being sensitive is not a bad thing.  You will find someone like me that will love you for you and be happy with that part of you.  I just think that you're a great girl.  You have a lot going for you, ur beautiful and fun and you're not too sensitive.... There is nothing wrong with caring too much.  Don't let it change you.  Like I said, I love that part of someone and I can't be the only one that does.'  Ok so that was like 4 different texts that she sent, but I put them all together.  But it meant a lot, and of course I start crying as I'm driving down the road and my new contacts got dried out haha.  But it was nice.  She made me feel more special, and just flat out 'ok' with myself in that one conversation than in the entirety of mine and MJ's relationship.  So that definitely says something about what I had with MJ, it definitely wasn't as much as I'd been thinking it was.

And I know it can't go anywhere, I know she has a gf who she loves.  But it was just simply nice to hear that from someone who had actually been a personal witness to that side of me in a relationship, and didn't despise that side of me.  And I know I'm sensitive and emotional, but that's just who I am.  I'm not going to change!  So that makes accepting that side of myself a little easier, to hear that it's actually appreciated by someone else. 

So I'm ok.  Gonna be fine.  Again!

What a week.

I don't even really know where to start to be honest.  My mind is still spinning a little bit.  Just going over things that were said and agreeing with things and then disagreeing with other things, not that any of it matters at this point.

MJ and I are over.  She made the call last night.  I have to admit that I was somewhat expecting it, but I wasnt expecting it to happen when or how it did. 

We just had such a great weekend at the lake.  It was just the two of us.  It was relaxing and we also got a lot done.  I helped her with yard work for the better part of Saturday, mowing about 85% of the lawn while she blew the leaves out of the flower beds and used the weed wacker.  We went out for dinner that night, made a bonfire in the backyard when we got back, had cuddle time all weekend, and then layed out on the dock on the lake on Sunday.  It was just perfect, and then it was just over, just like that.  When we got back to the house sunday afternoon, it was time to take showers, then eat a late lunch, then clean up the house before hitting the road at 6.  This was the plan we'd come up with while planning out the rest of the day.  We take showers, one of us in each shower, then I pack my bags up and then head to the kitchen to make lunch.  She was already working on cleaning up her stuff and so i yelled through the house what she wanted me to make for her lunch.  I said I was going to have my leftovers from dinner the night before, and could make something else for her.  And there's the tone.  She is apparently pissed off thhat I'm not eating the pizza we had said we'd put in the oven and eat for lunch, we'd had the same thing the day before so I just wasn't in the mood for it again.  But I said I'd put it in the oven for her if she wanted it, or I could make something else for her.  She says no.  I ask what's wrong.  Nothing.  No really, what's wrong?  Nothing, just eat your lunch.  Out of nowhere, she's mad at me.  Well I'm starving, so I go ahead and heat up my food.  I then go into the den and turn the tv on while I eat, like we usually do.  I ask her again, is she sure that i can't make something for her.  No.  Ok then... 

I go on eating.  It's about 430 now.  I keep thinking she'll stop what she's doing back in the bedrooms and come and make herself something to eat and sit with me so we can spend some time together before we finish cleaning up.  Didnt happen.  She kept on cleaning.  I asked her again about food for her.  No, I'm not hungry.  Now I know she's lying, because she was the one who said we'd go back and eat lunch while we were at the lake.  So I clean up  my lunch mess, and go and finish packing my bags and see that she has already remade the bed after washing the sheets earlier in the day, which is something we usually do together.  Why didn't she tell me she was doing that?   I guess in her mind it was better to do it all herself and be the martyr.  To act like I was purposefully not helping her clean.  At 5, she yells across the house 'are you gonna start packing your car?'  when I'm thinking we still have another hour before we're leaving.  I tell her I can, and so I do.  When I go outside, I see that she's already got her dog strappped into her doggy seat in her truck.  I say 'are we leaving now?' she says yes, she's done cleaning and ready to go.  I'm just completely stumped.  What just happened in the past hour?  How do you go from having a really great weekend to letting something upset you that much to just erase everything else?  She comes over to my car and gives me a quick peck kiss, no hug, and walks over and gets in her truck.  I say through our opened windows...  why is this so weird?  we're not gonna see each other for two weeks, and she really wants to leave like this?  I just didn't get it.  She said she didnt wanna talk about it right now, but that if anything she was pissed off that I didn't help her clean.  She says I'm a grown woman and she shouldn't have to tell me what needs to be done.  I'm a little in shock at this point.  That she decided to talk to me like that, and that she was actually willing to just drive away and end our weekend over being upset over one small thing.  I sat there in my car in the driveway, just thinking she'll snap out of it and get out of her truck and come give me a hug and a real kiss, a real fucking goodbye, but it didn't happen.  She said that there was nothing that either one of us could say to change the situation, so she was just going to go, and she did just that.  She just pulled right out of the driveway and left me sitting there with my jaw hanging open. 

We talked a little on the way home, I called her pretty much as we were both driving out of the neighborhood, but there was no coming to an agreement or even just letting it go.  She just said she'd call me when she got home and needed to cool off.  I literally didn't even know how to react.  I just couldnt understand why she would leave that way, knowing that we wont be seeing each other for 2 weeks.  We had a great weekend.  There was never a bit of tension in the air until the last hour that we were there.  I still just don't get it.  Later that night, we talked and she pretty much said she was over it, so I just let the conversation go, even though I was still feeling uneasy about how she'd handled things.  But I needed time to process I guess.  I just didn't even know what tto do. 

Monday she was distant while she was at work.  I had a bad day, got in an arguement with my stepdad, then my mom, and pretty much just had one of those days where you feel like the world is caving in.  I still didn't know how to feel about things with MJ, and since I'm living with my parents right now it was just really uncomfortable being in my house.  I even texted MJ around 3 asking her if she was busy.  I hadn't heard from her in about 3 hours and she knew I was having a bad day from texts that morning.  She hadn't ever asked me if I was ok or tried to check on me in any way.  She then called me and asked me what was up.  I just said that I didn't really know what to say but that i felt like she was feeling like i was just quite the irritation to her.  It just struck me as odd that she hadn't seemed to care that I was having a bad day.  Her response was that we'd talk later, she couldnt get into it now, but that she didn't think she was acting any different than she usually did.  Yeah... right.  Thankfully I had some clients last night, so I went and did them and then came home and got on the treadmill for about an hour.  MJ was helping a friend move a grill with her truck, and she was out pretty late, so we didn't even catch up on the phone until close to 11pm.  She then sounded fine, told me about her night with her friend, and then asked about my day, and actually genuinely sounded concerned.  I told her everything that happened.  She then asked me about some other things, like if I'd heard from my lawyer about the old roommate situation.  Then we even made small talk, she was watching her dvr'd dancing with the stars, which I don't watch at all.  I said I was getting tired around midnight, and asked if I could go pee and call her back to say our goodnights.  I did, called her back, and after a bit more small talk, she comes out with 'well I know you've had a bad day, but I do think we need to talk.'

Ok...

She says "I just don't know if this is working for me anymore Kel."  She said it so matter of factly, and so out of nowhere, that i actually considered in my head that she might be joking.  But no, she wasn't. 

I don't even want to get into everything else that was said cuz it'll just make me upset again at this point, but yeah, it's over.  In the end, i agree that we're probably just not right for each other.  At times, it did feel like I was hanging out more with a buddy than with my gf.  And after her startling exit on sunday, I was already expecting this to happen.  But it still sucks either way.  So in the end she's saying she wants to stay friends, and that she knows that I'm not prone to do that, but that she wants me to try to be open minded about it.  I just don't know at this point. 

When all is said and done...  I just feel a bit used.  For quite a few different reasons too.  Just looking back on things, you never realize how much you readily sacrifice for someone until you find out it was all for nothing.  I'm having bouts of anger and sadness, going back and forth with them.  But i'll be fine. 

I'll be fine.

I'll tell ya what...

...I just don't know anymore. 

about a lot of things.

There are a lot of "I don't knows" in my head right now.  I just don't know. 

I'm gonna go run on the treadmill.  I don't know if it's aggression or hopelessness that's in me, but it needs to get out.

And even more cute-the response

make sure you watch the video below this one first... this is the response.  So hilarious!

Taylor the Latte Boy

This is one of the cutest things I've ever seen. 

Crazy Roommate #84

I'm not really sure why I have had so many crazy roommates, but this past one TAKES THE FUCKING CAKE. 

Guess what I got SERVED with today?  She is suing me for almost $700 for 'unpaid utilities, late fees, damaged equipment (by the way, she spelled it equiptment), storage fees, and cleaning fees.'  I think I got them all, the paper is in the other room, I'm reciting her 'list' from memory.  Oh.  My.  God. 

This woman has absolutely no grounds at all.  I lived with her for 3 months.  She took my money that I paid her for rent and for utilities, and then spent it all on bingo and would be asking her tenants for our rent and utility money early because she hadn't used it to pay the bills.  I woke up to there being no power one morning, no internet another morning, no cable tv for over 3 weeks... and there was always an excuse.  "They messed up my bill again!"  Yeah right.. like that happens to one person countless times, and from every single company that you have to pay.  On top of that, she was a nightmare to live with.  At first I just thought she was quirky, a little weird but full of energy.  Then there was that time that I had to call 911 to come take her unconscious ass to the hospital after downing two bottles of that christmas egg nog that's premixed with rum or something.  Yes, I did say TWO BOTTLES.  Then there was that time that I had a full day of clients the next day, which was a Tuesday, and her daughter comes home from college and decides to throw a party at our house that lasted until 430am, with nothing but kids who weren't even close to being of the legal drinking age.  When I complained to my roommate about it, she lunged at me and started screaming that I need to stop being selfish and that she wants her daughter to have a good time.  She was actually raising her arms as if to hit me but her darling boyfriend held her back.  Yeah.  Precious.  Then there was that time that I had bought myself a full grocery load and then unexpectedly had to go outta town to help my grandmother move and when I came home all of my groceries were gone.  I'm talking down to the last egg.  All gone.  Nothing was replaced, even though I made it known that I was upset about it, and that I didn't eat their food without asking.  All of this in 3 months people.  3 fucking months. 

The last straw was waking up to having absolutely no power and having to take a freezing cold shower in a pitch black bathroom before going to work.  The next day, I moved out.  I didn't owe her a thing.  I had never signed a lease with her, I had never signed anything with her.  I moved back in with my mother for the first time since I was 18.  That's desperation! 

So now she is suing me.  I have absolutely no idea why she thinks that she is actually going to get a cent from me.  I have a lawyer, and she is well aware of that.  Hell, I sell Prepaid Legal!  (another one of my many ways of making money lol, my stepdad does it and got me into it)  So yeah, I called my lawyer today, and told him about it.  I faxed him the paperwork and he'll be giving me a call back in a couple days.  She, on the other hand, doesn't have a lawyer, she doesn't have any grounds for these accusations, it's really all just ridiculous.  When I told my mom about it, she burst out laughing.  Lord...  some people.

not a real post... just a gripe.

Ok so on my blog page is says that I have 12 followers.  On my dashboard page it says that I have 13.  It really annoys me to know that someone is anonymously following me.  Show yourself!  haha.  no really.  do it.

real post later tonight.  You wouldn't BELIEVE what happened to me today.