Let's see.

I'm really feeling things build up lately, and I don't like it.  The 'one more bad date' and Jamie, this person that i called a friend, stealing something that was so personal and sentimental to me (read my past two blog posts)...  and a few other things.  I just can really feel things weighing on me, and I can feel it all getting heavier and heavier.  It might not even be things that are that bad, it's definitely not anything I can't handle, but I just can't stand feeling this way.  I want to tell myself that this is me hitting rock bottom, because once you hit rock bottom you can only go up.  I thrive on being a positive and happy person, and whenever that's not my mood, it really affects me.  It makes me not able to focus on things, makes me feel completely uninspired, and unmotivated to do anything. 

My closest friend right now, H, has really gone off the deep end lately.  She's been going through a lot, and it's gotten to the point where I don't really know how to help her or communicate with her anymore.  She's drinking everyday, and it's just not fun anymore.  At the beginning of the summer, it really was just all about having fun, but now it's like she's drowning her sorrows in it, and she's also started dating her new neighbor who is very recently going through a divorce....  I'm talking about like a couple weeks before H and he met, and started dating.  So now, she's putting all of her time into him, and all I hear about are her drunken episodes, how they've already fought so many times, but that she still wants to hang out with him cuz she doesn't wanna be alone.  So yeah, the entire situation is not any fun for me anymore.  Like, at all.  I'm really over it actually. 

Other friends have moved away, other friends turned out to not be friends at all, and overall I'm just feeling really disconnected.  I went and saw a friend and her gf this past weekend, and we had fun, I always love going there and seeing her, but her gf got upset with me over something that I said, that either came out the wrong way, or she took the wrong way.  We were both drinking, so I don't even really remember what was said, but i just remember all of a sudden feeling like she thought i was a giant asshole, and there wasn't really a way to talk myself out of it.  As much as I tried, it was just silence on the other end. I don't know... but it was just like one more thing that I had to sulk about and deal with...  And it was really nobody's fault, well maybe it was my fault and I just don't know or don't remember, but ugh.  I'm really just needing a bright light at the end of this tunnel. 

I think that right now, while I'm feeling disconnected anyway, it's gonna be a really good time to just work on myself.  I'm not happy with my weight and health, and I want to work on that.  I saw my trainer today, and she's just gotten affiliated with a company that does healthy living and meal plans, and she's a health coach.  We had a long long talk about how I've been feeling, and she helped me to see that I need to work on my relationship with myself to be able to get out of this tunnel.  I need this, and I deserve this.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I realize now more than ever how much I need this kind of change for myself.  I need to feel good about myself, and I think that just that simple change about how I feel about me, will change so much of how I feel about the world around me.  She has said that if I start working now, I could lose 40lbs by Christmas.  I don't want to plan on that, because I've never lost that much weight at one time, and it just sounds completely unattainable, but I am going to just focus on losing 20lbs to start with.  I need to actually lose about 60lbs according to my height, to be in a healthy place, but I need to start with baby steps.  I also think that losing 20lbs would just make me feel so great, and hopefully will be the jumping off point for change. 

I know I need to change something, because whatever I'm doing now isn't working, and I can feel it everyday.  I need change.  I need to feel the sunshine in my life again.